What is keeping you stuck, TheThunderRolls?
For me it was primarily that I had talked myself into a narrative of fear about what would happen to my children. Ultimately I realized that I've been a zombie the past three years and I'll be a better dad half the time than a semi-checked out dad all the time.
I also realized that I was settling (I think this is true most of the time after a devastating D-Day) and had not been honest with myself about it.
With the heart scare and the lockdowns, I put things on hold. But this summer I really began reflecting again and realized that I just wasn't with someone who had true remorse about this.
I'm not saying I hate her or loathe her, just that she doesn't have it in her. If she had what it takes it wouldn't have taken me three years to get a written timeline, STD test and failed polygraph from her.
The circumstances of her affair were quite toxic and compound in nature (gaslighting, separating from me, sex in the home, sex after confrontation, double betrayal, involving our children etc) but then that was ramified with three years of blameshifting, "fog," DARVO, foot dragging, minimization, etc.
It took me awhile to realize that she just wasn't willing to do the heavy lifting required for a true reconciliation (which I now believe is a truly rare event in any case).
To be clear, I don't regret staying. I probably would have been better off all things considered if I'd walked away right after D-Day but I'm not sure my kids would have been better off. That's just part of the shit sandwich. I came to a place where my disgust with trying to choke down the shit sandwich outweighed my fear.
If you're saying you'll be where I am a year from now, then you're already laying down "predictive programming" in your brain and you're already there!
So what is holding you back? Most of the time it is fear. [quote/]
Thumos, you are much in the same place as me, but you have been able to let go of the hate.
I wish I could. I am starting to. But I have a ways to go.
I did realize that my WW was not the person that could "do the heavy lifting" quite a while ago. But I just couldn't pull the trigger, d/t fear about the kid and my own codependency.
I salute you for making the right choice before you had to experience another dday.
I know I'll never lie down on those particular train tracks again myself. At least I can say I tried.
[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 7:09 PM, August 5th, 2020 (Wednesday)]