Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: cobblerock

I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

This Topic is Locked

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 8:21 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Sky diving - never!! I'm afraid of heights. But yes, my male camping pal is pretty great. I felt bad because he kinda did it all - started the fire, helped me with my tent, bought and cooked all the food...He's a good guy. Hopefully, I won't be so much dead weight as I learn more about how to do camping things I can start a fire and I think I have the tent down now at least. Cooking is another matter. If it were up to me, I'd just eat ready to eat things while camping. I have no clue how to time things cooked over a fire.

Yes, my son is on the spectrum so change is introduced very slowly. Usually, I verbally warn him that on such and such a date or after his birthday he will have a new chore, which I explain. Then I give him reminders that it's coming every few days or once a week, depending on how far out it is. This makes for a much smoother process.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8600971

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

Skeeter, that is such a good tip, advance notice for new tasks. Hadn't heard that mentioned anywhere else. School of Hard Knocks taught you that.... thanks!

And you are right, my SAWH really IS a fucking handful! I just now got another slap in the face from the kind of arrogant defense mechanism he's always used to hide his glaring inability to listen to a woman's voice read him anything...he was driving down the street in his truck and I had an email open he said he wanted to hear, came from our oldest mutual friend. Well, knowing his issues, I waited until he'd turned the street corner and got out on the main road, so he wouldn't have to drive and process my words (He has me trained!) Then, I waited until he got through a stop light on that 2-lane main road through the small town, too. At last, going through a level, uncongested stretch of 25 mph road in light traffic, he was waiting for it, so I thought I could read it to him. I started reading it out and almost within seconds, he barks out something at some car waiting to enter the road where we'd stopped for another light. "Come on, get out there!" like he was giving them time to do and got irritated they hadn't, meanwhile completely shutting down the message I was trying to share.

He's too proud to say "hey I really can't process your reading me something while I'm driving; hold on." Instead, he uses indirect ways to cut me off so I will "understand" it's my fault for distracting him from where his focus is - even if he asked me to, a minute earlier. I knew he had no need to verbalize that "command to nobody," other than to shut me off!

Oh ladies, that flipped my Bitch Switch! He got his ears chewed half the way back to the farm. I tried (again) explaining how a special ed teacher told me she identifies kids on the spectrum: that they have uneven academic or communication abilities for their intelligence level. And reminded him how, the night before our wedding, his mother made a point of telling me she'd had to take him to remedial English and speech therapy classes at age 6-7 since he was failing those subjects/skills but acing all his other schoolwork. (3 As and 2 Fs, she said, then blamed his problems not on her neglect and overt sexual abuse, but on a series of substitute teachers he'd had that year!) Told him how I'd wondered at the time why she chose that important day to dump that on me (we hadn't met prior to the week of the wedding) but later on, figured out she probably was trying to say "don't expect too much from him in the communications department!

Told him we all have our difficulties, and we need not cover them up by attacking others. Reminded him my little quirk is a consistent but embarassing left-right reversal I'll do when working with objects. I didn't used to have this problem, but after my sister died, suddenly...WTF, I lost a brain circuit? Who knows. But I admit it! I don't try to act all superior about it and make him the bad guy whenever I don't get something "right" that we are trying to manipulate (like turning a 4 x 8 sheet of plywood together, or worse yet, folding up a tarp! We always do things 180 off!)

To keep hanging out with him, I told him while I accept he can't do anything about his genetic issues or his male gender - they don't seem to multi-task as well as most women do - the one thing he can change that would help us get along better, is to lose the arrogant cover-up passive aggressive crap he hides it with!!! He nodded, but I'm pretty sure it fell on deaf ears, once again. He has to want to improve the relationship and self-protection is always his first instinct.

I frequently wonder if he's just getting old and cognitively challenged, or whether truly could it be his autistic worldview. (But Toddler Brain works really well!) I could so much more graciously accept his limitations if he weren't such a total dick about acting like "His one area of talent buys him forgiveness for any of his weaknesses!!" (I think this is original. Feel free to steal it!)

His whole family come across as very proud and judgmental, so perhaps he had to hide behind this nasty defense mechanism from an early age. But why can't he ever decide to lose it? Aaak. I had to take some of my home-made tomato juice to sooth my strained vocal cords, after we got back. And ended up here, venting again!

Skeeter, try this next time you go camping: ask a male camping buddy to fold up a tent or tarp with you - something that takes two sets of hands, and see if you both work on the task the same way....we never do! Either it's me or him, I'm not sure. But his way is always the right way, and I get barked at. (But he also calls lumber 4 by 2s instead of 2 by 4s, because that was the way they did it back in his country - that he left 35 years ago. Today he mailed off a DMV application for a title for his new truck, and had to list the repairs he did to this salvage vehicle. He typed out on the form that he had "changed a tyre." I told him not to get annoyed if that word holds up his application, as lot of folks in our country wouldn't know what he meant: he laughed it off saying "I thought I'd mess with them a little." The dripping superiority in his response shows me that he really thinks his way is the right way. Everybody else just has to catch up.)

I know, I know, if this could have been fixed, it would have been, by now. But aging does weird stuff to us all. If I could trade him in on a younger model...then again, I'd be the mommy again...

On cooking over a fire and food, my Mexican friends explain to me that they learned to cook using outdoor cooking methods, simple fire grilling. Think of the Elotes, grilled corn in its husk, or carne asada, or the grilled masa tortillas. I think it isn't supposed to be that hard, but we just didn't grow up doing food that way, day after day. My BFF said even the laborers in Mexico would bring something from home for their lunches, and instead of each eating his own lunch like we do, at midday they'd start a wood fire, and every man would put his food on the grill, then they'd all share in the buffet. What a cool concept!

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601038

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020

I'm on the border with Mexico and I have to say Mexican people are ingenious and know how to live. One of my many retirement fantasies involves Mexico. I love elotes. I should bring corn on the cob if it's available here for next time.

Ironically, I was dating a few people when I met my husband. One guy was a sweetheart but he was still in the middle of a divorce and was not exactly in a position to do anything. He had a house in Mexico and was in the process of situating himself to spend more time there. I chose my idiot STBX over him because he was available, clear on what he wanted and seemed the best match - I was pretty crazy about them both but truth be told my STBX was so movie star handsome, I was a bit ditzy over him. My inner-teenager got the best of me. Anyway, the Mexico guy kept in touch for a long while after we split up and was always describing his life in Mexico, sending pictures etc. Once I found out about the cheating I was kicking myself. I could've been spending half the year on the ocean instead of falling apart over this creep.

It would be seemingly simple for your husband to not be a dick but let's face it, it's not an intellectual problem. It's deeply embedded in whatever mental health issues he's got going on - it's part of a gigantic gnarly pile of crap that will never be untangled. I think some get worse with age and some get milder.

If your husband is truly on the spectrum he's not likely to get any better at his age - presuming he's in his 60s. Best to avoid situations you know trigger his meltdowns. Fun to always have to be the bigger person, isn't it?

Ugh, feeling so stuck in this morass of sadness and anxiety. I know my STBX isn't an option and I don't want him to be. I see that situation as utterly hopeless, but it often feels like he's the only person in the world who cares about me at all - and I know, his version of caring is piss poor. I don't count the kids because they need me, they're dependent. They don't actually care a whit about what I might be going through. My son is disabled and I don't expect much although he's the more empathetic of the two. My oldest doesn't even check to see if I'm okay, knowing I'm in the middle of a divorce. It's rough always being so strong that no one thinks I ever need looking in on. My STBX, fuckwad that he is, at least says the words - he pretends he cares.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 5:51 PM, October 22nd (Thursday)]

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601067

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:46 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

After D-Day 2 in 2014, when I was so publicly betrayed by my SAWH's arrest, I lost most of my newly-developed social connections, other than this one new friend from Mexico, who is young enough to have been my daughter. She basically saved my life, I believe. I've spent the last 6 years building my strongest real life connections with her Hispanic Communidad in our parish. Because, unlike all the parishioners my age and older who considered me "Mrs. SAWH," she and I connected right away on more than that one channel, sharing a language and a common interest (growing flowers), and not just a "hubby and kids" kind of association.

She actually says she really likes my SAWH - as do most people who meet him. She has no hesitation to call him for any kind of mechanical issues a person is having, but what I appreciate is that she manages to keep me and him in separate compartments in her mind, which nobody else in my married life could ever manage to do!

Thanks to my friendship with her, I'm sort of in love with the Mexican culture. But there are lots of major life-safety problems down there now, as they've all shared with me. Many older friends of mine from Mexico I met through her, would dearly love to go back "home" but think that their home isn't safe any longer.

Still, I can easily imagine you could be looking back now, and wondering if going South of the border would have been the better move, in some ways. And who can say? I've never been there, but some aspects of their lifestyle, really do sound superior. However, remember this: you may have been the recipient of some of that famous Mexican courtly wooing...all that coulda changed!!

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601114

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:45 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

And Skeeter, just now re-reading your post, I didn't respond to your last paragraph and I see how the "sads" are attacking you now. Is that because you had such a nice time and now it's back to "this?"

I was hoping the uplift would carry you through another grim week on the march to D....

But seriously, you know you must lift your eyes beyond any flawed human being to make you feel like you matter! I hear what you are saying about the kids who don't give that feeling back. It seems common in this day and age. But what you are saying sounds really deep, way deeper than the late, great Fuckwad could be responsible for (a term somebody here must have invented). Of course people care for you! I care. And I never met you. So what is this talk?

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601120

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:52 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Thank you, Superesse. I really appreciate your kindness.

I just get into funks I guess. Camping was a delightful escape and I don't think I felt sad for a minute there. Maybe it is the let down of coming back home.

Some of my friends are much younger too. My camping buddies are in their thirties. Definitely young enough to be my kids. I feel like I've been thrust back to that life stage. I'm starting over, figuring out what's next, not settled in. So they fit. And at that age they can relate more to relationship drama. It definitely doesn't seem age appropriate to be dealing with this nonsense at my age.

I go to Mexico a lot and it's pretty safe. I think the poorer neighborhoods are often run by cartels, which can vary in their level of danger - some act as sort of citizen police forces and can be quite helpful to their villages, others are more menacing. Mostly, they war with each other. The expat communities, like where my former flame has a home, are entirely tourist based and don't have a cartel presence. I've traveled all over Mexico and Central America and felt safe everywhere except Honduras. Because of my skin color I blend in, so that might help me in not becoming a target.

Your church community sounds lovely.

I actually believe I was the inventor of fuckwad or co-inventor. On either here or CL I complained about the ever popular "fucktard." My son is disabled and it's so hurtful to see people using that term. I asked if people would please stop. A conversation ensued and fuckwad was born. My contribution to healing from infidelity

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601129

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 7:15 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

Skeeter, of course that camping "high" is followed by the inevitable return to your scene at home. An old Army slang is SNAFU, know what that stands for? So right now, you are extricating yourself from the FuckWad. Hahaha, I can't believe I commented on that and you invented it! Pretty graphic - but sure fits....

And for goodness' sake, don't feel weird because of the age difference between you and your friends!! In other words, stop measuring yourself by some external parameters. Who really cares if your friends are younger, or older? I have some of each. But I very much relate to your feeling of being "out of phase" with where others your age may be...or where you perceive they may be....I've reached the place where hanging around with women my age tends to suffocate me, as they've often been married since college and by now, have freaking grandkids in college!

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601136

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:42 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

What does SNAFU stand for??

Yes, a lot of people my age have the life I guess I imagined I'd have and don't - a longterm marriage, grandkids, retirement on the horizon...I am completely not there in any regard. No marriage, no grandkids and who the hell knows if I'll ever be able to retire. I certainly won't be retiring like a dual income couple in a longterm marriage. In some ways, I don't want that life. I know many of those folks eat a lot of shit sandwiches and do a lot of looking the other way to get there. No thank you.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601325

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 8:23 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

I must be showing my age...thought everybody had heard this somewhere along the line. Maybe it was a WWII era military saying, but anyway SNAFU = Situation Normal: All Fucked Up.

Sort of describes a lot of our lives, right?!

Skeeter, the less comparing of haves versus have-nots you can do, the better you will feel. I am sure you have already started to figure that out. I used to be eaten up with thoughts like that when I was a divorced woman professional in my late 30s-early 40s and truly didn't know another soul in my age group who was so alone as I. But here's a true tale to show why it's not very helpful to go there.

One day years after my divorce, I was feeling the dread of another upcoming holiday season alone. I was in a department store and an older woman was shopping next to me, and we exchanged chit chat. Somehow she brought up that her 50th wedding anniversary was coming up. Something I knew I would never live long enough to experience...and I was frankly awed and jealous all at once. So I gushed "how wonderful!" I will never forget the disdainful look she shot back at me as she said "Nah, not that wonderful..." and my heart just hurt for Imagine not being able to rejoice in such an accomplishment, I thought. At that point, marriage was what I missed and really wanted for myself, but felt I had been cheated out of by my bad first marriage and my fickle boyfriend who chose another and dumped me after 4 years.

Now, I'm about halfway to that "married" milestone (23 years of this!) and I'd tell someone else the same exact thing! So we never can predict what it feels like inside someone else's life.

[This message edited by Superesse at 2:32 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601417

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 10:47 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020

I agree, Superesse. There's a lot we don't about people's lives and the sacrifices they've made to stay married. I can honestly say I don't know a single couple whose relationship I would want except perhaps my paternal grandparents' marriage. They appeared to treat each other with genuine respect and kindness. I spent a lot of time with them. I never saw an argument, just love and cooperation. They were poor and hardworking and all about family.

The norm is far less appealing. I wish I'd had more kids though and/or that the ones I have would give me grandkids. But, then again, I love my freedom and I would never be that grandma who babysits all the time. So, it's probably just as well.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601451

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 6:10 PM on Saturday, October 24th, 2020

So disillusioned.

So I just got off the phone with one of my best friends of 25 years. After being single for a very long time and doing a ton of self-work, as she's done her entire life, she met a guy about 4 years ago and they eventually moved in together. She took her time, did all the right vetting. He seems wonderful. I've spent a lot of time with them both and he's been super supportive around my infidelity situation. They go to counseling together to discuss things that come up in their relationship - just super intentional and healthy. They also run a successful business from home and are together all the time and seem to truly love it.

SO - here's the thing- she caught him having ongoing, longterm flirtations online with two different women. Sexting, flirting as well as more platonic talk. All secret. One has been going on for a year and a half, one only a few months.

She told me today and clearly wanted to draw a line of demarcation around his behavior and my situation - although my first mini-dday was exactly this - online flirting and it was devastating and I wished I'd ended it right then and there. Not saying her guy would carry on to the extent my STBX did - he wouldn't, if for no other reason because all of their money is in a joint account and she knows where he is 24/7.

She went on to effuse about how she's really glad it happened because she's learned so much about her triggers and it's informed her of the self-work she needs to do and how he's doing all the right things, blah blah blah.

I just want to barf. Are all men total fucking weak assholes?

I feel like a jerk validating her happiness that this happened. I'd feel like a bigger jerk trying to push her to see this for the fuckery it is. I wish I didn't even know.

Also, she's positioned herself as in a healthier relationship and is critical at times of my choices. I think she didn't share this with me right away because she didn't want to admit her relationship wasn't so perfect or that it bore any resemblance to my situation, which makes me feel terrible for a lot of reasons.

Infidelity is so insidious. It confers all this shame onto the victim and separates us from each other. I hate hearing her gush about what a positive this was - it's NOT. He betrayed her. Her being triggered by that isn't something she needs to work on. Ugh. I could easily become a huge man hater.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601656

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 8:21 PM on Saturday, October 24th, 2020

Oh UGH, Skeeter! What a situation. Part of you wants to open her eyes. Part of you knows she won't be receptive to anything coming from you, because of course she firmly believes her BF isn't anything like your STBX. Shows me how many different ways there are to spell D.E.N.I.A.L.

Hindsight will inform her that this was her early warning.

I am sorry it went down like that, but the one odd thing you mentioned they do is see a counselor...I'm like "...already??" That's how I got married to this one! A freakin' relationship counselor. I am not kidding. We did a course of 12 sessions and a couples weekend with her and her therapist husband. I think it "shaped" the direction we took...but nobody picked up on his deeper issues.

What good weekend stuff do you have planned? I woke from another depressing dream....about my old career I left 21 yesrs ago. I still have these dreams from time to time, maybe because I was screwed out of a career by the "good old boy network." A.K.A. corrupt officials on the take....I heard I was "blackballed" at one of their secret meetings, because they considered me "too straight," and knew I "couldn't be bought." A plumber told me that one day, and I thought he was crazy. Asked where he had heard that. He said he belonged to a secret society that included a lot of the higher-ups in my town....well, son of a gun, the guy whom they brought in rather than promote me, was in fact a member of that group. He had been fired for embezzlement at his prior job! Yet I got shafted and at the time, didn't have the support system or guts to fight it. It haunts my dreams to this day, and how life goes by so fast.

Plus, it's overcast here today. Farmer finally got his100 acres of wheat planted over a beautiful 5 day stretch of fall weather. Figures now I can go out in the garden, it's going to turn colder and darker. Bah.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601691

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 12:07 AM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

Yeah, they see a counselor already because she's a therapy junky. Honestly, she went from alcohol addiction (she's been on the wagon around 30 years) to 12-step and therapy addiction. She has a friend who does somatic experiencing - all the rage for trauma. They have been seeing her to be proactive and keep things on track - so much for that!

She's actually been angry at me a few times for not booking a $175/hr session with her friend, remarking how much it's done for her and her partner. Now, that he's had his little indiscretion, I wonder if she's going to keep pushing her pal? She's also very agoraphobic and has made no progress with this counselor - or any others really - yet she's always lording over me how emotionally unintelligent I am and how I need this or that. Ugh - humans are a pain in the ass. I should have seen that all of her superiority around mental health and relationships was denial. Awhile ago - before my dday, she'd caught him sneaking porn. They had some rule about how much porn he could watch and he was breaking the rule behind her back. But man, when my STBX cheated, I was weak for taking too long to end it.

Your experience and this just go to show, cheaters can dupe anyone. Anyone can spout the right psycho babble and con a counselor or a regular person. They do it every day.

Sorry about your cold, gray weather. I hate that too. It's very hard to motivate. I wonder if your dreams are related to some trigger in your current life? There's something unresolved. It sounds like a toxic situation.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601736

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:46 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

Ok ladies, don't read me the riot act but I met a guy for a drink last night. It was fine - he was pleasant and easy to talk to. I just had to remind myself there's a future full of possibilities. I am in no way interested in actual dating or a relationship. I suppose it was an experiment. The anticipation was extremely nerve-wracking though. Glad I did it but don't know if I'll do it again anytime soon. I'm feeling more like I don't know if I'll get into another relationship again - my peace and happiness is something I want to guard like Ft. Knox. I have a hard time imagining any man would be worth risking it again.

The weather here is finally lovely (sorry cold-weather location people). So, I met other friends for drinks on a patio before I met him at another outdoor venue. It was nice being downtown on a Friday night. Everyone was masked walking the streets but of course, not while drinking or eating.

I'm going to see a friend later for a used designer clothing sale outing.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8601880

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 9:09 PM on Sunday, October 25th, 2020

Hey, when I said you should have a nice weekend, I didn't mean this nice!!! j/k

I mean, here I am in my sweater, fingers numb from the raw cool weather, sitting in the house dreading another long Sunday....and read this! I only missed one day talking to um umm.

I'm glad you could handle it and the outdoor socializing has to help maintain those boundaries we all talk about. Just one little 'aviso': if I had a drink with friends and then went out to meet a guy for another drink, it might allow my emotions to come to the surface. THIS is what gets us ladies in so much trouble! And we know how alcohol facilitates that. If you can discreetly or even unapologetically drink Sprite or some non-alcoholic brew, you'll be in command and looking grand and not letting things get to you.

Can't say I'm not jealous but I like your realization about your peace and happiness. Never forget: men ought to be just the paper on YOUR cupcake! At least at this stage...

And one doesn't need the drama if the STBX were to somehow get the news, of course. Hope the D timeline is moving along well.

(Well this rainy afternoon, I'm going to try to bake some cupcakes for my BFF's surprise birthday party which is tomorrow, somebody at church just whispered and reminded me. With all the Covid drama and everything, the date had totally slipped my mind! Actually it was still registering as "something happens tomorrow, what is it?" Ooops.) And then I will whip up some heavy cream to take with me to church office tomorrow morning because I'm sure they will have a cake for her, a "pastel." Maybe tres leches with frutos.

Wish me luck as I am not a baking kinda gal.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8601936

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:04 AM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Good luck with the cupcakes. Now, I want a cupcake!!

I was pretty good handling the liquor because I had the two drinks quite far apart. Two drink is my max but it's always good to be reminded. I'm not one to get teary or crazy when I drink though. My go to is sleepy

The D should be done in 3-4 months I hope. Just a waiting game at this point.

Enjoy the bday party and tres leches - sounds yummy.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8602033

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:23 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Skeeter, I'm not going to give you a hard time. I think it's probably risky to try and date this soon, but I'm glad it was a good experience. Guarding your peace like Ft. Knox sounds like a good plan for a while. It takes some time to regain our balance after this. I physically left over 2 years ago, mentally left longer than that ago, and I'm still in the guarding my peace stage, lol. I think family views it as me being too damaged to date, but I don't. I just really don't have any interest in complicating my life right now. Two teenagers is sufficient complication. I had a ONS after I left and I don't regret that for a second.

Sounds like you both are having some good social interactions! Good for you two!

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5083   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8602123

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:49 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

You're absolutely right Dee. I just felt compelled to get out there and prove I could date if I wanted to. Mission accomplished. I feel a little bad for the guy, but I don't think he was looking for a relationship - rather a hook up, which ain't happening.

I had a really fun weekend. But last night he sent another suicide threat. I know I probably said here that I wouldn't respond if that happened, but I did. And it didn't go well at all. He went from wanting to die to raging at me in about 20 seconds. I hung up and then felt terrified that he was going to show up here.

My goal is to not look in the damned spam folder so I just don't know these things anymore. It's the only way.

Does anyone understand how these guys are able to hide their mental illness for years? My STBX never raged at me or expressed these irrational thoughts prior to dday. He was never emotional or verbally abusive. Now, that's all he is. I don't get how someone can mask that for so long. I suppose living his double life somehow kept it in check?

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8602158

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:29 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

Skeeter, you are training him by responding...suicide threat = she'll respond. Every single time you do, Mr. Chicken Pecker gets to dump his load of pent-up rage (for his self-inflicted misery) on somebody who just offered herself as a receptive audience for it. Goodness...Reminds me of my alcoholic brother.

Over the years, I've learned this with him. When he has had anything to drink, any contact (even email) from a Female Who Cares (me, in this case) invariably elicits a string of what to me is verbal abuse (cursing, anger at the world - including everybody). I get the Poor Little Old Me act from him, designed to make me feel bad. Especially on holidays or his birthday, sheesh. Clearly my brother thinks if I care how he feels, then I ought to hurt just as much as he does - or worse. I also have seen him and my (late) father pull this on me, and 5 minutes later my other brother happens to call, and they'd switch off the hateful rant and be all cheerful sounding! So that's when I saw it so clearly!

(Ironically, like infants screaming in rage, until Mummy picks them up, except they hate HER, so they've had to transfer their Soothing Person to another male.) With both the men in my FOO, the effect on me goes, according to learning theory, like this:

I reach out > he turns his anger at the world up a notch, just for me > I get punished for having tried > I decide not to keep checking on him > he doesn't get to abuse me any more.

You really have to get to a place where such a damaged person no longer elicits this response from you, before he'll stop. (My Abnormal Psych professor gave me this advice - and she had dealt with them all!) Sorry, but he knows those particular dance steps very well. You have to quit dancing along...It's perpetrator behavior, and also that of a poorly-functioning mind.

Dee, I've pm'd this to you before, that we who have had to detach from the SAWH shouldn't feel like we have to shuffle off to the D/S forum where our stories would be lost to others who may not have had such a f'd up tug-of-war to deal with. That's why I still post here sharing my struggles, after I faced the sad reality that nothing I did could have Caused this man to do what he's done over and over; after I accepted that I really can't Control this man with agreed-upon boundaries, which is why he is out of the house now - because I learned that nighttime here falls within my zone of safety (need for some control), and I wasn't able to Cure his problems with anything I did.

So I hope the readers here who haven't yet decided what to do may get a picture of what a future with a SA could look like if they hang in there, as I did for so long. And I hope nobody feels that the "unsuccessfully R'd" battle-scarred veterans of engagement with a SA should move off this forum just because we are sailing towards some kind of new life.

posts: 2071   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8602207

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:50 PM on Monday, October 26th, 2020

I'm sure you're on point, Superesse. The suicide stuff gets me. I feel like if he just did it without reaching out to me I'd accept it better than if I blew off his cry for help first. It's really kind of self-serving - I do not want to live with the guilt.

He went into his usual rage saying I was toxic and traumatized him, etc. I didn't argue. I suggested he find a support group for SAs, that he needs more help dealing with the break up. Finally, after him screaming about how cold-heart and without empathy I am, I hung up. I'm trying to make sure he's not really going to off himself and he's telling me I have no compassion and calling me every name in the book. It's just ridiculous. Obviously. I won't fall for it again - I mean it this time. It's one thing to be manipulated into giving him attention, but I'm not opening myself up to verbal or emotional abuse again.

Who the hell is this person - how was there no evidence of this rage and irrationality during our entire relationship pre-dday? It's part of what makes extricating from these relationships so hard - there's the person you knew for years and this new person who's only just shown up but certainly isn't leaving. I know everyone doesn't seem to experience this - many BSs seem to get remorse (even if it's fake) after dday. I got a venomous, misogynist psychopath.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 11:53 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8602218
This Topic is Locked
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240712a 2002-2024® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy