I want you to be truthful – mainly to yourself – about one key issue:
Is divorce your biggest fear?
Is divorce the worst possible outcome from this situation?
Would that be worse than discovering your wife is having a full sexual affair with another man?
If you can honestly tell yourself that divorce, or even the threat of divorce is the worst possible outcome then your steps are simple:
>Either get your WW to use protection when with the OM or you start using a condom when you two have sex.
>Try to get her to shower when she comes home from working “overtime”.
>Convince yourself that she really is working overtime when she’s doing the budget with the boss on a Friday evening.
Do that, be quiet and maybe the affair ends in a year or so.
There. No risk of divorce, at least for now.
If the above doesn’t sound good… well… accept that there is another possibly worse outcome:
IMHO that outcome would be to realize today that she’s having an affair, and then realizing 3 weeks, 3 months and 3 years from now that it’s ongoing.
The worst outcome isn’t losing your wife – it’s SHARING your wife.
This is so important.
Once you know the options; reclaim your marriage or share your wife; you can start working towards attaining the goal you want. Only… IF your worst fear is divorce then the minute your wife realizes that then the affair will carry on. After all – it’s not as if she’s risking anything by it – you fear divorce more than knowing she might be in the arms of someone else.
The question changes and therefore the answer:
It’s no longer I don’t want to divorce, what do I do?
It becomes: I don’t want to be in infidelity, what do I do?
Then realize there are two good ways – paths if you like – out of infidelity.
There is reconciliation. To reconcile certain things are needed, some to start and some as you progress. To start with basically all that is needed is mutual commitment to R, accountability and openness and that the affair is over.
More is needed as you go along, a LOT more. Some directly related to the affair, some are general marriage health issues.
Then there is divorce. To divorce all that is needed is that ONE of you wants to divorce. That’s it.
Friend – there really is no third option IMHO. These are your two paths, R or D.
Fortunately for you they don’t run in opposite directions. In fact they run parallel for quite some time and it’s easy to step off one to the other.
Realizing and accepting the above can be so liberating.
IF your conclusion becomes that your wife is having an affair with the OM… well… Knowing that your answer or option is not if you divorce her but rather that you get out of infidelity gives you power. Her reactions and your response to those actions will be what might determine if that’s via reconciliation or through divorce.
OK – So back to the is she cheating issue.
Based on what you share then yes. There are more red flags than you normally see in a Chinese parade. None of us can tell you with 100% conviction she’s cheating, but if your description was a weather report I would be wearing rain-gear and preparing for the storm.
There are some questions you might answer so we can guide you onwards:
Is the boss married? If he is then why not phone his wife and ask her about that evening. If she shares that yes, your wife was so drunk and she slept on the couch then maybe we are all wrong.
If he isn’t married… well… one more why rent a hotel room to work question.
Is he the BOSS BOSS. As in the owner? Top level? What would his superiors say about this behavior?