I do not meet your criteria for this question. We have a few WS's who did the trickle truth thing, but none come to mind with this extensive of a background. So, I am going to attempt to address some of this because I don't know if you will get an answer from someone who meets the criteria.
Regardless of the criteria, thank you for taking the time to try by sharing.
All WS face themselves at different rates, some never do. We all have the challenge of rebuilding trust within our relationship, and those who are more successful show not only consistency with their BS but can demonstrate true and lasting change within ourselves.
I'll save deeper thoughts on it for the time I share the whole story. But for now I'll say that this is an area I recognized as vital mid-way through 2019, one I've been on the lookout for and one I feel has been avoided by my WS.
I am of the mindset any couple can have a good chance of success of R if the following exists:
-The WS is remorseful. They exhibit this through complete transparency, honesty, consistent support type behaviors with you (consistently trying to make amends). They seem to understand as much as a non-betrayed person can the damage they have done to you and your relationship.
-The WS goes through a process to discover their whys (all internal to them) and hows. Meaning, what was the motivation of the behaviors, and how was it they were comfortable with those behaviors. Whys are about accountability, hows are usually background information like FOO. They work to heal the hows and change the whys. This can't be faked, this is something they can articulate and actively work on. It takes a long time. I confessed three years ago. I still work on some of it, because the truth is being human means you won't master everything. I have a good handle to be able for both my husband and I to think I have become a safe partner for him, but I know that becoming the best version of myself will be a life long endeavor.
-Both people are willing to work hard on the R process. That means the BS works on their healing, and they both work to restore connection, trust, communication, etc. Sometimes, there isn't enough there for the BS to stay regardless of what the WS does to improve themselves. And, that's okay too.
From 18 months ago I began to work on myself and my view of our M with the tangible facts as my basis for how I feel more than allowing my feelings to drive what I perceive. This was not a fast process but after about 8 months I was finally beginning to accept things for what they are...which I will touch on in regards to MrsWalloped's thoughts. At any rate, once I stopped breathing the gas that codependents are prone to inhaling, my tears dried up and my personal growth began to improve at an accelerated rate.
Trust is obviously harder to build after the enormous amount of years you have been cheated on, the enormous amount of lies. But, that is not a you problem, that's a her problem.
Well, it's sort of an us problem until there's closure as a couple or a D. But I know what you mean and agree. It should be her priority.
You have spent 18 months working on things, do you see some of the signs that there is something here to work on? And, do you want to do that? Regardless of our antidotal stories, every single person is different and every marriage is different. Only you can decide the progress and whether it's worth continuing.
Technically, progress has been made. To me, said progress feels and looks like only the low-hanging fruit (for her) areas were worked on and only to the point of taking the sharp edges off of my clearly voiced concerns and issues. But to be fair, I am a person who is very in touch with what I feel and can share them if someone asks me. She has never been the sharing kind. So my words are merely "one of three sides" as they say.
Since November of 2019, I've told her:
· I will no longer press her for information and that as the only person I can communicate with which knows the whole story, it's up to her to make my standing questions whole. Which was met with, "ask whatever questions you have." At that point I was bored of getting non-answers to my questions and she knew the questions I still felt were incomplete.
· And that I would no longer request she research what we faced. Gone were the days of me asking her to read up, watch videos (by herself or with me) or bringing up infidelity-related topics.
I stopped this not because it would end with me rug sweeping the situation. But she has no space to play ignorant to what I've felt, what I question, etc. and her natural, unprompted actions would lift the fog that's been hanging over her heart condition towards her betrayals, myself and our children for me.
Thank you for the thoughts hikingout.
I don’t meet your criteria either, but your question illustrates why TT is so damaging. You’re basically starting from Day One all over again, and on top of that you have all the lies and omissions and questions to deal with, which makes building any kind of trust super difficult if not impossible.
I view the issue as driven by the empirical data now because I've learned I can not blindly trust my feelings and at the core of that is the TT, not her mistakes. Anyone can rationalize previous actions, mistakes or judgement calls. Early in 2019 I even told her that I understand how an EA can happen and one can get sucked in but that if she wants our endgame to be our family staying whole, I need nothing but the truth. That when it comes to the truth, it's absolute and any excuses for lying are insulting to me. It's one thing to live a lie of omitting her acts of betrayal. It's another to express a desire to be whole with me and out of the other corner of her mouth bold-faced lie to me repeatedly. It's as though you're saying not only do you not love me by the act of lying right now, but you also believe me to be stupid enough to believe it.
What I mean is I stopped trying to control the situation. You’ll hear people say “letting go of the outcome.”
This is actually where I've been at for the last month or so in my own head. While it's common for WS's to be told that they must let go (of control), it feels good for me to finally feel as though it's what I've done. And so here I am setting more emotional boundaries for us and I perceive that she is beginning to understand that I've accepted that our M may end. Historically, we've accepted that I be a lap dog, she fusses enough and I bow. I'm done with that. As my mom always told me, it's better to be alone and by yourself than lonely in a marriage. But no matter what people say, when children are involved (and simultaneously safe from abuse), any major act should be given the gravity it deserves. This is not the same as inaction. But my actions do affect more than myself so I am exhibiting patience, focusing on myself right now while still keeping my eyes open to the possibility of us healing together.
And from the BS’s perspective you now have to deal with all of that. So I think TT adds another on top of that, but the basic issues are the same.
Basically, same stuff. #1 issue right now is safety.
Thanks for sharing with me MrsWalloped.
[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 12:30 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]