Title will say it all here.
First off sorry for the long story. Just using this as a documentation board to remember the timeline of events.
We have been married for 12 years. Both 35 years old, 5 days apart. 3 children, 11 7 and 4. She has been a stay at home mom for about 11 of those 12 years thankfully i have a job that pays well enough to support our family. She has been 100% faithful to me and i have never had a trust issue up until this point. Maybe a little jealousy because she is a very attactive women and dies get attention from men everywhere she goes. As for me, i have never cheated and have not even come close. Simply not in my moral compass.
I will say this for the record. My wife suffers from PMDD and during that week she really almost turns into another person. So much so that my kids see it. I see it. I can even hear it in her voice when this is starting. Ahe also suffers from chronic back pain and fibromyalgia.On top of this, she was alao diagnosed bi-polar in her 20's. I am not sure if she actually is bi polar or if it is just the PMDD. She seems pretty stable outside of her time of the month. Because of this after trying just about everything to remedy the pain, she recently started seeing a new doctor that put her on gabapentin. This started around mid may this year.
I noticed she had been acting a little distant. Not like her usuall self. We are normally very physical and have a very sexual realationship. I would say we normally have sex around 5 times a week on average. Lots of hugs and i love yous.
So back in mid may i noticed she was no longer complaining constantly of her back and fibro pain. Normally she is constantly complaining about this. On top of being a little wierd and distant. We dont really have any friends outside of our realationship. So one day she texts me at work and says to me that she was going to meet her girlfriend and a couple of her friends up at yhe beach. I said ok sounds good. I will be home soon. So she heads out that night comes home and everythingnis fine and normal. 10 days go by and this is when i start noticing something is off and i am getting that feeling. Intuition maybe? She says she is heading up to the grocery store and i decide off the wim im going to go check her laptop......
This is where my life as i know it changes.
I first notice she had deleted all of her browser history. This set iff a red flag. I dug thru her email and facebook, nothing. Facebook messages to this girlfriend she is supposed to be meeting at the beach are also deleted and i know they talk on FB. So i decide to check out her google search history. There is see it. She is looking up a person that is on the michigan sex offenders list. I click on it, get his name and see if he is on her facebook. Yep, friends. I notice in her search history that she also googles his address, home value, his birthday horoscope, and a sentence "what should i do". I immediately call her and tell her she needs to come home, everyone is safe but you need to turn around and come home right now. She does. I confront her ask her who this person is. She gets very upset and says "are you spying on me?" I said yeah i guess so... you have been acting out of character lately...she starts to cry and deny... but slowly starts to answere my questions....
Who is this guy? an old friend who i have always had feelings for.
How did you meet him? When i went to the beach with my friend last week, he was there. Friends his her friends boyfriend. She said that this was not pre meditated.
What did you guys do? Nothing....then goes on to say we hugged. Then later says they kissed... then later says they touched...alot. but nothing sexual.. (now i know that this is probly half the truth, so my brain tells me they were sexual.)
Are you still talking to him? No... he actually quit talking to me. He said he likes me...but im married.
I cry for the first time in our 12 year marriage. She does too. She starts to move in and get sexual with me because were 2 dysfunctional people.. and we have sex.
The next few days are hard. I cant go to work so I take a few vaca days.the kids get taken by my in laws so wifey and i can work a few things out. I grill her to the point of crying everyday. And she assures me they are not talking, its over, it was nothing major, and she wants me, lets move on. There are a lot of visions of these 2 in my head that wont leave and it causes a lot of anger. So i grill and interrogate her constantly. To the point where she starts to threaten that im pushing her away... i find an email during this week in her trash that she forgot to delete. It was sent to him and said: "hey dont just disapear on me, i need to talk to you" .... when i found this i woke her up out of bed and it atarted another 2 day fight....
So ok, let me just put this here real quick. During our 12 years of marriage i was not by any means a perfect husband. I never cheated, but i worked a lot of long days and came home to unwind on the computer playong a video game that i would put a lot if time into. I ignored her a lot, snapped at her when she tried to get my attention and she qent to bed in tears quite a few nights. I see the damage this caused and i feel terrible about it. I also can be a pretty big dick sometimes. Like if we are having an argument i would blame her PMS and such. Things you just wouldnt say to a women. I guess i didnt give her the time of day she deserved.
So after those 4 days of talking, i go back to work. Thursday and friday. In friday she has some errands to run and before she leaves she assures my sorry ass that they are bot talking anymore and its iver between them. Hes ignoring her. She leaves. Is gone for awhile, a few hours. When we are seperated now i start to feel very very anxiouse... like i need her by me to function. I start to think shes out talking bad about me with her new partner. So as i sit there and my brain is ticking 100mph i decide shit, i pay the phone bill...im going to log on the phone account and see what shes up to on there. Low and behold i see a number that has been called and text ALOT that didnt start showing up on the bill until she went to the beach that day about 3 weeks ago. I get pissed call it.... yep its the guy. He claims he dosnt know my wife and hangs up....i dont call her, i call her mom and tell her (she is very supportive if me) and i also call my mom and tell her for the first time whats going on. I ask if she can get the kids tonight and she does. A few hours later my wife gets home and i hand her my wedding band and say its over. You still lying to me and you have completely fucked this marriage up. She starts to cry and says i can explain....she tells me she called him to tell him goodbye (even tho she told me he qyit talking to her) and i say honey... you started calling him the day i returned to work... thursday and friday... you had to say goodbye twice? Silence....
The next day she heads out to the beach with her friend again.....i thi k its rly her girlfriend this time who she insists has had nothing to do with this. She is younger and has never been married, no kids. She comes home and starts talking about hiw weve griwn apart. And maybe it would be better for the kids if we were divorced. Blah blah blah. Another night of my crying like a baby...
We decide that it would be best for the sake of out marriage if we take a few days break from each other. She is going to take tge kids and head to her moms house for a few nights. The day comes for her to leave and she texts me at work and tells me her plans. Shes going to go hang out with her friend (its already 12pm) and then take the kids and head out. I say no... i dont know why i did. Jealousy or something? I decide icam coming home right now and taking your van and the kids and going to my moms. Tou can stay here. She gets upset but agrees and we go our seperate ways. That was one of the hardest nights of my life. The next day comes anf im actually feeling OK.i decide im going to call a divorce lawyer and get some info and an escape plan. I wait patiently all morning for her daily hello text. She sleeps u til about 9 or later most days. It comes! Im so happy for what im seeing. She says she loves me and wants me. And is sorry that she had feelings for someone else. She then starts to ask me i have 75 dollars so she can get her eyebrows done. I say no, i have a few bills that need to be paid. She says ok well maybe i can come up with it. At this time she finds out that i chanhed all of the passwords to the bank accounts. I did this for 2 reaaons...1 i didnt want to to get crazy and drain the account and 2. I dis something bad. The night i found out she was still calling and talking to this guy after a week of "its cut off" promises, im hurt and decide to make a online dating profil which cost money and was now in my bank history.... i know im a sad soul. All these women wanted to meet yet i can only think of wanting my wife. Anyways, she finds out the accounts are locked because she is looking for money for her appointment and geta extreamely upset. Says she needs to het into the account to do grown up things like pay bills (i pay the bills). She says "ok i love u i want to be with you im sorry i care avout other people its over so do you have that money?" I get pretty upset right now and im at work so im only about 5 minutes from home. I rush home to try ans talk to her about the bank accounts in person before she rushes off because i know that she knows im probly on my way home. I pull up and hear her run to the door of my house and throw the dead bolt. I knock for a few munutes and say comenon i just want to talk. I sont want to break into my own house. She finally comes to the door and says "your not going to yell at me are you? Because i just cant take another interrogation right now"? Im completely calm at this point ans i say no im here to tell u about the bank accounts. She finally lets me in and we talk. Now a few days before this moment she had cut her does of gabapentin down in half. We argue a bit, i tell her about the inline dating thing, and that i cancelled and deleted my account (i did i felt terrible for having it) and we got into a few different arguments so i decided to leave. As i was walkinh out the door she said something and i dont know to this day what it was. I stopped, turned around and went upstairs to where she was. We sat there. And we talked calmy about us. She said she went out with her girlfriends last night and hu g out with a girl that actually knows this guy she had been talking to and sending pictures to...she said yeah, hes been 2 prison 2 times now for sex crimes. Has no house, no ambition and is just a complete douch bag. My wife ride thru the neighborhood qhere he lives, where she used to live b4 we married and told me what i have here is so much better than what i had then. She said last night she realised thats not the l8fe she wants. She said acutally he called me last night, and i told him that he cant be calling me anymore and that its over. This made me feel good. Rly good. It was like a drug just released an infinite amount of endorphins into my bloodstream. See this is how this women makes me feel. We qork things out and have sex once again...i come home with the kids later that night, feeling like my wife was back. No longer in fantasy world.
A few days later she texts me in the morning *we usually talk when she wakes up on messenger) and tells me shes watching this FB show called kat and nat. I decide to take an interest in my wifes interests and i google kat and nat. They are 2 married moms navigating there way thru life and talking to other women about thier experiences. The first thing that shows up is a facebook live feed of them talking about a erotic fantasy of going to the beach and meeting this very attractive man that they end up having a sexual realationship with. I figure whatever... thats what women do. Oh but wait, right on the google page there is a video comment from my wife right at the top! This is what it read. "Omg something like this happened to me, kind of..OMG i dont want to be married anymore..." wow. That hurts. And like really what are the chances of me seeing that? Again hurting i call my wife and she once again gets upset and says im spying...she sidnt mean what she said blahblahblah...
We end up a few days later going to our first online marriage counseling session. It went well. The counsellor went over the whole transparancy thing and applauded me for being honest about the things i have done wrong.
A few nights go by and i find that drinking rly calms my nerves at night. I dont drink, normally maybe twice a year. A few beers a night now for the past week or so is what ive been doing once the kids r in bed. I tell her she needs to go get a job. She needs to go hang out with her friends. She needs to go treat herself to something nice to get away from being a 24 hour homemaker. The kids can be a-holes and they will drive u crazy. So she does. Thursday she goes to a few appointments and gets a manny/peddy. Friday she goes to the beach with her girlfriend. Im cool with it. Happy wife happy life. I truly at this point feel shes not talking to the guy. I saw a text to her BF where she admitted she hasnt yalked to him in weeks. Saturday comes. I come home from work and think ok if shes going grocery shopping i bet cleaning this completely un-organized fridge will put her in an even better mood, and score some hubby points at the same time. So i clean the fridge. After she comes downstairs from her hour long mirror stare and makeup session. She literally steps over all of the fridge items on the floor and says love u babe ill be back. And heads out. Thats irrigating...my hurt pathetic soul just wants a pat on the back. She says shes going to one store and then to another so i figure its going to be at least be a few hours. 4 hours later she gets home. I had already smuckered down 2 tallboys due to my seperation anxiety and she busts in the door and says "im ganna need a little help here!" Whoa i thought to myself... no need for that i ALWAYS help with groceries. I see that she also did not go to the store she said she was. She spent 4 hours grocery shopping at a different store. Now let me stop right here and say i know how much of a mellow dramatic 50's husband i sound like. But considering the circumstances thats how i feel. Very vulnerable ..
This is where we have one of the worst fights in our entire marriage. We argue about this and that. She tells me see this is why i cant be with you. You bullheaded. "You dont stop asking me about if i want to be married or what happned between me and the guy." I cant take this anymore. I love you but i dont think im in love with you. Lifes too short to live like this. Ive built my own prison i cant live with you i cant live without you. I have nothing, my pool is here my plants are here my house is here, my kids are here. I cant leave im stuck here." This makes me feel like om basically living with my wife who no longer has feelings for me, but does not want to take 10 giant steps backwards and is admittedly scared of the next step. I get upset she feels this way. I try to take her phone... she has changed all the passwords. She gets up to leave and I grab her... i have never done this before and i feel terrible. I dont hit her, i would never.... but i grab her and try to get the locked phone from her. I tell her to unlock and she does. I look the guy up... and type him a short messege. "Hey". It said. He never responded. And i felt bad for even doing it. She sees this and gets very very upset. Takes the phone. Kicks me in the crotch and goes and sits in her van. I ended up going to bed and going to work the next day.
The next day I come home from work and ealier that day i sent her a FB message of a video i watched about overthinkers who self sabbotage thier realationships. I thought to myself, hey this is me to a tee. When i got home ahe was in our room very somber watching the video i sent her. We talked calmly for awhile about how things are and our feelings. She wants to and thinks she should be avle to go out with her friends, does bot matter who and not have to indulge every si gle detail to me. (i never asked for any of this before she had a month long online and physical realationship with another man) that life is too short to be unhappy and she loves me vut its not the same as it was. She says theres no passion left and she juat dosnt get that feeling. But shes stuck here. I tell her shes not stuck here thi gs would be hard. Rly hard for me. But i will make it thru. And so will u. At this point im starting to feel like our marriage is a lost cause so im starting to think a lot about life without her. Seeing my kids on the weekends...paying child support...having another man raise my kids... all so sad and scary to think about. I get up to leave and she says dont go. I lay back down and again.... we end up having sex...see a pattern here?
Niw here we are today, present day. I decide...i dont need this. I dont need to be her doormat. I love her so much but i dont think im happy either. I decide to go get a gym membership when i gey home from work.
I get home, and tell her my plans. Shes kind of shocked but says ok. I go and shave and shower. She knocks on the door and says "why r u taking a shiwer before u go to the gym?" I said because. I gotta go to the store and get a gym bag and towell. And, im covered in work grime. I put on some nice new clothes i just got and that upset her. "Why r u deessing up for thr gym" i said because im going to the store and like you said, it makes me feel good when i look nice. Shes starting to act funny and getting very jealous right now. I go outside to tell her goodbye and she says "so who are you going to meet?" I said no one. Im going to the gym by myself. Remember yesterday you said maybe if i hang out with my friends i will realize im happier without you, and maybe ill meet a new women? (This cuts.me like a knife by the way when she says this, i just want her) anyways i go out to the gym by myself and shes sending me messeges the while time about how bad the kids r being. She says the reason they disrespect her and not me is because they see the way i treat her and think its ok for them yo do the same. This is the first time i think i have ever went and did something alone in at least 6 years. Im a family man. I like to be with her and my children. I get home and shes still acting funny. She sees me on my phone talking to a wirk buddy and gets upset. Saying why r u talking to a man about me, who has been divoeced? She goes outside crying and writes me a note. Im being very standoffish and teied saying babe, me and u fight all the time its not working. In the note it said hiw she just wishes i could be in her head and see that all i have to do to make this all go away is forget about it and start working in the marriage. It said she loves me and wants me. And the ball is totaly in my court. My actuons alone decide this marriage's future. I go to bed. She comes up and asks if she can lay by me and i say yes, ofvourse. She goes to brush her teeth.
Then i get in that mood again.... i contemokate doing something but dont think I should. But i do...
When she lays fown in the bed i say to her. Wait, b4 u lay down i gotta tell u something. I said, i didnt go to the gym today... she says what? Whered u go? I said i went to see an old girlfriend. We had sex. She sits up in anger and i say...im kidding...but thats what im dealing with how does it feel? She gets upset and leaves....i know ahouldnt of done it.
A hour later she comes up and we have passionate sex.....
The next day im rly trying and things r going good. We sit outside and she we start talking about how a divorce would work. Well i tell her what i think and she says but we couldnt do 50/50 because the kids will need to go to school. I said yah that would suck. She told her friend basically she has everything here and it would be too hard to leave. She wants to focus on herself and the kids. And relax when she can leave the house and unwind. Nothing about working on me or the marriage. This divorce talk got me very anxious. She brought up that some couples live together but are seperated... i said no... not for me. I tell her to just tell me the truth... tell me how u feel and what u want. She says she wants this marriage to work. She says counselling is the last ditch effort we have left. She wants me to change my behavior and hard headedness so that she can like me again. Part of me says dont change who you are for a manipulative women that just needs your resources. The other part of me says stop being hardheaded and give this a good try, because our kids lives depend on it. I am still wondering if taking a longer break from each other may be the best thing here....im torn.