I do not want to get into all the gory details. It hurts to type out details and you all know what's what so it will be brief and get to my "questions" I would like some advice on.
20 years together, 2 kids. Always "perfect".
Found a receipt for a booking for a motel for a night she was going over a female friends house. Confronted, admitted to a one year affair, kicked her out. The night I had was unreal, like no other pain before. She had said some hurtful things when I confronted her and it didn't end well. (no shouting, no violence or anything).
In the morning I got a text that basically said she was the worst piece of human trash and the apologies started, they kept coming and coming, begging and pleading. I decided, sure, we can talk, come by after work, don't bring your pillow back. More texts... more and more distraught texts. She gets home, she does the song and dance about how she's a monster, she cries a lot. More than I have ever seen, the sobs were actually quite frightening. So, we talk and talk and talk. She stays that night, she stays home from work, we talk. She's not letting up.
A few days pass by, it's the same thing, me incredibly upset and distraught at random moments of the day, her sobbing uncontrollably. It's now been two weeks and we've had lots of hysterical bonding. She's still here, she's still sorry and we have talked about so many things and she can see the emotional toll and the extreme hurt and betrayal. I have poured my heart out and I have never seen her like this. She has not once shifted blame to me or even insinuated that anything was my fault. She confessed, on her own, that she realized when it became "real" (being over and leaving) that she understood that she wasn't happy, but not communicating it, she was bored, stagnant, and the little things that she did not communicate became big resentful things. It has all been "my" fault (hers). I know from reading a LOT of information online that this is a sign of true remorse. She is also not using these things as excuses, she is not excusing herself or justifying. When she told me these things, she prefaced with that.
Not a hint of blame for me or anything I did and she backtracked on the hurtful things she said and explained why she thought she felt that way and what burst out of her that night. She regularly bursts into tears and sobbing when we are talking (about anything) and or just hanging out. She hates herself, I can see it. The only thing she cannot answer is the true "why", she says she doesn't truly know.
She says it wasn't about him being better, more handsome, better built or whatever, it was just like I don't know I guess it felt nice to be desired and then, before I said anything, she said "and I know you have always given me that" and then burst into tears again and talked about hating herself.
She immediately cut it off that night, I know this is true because I am a literal digital detective, it's what I do and I didn't trust a word coming out of her mouth. I just hadn't seen the need to spy on my spouse before. I accessed her phone, facebook and email, I ignored all the texts they sent to each other and just focused on the last few. It was an emphatic ending, very abrupt, he didn't seem to care.
She also facebook texted a friend she was confiding in, in which I DID read their entire history. Her friend was encouraging her to divorce, the crap coming from that persons messages was infuriating, like she was cheering my wife on, the last text from my wife to her was "We are back together and going to work it out, you should have helped me with this". Her several "I'm sorry" responses have yet to be responded to.
She hadn't really texted or messaged anyone else about this situation so that's all I have to go on. It looks 100% genuine. I also read a draft she saved in her gmail, it was to me and it was heartfelt. She didn't send it I suppose because we'd talked about it all anyway.
Now we seem to be together, more so than ever... and I am "happy"? I am confused. She has let me ask her all the questions I needed to ask, seems to have been completely honest and we have connected like never before and we are like we were the first time we met. I am grappling with the stress and reality during the day (sometimes crying like a baby) and yet excited to see her come home and she rushes to me the second she comes home from work and then we talk, cuddle, and love.
Is this ok? I mean, is this possible?
I have loved this woman for over 20 years, every inch, every quirk, everything. I have gone through so many emotions but she is literally making me feel whole again, in just two short weeks. I know I will never forget, but is it possible I am already starting to forgive? Am I a doormat? Am I fooling myself to hold on?
Is this just something the betrayed sometimes go through when they love someone so much?