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Just got dumped

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Evertrying posted 11/24/2020 17:03 PM

GTS,

I am kinda late to the party and just read bits and pieces of your post, but the main thing that stands out for me is this:

If you truly believe your exgf cheated on you, why are you letting her take up space in your life & your head? You know what infidelity feels like and you have an exwife because of it. If she cheated, she isn't worth all of the time you are wasting on a cheater.

Sorry, but I don't have much to offer about your friend. My very best friend since we were 12 have our ups and downs and we get pissed at each other and don't speak sometimes for months. But we always end up best friends in the end.

GotTheShaft posted 11/25/2020 11:27 AM

Evertrying, thanks for your response. I didn't put together the fact that she was cheating until just a few weeks ago, so for the first 10 weeks following the breakup, I was trying to figure out what the heck happened. And not only did my best friend of 36 years abandon me, he took her side during the breakup, remained in contact with her, and said some pretty aggressive things to me via text. Based on his behavior, I initially thought HE was cheating with her, but now I don't think that was the case. I think he WANTED to get together with her, and I learned that recently he and his girlfriend briefly broke up and then got back together.

As soon as I discovered the information that leads me to believe my exGF was cheating, I no longer pined away over her. My grief switched from denial/depression/sadness to anger, as I couldn't believe she would be so shitty to do that to me after she knew what my exWW did and how badly it had affected me. It takes a pretty disgusting person to do something like that.

This issues with my friend go much farther than slightly pissing each other off. He was clearly upset about something he believed I had done, and he made it very clear that he had no interest in being my friend. He also was in constant contact with my exGF both after the breakup, and most likely in the weeks leading up to the breakup. He did something wrong, but I don't know for sure yet what that is. I'm pretty sure he thought he had a shot to date her if I was out of the picture, and I think that was his motivation. We had a conversation on Monday afternoon. It was the first conversation that we had in 3 months, and he lied to me multiple times during that conversation - and about things that I already knew the answers to. Something is still up with him, and I can't trust him any more. I'm being civil for the good of our common friends and our daughters, but he's outside of my circle of trust right now. My guess is that he made a dumb decision and it didn't work out the way he had hoped. Now that my exGF has gone public with her "relationship", I think he realizes that he never had a shot, and that he's been behaving like an ass.

blahblahblahe posted 11/25/2020 14:11 PM

Perhaps your XBF is a bit of a guy on the prowl, example why is he asking if some other woman is still dating XYZ guy?

The lack of proximity to his g/f at the bar for several hours strikes me as odd as well.

There are some people always looking for the Bigger Better Deal, they rarely find it, but they like to look.

GotTheShaft posted 11/25/2020 20:18 PM

blahblahblahe, you know I never really thought about that, but when I think back over the years, I think if he thought he had a shot at an upgrade he probably would have taken it. This is pure speculation and I have no basis to think this, but your theory struck a chord with me. I’m sure he thought he had a shot with my exGF after she broke up with me. Nothing else explains that behavior. I just don’t think she thought that way about him. I think she used him to make herself look like she wasn’t the bad person by breaking up with me. She figured if she could get him to believe her, maybe she could convince everyone else. But he had other intentions. They just didn’t pan out. His remarks about “always having my back” and “me being his first loyalty” was complete lies. He just can’t say anything else right now or he’d look like an ass. I think that’s why he was trying to lure me into a fight Monday morning. But even that backfired and he painted himself into a corner.

The only thing I know for sure right now is that he can’t be trusted the way I used to trust him. Definitely not right now. Probably not ever again.

GotTheShaft posted 11/30/2020 10:25 AM

Well, I had an eventful week in the ongoing saga.

The "best friend" did in fact call me last Monday afternoon. He gave me a bunch of platitudes and told me that "his loyalty was always with me first" even though he thinks I thought his loyalty was with someone else. Gee, why would I think that "best friend"? Maybe because he constantly put himself in the middle of the situation and berated me over texts, wouldn't answer my phone calls, was short and dismissive with me any time that I texted him, and pretty much did everything possible to show that he didn't value our friendship after I had reached out multiple times trying to extend an olive branch and repair our friendship.

I told him that in the past, I always knew that he had my back, but this time it was different. When I needed him, not only was he not there, but he acted dismissive any time I tried to reach out.

He went on to consistently lie to me throughout the conversation, which was disappointing when I asked him questions that I knew the answers to, and he still continued to lie.

He asked if we could just put this situation in the past and move forward. In my mind, I did a quick assessment of what I wanted to achieve with him. After the way he has treated me over the past 3 months, I know that our friendship will never be the same as it was over the past 36 years, because I can no longer trust him implicitly. However, I'm sure when I ran into him at the sports bar a week ago Sunday, it was super uncomfortable for the rest of our common friends who were there too. I decided that I can make peace with my "best friend" to the point where it won't be uncomfortable for our common friends in the future. And, if over time he wants to earn back my trust, maybe we can repair that friendship. I just don't see that happening any time soon. I can't talk with him about the breakup. I can't talk with him about any new women I might date. I can't talk with him about anything important right now. That's not a friendship, and especially not a 36-year best friend friendship. And, that's his loss. He placed a value on the possibility of sleeping with and dating my exGF (which I believe he wasn't successful doing) over the value of our lifelong friendship - and I'm an extremely loyal friend.

On Thanksgiving Thursday, I was unfortunately feeling nostalgic in the morning. I remembered the first Thanksgiving that I spent with my exGF at her brother and sister-in-law's house, and the sister-in-law had called me to make sure my DDs ate turkey and whatever else she was serving, or if she needed to also have any other food on hand. I just remembered how thoughtful that was of her, and how I never got to say goodbye to her, exGF's brother, or their 7yr old daughter. So, I stupidly sent her a text saying that I was remembering that time and her thoughtfulness, that I was thankful to have gotten to know them over the past few years, and that I wished them a happy thanksgiving. This had NOTHING to do with my exGF, and I don't think she took it that way. She responded immediately thanking me and wishing me and my family a Happy Thanksgiving. I then noticed on Saturday, that she, my exGF's sister, and exGF's brother-in-law have now all defriended me on Facebook. The three of them had been the last remaining members of her family that remained friends with me on FB, and had they defriended me 3 weeks earlier, I would never have found out the truth about what had happened. So, they don't know this, but I am grateful to them for that. I suppose the severing of ties needed to happen eventually, and there is no further purpose for these family members of hers to remain in my life. So, I guess it's a good thing. They defriended me, so I didn't have to do it - I think it's childish anyways.

All in all, it was a good week. I feel like I finally regained some of my power that I had lost over the past 3 months. I realized that I don't NEED my "best friend", because quite frankly, when I thought I needed him most, he wasn't there, yet I still survived. If he wants back in my life, he will need to regain my trust, and if not, then I'm fine without him. I feel pretty certain that I know the truth about what happened with exGF, and as much as it sucks that she would cheat on me, at least I know that this is all on her and nothing that I did to deserve to be treated like she did. And, I've made my peace with exGF's family by sending the text to her sister-in-law on Thanksgiving. It was probably not the smartest thing I could have done, but at the same time, there was nothing wrong with what I did, and it enabled me to sort of say goodbye.

Now, as we head into the last month of 2020, I am trying to regain control over myself so that I can head into 2021 with peace, strength, and focus. I just started reading the book "Mindset", which I hear is spectacular, and I hope that it helps me put my focus on the right things heading into the new year. I'm trying to be grateful for my DDs, the friends and family that HAVE been there for me the past 3 months, my work, and of course myself. As I look back on my relationship with exGF, I'm not sure what it was that has me so broken up over the split. We weren't married or engaged, we weren't living together, and we didn't even spend the night together that frequently because she always had her kids with her. She clearly didn't love me the same way that I loved her, or she wouldn't have treated me the way she did at the end of the relationship. As many of you have said, I'm sure I'll eventually look at this breakup as a blessing, but for some reason, it has really shaken me to my core.

GotTheShaft posted 12/2/2020 13:05 PM

I am having intense anxiety today. I had been doing pretty well for a while, but today hasn't been so good, and I have no idea why. After knowing that she cheated on me, I can't go back, even if she reached out to me, which she hasn't. But I also seem to be stuck and not able to move forward and forget about her. I'm missing her - or more accurately, I'm missing the future that I had imagined that we would have together. But that's not real. This just stinks.

blahblahblahe posted 12/2/2020 13:50 PM

But I also seem to be stuck and not able to move forward and forget about her. I'm missing her

That is a choice you are making, a prison of your own creation.

Time to make a different choice, period.

newlife03 posted 12/2/2020 14:09 PM

He placed a value on the possibility of sleeping with and dating my exGF (which I believe he wasn't successful doing) over the value of our lifelong friendship

Did he tell you this himself?

This had NOTHING to do with my exGF, and I don't think she took it that way

I disagree, I think it had lots to do with her because deep down you still have feelings for her (which is natural). And she DID take it that way because everyone unfriended you after that. They - your xGF, her family - want nothing more to do with you. It sucks and it hurts, but it's really time to let go.

I don't think even casually dating is good for you if you are finding that someone is getting serious and all you can do is see your xGF. Even though you're honest with them about casually dating and nothing serious, some women go beyond that through no fault of their own and then there's pain on her part and guilt on yours.

I didn't go back through the other posts to see if you've been in counseling at all. If not this might be the time to get some for yourself. She will not go away emotionally until you let her go, and that may take time. Therapy does wonders! And hobbies and activities! Get busy doing things for yourself and meeting people (without them getting hooked). Enjoy your life!

GotTheShaft posted 12/2/2020 14:59 PM

Thanks blahblahblahe and newlife03. I needed to receive responses today. I'm having a hard time for some reason.

Yes, blahblahblahe, you're correct. I am making the choice to stay stuck in the prison I'm creating. This has nothing to do with her. It's all in my mind, and I need to change the way I'm thinking in order to let go and move forward. She wasn't special. What was special was the persona I had erroneously projected onto her, and it wasn't real. I need to continue to move forward and realize that I'm going to have up days and down days, and that this is a process. Intellectually I get it, but emotionally I haven't caught up yet.

newlife03 - He didn't need to tell me verbally. His actions screamed it. He abandoned me and constantly supported her. You might be correct about the Thanksgiving text to the sister-in-law, though I don't think the sister-in-law took it that way initially. Yes, they all defriended me after that, but it was a couple days later and most likely because the sister-in-law told my exGF who probably asked them to do that. It's ridiculously immature though.

And, yes, newlife03, I am in counseling and have been since discovering exWW's affair back in Jan 2016. My focus in counseling had shifted from exWW's affair to how to co-parent and begin dating to how to somehow forgive exWW to how to figure out a way to blend families with recent exGF to coping with the breakup to coping with exGF's cheating and the loss of my "best friend". I agree that I'm not fully ready to date. However, I also believe that I have to move forward, and that dating casually is part of that process. I have been completely open and upfront with the women I have been seeing, and the focus has really just been on one woman because I have enough confusion in my life. I also didn't want the added depression of being alone during the holidays with the breakup fresh and the loss of my best friend also fresh. Dating helps that too. Is it fair to the woman? I don't know. I've been truthful with her, and she said that she is happy to take things as slow as I want, and that she believes I'm worth the wait. Will it work out? There's no guarantee, and it's far more likely that it won't, but why self-sabotage something where the woman is patient and understanding? I'm not intentionally hurting her. I'm trying to give it the best chance that I can, and in many ways I'm giving it more of a chance than if I were fully healed and ready to date but casually dating 3-4 women at the same time.

newlife03 posted 12/2/2020 16:26 PM

also didn't want the added depression of being alone during the holidays with the breakup fresh and the loss of my best friend also fresh. Dating helps that too. Is it fair to the woman? I don't know. I've been truthful with her,

I get it, and I don't blame you for wanting to have fun as long as everyone is on the same page with where you're at. I'm glad you're in counseling, it saved my life along with the people here on SI!

GotTheShaft posted 12/7/2020 10:28 AM

Today is another day filled with intense anxiety. I just made holiday cards and sent them to my printing company. Last year, we had added exGF in the photo for the cards. Obviously, she's not in the cards this year (no pun intended). Perhaps that is what's triggering me today?

I'm just having a really difficult time coming to grips with what has happened in my life over the past 3 months - both with the loss of the exGF and the loss of the "best friend". It's now been over 3 months since the breakup, and 1 month since the discovery of the cheating. I guess it just takes time.

I'm doing everything I possibly can to heal. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm talking with close friends about the situation, I'm working out, eating right, spending time with my DDs, hanging out with friends, reading self-help books, working on myself, riding my bike on new bike routes, boxing, and posting on here. I'm putting in the work. I'm looking inward to see what things I could have done differently in the relationship with the exGF, although I do understand that the decision to cheat was all on her.

I'm also trying to understand the actions and behaviors of my "best friend". I think he's teetering on the edge of "no longer forgiveable". I don't know for sure what he's done, but he has definitely done something that he's not proud of, and that's why he's still acting hostile towards me. I want my friend back, but I can't trust him, and I realize that our relationship will never be the same again.

I just wish I could push a "reset" button and time travel back to March and not have her reconnect with this guy from her past. I was so happy with my girlfriend and my best friend back then. Life was heading in a good direction. Now, my world has been turned upside down so abruptly. I had finally dug myself out of the setback of my exWW's affair and our divorce, and now here I am less than 5 years later going through all of this again. And this time, I don't have my best friend to lean on.

newlife03 posted 12/10/2020 09:50 AM

A reset button would be terrific for just about anything these days!

GotTheShaft posted 12/10/2020 13:03 PM

newlife03, yes I agree. I've just had a lot of adversity happen all at once in the past 3 months. I'm trying to reframe it as how this could all be a positive.

1. Losing the exGF and having her cheat on me could be viewed as God removing me from a situation that would likely be challenging for years to come (her disrespectful teenage kids). I would never have left her because I loved her, and I was loyal. I was happy in the relationship, and I thought she was too. Apparently she wasn't. If things didn't end now, they would have ended eventually and probably after we merged families, got engaged, and possibly married. As much as it hurts now, in the long run it's better to have happened now. There will be a better woman out there for me when I'm ready to fall in love again.

2. Losing the "best friend". Not really sure what happened here. At minimum, he abandoned me in a time of great need and definitely turned on me and took her side. The fact that 3 months later he's still acting like an ass and still lying to me (at least when we last spoke 2-1/2 weeks ago) tells me that he's done something worse than simply abandon me and take her side. I really think she slept with him in an effort to manipulate him. If he did sleep with her or even fool around with her, then he's dead to me. That's crossing a line that can't be repaired. If it's nothing more than abandoning me at a time of great need and instead supporting some woman I dated for 2-1/2 years, then that's still not being a good friend. Bottom line is that he didn't have my back. Would he be there if something more serious were to happen? For 36 years I would have said for sure, but now I question it.

3. Getting Covid and recovering wasn't fun, but it slowed me down when I was about to go crazy dating. Probably a good thing. Plus, I'm not immune for a few months, so that's a plus.

4. Discovering that my exGF cheated on me was hurtful, but it explained so much and ended my hope that she was just freaking out and would come to her senses and return. While it will likely give me even more pause when trusting again, it's at least easier to understand why the relationship ended, and it gave me a bit of closure.

I know this is going to take time. And it's really a double whammy this time, because it's not just the exGF cheating and dumping me, but it's also losing the "best friend" of 36 years. That on top of the infidelity that ended my marriage less than 5 years ago, and it's lots of hurt. I know I'll recover and come out stronger than before. Right now it just stinks.

twicefooled posted 12/10/2020 13:54 PM

I was pleased to see you reframing your negatives into positives. What a huge step!

I lost a close friend unexpectedly yesterday. He had a massive heart attack at the age of 48. We became friends a few years ago, both of us getting out of our bad marriages. We saw each other through crappy dates and lonely times (he was truly like a brother to me). He just recently got engaged to a wonderful woman and was supposed to meet my boyfriend this weekend :(

This week taught me that life is too short for looking back, unless it's to reflect upon a lesson. We should celebrate the good things and move forward.

newlife03 posted 12/11/2020 10:04 AM

Twicefooled said:

I was pleased to see you reframing your negatives into positives. What a huge step!

Me too! Being able to come to terms with what has gone down in the last few months is definitely a step in the right direction. Keep going!

Trapped74 posted 12/11/2020 18:58 PM

For the record, I agree with AnnieOakley and Charity, but if it helps you heal to say, definitively, that you KNOW she cheated, Godspeed and Good Luck.

Also, something to remember going forward, don't judging other people's behavior by what you would or wouldn't do. You dated (used?) other women immediately after the breakup. That's what you did. She reached out/met/whatever someone she may or may not have known for an unknowable amount of time. Maybe they just met and they hit it off. It happens. Several weeks later, you see her and him in a casual pic with her family on FB, and because YOU wouldn't have introduced your rebounds to your family, you're assuming the same for her? We all do things differently.

Edit to add: a lot of folks on here agree with the speculation that she cheated on you. This is an infidelity site. As the old saying goes, when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Also consider these folks genuinely want you to be able to move on with your life and will agree to anything that might facilitate that.

[This message edited by Trapped74 at 7:18 PM, December 11th (Friday)]

blahblahblahe posted 12/11/2020 20:10 PM

@trapped

You have an awful lot of YOUR baggage that you just dragged into someone's thread.

I'm trying to find anything useful in your posting other than clumsy (and amusing) backhanded comments.


GotTheShaft posted 12/12/2020 16:05 PM

blahblahblahe thanks for coming to my defense.

Trapped, if you read my thread, I didn’t want to believe that there was any infidelity at first. But when I discovered the information, all of the puzzle pieces fit together. Do I have a smoking gun? Nope. But I have a lot of information pointing to the narrative that I believe happened. This guy was liking her Facebook posts the day after she and I broke up, so they knew each other from before. I also discovered that his ex-wife filed for divorce in March of this year. Right about the time my exGF started acting weird. And his divorce was final 9 days before my exGF broke up with me. Your “they just met” theory doesn’t fit. This was cheating, and she didn’t want to leave me until she knew for sure she had a safe landing spot (i.e. monkey branching). There are so many things that didn’t make sense to me at the time that she blamed on how Covid affected her situation. It was all lies. Now it makes total sense.

The only thing that I haven’t completely figured out is my “best friend’s” role. Again, at minimum, he alienated me in a great time of need, and he definitely supported my exGF. That alone should be enough to move on from him. But I’m curious to know why he did that. The only thing that explains his behavior is that either he wanted to sleep with her, or he was successful. The fact that 3 months later he’s still sending me angry texts and avoiding me when I ended up at the same table with him a few weeks ago, tells me he did more than just “want to sleep with her”. Not sure how much more, but I have to assume the worst since he’s still telling lies and deflecting/avoiding me.

josiep posted 12/20/2020 18:53 PM

Gottheshaft, you've gone through a trauma and are still reeling. It's a rough year for everyone and so each new loss just makes everything harder and sadder and more difficult.

This has left a huge black hole in your life, your romantic life, your circle of friends, your daughters, and on and on. And it's all continuing to ripple. You've gotta fill that space with something positive. Get a new hobby, start a class, join a club, something, anything. The pain will subside with time and you can't speed it up. But you can quit giving it all your attention.

I think a lot of the pain comes from the realization that we aren't as good at seeing what's in front of our eyes as we thought we were. You were married to a cheater, you fell in with another cheater and your best friend turned out to be a turd. It hurts to figure out that you weren't as smart and suave as you thought you were. BUT, it's also a chance for you to come to the realization that you're one of the good guys in this world. And that's a very good thing.

GotTheShaft posted 12/21/2020 09:13 AM

josiep, thank you so much for your comment. You're right on the money! This has been really hard on me, and I think it's because of everything you stated. I'm doing better(ish). I have moments when I feel good, and then I have moments when I miss my exGF and my ex-best friend. It's a lot of loss all at once.

I have been doing new things. In November, I identified 10 bike paths in my city, and I've been working on riding each of them by the end of the year. So far I've hit 5 of them. I plan to hit 2 more this coming weekend, and then I get my daughters back on Sunday. If I can hit 1-2 with them, I will be up to 8 or 9 out of the 10. It helps, but it doesn't wipe away the hurt completely.

I've also been dating a bit. I've been dating one woman since early November, but she seems to be getting too attached, and I'm not ready to be attached. We have talked about my situation and how I need to take things slowly, but she's more into me than I am her. I don't want to jump into a full blown relationship with anyone right now. I have been on a couple lunch dates with another woman, and I'm intrigued by her, but I don't think she's a long-term fit either, and that's OK.

When I'm riding my bike, or working out, or out on dates, I don't think about my exGF or "best friend" as much, but first thing every morning, the memories return, and I miss them both.

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