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Moving over here

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Thumos posted 8/4/2020 16:25 PM

I've been in the Reconcilation forum for the last year and now I'm moving over here. More of my story is here:


I told my WW I want a divorce last night, so I'm trying to think about the best tangible steps I need to take now. The die is cast, as they say.

I know not everyone would lead with telling WW "I want a divorce" but it's how I've done it. I want an amicable mediated settlement, if possible, and right now that looks like a strong possibility. I want a 50/50 split on our youngest child (our older child is now an adult and is 18) so we can be good co-parents. I also want to walk away without having to pay alimony. Just a clean split of assets down the middle.

I realize I will probably not get everything I want. I also realize things could turn nasty if my WW develops a sense of injustice or decides to violate my trust again by preemptively filing or whatever. I have no intention of doing that to her and my greatest hope is simply to work on this together.

Where are good checklists, things I need to be thinking about aside from the usual "go see an atty" which yes, I will be doing.

EllieKMAS posted 8/4/2020 16:43 PM

Oh Thumos... this is big news for you. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but my fingers are crossed for you that this process goes as smoothly as it can.

How are you doing mentally/emotionally?

crazyblindsided posted 8/4/2020 17:27 PM

Welcome to this side of the forum! Hope you are able to mediate and get through this somewhat quickly. An amicable settlement sounds fantastic and I hope she doesn't drag her feet or try to lovebomb you like my STBX is trying. I am hoping to go the mediated route as well but so far my STBX has been making this VERY difficult.

Thumos posted 8/4/2020 17:50 PM

How are you doing mentally/emotionally?

Good. Surprisingly good. Relieved. Lighter. Maybe a little guilty I'm feeling so good?

But I'm just at the start of this, so we'll see how I'm feeling six mos from now. Having never been divorced and married most of my adult life, I really have no idea what to expect during the divorce process or after.

I sense that I'm going to be fine. most of my fears about whatever this represents aren't gone, but they have dramatically diminished.

EllieKMAS posted 8/4/2020 17:53 PM

I was in agony while making the decision. Once it was made, I felt relieved too. That's pretty normal.

And I have to say that being single So far is pretty fuckin sweet. Took some adjustment for sure, but it is not all bad.

I'm sorry that it came down to this but happy for you that you've made a decision and are ready to move forward Thumos!

Ccjeter posted 8/4/2020 18:47 PM

I have been married for 10 years together for 12. We are currently separated and I'm happier because I no longer need to worry about being cheated on by him. He was abusive, a liar and had a child with his AP. It crushed me and I started questioning myself but I know it's not me it's him and I can walk away with my head held high. Does it get better?

Okokok posted 8/4/2020 19:06 PM

Good for you. I have a son the same age as yours. I honestly think you're doing right by him here (and yourself).

Things to do other than seeing a lawyer, if you haven't already:

- Open a credit card or two in your name only, just in case

- Get some books or do other reading on coparenting and single parenting

- I know you've been here a while, but read up on the 180 again. You're in a different spot than a newly-betrayed spouse, but many 180 principles are for you right now.

- Start dreaming about your future, especially as it pertains to you and your kid. There is so much good coming for both of you.

blahblahblahe posted 8/4/2020 19:37 PM

I hope you had been taking the time to proactively control the situation.

I must admit seeing the attorney and accountants long beforehand and planning the outcome would/may have had some additional benefits. For example, today I see it as somewhat petty, but at the time I did enjoy watching the surprise for the tax liabilities she incurred through my actions.

Never trust them when anything of value is involved.

I'm curious though, did she know it was coming? Reaction? I ask because I never gave my XW any idea of my knowledge nor the endgame and I've always wondered about the differences.

phmh posted 8/4/2020 19:45 PM

Congratulations - I've read some of your threads and I know you'll be so much happier in the future by taking this step! You mentioned some fears - check out the fear vs. reality sticky at the top of the forum - all of us had fears, and as far as I can recall, all of us found our new lives surpassing anything we could have imagined. You've got this!!!

nekonamida posted 8/5/2020 01:14 AM

Thumos, I think you have a great plan. She seems likely to be reasonable about this. Hopefully she stays amicable moving forward.

The1stWife posted 8/5/2020 06:35 AM

Meet with a mediator. They will give you the details on how to do this amicably.

Sorry it came to this. Tough decision for you.

SlapNutsABingo posted 8/5/2020 10:54 AM

Couple of good books Thumos...

Getting Past Your Breakup by Elliott

It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken
by Behrendt

This one is full of 2X4's, be warned.

Wishing you everything.....

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 10:55 AM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Neanderthal posted 8/5/2020 10:58 AM

I don't know how complicated your finances or assets are. But Divorce doesn't have to be expensive if you can both work together. I know that's easier said than done.

For less than $500 our divorce papers were filed, and we will never have to step into a court house.
Assets involved for us were: 401k, a house with equity, vehicles, personal property, etc

Fortunately we agreed on visitation and child support is based on a calculation of income and nights stayed with each parent.

I am really sorry you have gone through all this. I also felt the same relief once I made the decision. It wasn't planned, and it just happened, but I didn't back down. I wasn't happy, but I could breath and stop obsessing as much. It allowed me to almost immediately focus on my healing. Something I just couldn't bring myself to do before hand.

JanaGreen posted 8/5/2020 11:24 AM

Good luck. I hope she is calm and reasonable moving forward.

The more you can agree on without lawyer back and forth the better.

I was told that in my state at least, the push is to do 50/50 custody. So that hopefully won't be an issue.

My lawyer asked me at our first appointment if there were any bank accounts open other than the primary joint one we used. I told her we had previously had a Bank of America account but he closed it. She urged me to double check . . . guess what? Few thousand dollars in there. He claimed he forgot, but we still had a car payment drafting out of it - I think he was waiting for the car to be paid off and was going to pocket it. I tried to be as cooperative as possible but take care and be sure to double check and verify everything.

TheThunderRolls posted 8/5/2020 18:09 PM


Iíve been reading your thread for awhile now & you have made quite the journey. I can relate to your story a lot & the feelings that you described, I also feel. Iím at the point Iím stuck where you were & my gut tells me Iíll be posting in here less than a year from now.

Anyway, I just wanted to say congratulations for doing whatís best for you & your happiness.

Thumos posted 8/5/2020 18:16 PM

What is keeping you stuck, TheThunderRolls?

For me it was primarily that I had talked myself into a narrative of fear about what would happen to my children. Ultimately I realized that I've been a zombie the past three years and I'll be a better dad half the time than a semi-checked out dad all the time.

I also realized that I was settling (I think this is true most of the time after a devastating D-Day) and had not been honest with myself about it.

With the heart scare and the lockdowns, I put things on hold. But this summer I really began reflecting again and realized that I just wasn't with someone who had true remorse about this.

I'm not saying I hate her or loathe her, just that she doesn't have it in her. If she had what it takes it wouldn't have taken me three years to get a written timeline, STD test and failed polygraph from her.

The circumstances of her affair were quite toxic and compound in nature (gaslighting, separating from me, sex in the home, sex after confrontation, double betrayal, involving our children etc) but then that was ramified with three years of blameshifting, "fog," DARVO, foot dragging, minimization, etc.

It took me awhile to realize that she just wasn't willing to do the heavy lifting required for a true reconciliation (which I now believe is a truly rare event in any case).

To be clear, I don't regret staying. I probably would have been better off all things considered if I'd walked away right after D-Day but I'm not sure my kids would have been better off. That's just part of the shit sandwich. I came to a place where my disgust with trying to choke down the shit sandwich outweighed my fear.

If you're saying you'll be where I am a year from now, then you're already laying down "predictive programming" in your brain -- and you're already there!

So what is holding you back? Most of the time it is fear.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:24 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 8/5/2020 18:22 PM

Glad you've made the leap. Everyone takes a different amount of time to get to clarity. It seems in your case, it was never going to clear up b/c your WW was sitting on the fence on the times she slept with the OM.

I hope for your sake, it will be clean and fast. Taking another 3.5 yrs won't help that heart one bit. Things will improve drastically for you Thumos. Getting to D was hard, but at least now you have clarity.

And by the way, you're better man than I to continue to let your son play with the OMs child. I would have probably cut that out long ago.

Thumos posted 8/5/2020 18:28 PM

It just seemed cruel to me that two boys who are friends should have to end their friendship for something they had no part of.

Our son is moving to a new school in the fall, so that may alleviate the situation somewhat.

I've been talking to my WW the past two days about what to tell our son in light of his direct question to me. He's nearly 11, smart and won't be dissuaded by vague answers and half truths now.

He needs to know why he and his friend cannot have play dates. And I think him knowing that "why" is going to be a way to slightly soften the blow/shock of divorce when it is finalized (hopefully) in the next several months.

In other words, I don't think it will be healthy to just spring divorce on him the moment it is happening.

I have no intention of dragging out a divorce process. I want to get as quickly from A to Z as possible. I'm completely naive about the process and never took the time to even educate my self about divorce. It just never entered my mind before as a possibility. I'm having to educate myself rapidly now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:29 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 8/5/2020 18:37 PM

For less than $500 our divorce papers were filed, and we will never have to step into a court house.
Assets involved for us were: 401k, a house with equity, vehicles, personal property, etc

Neanderthal, if you're able and feel comfortable would you mind PM'ing me about this process? I confess I'm completely ignorant about it and feel pretty uninformed. It just never crossed my mind in my adult life that I would need to know anything about divorce. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true.

I think you and I live in the same general region so I'm curious how this was done. Did you all hire an attorney or do it on your own?

My desire is an amicable 50/50 custody of our son with a clean split of assets down the middle, but I would like for her to waive as much child support and spousal support as possible.

I think it's the least she owes me and I would take having to pay her as another level of betrayal. I want a clean break other than coparenting our child. She doesn't make that much less than me, and in fact she may make more than me for the first half of this year.

I understand how the law regards adultery now (as in not giving it much weight), but I'd like for her to demonstrate true remorse by waiving it in any case.

TheThunderRolls posted 8/5/2020 18:52 PM


I donít want to highjack your thread but yes, fear is a big one. I have 2 DD and donít want them to go thru the pain of a D, years invested (we have been together since I was 17), my lifestyle is a huge one. I do love him. He regrets it but like your wife, doesnít have it in him to truly face himself and what he has done. I believe WH is a covert narc. I know I deserve better, yet I stay. The predictive programming is I think, either my WH gets frustrated of trying and leaves or I finally get sick of his BS and leave. I have always thought it would be the former though. He denies he will ever want to leave but waywards are liars. Since DD, I knew deep down it was a deal breaker & almost left but there were a few reasons I stayed. My girls, not wanting AP to have him & I considered him remorseful. Crying, begging, pleading me to stay ala love bombing. I will finish grad school in February and I do not want to go thru the emotions of D while still in college. I will deal with everything afterwards. Posting here has made me feel validated though & after getting feedback the urge to leave gets stronger.

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