SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

so I'm 31... married for 5 years and have a boy at the age of 2. I thought I had the perfect life, when two months ago everything fell apart. Since then I can't seem to get my thoughts straight and I would love the hear your opinion. So here goes...

My husband and I have known each other for 15 years. We were friends at school. He’s been in love with me since he was 16 years old. Unfortunately, we’ve lost contact as the years passed by. By coincidence, we found each other again five years ago. We fell in love instantly. We moved in together and got married exactly one year later. We had a wonderful time together and had a baby three years after getting married. After having our baby boy, things changed. I quit my job, raised our son for about two years, and started to work at his company this year. This was his idea).

The last couple of months were tough with the lockdown. Our company had to shut down for two months, his sister getting married and the whole family getting crazy about this special event. We fought a lot. He was never home. Always working or helping his sister planning her special day. He didn’t have any time for his child or me. I ranted a lot, and I mean a lot. At the beginning of September, the wedding had finally taken place. I’m a photographer and took the pictures, and we were off for a two week holiday. He was in a good mood, making plans for the following days. We were planning to visit the zoo when he gave me his mobile phone to look for the opening hours. Don’t ask me why, but instead of looking for those hours, I looked at his text messages. What I saw was a chat between his mother and him. He wrote: Mom, I kissed Kathrina yesterday, and she kissed me as I’ve never been kissed before. I couldn’t breathe. I threw the phone at him and ran away.

When I came home, he told me she was one of his driver’s students. You have to know we live in a different country, where you have a driving school, with a driving instructor who shows you how to drive a car in about 2-6 months. She’s seventeen. He is thirty. They have seen each other privately for the last few weeks, and he’s in love with her, but she’s not the reason he’s leaving me. He told me he’s been thinking about leaving me for about nine months because I make his life living hell. I was speechless. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would cheat on me. I tried to reason with him. I asked him what have I done to make him feel like I made his life a living hell. He didn’t have answers for me. He just wanted out. After a lot of talking, that didn’t help me figure this out at all. We decided on a three-week break because he didn’t know what he wanted. We decided on marriage counseling. The summary of these three weeks is: He canceled the marriage counseling, and I went on my own. He didn’t feel “ready.”

I kept on working in his office. He kept on playing hot and cold with me. He kept on telling me that his feelings for me seemed to vanish from day to day, and his feelings for her grew. On the last day of those three weeks, we sat in the office drinking coffee, and I asked him if he’d seen her since. What he told me made me dizzy. He had continued to meet her during those three weeks frequently, and he had sex with her the night before in our office, where he has slept since he moved out. I got up and started to pack everything that belonged to me from the office. First, he was furious, then he left me to my things and came back two hours later. When he saw me packing our son’s playthings, he started to cry. I went to him, trying to talk to him. He told me it was all too much for him.

I told him that I could understand what he was doing. That he felt free with her. No responsibility for his wife and child. No problems. I mean, she is seventeen. She probably adores him, makes him feel special. While I only tell him what we have to do next to keep our business running, listen to his every word. Afterward, he didn’t say anything. I got up and tried to leave the office. He followed me and held me back. What followed was him begging me to have sex with him one last time. He said things like, of course, I miss you, I don’t want to admit it to myself, and I love you, but not as much as in the beginning. Let’s have sex, and then we’ll see where this leaves us. We didn’t. I left.

So, where does this leave us? I withdraw myself. Otherwise, we always start to fight. We only see each other when he’s picking up his son. He continually wants to know what I’m doing while he is having our son. He asks me if there’s someone new in my life, and whenever he has the chance, he tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore and how happy he is with Kathrina.

I found out that this girl has been in his family’s home weeks before his sister’s wedding. I found out that my husband badmouthed me to his mother the whole time while meeting the other girl. I found out that he wanted to wait until after the wedding to end things with me because I’m a photographer and was booked to take the pictures at the wedding.

I got a lawyer. He got a lawyer. Everything is running its course.

The counselor called him one day and asked if he was willing to meet him. He agreed. He talked to him for two hours, and they decided on a second meeting with me joining in. That meeting was my absolute highlight. It went on for four hours! My husband told me five times that he was done with me and our relationship and that he was looking forward to us being best friends after our divorce. He finally had the courage to tell me all the reasons why he didn’t want me anymore, always adding that Kathrina wasn’t the reason.

These are the reasons why I’m making his life living hell:

I’m too dominant concerning his business.

I’m calling my parents once a day to ask how they are.

I’m a daddy’s girl.

I can’t admit mistakes.

I rant too much.

I’m thinking too economical, always saving money instead of spending it.

That’s about it.

He didn’t want another meeting. The counselor asked him four times, he declined. Our counselor allowed us to come back for a personality test to see our differences. We agreed. I think our counselor just offered this because he feels that my husband’s points are not a reason to end a marriage, that we could work on that, and he wants us to come back for a second meeting. I don’t know where this leaves us. I’m torn between, is this for real? That’s it? I mean, sure, I’m far from perfect, but these are things that I can work on. I would have worked on if he would have said something, but he never did, not a single word!

He always seemed happy. He never fought with me. We had a good life.

And me? I don’t know what is going on. How can someone be this disinterested and cruel to his wife and family from one day to another? What does he want with an underaged girl, still going to school, and 13 years younger than him? Does he not love me anymore? Then why is he continually wanting to know what I’m doing? He explains his interest is in him caring for his son.

I don’t understand a single thing that he’s doing. I should hate him for everything he’s done to me those last few weeks and to our son. I should hate him for him and his family badmouthing me before the wedding and not telling me what was going on, just so I photographed the wedding, and everything seemed perfectly fine. But on the other hand, I want my husband back. Not this cheating, cruel man always trying to hurt me and seems to get a fill of it when he sees me crying for him. I want my husband, that has loved me for the last 14 years, never said a bad word to me.

So, that’s about it. I’d be so glad if someone would be willing to give me an advice.

Thanks for reading.

Dear Maylove,

I am sorry that you have to feel all this pain. I am also separated and trying to keep my head above water. I am new to this site as well and find it oddly comforting listening to other's stories.

That’s it? I mean, sure, I’m far from perfect, but these are things that I can work on. I would have worked on if he would have said something, but he never did, not a single word!

Don't think for one second that you need to change those specific things to redeem yourself to make him stay. Marriage is a dance that needs to be choreographed, some days are on and some days are off. Ultimately, he needs to recognize and understand why he feels this way. While he is doing all that he is, concentrate on that little boy and keeping going to IC.

He is leaving for her. Don’t let his lies about you hurt. They are lies. He wants the girl so he is dumping you. If he continues this way in a few years he will dump her for a 17 year old. Think about this. He is so immature that he is telling his mother about his shiny new girlfriend. What kind of mother and grandmother is she? Not much of one!

You have many years to have a good life. Don’t let his behavior drag you down. Find another job and only interact with him about your child.

Don’t hang on to hope. It keeps you from moving forward toward your happier future.

Is it even legal for him to have a relationship wtih a 17 year old?

This is 100% on him. Sure, you had issues in your M. But there were 1000 ways to address those, from counseling to discussing to divorce. Cheating was his choice and you should accept no blame. The martial issues are 50/50,but he owns his own actions.

First: get your ducks together. See a lawyer or three immediately. Knowledge is power and you need to know what D might look like and how to protect your future. Look for a different job. You need to plan for you and your child, regardless of how this ends.

Second: See your doctor, get tested for everything.

Third: After talking to your lawyer and confirming this won’t hurt you and your child financially, expose. He’s a predator dating a child.

Fourth: Get support for you. IC (not MC), family or bestie, pastor or other trusted folks. This is hard and having an outlet helps a LOT.

Fifth: Take care of you. Eat healthy, avoid alcohol, drink lots of water, get some exercise.

Sixth: Read in the healing library especially about the 180. Get that emotional space from him.

I’m sorry you are here. Keep posting- and read in the JFO forum as well - lots of good advise there.

Don’t allow yourself to get sucked back in when the 17 year old dumps him!

17 year old???? Creeeeeeeeepy. Sounds like a man-child. And the mom dynamic....super creepy.

@Devasated: You are right. I am going to concentrate on my little boy. And I wish you all the best.. always remember: You are not alone in this.

@Cooley2here: The relationship with his mom is super creepy. They are far too close and she knows every single thing about us and our relationship. Unfortunately I only found that out now.

@BearlyBreathing: 18 is legal in our country. 17 is legal if her parents agree... and they do. Thank you for your advice. I have a lawyer, was at the doctors and have an appointment for a counselor. So I'm on my way...

Today he (again) showed his true colors which made me do something I wasn't able to before. I told him we're done. To leave me alone and not talk to me others than about our child.

He told me that people/friends/neighbors have addressed him and asked what was going on with ME?!? cause I dress like a whore?!?

Liar.

I'm speechless. First of all I don't dress like a whore. I lost a lot of weight due to our breakup and I'm back in shape.. wearing the clothes I wore before I got pregnant. So nothing bad about that. Just normal clothes he also liked on me before I gained all that weight.

He's jealous cause I don't tell him where I'm going or with who anymore. And the rumors about him and his teenage girlfriend have spread...

18 is legal in our country. 17 is legal if her parents agree... and they do.

What the HELL is wrong with her parent's??????

There is no way in hell my parent's would have allowed me to date a 30 yr old man.

Sick.

You never said how old your husband is so I'm going to assume he's around your age or a bit older. He's a man in his 30s divorcing his wife, who he has a young child with, to be with a 17 year old girl. There's nothing rational about that.

Your husband's reasons are simply excuses. He's just trying to justify his actions, and the only possible way he could do that is to make you the bad guy. But since you aren't actually the bad guy all he can come up with are those lame excuses.

One thing he is right about is his actions aren't the fault of that girl. Honestly it could have been any shitty woman he could have done this with. It's his fault. Period.

He's cruel because he sees you as an obstacle to his happiness. Additionally back to my earlier point, he needs you to be the bad guy. Thus he treats you accordingly. It really just makes him a coward.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but unless he's suffering from mental health issues you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a man who would bail on his wife and mother of his young child when things get tough for a 17 year old girl.

There's a chance he could do this again. Not to mention what kind of influence he's going to have over his son as he grows up. If this is the beginning of a trend maybe it's better that it reared it's ugly head sooner rather than later.

As painful as this is, dealing with the same type of behavior for decades would not make it any easier for you.

I will tell you this, there's a pretty good chance that he will try to come back to you. I really don't see a 17 year old trying to settle down and be step mom to a 2 year old. This infatuation he has does have an end date. Maybe sooner or maybe later but it's not going to last.

You need to ask yourself what you're going to do if/when he does come crawling back begging for a second chance hoping you'll be his Plan B after Plan A falls through.

I understand you have a small child and your work situation sounds pretty shaky on top of that, but I can't help but see your husband as a borderline pedophile. I don't care if 17 is legal where you are that is some scummy shit.

Hope everything works out for you and your son.

[This message edited by JS84 at 8:49 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

Everything that js84 said and this-

Maybe you could be different, better.

But if he's so out of things that he's willing to cheat, then no matter what you di it won't work out.

If someone wants to make it work then they won't abandon you.

That is my insight, having been totally abandoned and being a person who forgave and tried to work things out.

He CHEATS on you and then points out that YOU "dress like a whore." Hmmmmm...what a genius he is.

And his true love is 17 to his 31? Well done! Quite the power couple. Imagine the stimulating conversations they will have!

Maylove, I'm so sorry that he and his family used you for the wedding like that. That reveals a lot about them. He's throwing away a diamond. Doesn't make the diamond (you) worth any less. Eventually, when you are healed and ready, some other lucky guy will see your worth.

I’m a former cop and want to share something I used a lot when confronted by insulting and aggressive people. If someone was screaming at me, insulting or aggressive I would think in my head “Do whatever you want, say whatever you want to… at the end of this shift I’m going home and you will be in jail.”

I think a comparable attitude could help you.

He has shown you what he is and what he’s capable of. All these words about your faults, dressing like a whore and so on… this is all done to provoke you in order to get a negative response that will in turn help him justify his actions:

My affair is OK because ML spent all her time talking to her parents.

My affair is OK because Teeny isn’t a whore like ML.

And when you respond it enters his brain as justification: No wonder I had to find a new love; ML is so blind to reality she doesn’t understand how damaging talking to her mom for an hour every day is.

It’s not logical. But it is what it is.

Your attitude might be “Say whatever you want, do whatever you want. At the end of the day I will be divorced”.

And then head off for the best, most realistic scenario you can get.

Still working in your company. Still have access. Take the time now to copy all important information: his appointment book, the accounts, copies of bank-statements, tax returns, annual reports… You want half the value in some way or another. With his actions to-date there is no reason to assume he will be fair and open in the divorce process.

There is no way in hell my parent's would have allowed me to date a 30 yr old man.

Especially a married one!

MayLove, it may take time to get through this but I hope you move toward divorce and put him in the past even if he begs you for another chance at some point.

You gave his list of complaints including you "dress like a whore" and you talk to your mother every day and you are better and more reasonable at managing money than he is.

I'm going to make my own interpretation of "dressing like a whore" just based on a guess not knowing you or how you dress. You wear flattering clothes that accentuate your best features. That is NOT something you should stop doing for him or that you should change.

Same with the money; it is my view that your way is better than his, so you should be throw away your best character traits to be more like what he SAYS he wants?

As for talking to your mother, do we really even have to go there when he TEXTS his own mother about kissing his 17 year old gf?

I'm not a person who "advises" people to get a divorce and not forgive the cheater as every situation is different and I forgave my current H who was very remorseful and still is 14 years later. But someone who did what yours did, with the lame excuses he gave, I just don't see it ever working in any positive way in the future.

Ew. MayLove, he is gross. He's not only a lying cheater, he's an inappropriate gross lying cheater. Just ew.

You miss the guy you thought he was. So understandable. I think we all missed the spouse we thought we had. That guy is dead. This is what's left. A gross man who sleeps with a 17-year-old.

You don't want that in your life. Could you ever respect him again after that? I mean, how?

This will get better with time and space. Clarity will come to you, love will fade, and you'll gather your outrage up and be appalled at his behavior and grateful that you aren't tied to this man anymore.

@JS84: I agree with you. All of the things he's said why he did what he did only make me laugh. They are excuses. He's known me for 15 years. And believe me I haven't changed a lot. So he knew what he was into when he married me.

I don't think, that he'll come back. He's too far gone for that. And me? I can't even look him in the eye now after everything that happened.

@Bigger: I reread your post quite a few times now and it has really helped me to look at his actions the way you describe them.

@Bobbi_sue: I would love to show him, that he's not better with his mom. Even worse I would say. After I found out about the affaire I was able to read some messenges he wrote to his mom before I found out. I was speechless what kind of things he's telling his MOTHER! Gives me the creeps.

But even if I would talk to him about it, he would find excuses why this is normal and me calling my mom asking if she's okay (after having had a heart attack two years ago) is a reason to end a marriage and cheat.

I want to thank you all for your advice. The current status is:

Two days ago I told him that I don't want any contact to him anymore. That I don't want to see him, hear from him oder read messages. Only exception is if it is about our child.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course he couldn't accept it at first and has tried to reason with me, telling me that he thinks it would be good for us to keep on going to marriage counseling. And how sad he is, that all of this is happening right now.

For a second I thought about this being the right decision, not going to counseling anymore, now that he seems to want to. But I know now, that this is only a way for him to bind me to him again. He hasn't and won't change. He's still with the teenager and only wants me as his other option if this doesn't work out in the end.

I told him: "I am not sad, that all of this is happening. I am sad, that you gave up on our family. I tried everything I could. But now I'm done. This is on you and I'm working on my life now without you."

Haven't heard from him since. And I'm fine with that. Nothing more to say to him at the moment.

Well done, MayLove. This is hard, and you will still have ups and downs. But there is a clarity when you start to put yourself first.

Hang in there. See the lawyers. Keep moving forward.

I am hoping to get to where you are soon! I have a very similar situation, my husband that I have been with for 30 years has left to be with his now 21 year old girlfriend (she was 19 and he was 61 when they started). All I can say is that we have to protect us and our children while they are out messing around with little girls.... I am so sorry that you are going through this!!!

I am hoping to get to where you are soon! I have a very similar situation, my husband that I have been with for 30 years has left to be with his now 21 year old girlfriend (she was 19 and he was 61 when they started). All I can say is that we have to protect us and our children while they are out messing around with little girls.... I am so sorry that you are going through this!!!

@Thrownaway29: I am so very sorry for you and I know what you're going through. All I can tell you: I didn't believe I would come to this point where I could let him go, but suddenly it happened. It was one accusation too much for me.

And yes, there are moments where I think - was this the right decision. Shouldn't I have fought harder, shouldn't I have given him the chance with another counseling appointment. No. No I tried so hard, I tried so much and on my way I lost myself. Surround yourself with family and friends. Talk es much about it, as you like. And if you don't want to talk, that's fine too. If you wanna cry, cry. But don't cry for the man, that has left you. Cry for the man that you have shared all those good times together. Cause this is the man, that you probably want back. But he's gone. And he probably won't come back.

[This message edited by MayLove at 6:40 AM, October 28th (Wednesday)]

Going to counseling while the husband is in an active affair is comparable to bringing a sixpack of beer to an AA meeting.

Being sad about what’s happening is like someone saying sorry each time they punch you. Doesn’t really mitigate the hurt.

I get it that you want to fight for your marriage and I’m on record here on SI for repeatedly saying a marriage can reconcile from anything. But that requires a couple of things like commitment and the truth. If your husband were to tell you hes cut off all contact with the OW and is committed to making things work there would be a purpose in counseling.

There is a crude joke about being careful what you ask for. Sorry for the language, but it has relevance:

A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and out jumps a genie. Genie gives him three wishes. He wishes for money, a harem of beautiful women and last of all that his “member” be so large that it touches the ground when he stands up. Genie snaps his fingers and tells him it will all be as he wishes when he wakes up next morning.

Excitedly he goes to sleep only to wake up next day surrounded by riches and beautiful women, but with no legs…

Same could apply to your husband.

He’s wishing for a friendly divorce, or maybe not even that. He’s seeking acceptance that he has his young affair partner while maintaining some of the comforts of home.

I’m not suggesting you make divorce any harder than it needs to be. Anyone that has even had what would be considered an amicable divorce will testify that it’s hard anyways. Even the amicable divorcees will confirm that after the Big D it took time to establish healthy relationships with their exes as good coparents. Few will tell you they still hang around with their former in-laws or drop by their exes place for a coffee. In fact – if it wasn’t for the coparenting aspect then MOST couples that divorce tend to cut off all contact eventually.

I would be great if you could share a coffee and chat about life and your kid, that you could both be at the same school play and all that. But that down the road.

Just remember: The law in your country will specify what your rights, entitlements AND concessions will be. Do what you can to maximize the first two while minimizing the last. All within reason and the law in your country.

My biggest concern is the value of his business and it’s status in your divorce. A one-man driving school it’s easy to change the flow of money. That’s why I suggested you get copies of everything while you have the access. But lean on your attorney for these matters. If you are in any way registered as an owner (by marriage) or have the access then NOW is the correct time to get the relevant data.

Going to counseling while the husband is in an active affair is comparable to bringing a sixpack of beer to an AA meeting.

Being sad about what’s happening is like someone saying sorry each time they punch you. Doesn’t really mitigate the hurt.

I get it that you want to fight for your marriage and I’m on record here on SI for repeatedly saying a marriage can reconcile from anything. But that requires a couple of things like commitment and the truth. If your husband were to tell you hes cut off all contact with the OW and is committed to making things work there would be a purpose in counseling.

There is a crude joke about being careful what you ask for. Sorry for the language, but it has relevance:

A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and out jumps a genie. Genie gives him three wishes. He wishes for money, a harem of beautiful women and last of all that his “member” be so large that it touches the ground when he stands up. Genie snaps his fingers and tells him it will all be as he wishes when he wakes up next morning.

Excitedly he goes to sleep only to wake up next day surrounded by riches and beautiful women, but with no legs…

Same could apply to your husband.

He’s wishing for a friendly divorce, or maybe not even that. He’s seeking acceptance that he has his young affair partner while maintaining some of the comforts of home.

I’m not suggesting you make divorce any harder than it needs to be. Anyone that has even had what would be considered an amicable divorce will testify that it’s hard anyways. Even the amicable divorcees will confirm that after the Big D it took time to establish healthy relationships with their exes as good coparents. Few will tell you they still hang around with their former in-laws or drop by their exes place for a coffee. In fact – if it wasn’t for the coparenting aspect then MOST couples that divorce tend to cut off all contact eventually.

I would be great if you could share a coffee and chat about life and your kid, that you could both be at the same school play and all that. But that down the road.

Just remember: The law in your country will specify what your rights, entitlements AND concessions will be. Do what you can to maximize the first two while minimizing the last. All within reason and the law in your country.

My biggest concern is the value of his business and it’s status in your divorce. A one-man driving school it’s easy to change the flow of money. That’s why I suggested you get copies of everything while you have the access. But lean on your attorney for these matters. If you are in any way registered as an owner (by marriage) or have the access then NOW is the correct time to get the relevant data.

I absolutely agree with you. That's exactly the reasons I quite counseling. And I don't understand why he wants to continue. As far as I know, he's in a relationship with that girl now.

He definitely wants to maintaining the comforts of his home. Seeing our son, whenever his girlfriend has to study for school. Me as a friend and colleague to help in his company. And on the other hand an easy life with her with no responsibility.

I have actually saved all documents in his company that I need. Concerning his business: we have signed a marriage settlement before getting married. So financially I'm save.