I just wanted to add a short update. I know this is fast moving according to everyone here.
I asked for two letters, one with the timeline, which I have not yet read. I asked her to be as painfully detailed as she can, without regard to my feelings when I read it. She hesitated but I explained why I needed to see it. I haven't received it yet, she is working on it.
The other a letter of why (all the why) and how she believes she feels now. She needs to rewrite it. It's incomplete but it's "good start".
She has also deleted all social media (no prompting, I didn't even suggest this), like all of it. Not just the apps, her actual accounts. She's gone from it, it's gone. (I verified it and have all the history saved) Her reasoning was focus on us and family and no distractions.
I installed ODBII GPS in her car and she installed tracking on her phone (did not tell her about the ODB). I printed out and we filled out, a post up. She had absolutely no problem with getting "nothing". It's a placeholder and needs to be checked by a lawyer but she doesn't really know that. We're going to a notary this weekend. Right before we get ready to go I'll tell her we need to have it double checked by a lawyer.
I have complete access to her phone, laptop, email without having to circuimvent now.
She called one of her friends for a recommendation for IC. That's in the works.
Without prompting, she told me she knows she's been an absentee monther and I can see that is weighing on her right now. She's been 100x more active with the family dynamic.
She is making all the right moves with concerns to obvious remorse. I am still getting a VAR, one is on order.
She had a breakdown last night, said she was holding it in because she didn't want me to think she was making it about her, told me she is sick to her stomach worrying about me while she is at work and truly hates herself, she wonders why I can still love her and doesn't feel worthy. I did not say "it's ok honey" or anthing like that. I know it's hard to believe from other perspectives, but I believe her. Doesn't change anything, but I believe her. I will never truly understand the duality going on, and maybe I will never trust her and maybe this will not work out, but I believe her.
So, anyway, just wanted to post some progress, some steps many have suggested. I reached the angry stage the other day full blast. I did NOT take it out on her, not that kind of person, just was kinda surprising to me.
I am looking at things a bit more objectvely. She could still be lying out her ass about everything. But hopefully that (my objectivity) continues and hopefully, if this is all real, I can move on, not sure I can or will yet, the angry phase opened up some things...
To everyone who has helped, thank you. That said, I would ask that you refrain from saying things like "but she fucked another guy for a year" or anything like that anymore, I am painfully aware. I will post here and hope for some sage advice but not interested in that kind of reminder. I hope you can understand.
I am aware, I am taking steps and I am no longer sure if this will work or if I truly want it to. I am over the lost puppy part, or at least I think I am.