SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Question for WS

After your affair ended (either you or AP ended it after DDay or it died a natural death,) did you have doubts about going back to your BS/marriage? If so, what were your reasons and what did you ultimately do?

DailyGratitude

When I ended my A, I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I was letting my one true soulmate get away. All the nonsense that WS tell themselves was going through my head.

But I knew I had to end it. Prior to ending the A, My conscious had been kind of nagging at me for a while. I started reading about infidelity online and happened on SI. I started reading the JFO forum and all of the horrors therein. A suicide attempt and a death in the family finally gave me the extra push I needed to end the A.

I mooned over my "loss" for about 3 months until I decided to troll my AP's FB page. Imagine my surprise when I saw a photo of her with her new soulmate on a beach in Puerto Rico. Based upon that and other posts, she had been seeing this guy while we were still together. It was at that moment that the enormity of what I had done hit me. She wasn't some angel sent from heaven just for me. She was just another broken person no more special that any other cheater.

Squish, you have a pm.

Hi everyone, I’m new to SI and this is my first post. I’m still trying to find the words to tell my whole story (D-day was about 5 weeks ago, together for 8 years, we are both mid-30s) but am doing my best to move forward. I feel lucky my wayward boyfriend (WBF?) and I aren’t married, have kids, or own any real estate together. I technically still cohabitate with him but kicked him out of our rental apartment after I discovered the affair while I began my search for a new place (not easy in today’s NYC rental market). I have a couple of random questions and am curious if any other WS engaged in the same behavior or could shed some insight. I know I probably shouldn’t focus on this stuff, it’s not worth it, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

1) He came to our apartment the other night to get some things and started complaining about how this has been going on for two months (it’s been 5 weeks – two of which I was bending over backwards searching for apartments and getting outbid on RENT – yes – RENT, two weeks of holidays, and one week spent bedridden with a really nasty case of Covid).

He said he couldn’t keep staying in a hotel (too emotionally stressful for him, no laundry, etc) and he was going to find his own place instead. I asked why he didn’t just go stay with his parents and work remotely which he can do, or stay with AP. Yes, I know that was probably uncalled for, but I was a doormat during our relationship and he really took advantage of that so getting that punch in felt good. He told me to mind my own business and that staying with AP was not an option.

Wondering if this means AP is out of the picture – or at a minimum, did he lie to her about his relationship status when they first started seeing each other? Curious what others think? (As a FYI, I am not able to work remotely, otherwise I would have jumped at the chance to get out of here while I figure this out)

2) He still has packages sent to our apartment and has been shopping up a storm. Every day more packages from Nordstrom, Saks 5th Ave, and designer boutiques show up here. When we were together he really frowned on this kind of spending. I have no idea why all of a sudden it seems like he’s spending thousands on designer clothes.

For context, I am a bit of a clotheshorse myself and often shop at those stores, though I always, always spent my own money on it and did not expect it from him or even as gifts. I think it's a bit odd his spending and tastes are now mimicking mine. Is he just trying to impress his AP/whoever he’s seeing now or is it something else?

3) Lastly, with respect to kicking him out, am I being too harsh? I see kicking him out/him having to deal with hotels or wherever he’s staying as a consequence for something he obviously thought he would get away with. I have offered to reimburse him for all of the rent for our place for January (we split it 50/50) and he can take that money and his much higher salary and figure it out.

I told him I was committed to being out by the end of January and things are trending that way, though as I mentioned he thinks I am taking too long despite the relationship breakup/real estate realities/holiday downtime/getting covid being things that I either did not decide or are completely out of my control.

Hi NYC,

Sorry you're here.

To answer your questions:

1. Where he lives is not your problem. He stopped being your problem when he took up with his AP. Too bad about the emotionally draining bit of living in a hotel. What about the emotional drain his affair put on you?

Anyway... that shit drives me nuts now since that was EXACTLY how I was during my A and I hate that I was (and still am on my bad days) like that.

AS for whether he's in his A with his AP or not, again, not your problem. I wouldn't doubt for a moment that he lied to his AP about his relationship status. Maybe she found out and dumped him (if she was oblivious, then she was lied to just as bad as you were- there's quite a few cases of single AP's being unaware). Either way NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's his problem now:).

It's also not a low blow to tell him to go shack up with AP. He chose to involve himself with her, he can go and make his literal bed where his figural one had been made.

2. The clothes shopping is a distraction from the stress he's under. His little fantasy bubble burst and now he's left with his own company for extended periods of time. My BH did a lot of shopping (and I did/do a lot of looking) to distract himself from the hell my A put him through. The spending, as long as it's not impacting your ability to pay rent/bills, IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

If it bothers you that he has packages shipped to your apartment, tell him to find somewhere else to send them. Leave them in the hall or vestibule. You're not his maid and if they get stolen IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He can have them shipped to store and get them himself. Amazon has drop boxes. The Post Office has PO Boxes. He has options, and like a grown man, can use them.

3. WOW, I would NOT worry about being harsh with the kicking out. GOOD FOR YOU. He didn't think about how harsh it would be on you when you found out about his A. Who cares what he thinks now? He obviously didn't think about you.

As for rent, as long as he's on the contract, he has to pay half. Don't offer to pay his half. He decided to make his bed with another woman. He gets to lay in it. However, that doesn't make him exempt from holding up his legal responsibilities to the lease agreement.

It's good you've kicked him out- now you can try and heal without having him in your face all day.

I guess the sum of all my answers to your questions are:

HE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

[This message edited by MIgander at 10:09 PM, Friday, January 7th]

@NYCchump

Hi sorry you're here. Our situations are very similar (mine is wayward fiancee of 6 years cheated on me, I'm 3 months out from Dday). So I understand a lot of what you're going through. I am not a WS so I will refrain from answering your questions. But I encourage you to post your story in the JFO. You will get a lot of great personalized advice to help you get through this very dark and harrowing time in your recovery. Doing so really helped me a lot in my recovery. Internet hugs, and Wish you all the strength

edit: wait so as a BS I can't respond to questions at all then? I thought I just can't answer questions. Ok got it.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 7:08 PM, Saturday, January 8th]

This is a reminder that BS members are not to respond to questions.

Question for the fWS: so the WS mindset slowly forms turning a loving and caring partner into a compartmentalizing, cold, selfish partner who eventually does the A. Now that you made the journey back to a loving partner, what would you say is the difference between someone who would begin to stray (your former self), and someone who wouldn't stray (your current self, your BS, etc), if faced with the similar situations again? In other words, what traits do you think puts someone at risk of beginning the slide into the WS mindset? Thanks!

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 9:22 PM, Monday, January 10th]

Question for the fWS: so the WS mindset slowly forms turning a loving and caring partner into a compartmentalizing, cold, selfish partner who eventually does the A. Now that you made the journey back to a loving partner, what would you say is the difference between someone who would begin to stray (your former self), and someone who wouldn't stray (your current self, your BS, etc), if faced with the similar situations again? In other words, what traits do you think puts someone at risk of beginning the slide into the WS mindset? Thanks!

1. I'm better at identifying when I'm lying to myself. I can see those opening salvos of "what I'm hiding really isn't such a big deal" and "am I even sure it happened that way" and all other sorts of false ambiguity. I apply that more to lying than to cheating, because honestly, I haven't been tempted to cheat again. But if I ever start down that path, I'll know what to look for.

2. I'm less conflict avoidant. I wouldn't say I've cured that in myself, but if I have fears or resentments, I know I need to talk to my H about them rather than allowing them to fester into escapism or entitlement.

3. I'm much more aware of the depth and breadth of the suffering it would cause. It would destroy my H. It would destroy our marriage. It would destroy our family. It would destroy the better version of me.

And honestly, it matters to me that it would hurt people here, too. I've asked hundreds if not thousands of betrayed members to believe that a WS can reform. I've told other WS to believe me that this is how it's done. If I can't respect the moral obligation that comes with that, I'm even farther beyond the pale than I was before.

question for WS:
For those of you who thought you were in "love" with your AP and didn’t think you could live without him/her, how did your feelings evolve over time? For how long after the affair ended did you continue to think about your AP and reminisce about your time with the AP? How did your feelings toward the AP affect your reconciliation and your attitude and affection toward your BS?
One of my biggest struggles is that my WH’s AP will always have a place in his heart. That he would fantasize about her. Want to be with her. Wish to see her again. Long for her. Stuff like that.

DailyGratitude

It to me about 3 months after my A ended for any sense of longing to really leave. At over 5 years out, I can honestly say that I do not miss her at all.

I understand now what my relationship with my AP was. It was all smoke and mirrors. We canoodled with a bubble which didn’t contain the everyday struggles that all real relationships face.

Ff4152
Thank you for your reply. You say you don’t miss the AP now (5 years) but what about in the earlier years? When did she stop taking space in your head?

Dailygratitude

She essentially stopped having any positive space in my head at the 3 month mark. When I saw her on the beach with her new beau, realizing that she had been seeing the both of us at the same time, it struck me that what we had was nothing special.

I can distinctly recall that moment as having all of the wind knocked out of me. Not over losing my "soulmate" but because of what I had done.

I think I finally reached indifference around 8 months or so but I cannot say that definitively. I never devoted any time to hating her; she didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to. Everything that happened, I allowed. I reached a state pretty quickly where she became someone I knew a long time ago if that makes any sense. The only time she really enters my head these days is when I come here.

Does that help at all?

Wayward Spouses,

Has anyone of you had to be constantly around your spouse and AP? My H AP lived next door so we were constantly seeing her and around her. If so, did you feel guilt? How did you compartmentalize the A if you had to be in the same location as both your spouse and AP? How did you deal with that?

I need someone to help me understand this. My H AP was our neighbor and her and her husband were out friends. We would see them everyday. We would sometimes hang out with them as well. My H would talk to her husband frequently about common interests. My H had a 2 month A before cutting it off himself. My H swears he always felt awkward around them during the A but I have a difficult time believing this because he was always in contact with her husband and we would always go hang with them. If he felt guilt about it or if he felt awkward being around them, why would he continue to put himself around them. There were many times we were all together while he was in his A. Looking back, it didn't look like he felt awkward one bit. I dont know what to believe because his actions at the time tell me one thing but my H tells me another. Most people do not have to see their AP with their spouse everyday ( together hanging out or even at separate times but at the same location). How did he feel guilt for all it or how did he compartmentalize the A if the AP was always around and he had to be reminded of what he was doing on a daily basis. This is all so confusing to me. Can someone please shed some light on my situation?

LivingGrief, I hope that you get some responses to this topic. This is also one of my biggest struggles. My husbands AP was my best friend. After they decided to end the affair (of which I did not even have a clue about) we hung out and did things together for years with her and her husband. My husband enjoyed her company, worked on projects with her, suggested visiting them etc. I did not see anything out of the ordinary with them. This lack of remorse and guilt breaks my heart. His explanation is that it was necessary to act as normal as possible so that I would not have clue, that they both knew that is was wrong and just stopped it.

The humiliation that I feel that they had this secret is still a hard pill to swallow. If you do not get a lot of replies in this forum, maybe you could repost it in the General Forum which seems to have a lot more readers.

If you do not get a lot of replies in this forum, maybe you could repost it in the General Forum which seems to have a lot more readers.

I know it can be frustrating when the guidelines steer you here and then there's no response. I can only think of one currently active WS whose affair was with a family friend. I'll let them know your questions are here, but they have a lot going on in their life right now both personally and professionally, so they may be too overextended to answer. This is one of the reasons I have a goal of building up the Wayward Side, so there are more voices available to help.

The reason we direct BS here is that if you post this question in General, there are no guideline protections for the WS. In the past, WS who tried to help would sometimes be attacked, not by the member who asked the question, but by another member who was triggered by the answer. The format of this thread, where only WS are allowed to respond, limits that potential. Occasionally, we get a question that's really more of a veiled attack, but fortunately that's pretty rare. Recent BS have been great about using the thread in the spirit for which it's intended. The only violations have been friendly misunderstandings.

The site originally allowed BS questions to be posted directly in Wayward. That was before my time, but I gather it made for a lot of extra traffic that sidetracked the primary focus of WS working on themselves. I also imagine it's problematic if a foggy new WS jumps right in and starts answering questions like a veteran. That being said, one of the great things about responding here is that it helps me approach my own story from a new angle. I've learned a lot about myself from answering BS questions.

My WS still reacts with shame and I am still at the point of "I don't give a shit how you feel". So empathy is difficult for me.

Was it important to have that empathy from your BS? Or did you understand why they didn't have it? I'm very annoyed that his initial reaction is self preservation.

How long before shame was not the initial reaction for you and what work did you have to do to make it so?

Also, if empathy was difficult for you, how did you learn to be more empathetic? My WH has owned that he needs help in this area, but I see him doing NOTHING to learn empathy.

Question for WS:

Right after the A was discovered and everything blew up, and your BS was in pain and white-hot grief and anguish, how did you feel when BS would yell and scream at you? What were your feelings then about them? Did you resent them? Get angry? Did you avoid them and if so, did you think they are crazy?

[This message edited by AndJustLikeThat at 1:53 AM, Friday, January 14th]

Livingingrief

To be blunt, I do not believe your WH statement about feeling awkward. Number one for the reasons you described but also because of how WS feel about the A itself. At least in its early stages.

Our heads are in the clouds, we have something special with our AP. The potential victims of the A are a distant concern. There is a certain element of cruelty involved in having an A. IMO, that increases when you run your BS nose in it, albeit unknown to them. I imagine that your WH and his AP had a bit of a giggle being able to sneak around right under your noses.

While guilt may be the reason why he broke it off, I call his awkward statement a steaming pile of horses&;$.