SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mrhealed makes a great point in theory, and no disrespect to you Mrhealed. I have read, as have all of us, much of your advice and it’s been very resounding and spot on....but...

Lie detectors are simple machines. They detect yes/no on/off black/white bits/bytes type questions. They won’t give a trusted answer on that type of question. That is an emotion question, it won’t work or will give false positives/negatives.

She has lied to you for well over 2 years. More towards 3 or more. She is not going to start telling you the truth now or will spin what truth she is telling. Especially regarding that particular question. You have to look at what you know of her words and actions during the affair, and they say she was out.

F man I hate saying that, but it’s just seems so true.

Also, screwed 25 times in two years....cmon man! My wife and I do that in a month and she wants more then that some times. Two years, no way.

She acted that way because she truly believed that she was riding off into the sunset with her rich BF and leaving AHG behind. She had no concern for him because she never intended to stay. She didn't break it off with the OM. She was found out. She called him to try to get him to make good on all of the pillow talk he had been floating her and she found out what he truly thought of her and the Affair. She was a "cheap ass".

This is not that complicated. She fully intended to leave this marriage for the OM and he fooled her. Now she is scrambling.

She called him to try to get him to make good on all of the pillow talk he had been floating her and she found out what he truly thought of her and the Affair. She was a "cheap ass".

I don't think you're recalling that event accurately. She called him after she found out there were others. He had been trying to contact her for some time and she had been refusing his calls. AHGuy could hear him trying to sweet-talk her into continuing, but she was refusing. So, he got mad and started in on her referring to her as "cheap ass". While this was definitely broken NC, I suspect the chief motivator was not only to tell him that it was it over, but that she had found out about the other women.

I've read a lot of your story, only missing the last 10 or so pages. There're a couple of things that I don't think have been mentioned regarding how you're feeling.

Your WW stole your "personal agency." That's when people lie to us so that we don't have enough information to make informed decisions. She has tried, over and over, to keep your agency from you. This is very unsettling to us humans. Sort of like the Jim Carey movie, "The Truman Show."

Your WW broke your "personal narrative." This narrative is our story of our life. It grounds us, it provides a firm foundation upon which we tell ourselves, "I am. And here's how I got here." But, with the lies and the betrayals she caused _your_ reality to diverge from the real _reality_. So when DDay happened, suddenly you didn't have that grounding any longer. This, too, is very upsetting to us humans.

So now you're feeling confused and unsettled, you don't have the whole story even yet, and she's offering a hand to a drowning man (you). Be careful of that hand. If you grasp it to get back to some solid footing that hand will disappear _again_, like smoke in the wind. Like your personal agency. Like your personal narrative.

Good luck on your journey, AHGuy. I do wish you the very best.

[This message edited by devotedman at 6:36 PM, September 9th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

this WW actions during the affair were average.

2 years and sex only 25 times hard to believe. flowers every

week, paid for personal trainer, lots of gifts, expensive meals,

texts everyday. an OM does not do all that to just get laid once

a month. i would think that it averaged out to sex once a week

or 102 times for those 2 years.

i would ask WW if sex 25 only was PIV. ask WW if the 25

excluded the times that they just kissed, made out, petted,

oral without PIV excluded from her total number of times that

they had sex.

polygraph is needed as part of processing this affair.

as stated this WW affair was average. even the length of the

PA was average. most affairs on average end after 2 years.

this WW is above average in her ability to clear the fog from

her head, realize what a POS the OM is. and more important

she has shown a huge effort to quickly learn what has to be

done after a PA ends. And she is attempting to apply what

she is learning. She is doing the heavy lifting.

rash decisions can lead to cutting off one's nose to spite their

own face.

AH,

You know what else is hard to digest? 90 plus pages of responses that are dissecting ever word that's posted, dozens upon dozens people's personal opinions, and posts of encouragement.

So I'll pile my opinion on top of the others: take the time you feel you need to get your head around this. I can make plenty of arguments to reconcile to counter the arguments to divorce. You are nearing the end of the discovery phase. You will move on to the recovery phase next, and you can do it more than one way. Just don't be afraid to do it for yourself. You know what relationship you had through the years....good and bad. The future is unknown. I'll disagree with having to act fast. The legal aspect is currently addressed, so the rest is personal. It's hard to unpack decades of emotions in a very short time, and in your case, you don't need to do so if you choose not to.

So, keep posting, keep reading, and keep digesting. You are doing as well as can be expected.

2 years and sex only 25 times hard to believe

Not necessarily. Two comments from AHGuy's earlier post point to some performance issues, if not outright ED.

...he told her some stories about his earlier struggle to perform when he was young and how he felt embarrassed by it.

{snip}

She said that he used enhancing drugs....

Also, the WW reports that most of the encounters happened out of state, which is probably a fair amount of travel, meaning additional time lost. Both participants were married with jobs which allowed them to slip away, but there's still the aspect of not getting caught. If they were going out of state, losing all those hours on a weekly basis, chances are they'd have been caught much earlier.

3 stars in her tattoo represent her 3 kids, tulip represent her

This might be insensitive but I know people also get tattoos symbolic of their kids only. In normal people this does not represent an insult to the partner but in this case she might have been erasing AHG out of her life.

Also the problem is not once or 25 times (my count was 39) but an affair over two years and other intimate acts like sending flowers, kissing of tattoo and him taking over the role of her protector. No matter what she claims now in her mind then she was on her way out of her married life.

Had he not been exposed as a serial cheater she might have continued to feel special and he must have convinced her about his heartless wife (has she considered apologising to her?).

I will say this, I think she is waking up and realising the destruction she has caused, but you have got to do what feels right for you. After two years this is all about you. Not her, or the house or the business or anything else but about how you regain your life and respect back.

Well that was a very hard session to go through.

First off the staying the night I believe she wanted some HB, to get back on the good side.

Her body her choice, but that tattoo, got to get that thing removed, if R is on the table. Every time you see it is is a trigger.

Yes IC is a must and well done for the MC with the pastor. He does need to control WW, which he did.

However; his comment if MC a few years ago had happened, well: wodda, shoulda, coulda. Just a filler

I will not try and read between the lines of the MC session or any conversation afterwards. But I will say from my perspective she does seem to have hit rock bottom. And wants to be with you.

Honesty and communication no matter what way you go. But well done.

One day at a time.

I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for your hugs and support. I might need time to respond to you. As of right now I have this weird feeling that nothing seems to affect my feelings any more. I’m not even angry at her anymore, I don’t want her anymore and don’t reject her either. She called the 2 closest people to me that are not living with me, my daughter and my brother, and told them about the timeline and ask them to check on me. I just avoided both of them.

I don't know if anyone will agree with me, but send the timeline to the OBS as well. She may be interested in her WH activities with your WW.

Thanks William for the reminder, I almost forgot. I will let her know for sure, I owe her that. Don’t feel like talking to her right now though so it will done tomorrow.

chamomile tea, OM had other APs as well. i guess it is some

of my own paranoia makes believing only 25 times is too low.

though i am willing to say my 102 time high number maybe

too high i still think that her 25 only includes just the times

they had PIV. all other physical, sexual contacts were left out

of that 25 time total. this is why i think a polygraph test is

needed.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 8:11 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

To the fellow SI posters, I don’t see how arguing with the exact number would be helpful here.

AH, did you make your WW read the timeline?

You are in shock AH. I was that way too for several days after I learned about the full extent of my WW's affairs. It was like I was watching everything through a camera lens. I felt disconnected.

It will pass. Very soon will come fury. Don't fight it, just let it process through you.

i did not feel attacked by chamomiletea.

i was not arguing with chamomiletea, rather i was discussing

the topic with her and i being calm.

i did not see the need for your post. this is the last time i will

address your that post SH, ciao.

As I read it she had sex 25+10+2+2=39 times. She performed oral on him and he to her giving her an orgasm every time. This question is just for you, not to be answered. Did she sw***? They didn't do it fully, oh she just orally stimulated him. "do it right way" oh orally first then f***. You know worm enough to take her clothes off. "Tattoo has nothing to do with the A" the tattoo didn't start out as part of the A, but it became a pivotal part. I see why she wants to have it removed. When she looks at it she see his lips on it moving to her "flower". Now when you see it you know too. She didn't think of you while she gave her self to him now she wants you to think of her first. I triggered really bad at the site of my wifes lasting visual reminder. Evenn if she has the tattoo removed there will always be a little reminder there for you , and her. I see why you think you should have just D right off the bat. This is a lot to digest. Take your time and require her to stay to the agreement (her there only by permission) so you can fully digest this new mind melt. Stay strong! I support you! You don't have to make a decision right now.

Tattoo has nothing to do with the A

Maybe not at the beginning of the A, or when she first got the tattoo, but it sure as fuck became part of the A.

he complimented her tattoo and kissed it. He also made it a routine to kiss her tattoo every time they did it.

She claims this is a trigger for her? What about you?

That ‘s why it is a bad trigger for her.

Really? All about her......

3 stars in her tattoo represent her 3 kids, tulip represent her, so I was excluded from it she offered to add my initial to it I said “Fuck no

Tell her to get APs initial in it!

Hey AH

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you figure out what is best for YOU and YOU only. Strength to you brother.

I can believe that they only had sex the amount she said. For all the reasons already covered by a bunch of really sharp insightful people. This site is a great place to look at all angles of a situation. (Had to get that out there). This POSOM had time and money. It was probably not all about the sex for him either. I have a friend who came into BIG money. He runs in high society circles. He told me one time that people with money get bored with regular things to keep them occupied. They like power trips. How can they exert power is a hobby for some of these people. Some like political. Others business. Some have sexual power trips. If you look at all the things that have transpired. The heater (to show power over you AH), The flowers (to show all the office people he had power over her), the trainer to protect her (Again to show her his power). Having her be what amounts to his sex slave. And the power over Jenny’s free rent situation paid out in cheap ass Was all about power to him. With more than one side chick out there to project more power onto and take away WW turns in the cabin I can see only 40 times In 2 years. I think this is more the MO of this particular shit stain of a human.

I think he is devastated enough and there is no added value here.

Take your time OP and get your head together.

AHG,

Does it really matter if she had sex 10 times, 25 times, 99 times, or 999 times? PIV, oral, anal, dates, gifts, tattoos, etc etc? Bottom line...she willing and enthusiastically had sex with another man, for years. Was in love with another man, for years. She told her lover about the trainer, not you. Why? Because you did not matter to her. Now that she has no other option, you suddenly matter. You suddenly, and quite conveniently, mean to world to her. You are all that matters now. It is just all so predictable.

The pastor says there is a 0% chance of her cheating again. Then spouts of stats that make it seems like your wife is less of a risky bet.

First that is not true. Second the purpose of this was to paint you wife in a better light, to get you to R. The pastor's agenda is to save the marriage. Which is to be expected. It is basically in his job description. Remember that.

So your wife took her life car, and drove fast, had fun. And then smashed it into a tree. Now....you are supposed to believe...that with lots and lots of structural, interior, and body work...this will now be the best car you, or any other man, could ever hope to have. The best of the best.

Nope.

No matter how good the repair, it cannot compare to a new, never smashed model. Why buy a refurb, when new models are available? Models that stay on the road?

When given the choice, most men are not going to take a chance on a confirmed cheater. Maybe for some fun, but not for commitment.

IMO YOUR agenda should be to do what is best for YOU. Not your cheating wife, not the marriage she destroyed. YOU.

Keep in mind. Plenty of good women out there who are not cheaters. They are loyal, and loving. And a guy like you....good business man, honest, hard working, is just the kind of guy these higher quality ladies would love to be with.

It will pass. Very soon will come fury.

Yes it will. So try and channel it into productive actions. More like the nuclear reactor that powers a submarine, rather than a bomb.

Make sure you are getting sleep, water, and some exercise. Chin up. You are doing quite well.

Hi AH,

Did you want her to share the timeline with your daughter and brother?

Are you saying that she told them she created the timeline, or that she actually shared the detail of the timeline?