MayLove.
Thank you for your kind words.
I wasn’t here on SI during my H’s affair. I had to rely on my gut, common sense and street smarts. I made a ton of mistakes during his affair. Pick me dance. Trying to reason w/ him. Hoping he’d come to his senses. Believing his lies. Don’t supportive about his emotional mid life crisis.
Until dday2 - the day I found out he was still cheating while I worked my butt off to reconcile. I went go counseling. He refused.
He kept telling me for 6 months he wanted a D. I kept hoping he’d change his mind. I was a yo-yo. He wants a D. Then the next day he changes his mind. Two weeks later he wants a D. Then a day later he changes his mind.
Prior to that in our marriage I was very laid back. I was pretty much okay with most things and he took advantage of me. Showed up late all the time. I mean hours late. He would refuse to call. Traveled extensively for his job so I was home with kids etc. very often. Never complained.
Okay. It’s dday2. He walked in the door and demanded a D. 3 days earlier we went for marriage counseling and he swears he wants our marriage to work. Now he wants a D (yet again). I am devastated yet again.
However these last 6 months (since dday 1)I had been working on my plan B. Just in case. You never know right?
Hours later I decide to call the OW. It was a 3 minute conversation. I was very polite and just asked her what was going on. She told me they had been seeing each other. I said “thank you for being honest” and hung up.
I went downstairs and told him I knew everything. I spoke to the OW. He said he ended it earlier that evening and the Affair was over. He swore up and down he wanted to reconcile. I was very calm and rational. No yelling. No cursing. Just calm.
I was so angry I couldn’t speak.
Two days later I told him I had no choice but I was D him. I told him I had nothing left to give to this marriage and he was free to go and be with the OW or anyone else he wanted. Again 2 minute statement of fact, I did not give him a chance to speak and I left the room.
He’s begging to reconcile. Love bombing. The whole sh$tshow. Straight out of the cheater’s manual lol. I refuse. I told him he had to leave. He refused. So I made a phone call to a friend and told my H in 3 days you are leaving and going to a friend’s house. After that you are on your own. Figure it out.
Of course he’s now devastated. He never thought I would ever stand up to him. He thought I would let him come running back and all would be forgiven. He seriously underestimated me.
I then demanded a post-nup to even consider a reconciliation.
It took me six months to stop thinking every day I was Divorcing him. It took a year to stop thinking I was going to D him at least once a week.
He changed. He realized all he did and the damage he caused. He has seen over the last 7 years the trauma he created for us. He acknowledged all of it. While it was true he ended the affair hours before I told him I was D him, it didn’t matter. The damage was done. He said “divorce” one too many times. And in 25 years that word was never spoken.
However I could see immediately the changes he was making. I can tell you they are permanent. Not something he did for a few months but things he still does to this day. 7 years later.
He’s not the same lying cheating jerk he was. People can change. They just have to want to. And he wanted to.
We have a very different marriage now. I take no crap. Once I stood up to him I expected things to change or we would not stay together. I no longer do errands for him or his laundry. I don’t stress over his things - like his keys or wallet or did he remember to do things. That is all on him.
I now put myself first. I used to put everyone else first. Not any more. I have my own social life just for me. Things he’s not included in.
And I always have my plan B - money in the bank-just in case.
I realized his affair had nothing to do with me. It was his unhappiness and issues. While he blamed me for everything none of it was my fault. He just allowed his dissatisfaction with his life to spill over to our marriage. He realizes now his poor choices only complicated things. Typical mid life crises snd he thought an affair was the solution.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:00 PM, November 29th (Sunday)]