The little head thinking for the big head and all that. Just saying.
A possible way of analyzing (very rough/approximate time frames):
July 2016-July 2017: She has an A and engages in a pretty brutal campaign of insults, marriage re-writing, gaslighting, belittling, humiliating. Playing house with another man, in your home, in the presence of your children, to the point where your daughter concludes something is going on. About as bad as bad gets.
July 2017-July 2019: She pushes an aggressive program of rug-sweeping and denial (with your complicity), which includes refusing to disclose any information about the A except that which you discovered via your own investigation. She destroys most of the recorded evidence. She behaves as a "good wife" and treats you well, except when it comes to issues of the A, which are off limits for discussion. If/when it does come up, DARVO. You're pretty sure she has lied to you about the A.
By the way, I don't think we've discussed your view of what changed in her over that year. What led her to go into the "my marriage is a living Hell that I will escape via playing house with another man" to "I'll be a pleasing and uplifting wife to Thumos"? Has that ever been explained by her?
July 2019-July 2020: You come here feeling stuck in the plain of lethal flatness and gradually come to realize that the initial rug-sweeping has left you with the frayed, still-sparking loose end of the A flailing around in your gut. You drag her kicking and screaming through a protracted, agonizing process of disclosure theater, but conclude, based in part on the poly and in part on the inconsistencies between her story and the surrounding circumstances, that she is continuing to lie about the extent of the A.
There are periods of sexual difficulty, an artifact of the injury she inflicted via the A.
July 2020 - present: You tell her you want a D. She steps up the sex even more, and the "good wife" stuff even more. However, when the A comes up, you still get DARVO.
Back to one of the earliest points I made in one of your earliest threads. What you've been getting this past year, or some version of it, is what you're going to get. A wife who will put in some degree of effort to be a Stepford Wife for you going forward, but will always and forever DARVO about the A. My own feeling is that she steps up the Stepford Wife thing as the threat of you leaving increases; logic dictates that will diminish if/when she ever feels confident you won't leave.
There is a duality concept. The same person, capable of such cruelty and betrayal at one time, and then love-bombing you at others. Here on SI we read that healing from an A involves, among other things, the WW engaging in IC to figure out what was broken in her to enable her to make the string of decisions and choices leading to the A. Fixing herself. Making herself into somebody different than she was before. Somebody who would not make the same choices, even if the circumstances were the same. I don't recall reading that your WW has done this. It leaves you with this odd paradox in terms of understanding who your wife is as a person. It's like she wants to deny that there is a part of her capable of and willing to make the decisions and choices to engage in an A, despite clear evidence to the contrary.
So, the question to ask yourself is where you want to be in 10 years. Some average of what you've had between July of 2017 and now is probably your future with her. I'm not suggesting that's necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it works for you. All I'm saying is: make an honest assessment of the marriage you're in right now. When you look at yourself in the mirror in 10 years, what Thumos do you want staring back at you?
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:45 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]