SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry this mess happened to you. Basically, your marriage has been a lie.

Your wife is now in damage control hiding her shame from family and friends. It's all about 'her' - she's not worried about you at all.

Your wife never wanted to 'fix' anything in the marriage (just the opposite) because the OM has always been a fantasy lurking in her head as 'mr perfect'.

Among other things, in the context of marriage a cheater is: entitled, selfish, deceitful, and lacks empathy for their spouse.

This is 'who' your wife is. And this is 'who' the OM is.

If she wants to R, among other things, it starts with her providing a timeline of the affair.

Do not allow the AP to get away without being exposed to his wife. His religion may tolerate multiple wives but I doubt it tolerates adultery.

Do not allow your wife to protect the AP (which she is currently doing).

Do not tell your wife why you want the contact information. Insist that your wife provide full contact information (name, address, place of work) - or you will expose her to her family (bluff if you have to).

You may have looked like George Clooney she would have still done it.

In fact some of us do look like George Clooney. Just sayin’

Many us have been highly affectionate, physically fit, sexually passionate, emotionally available, professionally successful, intellectually stimulating and do our fair share around the house (I cook so all the meals and I could be a competent commis chef in a restaurant kitchen).

And our wives cheated.

I read about an attractive successful female TV anchor whose husband cheated.

People cheat because they see an opportunity, they want it, they like it, and they think they can get away with it. Because they are selfish. Full stop.

Your wife has made a complete mockery of your marriage and your commitment for most of the time you’ve been with her (and probably all of it).

180 her and stop allowing her to sex bomb you.

Get yourself a very good therapist. The sheer level of duplicity and cruelty your wife has shown over the years is astounding even by SI standards. It might not have hit you yet with full force, but when it does it will be a bloody tsunami. Be prepared for it.

Brother you need to step back.

You have been in a shit marriage for decades. Your WW has stayed with you for no other reason than financial stability. She has had a sub-marriage so to speak with another man for probably 7 years at least. 18 years without sex? How the hell does a marriage go 18 years without sex?

O man... I wish I could be one of those people who could tell you how to rebuild this, but I don't see how you can. What is there to rebuild? From my outsider's vantage point your marriage is rubble. I know you have busted your ass to get where you are, but you have a partner who has had one foot out the door for decades but just never made the leap.

Set her free. Set yourself free.

In fact some of us do look like George Clooney. Just sayin’

Many us have been highly affectionate, physically fit, sexually passionate, emotionally available, professionally successful, intellectually stimulating and do our fair share around the house (I cook so all the meals and I could be a competent commis chef in a restaurant kitchen).

And our wives cheated.

I read about an attractive successful female TV anchor whose husband cheated.

People cheat because they see an opportunity, they want it, they like it, and they think they can get away with it. Because they are selfish. Full stop.

I totally agree with this. I am one of those who believes that most cheating is a result of sexual greed coupled with opportunity. If being attractive, physically fit, wealthy and successful are supposed to be deterrents that ward off being cheated on by your spouse, then why are so many good looking actors, pop stars, athletes and business leaders getting cheated on by their spouses?

People can be greedy in more ways than just greed for mammon. Sexual greed is just as prevalent. My STBXWW is as sexually greedy as she is materialistically greedy. She cannot get enough male attention. She's an attention glutton and sex addict.

I am a big Shania Twain fan, and I remember back when her husband (who was also her record producer I think) had an affair with her best friend. I was gobsmacked when I heard that. Shania Twain was the most smokin' hot woman I think I had ever seen, and she was rich and talented too. So if that wasn't enough for her husband, then those qualities are not as valuable as we all seem to think they are. My conclusion therefore is that her husband cheated because he is a sexually greedy asshole who saw an opportunity for a side piece and took it. And in doing so, he and the BFF destroyed two marriages in one swoop.

I am also trying to track down the OM wife but had no luck so far, even through one of my lawyers. I don’t know her name, only her profession and general geographic area she lives in and my wife will not tell me her name as she said enough people suffered.

Just hire a PI in your area, you should have the info in a couple of days, but If I was you, I would first tell her to give you the info (make sure it's verifiable) otherwise you will EXPOSE her A to her parents, I think you should EXPOSE her with All family and close friends, spare her father if you want to, but tell everyone else, it's not your job to protect her secrets, it's called consequences.

Again, make sure you find and tell the OBS, it's the right thing to do, I'm sure you would want to be told if you were in her position, if you don't the A will probably continue/resume even after you D.

Thank you everyone for your responses - much appreciated.

It wasnt a full 18 year affair as there was a break from around 2009-2010 until mid 2019. He wanted to marry her back then but because he is Muslim, she knew if she was wife #1, he would marry 2-3 more and didn’t want that. Now, apparently she has “grown” and was open to it, but decided she doesn’t want that. I think if she went ahead with it, she would be #2, he would marry 2 more, and what a sad situation it would be. He got tired of waiting then got married around 2010-2011 and had a bunch of kids.

She told him she had hoped he would have whisked her away to some island 18 years ago, and to his credit he said it wasn’t his place to break up her marriage. He said SHE had to do it, but she was too much of a coward to do it.

Not sure if I believe there were no other affairs but she is not the type to do that (he even said that to her on one of the recordings). I thought she wasnt the type for affairs, but that wasn’t true either so anything is possible. The one thing I will say is he certainly knew her much better than I ever did.

And now I know why the sex dried up as it is very coincidental with the start of the affair.

One night recently while we were talking at dinner, she told me again (after telling me many times), that she didn’t have sex with me out of respect for me as she couldn’t have sex with 2 people at the same time.

I said NO, you didn’t have sex with me as you would have seen it as cheating on him with your husband. I think I hit a nerve as she lost it, tears came out and she said it wasn’t true. However it was EXACTLY true.

On one of the last recordings before it all came out she flat out admitted to him that she knew all these years I wanted sex, but she deliberately held it from me. She also said that she could have made her life a lot better with less issues if she had sex with me, but she says she couldn’t live with herself if she did and her self-respect was more important. Her point is I would not have changed my behaviour and would have thought because she had sex with me, in my mind, everything would be perfect. I think she was correct with that assessment as I would likely not have made the changes I have made in the last year. However, it resulted in me being an emotional slave of hers. I am still in shock that she admitted this (albeit on a recording, NOT to my face).

She also said on a recording that she never loved anyone before like she loves him. When I brought this up with her, she is silent and has no comment.

At one point in March, she lost it on me as I alluded to the fact married people have sex and she said what do you want me to do, whore myself out to you? It gutted me that she saw having sex with me as whoring herself out. She told him on a recording about that conversation and said that comment really got to me and I cannot let it go (I wonder why).

She knows of couples where the wives only give sex to their husbands when they do things - ie things around the house, you get a BJ, trip, get sex etc. I think that is essentially prostitution and is disgusting - those women are no different than hookers.

However in my case, she got everything she wanted WITHOUT giving up sex. I am the stupid one for not realizing it sooner. I had blind love and faith towards her. I think deep down I always knew but I did not want to accept it and was biding my time until the youngest was 18. I also said to myself what kind of man would I be if I divorced my wife because she won’t have sex with me? That I would put my own selfish needs ahead of providing for my family and kids. That’s the number one thing that kept me trapped for so long.

I have been standing up for myself to her for the last 9 months and she kept telling me that I finally woke up and finally have a spine and a backbone, but she said not to use them on her. Thats because she had full control over me before but doesn’t anymore.

I even told her on more than one occasion she has been using me as a walking ATM.

Lately when we talk she asks me if I think we are going to make it and I said I don’t know. She is walking on eggshells around me since it came out a month ago.

I stayed cold and distant from her for the past few days and she was upset I didn’t kiss her, but we kissed last night - probably the best kiss we have had in 18 years.

She believes we can make it past this, if I am able to control my thoughts and triggers. I told her she contributed to that because she could have told me. Instead I had to find out the way I did which made it worse, as I constantly have conversations and other audio playing in my head.

I am also jaded towards women as I think if a virgin unicorn (what I thought she was) who was brought up properly with great parents and a proper father figure can do this, what chance do other women have? Is it all downhill from there?

As an aside, the George Clooney reference is an interesting one, as someone I used to work with used to call me that all the time. He said based on my appearance I was the George Clooney of the office.

With respect to using PIs to find the other wife, I dont need to. Based on the very few details I know about her (rough age, profession and natonality)I have already narrowed it down to 5-10 people from a list of 300 and can almost guess the 1 that it is.

[This message edited by Awoken at 9:35 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

Oh for the love of all things decent and normal!

Just divorce this woman already!!! She doesn't love you man. She probably never loved you. This idiot doesn't know what love is. Move on and find yourself a woman who can truly love you and be kind to you. You may have made a lot of mistakes as a husband, but your wife is a monster.

This is one of the most heartbreaking I've read. Reading your story made my trigger something terrible. I have to be honest with you. I do not see how you can R with your WW. Not at all. I would probably be cold to her. I would probably tell her, "If you want any chance to save this marriage, give me his wife's name. Give me every detail of your affair, a full timeline. Full transparency of your phone, email, and social media starting right now. Do this, and this is a start. Say no, we divorce and I share what you did to everyone". Then stick my hand out expecting to get her phone. Then follow through with filing for divorce when she says no. I would then tell her she has 24 hours to get out of the house. She is not remorseful, not one bit. And have you thought of checking to see if your children are yours? DNA test should be considered. She is still in contact with him. She is protecting him over you. In her eyes, you are not her husband, he is. Free yourself of her. She does not deserve you.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 11:04 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

She believes we can make it past this, if I am able to control my thoughts and triggers.

After all she's done, she has the cheek to give you conditions and make demands?!!

Last week we were walking and she saw an old lady eating dinner at a restaurant alone. She broke down crying saying she thinks that will be her all alone and that she will deserve it.

YEP!

On a more serious side, you need to DNA your kids and keep your hands off her. Start the 180 hard, look it up in the libraries here. HB is a weapon she will use and if you believe after all these years that suddenly she has any love for you, you are delusional.

She is very afraid this life is going away, and she's right.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 11:04 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

It's unclear to me why divorce isn't a clear choice for you now. Just reading what you wrote about the recordings makes me angry. Are you afraid of being alone? But you were alone for the past 18 years. Concern about financial ruin because of the divorce? You are better off than 99% of the country.

I don't know. Only you can decide how much more pain you allow yourself to suffer before taking action.

Man, how terrible.

I suggest you bite the bullet and start divorce proceedings.

Find a woman who will actually love YOU and enjoys sex. They are out there.

Good luck!

Damn, this is a hard read. You've really had a miserable life, Awoken. Your "wife" has dedicated herself entirely to another man, to the point where he was her main focus for her emotional and sexual energy for EIGHTEEN YEARS. I know we are sometimes a bit too blunt and honest, but I just don't know where you go from here. I don't. You say you love her, but I don't even think you really believe that, based on what I'm reading. I think you might have, once, before your wife checked out of your marriage 18 years ago. What's left for you? Numb acceptance? You can't even sweep this under the rug and pretend it didn't happen any more.

She destroyed your marriage decades ago, didn't even try to rebuild it and openly, defiantly treated you like dirt throughout. Don't mistake her tears when she reacts to your challenging statements as remorse... or even embarrassment for committing adultery for so long and so often. She's concerned that now that she's caught, she's going to lose her nice comfortable life with you as the walking ATM machine.

Does she work, still? Sounds as if with older kids and everything paid off, if she has a job it won't be AS painful to divorce her. Sure, it will suck, but where is that compared to you experiencing another 18 years of treatment like this?

Just curious, do you live in a country that permits plural marriages? If she was considering being one of many wives at one point, where exactly would that be?

She believes we can make it past this, if I am able to control my thoughts and triggers.

I've read some delusional statements on this forum in the past, but that one is epic, right there. After 18 years of infidelity, and her not cooperating in the least to make YOU feel safe and secure in your marriage going forward, and not cooperating in providing perfect transparency, nor safety. The conclusion I would arrive at is the marriage is doomed and Elvis has left the building. How she has the stones to even THINK she can dictate to YOU what the terms of reconciliation could be. WOW! She's wired wrong. You'll do this on "her terms or not at all?" Seriously? You are standing for this? Let me ask you this.. what kind of prize do you think she is where she could even think you would be willing to do what she asks or believe what she says unconditionally any more? What, exactly would you be signing up for if you stayed with her? She's been selfish for literally decades. Give yourself the luxury of being selfish for you own purposes when you analyze this. Is she really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If I were you, I wouldn't give up on the PI idea quite yet. She seems committed to protecting the other man in this thing. As far as you know, she is still IN this affair if she protects his interests over yours. Nip that in the bud. If they are meeting, you need to know. If they are f*cking still, the OBS needs to know one way or the other.

I'm glad you seem to be committed to the notion of getting a divorce. She seems unrepentant to me, and who can blame her? Contempt was a tactic that actually worked for 18 years. You need to get out of this nightmare.

Obviously your marriage has been over for a very long time. She will get plenty to be taken care of in the divorce, so I wouldn't look back if I were you.

Also, I have to add this - I have a problem with the phrases "virgin unicorn" "raised with good values" being thrown around. A woman's sexual history is not indicative of her worth or value. Obviously I'm not talking about cheating, but many women aren't virgins when they marry, and there's nothing wrong with that.

From a DNA perspective, they are my kids - the AP is South Asian and I am not and they look like me.

SlapNutsABingo, what is HB?

I am not afraid of being alone, in fact, I think that’s where I need to be right now to figure out how I want to live the rest of my life.

Initially I was afraid of the financial hit but I am not anymore. Anything has to be better than how I have been living.

Where I live Polygamy is illegal but it’s accepted in Islam so people still do it.

She certainly treated me like dirt and for many years said she has no respect for me - how could she have respect for a man that allowed her to get away with what she did for so many years?

Belle25, with respect to your comments about virgins, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t marry one. I would prefer someone with experience (but not a lot).

[This message edited by Awoken at 11:29 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

Awoken

Have you two sat down and discussed why you remain married?

Seriously.

What is it you two want to retain or attain?

Are you both on the same page?

Bigger,

Thats a good question.

The things that came up when we talked:

- we didn’t want to disappoint the families as from the outside world we were perfect

- we are both 1st born and are examples for our siblings, so failure is not an option and are both Christian as well

- deep down I think we still love each other and thought we could get past this

- she said for the 1st time in our marriage she can be completely honest with me after everything came out so things will be different going forward

- we didn’t want to waste all the years we’ve already been together given what the dating world is like today

Those were some of the things we discussed and I know about the “sunk cost” fallacy and agree with it.

My original plan when I started in Nov 2019 to finally come to terms with what I saw happening, was to work my ass off for 18 months and make a decision by March 2021. I wanted to fix myself emotionally and physically. I am almost fixed physically, still need work on the emotional side.

I am heavily leaning towards divorce right now.

Even though you had hints and some info for some time, it is clear that the out in the open facts are really quite new. You are not even remotely close to the rage stage, yet. If you decide to stay because of some current sense of we can make this work - unless you too are a one in a million unicorn - the somewhat stable sensible thoughts about a future that you may have now, will transform into anger and rage and will not let up for quite some time. In your scenario, maybe never.

Your WW has never had to show honest and sincere remorse, empathy, and contrition.....ever. All are requirements for a healthy and satisfying R. How she handles those things, will be critical to the level of rage and trauma and anger that is coming. In my humble and very limited perspective of her, she is not likely to do too well with any of those qualities.

I am sorry for what you have gone through and the pain you are yet to experience. Decide what you want from life and what you want for you and how much pain you are willing to endure, based on what you know and who you know you are dealing with.

Awoken,

HB is short for Hysterical Bonding, and it’s starting with the deep kissing but will escalate beyond that quickly. It’s what she will use to F her way back into your life.

I’m not talking about the current AP (and he is CURRENT) because they are still in contact. I’m talking about other AP’s. You can not say, with certainty, that this was her only affair. This is just the one you have found out about. Test your kids.