Thank you everyone for your responses - much appreciated.
It wasnt a full 18 year affair as there was a break from around 2009-2010 until mid 2019. He wanted to marry her back then but because he is Muslim, she knew if she was wife #1, he would marry 2-3 more and didn’t want that. Now, apparently she has “grown” and was open to it, but decided she doesn’t want that. I think if she went ahead with it, she would be #2, he would marry 2 more, and what a sad situation it would be. He got tired of waiting then got married around 2010-2011 and had a bunch of kids.
She told him she had hoped he would have whisked her away to some island 18 years ago, and to his credit he said it wasn’t his place to break up her marriage. He said SHE had to do it, but she was too much of a coward to do it.
Not sure if I believe there were no other affairs but she is not the type to do that (he even said that to her on one of the recordings). I thought she wasnt the type for affairs, but that wasn’t true either so anything is possible. The one thing I will say is he certainly knew her much better than I ever did.
And now I know why the sex dried up as it is very coincidental with the start of the affair.
One night recently while we were talking at dinner, she told me again (after telling me many times), that she didn’t have sex with me out of respect for me as she couldn’t have sex with 2 people at the same time.
I said NO, you didn’t have sex with me as you would have seen it as cheating on him with your husband. I think I hit a nerve as she lost it, tears came out and she said it wasn’t true. However it was EXACTLY true.
On one of the last recordings before it all came out she flat out admitted to him that she knew all these years I wanted sex, but she deliberately held it from me. She also said that she could have made her life a lot better with less issues if she had sex with me, but she says she couldn’t live with herself if she did and her self-respect was more important. Her point is I would not have changed my behaviour and would have thought because she had sex with me, in my mind, everything would be perfect. I think she was correct with that assessment as I would likely not have made the changes I have made in the last year. However, it resulted in me being an emotional slave of hers. I am still in shock that she admitted this (albeit on a recording, NOT to my face).
She also said on a recording that she never loved anyone before like she loves him. When I brought this up with her, she is silent and has no comment.
At one point in March, she lost it on me as I alluded to the fact married people have sex and she said what do you want me to do, whore myself out to you? It gutted me that she saw having sex with me as whoring herself out. She told him on a recording about that conversation and said that comment really got to me and I cannot let it go (I wonder why).
She knows of couples where the wives only give sex to their husbands when they do things - ie things around the house, you get a BJ, trip, get sex etc. I think that is essentially prostitution and is disgusting - those women are no different than hookers.
However in my case, she got everything she wanted WITHOUT giving up sex. I am the stupid one for not realizing it sooner. I had blind love and faith towards her. I think deep down I always knew but I did not want to accept it and was biding my time until the youngest was 18. I also said to myself what kind of man would I be if I divorced my wife because she won’t have sex with me? That I would put my own selfish needs ahead of providing for my family and kids. That’s the number one thing that kept me trapped for so long.
I have been standing up for myself to her for the last 9 months and she kept telling me that I finally woke up and finally have a spine and a backbone, but she said not to use them on her. Thats because she had full control over me before but doesn’t anymore.
I even told her on more than one occasion she has been using me as a walking ATM.
Lately when we talk she asks me if I think we are going to make it and I said I don’t know. She is walking on eggshells around me since it came out a month ago.
I stayed cold and distant from her for the past few days and she was upset I didn’t kiss her, but we kissed last night - probably the best kiss we have had in 18 years.
She believes we can make it past this, if I am able to control my thoughts and triggers. I told her she contributed to that because she could have told me. Instead I had to find out the way I did which made it worse, as I constantly have conversations and other audio playing in my head.
I am also jaded towards women as I think if a virgin unicorn (what I thought she was) who was brought up properly with great parents and a proper father figure can do this, what chance do other women have? Is it all downhill from there?
As an aside, the George Clooney reference is an interesting one, as someone I used to work with used to call me that all the time. He said based on my appearance I was the George Clooney of the office.
With respect to using PIs to find the other wife, I dont need to. Based on the very few details I know about her (rough age, profession and natonality)I have already narrowed it down to 5-10 people from a list of 300 and can almost guess the 1 that it is.
[This message edited by Awoken at 9:35 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]