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My 49(M) wife (46F) had a 1+ year affair I just found out about

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totallydumb posted 6/1/2020 19:42 PM

Hey Man,

Sorry you are here.

Your WW seems to be feeling sorry for herself and is having a great big pity party. This is not remorse.

A remorseful spouse is focused on healing the relationship. They ACTIVELY search out resources to help heal the relationship, like books, podcasts etc.

They take ACTION by finding a therapist who has experience dealing with infidelity and sets up her own individual counselling to help her figure out why she thought it was a good idea to have sex with another man while in a committed relationship with you.

She may even find a couples retreat that can help heal the relationship. There are numerous resources out there, she has to take ACTION to find them.

She should be leading the healing. From your posts, all she is doing is feeling sorry for herself, crying and complaining that she is a bad person etc.

Remember, she took a years worth of ACTIONS to be in the affair, can she put some EFFORT/ACTIONS into healing the relationship?

This can be viewed as consequences if you so choose, but I see it that the WW is focused on saving the marriage with as much enthusiasm as she had for the affair as a minimum.

particle posted 6/2/2020 07:32 AM

I am stepping away for a little while, at least I think I am. I need to process some things without any distractions. I am not saying this isn't helpful, it is, but I am getting slightly jumbled up and I need to focus for a bit.

Thanks for the help, I will be back soon. I can't thank you all enough for your input and feedback so far.

squid posted 6/2/2020 07:51 AM

Take care of yourself, particle.

tushnurse posted 6/2/2020 08:38 AM

Take care of you, make you the number one priority, then the kids, then your spouse.

Please know that while this is all new and overwhelming for you, that your relationship and your CS is not a special unicorn. There is a definite pattern when A's occur, and there are things all cheaters do, please learn from our mistakes.

((((And Strength))))

JS84 posted 6/2/2020 08:40 AM

Eat well, exercise, get good sleep (I know I know), and make sure you take care of yourself. Eventually you will get to a place where you'll be able to deal with this mentally and emotionally much easier. Just hang in there.

Westway posted 6/2/2020 09:59 AM

Good luck Particle. Remember that you don't need to make any concrete decisions now. Time is on your side. Take time and think it all through. Come back when you are ready.

redwing6 posted 6/2/2020 13:10 PM

Particle,
You said:

She had a plan, a plan that involved NOT getting caught and leaving me. SHE was going to leave, not ask me to leave, she was going to leave.

My take on this is that YOU are the back up plan. She decided you had the better deal...nice huh? Can you live with being the 2nd choice? Whether or not you R or D, that's the part I don't think you're thinking through. She did the research and was getting ready to leave (Plan A)...then "suddenly" decided to go with Plan B.

We all go through waves of anger and depression. Your anger isn't really coming through yet. It will. Trust me. When it does, it's going to be ugly...if I were you I would keep a VAR on myself at all times, just to be safe from a false DV charge.

At times we may sound angry with you...but the collective wisdom here is high. Very high. There is very little new under the sun seen here. As always, with the advice here, take what you can use and leave the rest.

Unsure2019 posted 6/2/2020 13:35 PM

Particle,

Do what you think is best for you in the moment. Thereís a lot of stuff coming at you. Just a word of caution. You donít need to answer anyone on here, but if you stop reading the collective wisdom offered here, itís more than likely that youíll make decisions that are not good for you or in your best interest. Itís human nature to just want to get through this and have it all go back to normal. IT CANíT AND IT NEVER WILL!

Buster123 posted 6/2/2020 15:21 PM

Like others said, take your time, remember the books recommended, we know it's difficult, we'll be here when you're ready to come back, good luck.

Buffer posted 6/2/2020 19:00 PM

Take care, focus, assume nothing, believe nothing and check everything.
One day at a time
Buffer

squid posted 6/2/2020 20:54 PM

I will say this...

At times like this, when there is so much cognitive dissonance going on in the brain, the BS will often default to what is most comfortable. AKA the WS had a momentary lapse of reason, they're back, and everything will be hunky-dory for here on out.

This can be a fatal mistake. This is the time to observe. Even more so, you must detach. Break away and observe. Engaging can often lead to more muddled judgement.

You two need to be on your separate journeys for a while.

Accidentaldiva posted 6/3/2020 20:36 PM

Hi Particle,
I read your original post and also saw that you are stepping away for a bit. First of all: I'm so sorry you are here! My DD was in April and I can honestly say it was one of the most traumatic things I've ever been through.

I don't blame you for being overwhelmed by all the different advice from so many different points of view. I have felt that way too.

I am writing because I feel like my situation parallels yours in some ways only with the genders of the WS and BS reversed. (I'm the BS). Like you, I have a spouse who very, very seriously betrayed my trust. Like you, I really believe my spouse to be sincerely remorseful and really not missing the AP at all. He has shown remorse with his words and actions and has done everything that I've asked him to do. He says he loves me more than ever and that he will continue to do anything to regain my love and trust. After my initial rage and grief, I also experienced this sort of weird euphoria. I am confident of my attractiveness, intelligence, success as a parent, successful career, general goodness as a human, etc. etc. (I think I read you saying something similar to this in one of your comments.) And I do still love him and think that he is a quality person over all despite the huge betrayal. I felt like maybe reconciliation would not be so difficult after all.

However, the euphoria wears off and you start to realize that things can't really be "normal" yet and that if your spouse is starting to act like they are normal you will find that you are pretty angry about that. (That's my experience anyway.)

IC has been vital for me. I hope it can help you too. If you find the advice on SI confusing at times, you can run it by your therapist once you find someone whose opinion you trust.

I hope this can be of some help. It is early days for me as well.

[This message edited by Accidentaldiva at 9:31 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 6/5/2020 14:53 PM

Please get a post-nuptial agreement in place ASAP. Protect your future. Your WW may be mother Teresa from here to death but given that you'll never know for sure, protect yourself with a post-nuptial agreement. Over time your WW may get tired of towing the line and it's not unusual for cheaters to repeat their behaviors after the dust settles. You'll thank yourself later. Simultaneously, you'll have some peace of mind on the legal front. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

particle posted 6/6/2020 06:57 AM

I just wanted to add a short update. I know this is fast moving according to everyone here.

I asked for two letters, one with the timeline, which I have not yet read. I asked her to be as painfully detailed as she can, without regard to my feelings when I read it. She hesitated but I explained why I needed to see it. I haven't received it yet, she is working on it.

The other a letter of why (all the why) and how she believes she feels now. She needs to rewrite it. It's incomplete but it's "good start".

She has also deleted all social media (no prompting, I didn't even suggest this), like all of it. Not just the apps, her actual accounts. She's gone from it, it's gone. (I verified it and have all the history saved) Her reasoning was focus on us and family and no distractions.

I installed ODBII GPS in her car and she installed tracking on her phone (did not tell her about the ODB). I printed out and we filled out, a post up. She had absolutely no problem with getting "nothing". It's a placeholder and needs to be checked by a lawyer but she doesn't really know that. We're going to a notary this weekend. Right before we get ready to go I'll tell her we need to have it double checked by a lawyer.

I have complete access to her phone, laptop, email without having to circuimvent now.

She called one of her friends for a recommendation for IC. That's in the works.

Without prompting, she told me she knows she's been an absentee monther and I can see that is weighing on her right now. She's been 100x more active with the family dynamic.

She is making all the right moves with concerns to obvious remorse. I am still getting a VAR, one is on order.

She had a breakdown last night, said she was holding it in because she didn't want me to think she was making it about her, told me she is sick to her stomach worrying about me while she is at work and truly hates herself, she wonders why I can still love her and doesn't feel worthy. I did not say "it's ok honey" or anthing like that. I know it's hard to believe from other perspectives, but I believe her. Doesn't change anything, but I believe her. I will never truly understand the duality going on, and maybe I will never trust her and maybe this will not work out, but I believe her.


So, anyway, just wanted to post some progress, some steps many have suggested. I reached the angry stage the other day full blast. I did NOT take it out on her, not that kind of person, just was kinda surprising to me.

I am looking at things a bit more objectvely. She could still be lying out her ass about everything. But hopefully that (my objectivity) continues and hopefully, if this is all real, I can move on, not sure I can or will yet, the angry phase opened up some things...

To everyone who has helped, thank you. That said, I would ask that you refrain from saying things like "but she fucked another guy for a year" or anything like that anymore, I am painfully aware. I will post here and hope for some sage advice but not interested in that kind of reminder. I hope you can understand.

I am aware, I am taking steps and I am no longer sure if this will work or if I truly want it to. I am over the lost puppy part, or at least I think I am.

ShutterHappy posted 6/6/2020 08:45 AM

If sheís doing the work, that gives you the option of R or D.

You donít have to R, but you have this option. Hopefully her commitment will last.

Do you have a list of requirements to make R acceptable?

Butforthegrace posted 6/6/2020 09:04 AM

If there is one truth from SI, it's this: there is no such thing as an "infidelity bingo". You come here with your checklists as if you're seeking this group's confirmation that your marriage, as opposed to every other marriage, has slipped through a wormhole and is magically healed in the blink of an eye.

Time is a truth teller. Many WS's, when caught, engage in a whirlwind of "family" energy as CYA. Once the panic wears off and the reality of quotidian lived life sets it, then you can see if she is truly dedicated to the family and to you.

Then there is your own emotional rollercoaster, ultimately ending in the Plain of Lethal Flatness: that point at which you realize that your reality, if you stay with her, is that for the rest of your life you will look at her, possibly daily, and have mental images of her fucking another man.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:53 AM, June 6th (Saturday)]

BeyondRage posted 6/6/2020 09:57 AM

Particle

She is making all the right moves with concerns to obvious remorse. I am still getting a VAR, one is on order.

Very smart move. Without getting into any gory details, but sorry, this INSTANT remorse is at present still CYA. of course she is going to do ANYTHING you tell her now, plus whatever she can think of that you do not tell her. Some of it is good. Still no offer of a polygraph though. If I missed that I apologize.

getting to the ANGER stage is good for YOU.

I do not believe your wife is going to go out and cheat again now. But i do believe there is a good chance she is going to be "tested" by OM.
And I am not sure how you are going to monitor her work phone, and he knows where she works and knows how to contact her.

Lets leave your wife aside for a moment. You're a single guy, with according to your wife no girlfriend and your steady no strings sex buddy has just been discovered by her husband.

What bothers me about his reaction is his nonchalantly saying Ok and thats it. Sorry, that does not sound like the reaction most single guys banging a married woman for a year would say.

Do you really believe he will not try to go "fishing". And are you so trusting that she is going to tell you that he has contacted her either directly or through someone else at work. You already know one friend was actively encouraging her to dump you.

You are navigating this well and thoughtfully but you could ask four very simple questions at some point on a polygraph and most likely get whether she is being truthful. Or you can rely on her word unless you have some way to monitor her work.

The VAR will let you know if she is talking to anyone about this. I doubt the OM will call her on a number he believes you might have access to.

Unsure2019 posted 6/6/2020 10:09 AM

Particle,

Thanks for the update and glad youíre back. This post shows that youíve listened to the collective wisdom here, taken what you need and are moving forward decisively. Itís clear youíre stronger and are making all the right moves. Really glad to see that. Itís been my experience that many posters, including myself at times, use ďgraphic languageĒ in reminding the BS what the WW did to get their attention and shake them out of a fog or a desire to rug sweep. Going forward, I donít think that those kind of comments are needed and I would hope we donít see them.

One thing, and I think Iíve said this before, I would strongly have your WW read you her timeline outload. This will be painful for you, but it will go a long way in helping your WW see and internalize the damage she has done and strip away any remaining fantasies associated with the year long A. Stay strong, youíre doing great.

PS - Beyond Rage makes excellent poits. Liaten to him! I would recommend you read his entire thread. It's "tectbook". And, to give you some hope, he is in R.

puffstuff posted 6/6/2020 10:24 AM

Hi there, sorry you are going through this.

My wife ran off with her new man a year ago. Remorse? She smirked at me when she told me. Has never even said sorry for hurting me. An empty person.

I would never take her back.

Which leads me to my next point - putting aside your wife's levels of remorse, action, etc... Have you seriously thought whether she is something you actually want back? I realised after a while, it took a few months, that the OM had in fact "won" my wife and he was, actually, damn welcome to her. But it took a few months of no contact for me to see how deep in denial I was. We were doomed from the start.

Good luck pal.

vatoloco posted 6/6/2020 11:18 AM

Friend:

All the luck and the only thing that I desire is the pain that our wife has given us, has no comparison.

I only wish the best to you ...

Be sure to listen to the wise people on this site, they help to save pain ....

Greetings

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