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Divorce/Separation :
I want divorce, but why am I dying inside

Topic is Sleeping.
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 momofliketriplet (original poster Member #22127) posted at 11:00 PM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

So honestly, my husband SUCKS at communication. That was part of our issues. Deep down I really think I never should have married him. He was mean, hurting, insecure of course cheated, had loads of boundary issues, texting other women etc Cheated again AFTER he promised he'd never hurt me, and YES I want to be divorced, but why am I still struggling? I love him, but he's not a good husband. He's going into counseling which he has done before but NEVER followed through, we've done marriage counseling like 5 different times.

Deep down I know it's the right decision but why am I crying, I want this, but why am I hurting SOOOO MUCH. Why do I care also where he is and what he's doing? I want to stop that!!!! What is wrong with me?

Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA - CAUGHT 2ND TIME - 7/10/20 PA
"This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

posts: 1117   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2008   ·   location: Cognitive Turmoil
id 8565410
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 11:04 PM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

There's nothing wrong with you at all. Even when you KNOW 100% that divorce is the best and right option, there is still a grieving that will happen for what might have been and for all that you've lost.

It's normal and it will pass. You just gotta get through the suck

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8565411
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Chrysalis123 ( Guide #27148) posted at 11:58 PM on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020

I learned when my selfish WS behaved similarly that I had Family of Origin (FOO) issues that caused me to have coping strategies that were immature and not helpful.

For instance, I was a severe people pleaser and behaved in a codependent fashion all the time. However, I did not know that about myself... until I decided to heal myself.

Therapy, SI, Alanon, and lots of reading and practice of my new self care skills and boundaries set me on a new path and a new life.

Nothing was wrong with me. I did what worked at the time. However when I knew better I did better.

Infidelity is hard...really hard and causes anguish. Change is scary. That's why you are feeling all those bad feelings. Read my bottom tagline

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 8565432
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betrayedafter20 ( Member #72875) posted at 2:07 PM on Thursday, July 23rd, 2020

sorry momof. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a person that loved your husband and had hopes and dreams of what it could/should be. You are grieving the loss of that idea. I say idea because I think down the line you will be in the place I am - I'm realizing that it really isn't him I'm sad about. It's the idea I had, the loss of the time and energy I invested, in the wrong person.

It's okay to feel sad and give yourself grace through the process. You've been punished enough don't punish yourself. ((hugs))

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8565588
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 4:39 AM on Friday, July 24th, 2020

I want a Divorce too. Badly!

I explained to my adult children that Divorce is just like Death where you get to choose the date you Die.

I realised that I was slowly dying inside during my long marriage.

I was 17 when I met WH and married at 19. It didn’t take long for WH to kill that little girl off.

I feel like I have been reborn since NC was enforced with STBXWH. I no longer feel ashamed or sorry that I allowed him to abuse me for so long. Those false feelings of Love are fading and although I care about him as a fellow human, that’s where it now stops.

The Divorce will be difficult, no doubt as WH made our marriage Hell. So why would I expect an easy Divorce.

As for knowing where he is and what he’s doing, I had that feeling of, “keep your friends close but your enemies closer“ now as long as he’s not hurting me or my children, I just don’t care.

You will soon enough learn how to unlove him. 🙏🏼

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8565863
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Gottagetthrough ( Member #27325) posted at 8:45 AM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

Oh gosh this post speaks to me. I’m in a very similar situation as you, Momofliketriplet. First affair started at the end of 2009, carried through all of 2010 and we were separated, divorcing, Wh was angry and throwing ow in my face all the time... he got help for undiagnosed bipolar and i took him back a few years later . We were separated almost two years AFTER he left ow.

I did so much work in therapy! I was happy living alone with my kids. But I figured he was mentally ill, now he’s on meds, we can get back to a happy place and I wanted the two parent family for my kids.

Well... I guess it wasn’t being unmedicated because he has engaged in another affair. An EA this time, but he told her he loved her and she also said it (like brother sister! You don’t understand! We are like siblings! )

This time he had an EA with a coworker that eventually lead to him having to quit . They had a major falling out so he lost his job and ow2 the same day.

I’m slowly realizing the chaos he brings to my life and our household is absolutely toxic and exhausting.

I do not want to try anymore. There is nothing I can do at this point. I have thrown myself into this marriage 100% and have tried so hard. But li am no longer interested in trying. It had taken a LONG time to get here. But I prefer life without his chaos.

I am sad, too. Because it is so easy to see what he’s missing out on. And it would be so easy for him to fix this. All my Wh has to do is be nice and care about his wife and kids. That’s it. I’m not asking for a million dollar job or a Porsche or a house with a pool. I’m asking for kindness to the people you supposedly love.

He has just started going to therapy. It’s too late but I haven’t told him that because I think he needs it. We have gotten an agreement signed (post nuptial agreement dealing with finances, etc. he has agreed to lifetime alimony, that I do not have to pay his student loans and that I have sole custody of he kids)

Little by little I’m untangling my life from his. And I’m so much calmer. You will get there, too. To a spot where you appreciate the calm. And the thought of going back to your Wh is just not appealing at all.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:50 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

posts: 3572   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8566370
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 2:56 AM on Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

Here is what is wrong with you - Nothing, your WH deeply betrayed you more than once. It cuts to the quick.

The life you expected, and the life you had, wasn’t. You committed, he let go.

Even if youR head knows you are better off, letting go is hard and it takes time. And practice.

Keep practicing, it will get better. It’s an iterative process.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8567202
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NEWPERSON ( Member #71436) posted at 7:03 AM on Wednesday, July 29th, 2020

I fully gree with what has been said, your lifetime dream has been cut short and thus your brain and heart are clashing ....because the heart is foolish(takes time to record) and the brain is logic.

I left June and I am sad at times too, I cry when I feel like it but I am sure I do not deserve such a selfish person and narcissist that takes no responsibility for the pain he cause me and my two sons' am hoping in December I will be much better and looking forward to next year May which will mark a year from leaving...I tried to talk about divorce and he is stalling ....having excuses about lockdown...he thinks I will come around ...I will absolutely not ....I am clear I am done....

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019   ·   location: South Africa
id 8567671
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CoderMom ( Member #66033) posted at 4:18 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

You love him. You can work things out, but it will take BOTH of you working on the hard issues - trust, forgiveness, not rubbing his nose in it every chance you get, giving more than taking in the marriage - things I've learned over the years.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8568920
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 5:55 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

What is up with this ^^^^ misguided and ill-informed advice?????

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8568940
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 6:46 AM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Thank you OIN. I agree - this is not a place to be blaming a BS - esp when she is back after TWELVE years of this crap.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8569479
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AthameAflame ( Member #48482) posted at 7:44 AM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

I read somewhere that you have to sometimes make a decision that heals your soul but breaks your heart. That’s what it felt like for me a few months ago when I told my STBXW that I was done. I’m guessing that’s what you feel, too.

I cried everyday for about two weeks.

Now, 4.5 months out, I can breathe peacefully and sleep like a baby in this big king-sized bed we used to share. Almost all of the time.

Long story short: it’s a process, there is NOTHING wrong with you, and you will come through this after enough time has passed.

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." -Orson Welles

posts: 90   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2015   ·   location: Southern USA
id 8569484
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 10:00 AM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Like Chrysalis123 said, there are sometimes underlying issues keeping you stuck and sad over leaving an abuser rather than detached and done. If you are struggling in your resolve or in your ability to cope with the sadness, reach out for more IC or other support. I have heard good things about DivorceCare group meetings which are all over. AlAnon is also very good for people trying to detach.

There's nothing wrong with you, but giving in to the sadness by stopping the D would hurt you long term. If you are leaning that way, find more support or medical help before you make any big decisions. Divorce is never easy though. There is always grief.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8569501
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12yearsloyal ( Member #43064) posted at 2:23 PM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

What betrayedafter20 said is SPOT ON!

Him: WS, 51 EA/PA 2.5 years
D Day 3/10/14 N/C broke (phone/email) 6/14-10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Banana Republic whore
Status: Fence sitting or D Praying for answers
Betrayal: so painful it should be a crime - 12 months in prison.

posts: 285   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2014   ·   location: State of Distrust
id 8570004
Topic is Sleeping.
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