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again after 7 years, i am filled with rage and terror

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doihavechoice posted 6/3/2020 20:39 PM

7 years ago i found out about my husband cheating on me with craigslist whores.

He was remorseful, he seemed to really change, he put monitors on his computers, we saw two different therapists over three years of work and I thought we healed together and I thought it was behind us. He promised he would never do anything like that again because it was like he ate shit, it was awful for him and i believed him.

Life has been happening, I thought we were good, that we were a team working together.

Our youngest son died unexpectedly two and a half years ago and we were devastated I though we were supporting each other through this trial.

I was wrong.

Last week I had a friend find out her husband has been cheating. I told her about this site and hope she finds some healing here.

I was triggered so I looked at his phone for the first time in several years.

I found a secret email, I was able to hack partway into it, just like the last time i found out. There is 2 factor authentication now and I didn't have access to the second email for the code so I didn't get to see any actual messages and most likely he knows now that someone tried to hack into this email account.

I checked his maps history and found several places he went that he had no reason to go and were directly opposed to his way of normally doing things. he hates driving anywhere he doesn't have to, so why did he go an hour and a half north of our home in the opposite direction from his work to an address that is someones home. several like that over the past 12 months of so.

I found a hidden web browser that was downloaded within the last two years that was in private mode. While I was investigating it I accidentally found that there was something on the clipboard waiting to be pasted in the browser... guess what it was??

It was an incognito craigslist email to connect with a missed connection.

F*&K... F*&K ... F*&K!!!!!

I am so upset right now! I want to rip his head off.

He has no idea that I know, he is sitting right next to me as I am typing this, he thinks I am mad about things on the news and posting on social media.
Right now I don't give a F*&K about the news but I can be mad and he doesn't know its because of him!

I don't know what I am going to do about this. We both have had a 20% pay-cut (hopefully temporary) so separating our household will be difficult but I think that is the direction I am heading. I am giving myself the same advice I got the first time. Don't make any decisions while you are upset. Give yourself time to cool down and process what you have found out.

I am just so devastated, he was supposed to be honorable. He was supposed to be honest. I was supposed to be able to finally trust him and now my world is upside down again and I don't know if I will be able to right it this time.

knockedforsix posted 6/3/2020 20:59 PM

You are heard. Breathe just breathe and follow your own advice. I wish had done more digging when I found out about DD2. Download software. Get a VAR.

I am so sorry this is happening to you again.

nekonamida posted 6/3/2020 21:13 PM

Waiting and watching is fine if your WS has stopped cheating and appears remorseful. Yours hasn't though. Not making a decision for 6 months is a mantra many on SI decided to update and completely toss out when your WS is actively in the A, continuing to hurt you through abuse, and in cases of false R like yours. Your sanity is worth more than that.

Get an STD test right away. See a lawyer and find out your rights. Quietly get those ducks in a row. Even if he did say he would never do it again, how could he ever reassure you he wasn't lying this time? Why should you ever trust him even a little? He appeared to do everything right only to go right back to cheating after you healed. That is sick and twisted. He saw how much he hurt you and decided to do it again as soon as your pain ended. He doesn't sound like he will ever stop beyond what he has to in order to prevent a D. Don't give him a second opportunity to sway you with false promises.

redwing6 posted 6/3/2020 23:07 PM

I am so sorry you're here. Contact a lawyer tomorrow!!!! or today. He's now a serial cheater and no longer safe for you. Kick his ass out and make sure you secure your assets/bank accounts.

The1stWife posted 6/4/2020 03:49 AM

Iím sorry it happened again. Nothing else to say - youíve been down this road before.

I suggest you change your expectations of him. Heís a serial cheater. Stop expecting Monogamy from him. This way you wonít be so hurt or devastated anymore.

Maybe you should just tell him you know heís been cheating and you understand his addiction to this lifestyle. Tell him he doesnít need to sneak around. See what happens.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:51 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]

DIFM posted 6/4/2020 05:24 AM

I would forgo any further data collection actions as you already have more than you need to make whatever decision is best for you. Collecting more means time spent in doing something that will not help in getting you out of where you are. I understand the collect your thoughts and clear your head first steps. But, as has been stated, you are dealing with a serial cheater. That much is true and factual. How long you wait won't change that. You need to decide if you are up to the challenge of another round of what you will go through.

I am very sorry for your pain. This is the worst and best place for you right now.

doihavechoice posted 6/5/2020 10:14 AM

Well things are now a little more complicated. i looked at all the other things i took pictures of from his phone and i found a list that looks suspiciously like a suicide exit plan.

i called my therapist and talked to her about it. she thinks it is a exit plan too.

we are now both worried that if i confront him he might go forward with the plan. but i cant not confront him. i am between a rock and a hard place.

i decided to write him a letter telling him what i discovered, both the evidence of cheating and the exit plan. i am going to give him a copy of the letter and read it to him while he is at his therapy appointment that way the therapist can help guide his reaction and if she thinks he will go through with the plan she can intervene.

the appointment is this afternoon and i asked him this morning if i could go with him today because i had something to share and i was scared he would get mad. now i don't know what to do. i am so anxious i feel like throwing up.

Cooley2here posted 6/5/2020 10:42 AM

People cheat for many reasons. Your husband is suffering from depression. The hits he gets from all of this give him short highs. Itís self medicating but it appears he then gets even more down because he knows what he is doing is wrong. Thatís my take on this. He needs an intervention where he agrees to have some drastic changes. Medication or hospitalization, or both.

The1stWife posted 6/5/2020 11:08 AM

If itís a discussion rather than a confrontation it may be better received by him.

Best of luck to you. Heís lucky to have a caring person still by his side.

Anna123 posted 6/5/2020 11:10 AM

I will send prayers your way right now. So sorry this is happening.

junebug65000 posted 6/5/2020 11:54 AM

Agree with Cooley 2 here.
If today's appointment is a confrontation the therapist should have a back up plan i.e. escort your husband to a hospital for therapy/medication.
Meanwhile, continue to take care of yourself and plan for your own future.
Take care and be safe.

WhatsRight posted 6/5/2020 12:11 PM

I am so VERY sorry for your loss.

NeverTwice posted 6/5/2020 12:47 PM

Hi DoIHaveChoice,

I am so sorry this has happened to you again. And I do not have much advice I can give that has not already been posted by the other wonderful commenters.

But I would add this. Self care, right now, needs to be one of your top priorities. And I would recommend learning about 'The 180' (it is in the Healing Library) and take some of those lessons to heart.

And again, I am so sorry...my heart breaks for you. And I wish you well and will also say this. Not only do you deserve better, but you will eventually find that faithful, caring partner should you get divorced.

Best wishes.

nekonamida posted 6/5/2020 14:45 PM

I agree with NeverTwice. And I would like to add that what's going on with his mental health has NO BEARING on doing what's right for you. You are not responsible to stick by him and experience DDays indefinitely because of his mental health issues. You are not required to sacrifice yourself to help him get better. This is not what's covered under "In sickness and health" in your wedding vows. If he's truly capable of being honest, transparent, and doing the work this time, great but if he's not, you must take steps towards a path of healing for yourself no matter what he does. Don't let him become the focus on your life in the wake of this new discovery. Keep your focus firmly on yourself and your family.

Good luck. We're rooting for you!

doihavechoice posted 6/8/2020 11:13 AM

I went to his therapist appointment and confronted him on both the evidence of cheating and the obvious suicide plan.

His therapist was concerned about how we were going to be after the appointment and getting him in a place where he is not going to hurt himself.

I decided while i was listening to him talking to his therapist that we needed to get him into a place where he is stronger and able to face the consciousness of his actions before we address his actions. in the mean time i decided to searching out lawyers to learn my rights.

the therapist got him to agree to a safety plan during the part of the appointment that i was with them. i told her i was willing to address the infidelity at a later time once he gets his head together, that he was not off the hook but i can wait a little longer, whats a few weeks or a month of two after 34 years of marriage.

he admitted to being tempted and starting the search for something again but insisted that it had not gotten very far, he hadn't met anyone who he wanted to get with, he even said he felt like a failure because he couldn't even do that.
(who knows maybe she can help him really get to the underlying issues and really heal himself and no longer be dangerous to our marriage)

i think i believe him because when i caught him the first time i did get everything out of him, even several things i had no clue about, without him trickling any truth. it took 3 days mostly because i only could take information of his cheating a little at a time to process before i was ready to hear more. i had to ask him to stop and tell me more when i was ready and ask again.

my internet search tells me that since we have been married for so long and we make pretty much the same amount spiting our household will be selling our assets and spiting the proceeds 50/50 and that includes all our investments and retirements since all of it is in both of our names. i know he doesn't have any hidden assets because i do all the books, if anything he will want an accounting of what we have from me.

i am less upset and mostly very sad. i have hope that this therapist (the first he has gone to on his own) will be able to help him and he will find the will to live again. i want so badly to have him healed and back to the person i married and who he was for the first 25 years we were married. at one time i would say he was the most honorable person i knew, now i am just sad for what he did and how he feels about himself now. i still love him, and will always love him, but i also love myself and i will not live with someone who hurts me or puts me in danger.

Stevesn posted 6/8/2020 21:15 PM

You took exactly the right steps here. You are a strong person and heís lucky to have you.

However, you deserve the right to a happy life with a safe partner. I know 34 years is a long time, so donít feel bad if you find it difficult to make hard decisions. Itís understandable.

Are you still with an IC? You may want to start again if not. You will need that support.

nekonamida posted 6/9/2020 07:12 AM

DIHC, I don't think you should believe him right off the bat. He's probably scrubbing his secret email account as we speak. He drove 90 minutes to a mystery person's house - why? Who were they? And do you really believe he went there and didn't have sex with them if they were someone from craigslist like his last APs?

doihavechoice posted 6/9/2020 08:35 AM

Stevesn and Nekonanida,

you are both right.

i have been seeing my therapist all along. i have a good relationship with her, she has helped me ever since i found her about 3 years post DDay. She is fantastic and has helped me with his infidelity and coping with the death of my son. she is a true treasure.

i do deserve a safe loving partner, and right now he cant be that person. he once was, and maybe can be again, but isn't right now and the right now is what is important.

he might be scrubbing his secret email and hiding all kinds of bad stuff, but he didn't last time so i suspect he wont this time. it doesn't matter any way because i don't need to see "proof" of infidelity to do what i need to do to find a safe partner, but he didn't deflect or try to blame his behavior on someone or something else so i am leaning toward believing him. just because he hasn't done anything stupid this time yet doesn't make him a safe partner and my eyes are wide open to his shortcomings.
infidelity lives in the dark and now that it is in the light i hope it shrivels dies.

i think the key this time is actually having him do the deep work with himself, finding out why he has chosen to do things that are harmful to himself and to our marriage.

i am much stronger this time. i am not blinded by my pain, i know what that is, i understand the pain and have made it to the other side. i think this makes me able to see how he is dealing with his issues instead of like last time when i was doing everything i could just to stay afloat myself.

his cheating was never about me or our marriage. i don't even think it was about sex.

i think like Cooley2here and my therapist are right. he is in a deep depression and was trying to self medicate, poorly.

my hope is that now that he is seeing a therapist on his own for the first time ever.(before i even found out about any of this) he will find healing.

just had a thought i will talk with my therapist about. is it possible that he saw the direction of the path he was on and decided he had one of two choices available, see someone and get help to stop the self destructive behavior, or end his life to stop the self destructive behavior? the suicide exit plan was written shortly before he started seeing his therapist. if that is the case, then there is hope for recovery.

regardless, i am doing what is best for me and i am not hiding any it from him. so he either will get on board with healing or he wont and i will leave to find a place of safety and peace.

thank you all for helping me talk it out and see other points of view. its hard to see the extent of the storm when you are in the middle of it.

nekonamida posted 6/9/2020 17:25 PM

it doesn't matter any way because i don't need to see "proof" of infidelity to do what i need to do to find a safe partner, but he didn't deflect or try to blame his behavior on someone or something else so i am leaning toward believing him.

So because he didn't deflect, he's suddenly more trustworthy when you have evidence that contradicts what he's telling you? I don't buy it. And it's not just one instance of going to a random house, it's multiple instances that you know of. Why isn't he being upfront about who those people are and why he spent time there if it's fine and has nothing to do with his transgressions? And if he's not scrubbing his secret email, why not ask to see it?

I'm a little surprised that you're not taking steps to verify his claim that he never met up with anyone. But I think I might understand why because if you can believe it was less worse this time then you won't have to make a tough decision. You can still cling to hope that he's showing progress because he didn't go fully back to the way he was last time. Wouldn't it be worse though to go through another false R because you find out 6 months down the line that he did meet up with someone and had sex? Aren't you worried about STDs? If you're not rushing out to a lawyer and filing, if there is any possibility of R, take steps to verify what he's telling you. Look at his secret email account. Try to find what he was posting. Figure out who lives at the addresses he went to. And if all else fails, ask him to take a polygraph test.

nekonamida posted 6/9/2020 17:31 PM

Also, you might want to look up what a missed connection is and why someone would reply to one. What's the point of replying if he had no intention of meeting up with the OW in question again? Did he ever tell you the outcome of if that potential OW was someone he met previously and how much they talked? I really think you're being played and your WH admitted to a lesser crime in order to keep you from finding out what really happened because none of the evidence you've found matches what he's telling you.

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