Don’t really know where to start with all this, but someone recommended I join this website.
My wife is seeing someone else. A new colleague started at her school in September and I could see my wife liked her, so I tried to talk to her about it. She said they were just friends. This went on for weeks, with them texting more and more even though I was open with my wife about how much it was upsetting me.
Oh, quick back track - I gave birth to our baby daughter in late August (wife’s egg, anon donor sperm, I carried. Traumatic birth), and we also have a 12 yr old (mine from previous hetero relationship).
Every time I raised the issue of this co-worker, my wife was defensive / angry. She told me I was being insecure, intense, unreasonable. Essentially that I was an awful person, she asked why I didn’t want her to have friends, told me I was trying to control her. Told me there was nothing wrong with how much they were messaging, it was normal.
I started to believe her. I thought I was losing it. I researched self help stuff for jealousy and paranoia, I contacted medical professionals. I deleted Facebook, I changed my WhatsApp settings so I couldn’t see so much info about when she was messaging, etc.
Meanwhile (for the last couple of months) my wife is home late every night, but that’s because she has so much to do following a promotion. We’re sleeping in separate rooms because apparently she’s working all night. Every now and then she’ll share a room with me (the nursery) and say that will be happening from now on, but then the next night there’ll be a row again about her messaging and she’ll go to “our” bedroom. She’s keeping her phone in her pocket, where she used to leave it lying around and even forget to take it to work sometimes. She’s spending hours and hours in the bath, with her phone, and every time she goes for a wee she’s gone way longer than is normal. She picks her phone up while I’m talking to her and just starts messaging, even when I’m talking about massive things. She forgets everything about our lives (eg forgetting she was meant to be taking us to the hospital for our son’s operation), then tells me to give her a break, she’s got a lot on with work, she’s forgetting everything at the moment. 30 mins earlier she had told me the entire life history of her new colleague.
Fast forward to this Tuesday. I needed to use her laptop (she’d given permanent permission on multiple occasions). Whilst loading my work, I had a wobble where I started to think again that she likes this other woman. So I opened her Facebook, thinking I would see a whole load of innocent messages and then my mind would be at ease and I could admit to having snooped but that would be the end of it.
Instead there are not many messages, in fact only from that morning. They talk about how much they wish they’d been together overnight. Discuss ways of knackering each other out to sleep better (my wife is a poor sleeper). Share jokes about their couple name. And discuss how magical Friday night was, how delicious the after school car kisses....
I knew she liked her. I didn’t dream she would actually cheat. We’ve been together for 8 years, we’ve been through everything (multiple bereavements, IVF both failed and successful, court battles with my ex, my mental breakdown and hospitalisation, her own mental health struggles, family problems...) and we have always talked about everything no matter how difficult or painful.
Obviously I confronted her. She didn’t deny it, or apologise (she has subsequently apologised for the hurt, but not for the actions). She claims to have been in denial about liking her, didn’t talk to me about it because she didn’t want to hurt me. Didn’t mean to make me think I was losing it. But they couldn’t help themselves - apparently they really tried. Apparently they spent hours talking about how it couldn’t happen.
So I asked her what she wants. She wants to be with her, to spend time with her, to talk with her, to screw her. What they have is real, special, deep, amazing. When they kiss it “takes my f*cking breath away”.
She hasn’t been in love with me for years, she’s not sure she ever was. There’s no spark between us (please be aware here that she stopped our sexual relationship years ago out of hatred for her body, and lack of drive. I’ve attempted to rekindle but she’s shown no interest. Even if I try to kiss beyond a peck she’ll do something like blow a raspberry on my mouth to stop it)
But she wants us to continue living together, and raising the children together, as friends.
I don’t know what to do! I’ve been looking for books to read to help me start to process but they all talk about reconciliation and she doesn’t want that.
Has anyone tried still living together? Did it work, or did it destroy you to see the person you’re still in love with walk out of the door to be with someone else, over and over again?
[This message edited by Medusara at 3:06 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]