X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Friends and Fun

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

countrydirt posted 10/30/2020 07:54 AM

I had no idea that life could be fun again without my STBXW. I've made more new friends in the past 3 months than I had in years. I have been going on a group cruiser bicycle ride every Thursday night with a group of like minded folks. 7 or 8 weeks ago, a nice lady riding really fast passed one group and caught my attention with her lighted wheels so I caught on her back wheel and pedaled away. I had to work at keeping up with her. After about a mile, we turned a corner onto another street and looked around and saw no other cyclists! We realized that everyone else had turned off on another street and headed back to the starting point, so we just pedaled along and visited for the couple of miles it took to get back to the planned route. During the latter part of the ride, all we exchanged was first names.

Later, after all the bike apps synced up, her name appeared on my Strava app and my name appeared on hers. Just first name and last initial. We had not laid eyes on each other before that night. The next day she found me on facebook messenger and sent me a message asking if I wanted to go on a ride with her that afternoon. So of course I did! We had a nice 20 mile ride at a nice pace and had a nice visit.

We got together a couple more times for longer bike rides and then went on a group ride in a city about 40 miles away - 28 miles in the wind. Needless to say, the drive back to our town was sort of quiet as we both were sort of wiped out, but enjoyed each others company. I knew I liked her, but warned her that I was separated and the divorce wouldn't be final until December and that I was likely still pretty fragile but thought that I could be a friend, if nothing else.

Later, she invited me on a lunch time ride, then called and asked if we could change it to lunch. Of course I said we could and we enjoyed that. Another week or so and then she asked if I wanted to go grab dinner and have menudo. Of course I agreed and we met at a local restaurant and had a nice time. The first of October, she invited me to go on a full moon kayak adventure at our local reservoir.

I'm pretty dense and oblivious to 'signals'. I told her that I would really like to go out with her. She said, completely deadpan, "What exactly do you think we are doing?" and then grinned at me. I Homer Simpsoned it and grinned back.

Her custody with her 3 children is somewhat complicated so we have to arrange times when they are with the dad. Last night she was flying solo, so I asked her to dinner. We had another really nice time having some pretty spicy Indian food. This weekend we are going to a wine tasting (she knows that I don't drink) and listen to some live music - if it's not shut down due to the rona.

I'm sure having fun. She is too. We agree that the first priority is to just get to know each other. Conversations have been easy with very little awkward pauses. We are dealing with a couple of elephants in the room about the age difference (14 years) and parent stages (my youngest is graduating high school this year and her oldest is an 8th grader) by talking about it and recognizing the challenges. I act and feel younger than I am and she acts a bit older than she is yet is very active and outdoorsy.

If nothing else, we have a developing friendship with common interests and separate professional lives (she's a small business owner).

I had no idea life would ever be fun again. She did say that I could be a little bolder and not worry so much about offending. So I might try that.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 7:55 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

leafields posted 10/30/2020 20:27 PM

Fantastic! Great update!

WhoTheBleep posted 10/31/2020 06:31 AM

14 years age difference...so what?

Kids age differences...so what?

Do you know how difficult it is to find someone in this world that you really mesh well with, personality and attraction-wise? Just enjoy each other. The rest is small stuff.

Great update!!

99problems posted 10/31/2020 21:19 PM

Dude, this sounds very organic and natural, and awesome.
I won't be meeting any women from a OLD site, but I can't wait until I'm ready for something like this to happen to me.(I can and will wait though obviously)
I'm super happy for ya. Hope things continue to go well.

Justsomeguy posted 11/1/2020 07:32 AM

It is nice to hear some good news. Hoping for good thing for you.

countrydirt posted 11/1/2020 08:10 AM

I don't know how to use the quotes.

I looked at the OLD and immediately knew that people would only use photos that were either flattering or "enhanced" and thought how disheartening it would be to search out a relationship that starts with deception. The neat thing about the bicycle commonality is you immediately see things like sweating and hear grunting and shortness of breath, smell things and hear things that are normally hidden. Body odor is okay and even farts happen when working out.

Thank you all for commenting. I do believe we'll all get through this phase in life and come out stronger and better with experiences we never expected just a few years ago.

twicefooled posted 11/2/2020 06:49 AM

Excellent update!!

In re to kids being in different stages of life, my youngest is already in highschool but my boyfriend's 3 children are all still in elementary school. I have more "free time" on my hands than he does(ie my kiddos don't need me 24/7 like his youngest does) and I use that time to do things that make me happy so that when he is free I'm not feeling like I'm being pulled in a million directions, I can truly enjoy our time together.

Age difference has never been a problem for me, I've dated a few years younger and 15yrs older. It's all about the individual :)

EvenKeel posted 11/2/2020 07:27 AM

I'm pretty dense and oblivious to 'signals'.
Or just gun-shy because you are very early in your NB.

But she was very outgoing and REPEATEDLY did the first move (FB, asking you to bike with her, then lunch, etc). Yeah - those are dates too in my book! Kudos to your independent gal!

I am so glad you are out doing things. It is hard to get started but it sounds like you are doing great.

I would just recommending really enjoying this time. It is such a magical time when you are first getting to know each other.

Wahoo!

countrydirt posted 11/2/2020 12:29 PM

twicefooled - thank you for that encouraging word. I have enjoyed my "spare" time to do things I want and have some independent fun or fun with my youngest.

EvenKeel - I think that 'gun-shy' comment is right on the money. I don't really know how to flirt for real anymore and am slowly learning - changing after 31 years is an eye-opener for this old dog. I never expected that anyone would find a bald, gray bearded guy with a slight paunch (25 pounds smaller than it was 8 months ago!) even remotely attractive or interesting.

Thankfully, chivalry, politeness and good manners are still things that are important and apparently appreciated. She did say something along the lines of "Wow, you are a gentleman," after I held the door open for her and pulled out her chair. That made me smile.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 12:30 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

Westway posted 11/3/2020 17:28 PM

Congratulations on moving forwards. Remember to stay chill and not force things with her.

Pass posted 11/3/2020 21:17 PM

I'm pretty dense and oblivious to 'signals'.

Dude, thatís totally my move. My girlfriend says she found it "endearing"

countrydirt posted 11/4/2020 05:26 AM

Remember to stay chill and not force things with her.

Thank you Westway. That is some of the best advice I've seen and one that I am taking seriously.

My best friend (gay female) is pushing me to just jump right in and have a relationship and get physical. I've tried to explain to her that I can't just pivot after 32 years and magically be all perfect. I know I'm sort of 'damaged goods' and it will take a while to be safe for a relationship.

I don't want to rush in and mess up a friendship with a really nice person because I'm not ready. I've told my new friend that I don't want to jeopardize our new adventure friendship, so I'm being pretty slow and cautious. She likes that.

countrydirt posted 11/5/2020 05:51 AM

We had a very nice 3 mile walk with the "social shuffle" group around the downtown and riverwalk area of our city. It was a nice visit and we laughed and talked the entire time. She showed me parts of our riverwalk that I had not seen and we learned more about each other. We even talked about politics and made fun of the fanatics on either side of the political aisle. We heard some live music so after we finished the walk and got our cards punched (9 more to go for a free t-shirt!) then we headed back to the restaurant with the music.

Both of us forgot our masks, but they let us just go right to the patio near the band and we sat and listened to the music and shared a very nice meal of a huge Cajun boil - plenty of leftovers for lunch today. Laughter and talk continued for the entire time and we enjoyed the 60F weather on November 4th at 8:00 p.m.!

There was a drunk lady staggering around and she shctopped and talked to us. After she stumbled away, my friend said, "I know her from somewhere," but couldn't quite place her. Then later, after we'd both returned to our homes, she texted and said that the tipsy blonde was her ex-husband's girlfriend. Our city is pretty small - 150,000 or so - the odds of seeing someone you know are pretty high. We also ran into my late best friends brother -in-law and one of the cooks at my school.
(related but not last night - the trainer at my gym, who has been very helpful to me through all this, told me a week or so ago, that he saw me walking around with a lady that he knew wasn't my wife)

All in all, it was a very good night. I think if we both didn't have jobs and work today, the end of the evening could have gone differently, but I'm satisfied.

I've had too many years of good and honorable behavior to change into someone I'm not. My gay girlfriend, who's been in 3 long term relationships - 5-17 years each, thinks I ought to be trying to jump in the sack right away. She doesn't really understand that for me and likely many others, sex isn't the main part of a relationship. Intimacy develops and not the first thing you seek.

Our next outing is this weekend for another search for live music and fun in a city to the north of us. Life has turned into a fun adventure.

countrydirt posted 11/7/2020 08:26 AM

The outing turned out a bit more adventurous than we planned. A major accident caused the interstate to be closed, so we took a bit of an off road exit! Then we drove around a lot of neighborhoods to get around the area where the accident was. However, the 'detour' gave us an extra hour or so in the pickup, so we had a really nice talk and just got much better acquainted.

We learned more about each other's history and our divorce/separation stories. Then it was wine and cheese and burger(for her) and pulled pork (for me) sandwiches and then a walk around the ghostly downtown in search of music, which we found and enjoyed.

After the music, we walked the streets of the city we visited for about an hour then found where we parked and headed back home. More visiting ensued and we came to a realization that, for both of us, being adventure buddies/friends is likely the best and immediate outcome. She's still locked in a bitter custody battle and I'm so fresh at this I'm just not ready for much more than that.

We'll be meeting a bit later this morning for a planned 30+ mile bike ride. Weather looks to be beautiful for it, so we'll enjoy the time to work out the stiff muscles from a week of work.

I hope you all have a fantastic day and weekend!

Anna123 posted 11/8/2020 09:10 AM

My best friend (gay female) is pushing me to just jump right in and have a relationship and get physical

That is just what most people that feel that way seem to say, take it with a grain of salt. There are lots of people that don't say that, you just don't notice because they aren't saying it:-) I also stopped telling people whether or not I am having sex when I date. Its none of their business. I just keep em guessing. I notice a distinct mix of friends who have sex quickly after a break up, and those lagging few like myself that discovered after starting to date, and hoping I would be able to discover great sex with a few new guys, that I am the same person I was before I was married. Very S L O W on that front:-) I like that she isn't pushing either. Good sign. Stick to your guns, it will save you a lot of grief going forward as well.

countrydirt posted 11/8/2020 09:13 AM

Our bike ride went well for half of it, but then we had to turn around and ride into the wind. She had clients scheduled in the afternoon, but that darn wind. At mile 32 she said she needed a bale out. I agreed and called my 17 year old and asked him to come get us. It took him until we hit mile 37 to get to us. His Nissan Xterra (2002 with 300,000+ miles) barely held the 2 bikes we had to Jenga in to the back and she insisted in curling up in the back for the 3 miles back to the starting point. The we had to practically lever her out of the back and then untangle the bikes.

Later, we went and grabbed a bite and listened to some live music. That was 3 times this week we've found live music. Before she got there, I sat with the musician's new wife and we talked a bit. I had met her and her new husband a few months ago when he was playing at another venue. She asked about my STBXW and so I had to uncomfortably tell her that we separated and were divorcing, right after she was showing me wedding pictures. I assured her that I still believe in the magic of marriage and was very happy for her, but my heart was breaking just a little.

My adventure friend and I were both tired from the bike ride, so like Cinderella, we both headed home before our carriages turned into pumpkins.

countrydirt posted 11/8/2020 09:18 AM

That is just what most people that feel that way seem to say, take it with a grain of salt. There are lots of people that don't say that, you just don't notice because they aren't saying it:-) I also stopped telling people whether or not I am having sex when I date. Its none of their business. I just keep em guessing. I notice a distinct mix of friends who have sex quickly after a break up, and those lagging few like myself that discovered after starting to date, and hoping I would be able to discover great sex with a few new guys, that I am the same person I was before I was married. Very S L O W on that front:-) I like that she isn't pushing either. Good sign. Stick to your guns, it will save you a lot of grief going forward as well.

Anna123 - thank you for this!

countrydirt posted 11/13/2020 08:23 AM

We realized something last night over dinner. We have spent time together every day that her kids are not with her over the past month. The past two nights have been cold night walks - under 20F - and discovering a mutual interest in geocaching. She's dragging me into Pokemon since her boys drug her into it. We didn't fall into the river! But something else happened for the first time. We actually touched each other - rubbing shoulders while walking, leaning into each other as we looked at the phone screens for the pokemons. Proceeding at just the right pace. Fun and helpful for both of us.

HalfTime2017 posted 11/13/2020 14:57 PM

This is so awesome countrydirt. You sound like a little kid, and I can just imagine the grin on your face.

Enjoy it brother. You deserve it, just as every BS does after all the shit that we've been thru and will go thru. There is light at the end of the tunnel for all BSs, if they so choose. This positive proof of that.

countrydirt posted 11/14/2020 07:21 AM

She's started sending me "good morning" texts!

We still are not rushing into anything, but it seems like we are both more and more comfortable sharing our thoughts and lives.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy