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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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crazyblindsided posted 10/26/2020 12:39 PM

I had a really fun weekend. But last night he sent another suicide threat. I know I probably said here that I wouldn't respond if that happened, but I did. And it didn't go well at all. He went from wanting to die to raging at me in about 20 seconds. I hung up and then felt terrified that he was going to show up here.

Sounds like we had the same kind of weekend. My ex texted me and I responded very matter of fact, and then got a rash of angry texts. I felt terrified as well I was on my bathroom floor shaking and crying. I blocked him this time, I'll probably unblock when he has kids or use a parenting app. I just don't want to hear from him ever again. I'd be fine if he dropped off the planet.

skeetermooch posted 10/26/2020 13:08 PM

Yes, exactly. He seemed so unstable and so enraged. I kept it pretty clinical and validating, didn't take the bait on his accusations, but he kept escalating. I went to bed with a stun gun, knife and pepper spray next to me. I'm probably overly paranoid but I have no frame of reference for this level of crazy.

DevastatedDee posted 10/26/2020 15:32 PM

Skeeter, I am over him and I am over a lot of things about being with him, but one of the things that sticks with me that I'm still angry about is having been forced into being a person who could hear "I'm going to kill myself" and responding with "it's your life and that's your choice" and meaning it. After a certain period of time, I found myself wishing he'd just do it because I needed him to leave me alone one way or another. It's a cold place to be in and I don't like that I got to that point. I went from loving him with all of my being to being absolutely okay with him killing himself within the span of 2 years. That is madness.

He wasn't the same person is what I tell myself, but I know that he was the same person, just without the mask.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 3:32 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

DevastatedDee posted 10/26/2020 15:35 PM

I was accused of being an internet porn star during some of his suicide calls, which is ludicrous. He kept sending me porn that he said had women in them that looked like me. WTF.

Superesse, I think those of us in failed Rs or those who divorced are probably good things for people trying to R to read about. This is the sort of stuff that does lie ahead for many.

DevastatedDee posted 10/26/2020 15:39 PM

And yeah, Skeeter, I slept with a gun nearby. That is also insane to me because at one time I trusted this man with my life and was so comfortable with him. These are not normal breakups.

crazyblindsided posted 10/26/2020 17:14 PM

I found myself wishing he'd just do it because I needed him to leave me alone one way or another.

I'm glad you said this Dee because in my darkest moments I was thinking the same that I wish he would die just so he would leave me alone. I just kept thinking what has happened to me thinking this way? My mind is tormented

crazyblindsided posted 10/26/2020 17:16 PM

STBX was accusing me of having a new person living with me and that he hoped I was happy like the hell is that?

skeetermooch posted 10/26/2020 17:18 PM

Wow, Dee. Yeah, our exes are the same kinda crazy.

He accuses me of insane things - I never liked having sex with him, I was having an affair, I think he's unattractive, I was never committed to the marriage, never listened or supported him (felt like all I did, bc his drama with other people never ended), one of my favorites - I was "using" him (he can't say for what since I was making more money and he didn't do shit for me)...

He bellows that I'm gaslighting him bc I won't admit to these insanities. He uses terms that describe his behavior and character on me: no empathy, gaslighting, narcissist. Makes me want to scream.

Of all the horrendous things this man does these blatant lies get me the most. Someone told me the other day he said that I was cold-hearted, never supported any of his projects and our relationship was all about me - he entirely left out cheating on me as well. I laid myself out like a human doormat to accommodate him, had way to much compassion and patience and in return I'll be characterized as a sociopath to all of our mutuals.

I also heard the other day that he's telling people we are still together. That one worries me. When he can't maintain the lie anymore what's he going to do?

Superesse posted 10/26/2020 19:51 PM

Without getting too graphic, I think I can summarize these kinds of guys' thinking about women, and why any woman who breaks up with them must already have another penis lined up...it's because THAT'S ALL THEY THINK WE ARE GOOD FOR! AND, maybe more accurately, it's ALL THEY THINK THEY ARE!! "Fuck sticks," as one former NFL linebacker bemoaned to me. I'd never heard the vulgar term. But he was "whining" while trying to "impress" me about how women were always throwing themselves at him for a roll in the hay with his magnificent bod. Or something, see what I mean? (He was a hunk. Anybody could notice that as he was tall and muscular, etc.) But I mean, they are just that primitive in their thinking.

So Skeeter, best to stop taking this all so personally, it really isn't directed at YOU it's him venting his rage at his Woman-Cardboard-Cutout (I was gonna use another C word, because honestly I have heard men use that term for women they're mad at.) It's just what they all say, as others here have confirmed. And why worry so much about how he managed to hide it? I guess it's bugging you because you're like me, wondering how you could have missed this huge flaw. I suppose nobody here would say they just "changed" because we have proof they had such a history. Maybe they just spent a huge effort to seduce and sell themselves, going in. That's how I ended up here....

[This message edited by Superesse at 9:16 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

skeetermooch posted 10/26/2020 23:32 PM

I'm not so much concerned about how I missed it - I didn't. It wasn't showing at all. He never raged once before dday. Never attacked my character before dday. Never blamed me for his behavior. He acted normally, and I do mean ACTED. I can't fathom how a person could hide their actual personality from their spouse for a few years - that is truly next level talent.

I think you're on to something about these men and thinking it's all about sex. Probably the sexual abuse history has something to do with it. They sexualize everything. My STBX certainly believes that's the main reason women keep him around and I don't think he's totally wrong. Although, I can't say that was the case for me.

He's been driving by my house. I suppose looking for a car in the driveway. It's so creepy to be his target.

Superesse posted 10/27/2020 08:37 AM

Skeeter, are you making notes about the stuff STBX is doing, to show your lawyer? I assume you are. So long it's only driving by your house on the street, and not slowing or stopping, I guess it's not illegal but it's part of a continued refusal to accept that his behavior has had consequences, so I'd be wanting my lawyer to know this.

skeetermooch posted 10/27/2020 09:19 AM

Hey Superesse, I don't actually have a lawyer. Did the divorce by myself because it was pretty straightforward and it's a no fault state.

Yes, he can drive by, and he can even park on my street if he likes. I went through this with my ex bf, who stalked me for years. He liked to park at the corner and watch me come and go all day. The judge didn't see a problem with that. I got a restraining order but getting a distance requirement was very, very hard. I ultimately got 200' after paying a lawyer $2500 to defend it in court. Then he just parked precisely 200' away from my house and watched me. This after two arrests and documented death threats by voice mail and text. I doubt my current STBX will make those mistakes. He was around for some of the stalking years.

Restraining orders are pretty useless and just seem to escalate these guys. My ex bf retaliated by getting restraining orders against me and my STBX with manufactured claims and zero evidence. I had to again pay a lawyer a few thousand dollars to get those removed. I wasn't about to have a restraining order in the public record for professional reasons. We were successful, but it was quite expensive and I had to see the fuckface in court multiple times. Ultimately I used the DV room - because he had DV charges, but could literally hear him in the hallway. It was traumatic and scary. I wouldn't go down that road again.

Superesse posted 10/27/2020 10:18 AM

When I met with the lawyer who did my Post Nup, we talked about "what if" scenarios and he said not to file restaining orders unless I truly felt threatened. He said the divorce court sees a lot of cases where the evidence against the supposedly dangerous STBX doesn't impress the judge, so it ends up working against the spouse who filed it. But Skeeter, I also think you may be right, in the effect such moves have. Sounds like you know way too much about this, unfortunately. I still tend to think it should be documented, because you may want a time and date reference in the future and wouldn't exactly remember the details?

Maybe Dee would disagree...too much focus on a problem tends to increase the problem? Just my $ .02.

DevastatedDee posted 10/27/2020 11:36 AM

I don't really disagree. I think that he could be stupid enough to force your hand on the RO, but I'm hoping he's like my XWH in this too where he will get bored with no contact happening and eventually fade away. But you have to stick to no contact. You cannot interact with him. Once I no longer needed to for settling our property issues, life got a lot better for me and he eventually stopped pushing my boundaries and contacting me.

I join you in being amazed at the people they seem to turn into when you leave them. I recognize that they were always this way, but like you, Skeeter, I find the acting skills very impressive. Superesse, I think you're right in that they sexualize everything. There was literally no reason for my XWH to think that I was a fucking internet porn star. I mean, that was so insane that I couldn't even. And that's besides the fact that he was the asshole sleeping with prostitutes...I mean really. He also thought I had a boyfriend or three after I left. I guess the fact that he would have jumped at the chance to have a girlfriend or 10 after I left made him think that surely I must be as shallow as he was. I used to blame the drugs and assume that he had just seriously fried his brain cells, but too many other men with these issues act the same way. It wasn't just drugs, though they didn't help.

It's all just so freakin' weird and irrational.

skeetermooch posted 10/27/2020 15:49 PM

I think it's pretty well documented with my SI posts - in terms of my ability to recall if needed

I was reading yesterday about narcissists and I guess this personality flip is pretty standard. I always felt my STBX had features of narcissism, but now I think it may be full blown. The flipping between blaming and being contrite and the huge injury he's experiencing as a result of being dumped also line up. I get being dumped is hard but after what he did shouldn't be so unexpected and by this point he shouldn't be trying to get me back - that's just delusional.

I've not had the desire to look into the spam folder since this last incident - progress. I don't want to see what he's ranting about or what channel he's switched to. I just don't want any part of it. Hopefully I stay in this mindset.

Today I was thinking about his hidden personality and searching for any indications I overlooked. There were tiny, tiny things that gave me pause, things easily explained and not pause like I doubted his sanity or safety as a partner - just times he reacted differently than I would've anticipated. I wonder if that's what it comes down to - just bolting from a budding relationship bc of really small blips? It seems like we can never really know another person. We all have quirks that might mean nothing or indicate a full blown personality disorder - we can't know until we know.

DevastatedDee posted 10/27/2020 16:59 PM

Yeah, same. There were tiny things that could have been trivial or could have been a sign of what was to come. There were no overt signs. There was nothing I can really hate on myself for not catching on to. There are things that I know now were signs, but I had no frame of reference to understand that then. Now I do.

MyHeart101 posted 11/1/2020 14:57 PM

Of course there's more to the story but in short, my husband of 4 1/2 years has been addicted to viewing online porn our entire marriage. I realize that not everyone will agree with my sentiments and beliefs that pornography is cheating but because I do and my husband knows how I feel, he has binge cheated at least 4 times and disrespected me multiple times. Of course he also lied about it and found absolutely no wrong- doing the previous 3 times. I don't have any respect for him in our marriage and I certainly don't trust him and I second guess everything he says and does. I will not attend MC until we've both attended IC. He went to one IC session, came back drunk and blamed me for everything and because he's "doing better" he doesnt think he or we need counseling.

I start my own IC this week. We have a comfortable life and it seems we are on auto pilot again.

It may not make sense to some but I love him but I don't know that I am IN love with him anymore. I think he's destroyed those feelings. Even if we stay together, I don't see how our marriage will ever be the same or full of love. I don't feel I can trust him and I hate the suspicious person it's made me become.

I think I would mostly miss my comfortable lifestyle (with 2 incomes) and life with my 2 boxers if we parted ways.

That's a sad statement. Thanks for listening.

BlackRaven posted 11/1/2020 18:42 PM


Welcome to the group you never wanted to be a part of.
I understand exactly what you're feeling about the love vs. in love. Most sex addicts have a hard time with intimacy (some researchers describe SA as an intimacy disorder) and it's hard to be in love with someone who can't be their authentic self around their spouse, or who withdraws when we show any emotion.

I just want to caution you to get yourself tested for STDs. While you may think your husband's activity is limited to viewing porn, it may not be. I suggest reading the book Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, who is the person who basically developed the SA concept.

Another good resource is a presentation by Dr. Kevin McCauley. He has two movies out available on Vimeo, but I found a presentation on youtube from a talk he gave at a conference, and I think it covered the basics. He explains how porn and other addictions affect the brain and how they are degenerative., leaving to increasingly risky behavior.

Best of luck

secondtime posted 11/1/2020 23:06 PM

Hi My Heart-

My husband's SA MO is porn, fantasy and compulsive masturbation. While he hasn't cheated (yet), he does in fact fantasize about real people he knows (coworkers, the moms at my kids' school). So, I expect, eventually, his addiction could lead him down that road, even though he swears up and down that it won't happen.

Like you, I love my husband but, I don't love him. I've found that actually I can trust my husband about anything other than his addiction.

But, we do have the business of raising kids, and I'm not interested in divorce for financial reasons. I've willingly offered him legal separation (it's a thing in our state), but he seems to prefer to be married and in our home.

We still have a fine time of it. Other than his addiction, we have the same values and goals. We are involved parents. We don't fight about anything else. We spent a half an hour at the table with our older two kids this morning for breakfast laughing and having a great time. He supports me, whether it's hobbies or furthering my education. We do enjoy each other's company.

I have other places to look for emotional intimacy.

So, I think it's OK that we define marriage as we see fit.

I also think of our relationship as something more fluid now. Whatever I decide today, I can change my mind a month, year, or decade from now. Personally, that takes a lot of pressure off of myself.

Do take the time to focus on yourself and heal yourself.

skeetermooch posted 11/2/2020 12:34 PM

My Heart,
So sorry you're here. You husband as violated your trust and broken promises. It's totally legitimate. Some people can't use porn or use it and maintain any integrity and it's a problem that does tend to escalate - ask me how I know

Reading your backstory, it's clear he's pushed other sacred boundaries - trying to kiss his daughter and pm'ing. He sounds like a likely candidate for more problematic secrets or escalations.

I hope you can find a way out or to a solution that makes you happy.

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