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Quick advice needed, please!

Wiserallthetime posted 8/14/2020 23:34 PM

Xwh and mow are getting M'd and soon. D was bad, very bad - xwh/mow kept trying to get me jailed, though I had done nothing wrong - that bad and more. I want nothing to do with their coupling up at all, especially with anything that might imply an approval of any kind, and it is only partly due to the A. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, right? But, of course, it is my life, so there is an issue.... sigh.

Youngest child is very good with photography. So, guess what xwh has done? Yup, asked the child to take pictures of xwh and mow. Youngest is not at all happy the two are getting M'd, but is learning to accept that which child can't change - and views this as a money-making opportunity, knowing xwh will pay an outrageous amount for it. (He likes to throw his money around....)
Here's the rub: youngest doesn't drive. And, doesn't have others to do that driving except me or xwh and mow. Youngest doesn't want to ride with them as youngest knows they aren't to be trusted when it comes to taking precautions with COVID, among other reasons. (I do support youngest here; xwh is known for lying about his health or trying to get the child to come see him even when he is sick.) So, now, youngest is expecting me to do the driving for this pictures thing -- and, I may end up having to pick youngest up from the wedding, too, as youngest isn't planning to stay for the reception, but, again, doesn't have a ride.

For what it is worth, the child has already indicated knowing it is at least awkward to have me do the driving for these pictures, but really only in the sense of me needing to be able to be somewhere else - in other words, the picture location needs to be where I have another place to go nearby for the duration. Child hasn't realized the whole thing is an issue.

So, how do you handle this? I feel as if between a rock and a hard place.... I really kind of want to say "ride with them or don't take the pictures", but that doesn't solve the ride back from the wedding part. (And, I still have no idea how the kids are expected to get to and from that, either; I highly doubt xwh and/or mow will be bringing them home, at least, and there is no one in either of their families that I would trust to drive them, especially after a reception where there will no doubt be drinking involved.)

So, advice? TIA!

Lifeexploded posted 8/14/2020 23:43 PM

Honestly, I'm really tired and didn't fully read that.

Always do anything you can to make your child most comfortable in any situation and be the bigger person. I hope that answers your question.

nekonamida posted 8/15/2020 01:12 AM

Do you know where the venues are? Could you potentially pick and drop child off at a neutral location nearby?

BearlyBreathing posted 8/15/2020 01:29 AM

Is there a family friend or relative that can help?

The1stWife posted 8/15/2020 03:28 AM

Support your child’s choice. Drive and pick up.

Game over. Move forward.

Chrysalis123 posted 8/15/2020 07:10 AM

Uber? Hire a private car service. Use a friend or relative.

I completely understand as the WS tried to get me jailed as well. I would feel exactly the same and would want nothing to do with being close to the wedding venue.

You are still supporting your child while keeping yourself physically and emotionally safe.

NO NO NO NO ----

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:38 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Okokok posted 8/15/2020 09:43 AM

Agreeing with everyone. If having a friend or relative do this is not an option that works (and it *really* needs to work for the kid), then this is something you should do yourself, as hard as it is.

Lifeexploded and The1stWife are right, in my opinion.

Remember that this is going to be an emotionally taxing day for your kid as well...honestly, I'd opt to be there for them with the ride. I think it's better you than someone else.

Hold it together, be the bigger person, and then when the day is done you can let it all out, come back here and vent, etc.

AnnieOakley posted 8/15/2020 11:49 AM

I was going to suggest Uber as well. Or maybe if the venue is too far for an expensive ride like that... drive your child, then arrange for the uber the last few miles to drop off and bring them back to you and then drive home.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/15/2020 12:36 PM

Random thoughts:

The bad thing is, she’s probably going to have to stay til the end for the going away-rice throwing deal.

This might be really hard on her (being at the event) and she may not realize it til the week leading up to it.

Xh wants her there to show her family he’s a great guy and his DD wanted, begged, to photo the day.

If there’s no contract, he may make her beg to get paid (control issue). And he will find something wrong with a picture, and will remind her of it forever. Or she can make him pay up front now!!!!!!!!!! If he won’t do it (standard request in the photo business) then no deal.

Since she really doesn’t want to do it, I’d teach her that sometimes $$ isn’t worth it to lose your tranquility. I’d be willing to pay her something that day to photo your family on a small trip.

Can you take your kids somewhere fun that weekend?


If she’s gonna do it anyway, I would take/pickup and support her., or if you have a friend who could drive both of you. (And I totally get the drama- xh took me back to court and OW has been involved in a murder.)

Wiserallthetime posted 8/16/2020 23:18 PM

I had typed up a long response, only to have my computer suddenly shut down and lose it all. Ugh. So, I am going to try to redo it in a short version.

1 - Child is nearly an adult, not a youngster, but doesn't yet drive. (This may be the proof to the kid, finally, that life can be easier if they will learn to drive.) Our kids have to learn to navigate this stuff on their own now, including telling dear old dad who they will and won't ride with that he proposes to drive them, regardless of the event involved.
2 - Pictures and wedding are two separate events (I assume a pro is doing the wedding ones), and pictures aren't "engagement" ones, as those should have been done last year. Thus, these are not time or event sensitive.
3 - I have no info on the wedding past that which xwh has shared with the kids that has gotten to me; they don't even remember which day of the weekend it is and don't know the venue location. Further, it seems xwh has not mentioned a rehearsal to them, though they should be at it, and time is running short. (Not my responsibility to remind xwh he needs to communicate such to the kids either.)
4 - Mow tried using a false accusation of stalking as a way to get me arrested and went to the extent of fabricating "evidence" in the form of a large document, meaning was willing to put a lot of time and effort into said attempt. Thankfully, it failed. I wouldn't put it past her to try again. Were I to go near the event that day, though I remain in my car, should anything go "wrong" with the event, I would fully expect to be blamed....

I was not able to view your advice prior to the child bringing up the issue again - this time mentioning feeling "funny" (as in, it being awkward) having me drive for the pictures. I was then able to be open and honest with the child about not feeling comfortable having anything to do with xwh and mow "coupling". I further added that the same went for the wedding, noting it is xwh's wedding AND his weekend (parenting time), and, thus, his responsibility to see to it his kids have a way to get there and back, if he wants them able to attend. I said if there was an actual emergency situation, I would be there for the kids, but regular old transportation arrangements in this case are for xwh to handle. The child seemed to understand and even agree.

Honestly, I think xwh has simply forgotten he needs to arrange transportation for the kids, as he always has relied upon me to be available and willing to handle that in the past; for this event, though, I think it is a bit outrageous to assume that. Besides, as I would not be attending this even if invited, it has always been his responsibility to make the arrangements and not mine. (Similarly, when I took the kids on vacation together and they were starting/ending the trip in different locations, it was my responsibility to arrange things, not xwh's.) As to mow, she likely has deliberately ignored this item, as the drama of xwh's kids maybe not being able to attend the wedding plays into her MO of playing the damsel in distress to his KISA and her vilifying me perfectly, never mind it is unnecessary. (Plus, then she can match up with the drama around her ex's wedding where her kids were not able to be a part of things, also likely due to mow's choices, but for which she vilified her ex.)

Will all this create a problem for the pictures to be done, at least for now? Maybe, but I fail to see this as my problem. Is it a complication for xwh for the wedding? Yes, but that one is definitely not my problem - that was always going to be a complication for him for the wedding, and it is his fault entirely he has forgotten. (Perhaps now youngest has pointed out the problem to xwh so he can address it; maybe I just saved the day, in truth....not that I expect xwh/mow to view it that way.)

As an aside, I am surprised the event is even being held, given the virus situation as cases are high where we are. I am also surprised youngest, who has been anxious about the virus, is still planning to go, given it does not appear to be a small, intimate event....which brings me back to not understanding how this is even being held at present time. I can only pray there is enough distancing that my kids do not get sick, even if someone with the virus is present.

So, I did not see your advice first and did the exact opposite of what most of you stated. I don't know if that means I blew it, or maybe, for us, this is exactly what needed to be done. Time will tell. I do appreciate all who responded, though!

BeeBee64 posted 8/17/2020 06:35 AM

I was about to give different advice, so no, you did not do the "wrong" thing.

I also don't like the health risk. The child would be bringing home anything she catches at this, apparently, outside-the-rules event. So, this affects you directly.

hcsv posted 8/17/2020 07:46 AM

What a terrible spot to put you in.

While my first thought is not your problem, let him figure out transportation, I would worry that someone who was drinking would be the one to drive them home. So, in a way that does make it your concern.

Let us know how this plays out.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/17/2020 16:26 PM

Have your childs friend drive them. Your child can pay the friend a fee for driving.

Wiserallthetime posted 8/17/2020 16:46 PM

A small update:

Child has given indication of really not wanting to go to the wedding, much less be in it (hates that the two are even together, and more that they are M'ing), but being afraid of the consequences if not. Child is afraid of what hell there would be to pay from xwh/mow for not being there. This is where all our kids are, I now know..... Sigh.
I can't help the child get out of it - no way to discuss with xwh, as that would just be an uproar toward me then, with ignoring/denying the truth I would be trying to share; and, child doesn't want me trying to provide child options on what to do to get out of it either, mostly as child sees it as xwh would just blow up and create drama/issues and never hear how it is a problem for the child, only how the child bowing out creates a problem for him - child is not wrong.

Given the photos are "couple" photos and probably involve some lovey-dovey stuff, I am thinking the child may not have wanted, truly, to do those either. (Couldn't really be healthy for the kid anyway.) So, my move may have provided the child with an out for those, at least; we shall see.

Sigh.... This would be easier if the kids would tell xwh the raw truth of how they aren't happy with his decisions here and don't support it, instead of tiptoe around it and give subtle hints with their choices of keeping distance, and at least then xwh would have reality smack him in the face, even if he doesn't like it or chooses to continue on with his delusions that all is hunky-dory. I know, though, it would be fireworks, with the kids taking the brunt of it (xwh has a way of turning it around so you are apologizing for calling him out on his bad acts); however, I am afraid that it eventually will be anyway, and it is all just being kicked down the road of time.

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