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Just Found Out :
My 49(M) wife (46F) had a 1+ year affair I just found out about

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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 2:20 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

I do not want to get into all the gory details. It hurts to type out details and you all know what's what so it will be brief and get to my "questions" I would like some advice on.

20 years together, 2 kids. Always "perfect".

Found a receipt for a booking for a motel for a night she was going over a female friends house. Confronted, admitted to a one year affair, kicked her out. The night I had was unreal, like no other pain before. She had said some hurtful things when I confronted her and it didn't end well. (no shouting, no violence or anything).

In the morning I got a text that basically said she was the worst piece of human trash and the apologies started, they kept coming and coming, begging and pleading. I decided, sure, we can talk, come by after work, don't bring your pillow back. More texts... more and more distraught texts. She gets home, she does the song and dance about how she's a monster, she cries a lot. More than I have ever seen, the sobs were actually quite frightening. So, we talk and talk and talk. She stays that night, she stays home from work, we talk. She's not letting up.

A few days pass by, it's the same thing, me incredibly upset and distraught at random moments of the day, her sobbing uncontrollably. It's now been two weeks and we've had lots of hysterical bonding. She's still here, she's still sorry and we have talked about so many things and she can see the emotional toll and the extreme hurt and betrayal. I have poured my heart out and I have never seen her like this. She has not once shifted blame to me or even insinuated that anything was my fault. She confessed, on her own, that she realized when it became "real" (being over and leaving) that she understood that she wasn't happy, but not communicating it, she was bored, stagnant, and the little things that she did not communicate became big resentful things. It has all been "my" fault (hers). I know from reading a LOT of information online that this is a sign of true remorse. She is also not using these things as excuses, she is not excusing herself or justifying. When she told me these things, she prefaced with that.

Not a hint of blame for me or anything I did and she backtracked on the hurtful things she said and explained why she thought she felt that way and what burst out of her that night. She regularly bursts into tears and sobbing when we are talking (about anything) and or just hanging out. She hates herself, I can see it. The only thing she cannot answer is the true "why", she says she doesn't truly know.

She says it wasn't about him being better, more handsome, better built or whatever, it was just like I don't know I guess it felt nice to be desired and then, before I said anything, she said "and I know you have always given me that" and then burst into tears again and talked about hating herself.

She immediately cut it off that night, I know this is true because I am a literal digital detective, it's what I do and I didn't trust a word coming out of her mouth. I just hadn't seen the need to spy on my spouse before. I accessed her phone, facebook and email, I ignored all the texts they sent to each other and just focused on the last few. It was an emphatic ending, very abrupt, he didn't seem to care.

She also facebook texted a friend she was confiding in, in which I DID read their entire history. Her friend was encouraging her to divorce, the crap coming from that persons messages was infuriating, like she was cheering my wife on, the last text from my wife to her was "We are back together and going to work it out, you should have helped me with this". Her several "I'm sorry" responses have yet to be responded to.

She hadn't really texted or messaged anyone else about this situation so that's all I have to go on. It looks 100% genuine. I also read a draft she saved in her gmail, it was to me and it was heartfelt. She didn't send it I suppose because we'd talked about it all anyway.

Now we seem to be together, more so than ever... and I am "happy"? I am confused. She has let me ask her all the questions I needed to ask, seems to have been completely honest and we have connected like never before and we are like we were the first time we met. I am grappling with the stress and reality during the day (sometimes crying like a baby) and yet excited to see her come home and she rushes to me the second she comes home from work and then we talk, cuddle, and love.

Is this ok? I mean, is this possible?

I have loved this woman for over 20 years, every inch, every quirk, everything. I have gone through so many emotions but she is literally making me feel whole again, in just two short weeks. I know I will never forget, but is it possible I am already starting to forgive? Am I a doormat? Am I fooling myself to hold on?

Is this just something the betrayed sometimes go through when they love someone so much?

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 2:33 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

After the words, feelings, and sobbing, the next step that indicates true R is continuous action in the right direction. Action not words. From what you've posted so far it seems that she's already doing some of that. I question though a 1+ year affair ending just like that.

Hysterical bonding is quite normal in the beginning. Btw how old are your children? Is the OM married?

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1114   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8546753
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 2:47 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Hello Particle. Sorry you are in the situation you are, but glad you found this site.

I don’t feel far enough along in my own journey to offer much advice, but I will say only being a couple of weeks in, you’re likely still in shock. We were hysterically bonding, still are to a point, at that time, and I felt like it wasn’t going to be that hard to forgive and move on. As time went on, the more I sat with it, the anger really hit. The reality of the devastation my WH caused me, all for his own selfishness, set in. I began to grieve who I thought he was, what I thought my marriage was, and that my life was going to be different no matter the outcome. Unfortunately, I would say be prepared to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. Unless you rugsweep, you’re going to deal with anger, grief, hurt, and a myriad of other emotions. I was not fully prepared for the journey I was about to go on, so I don’t want you to be shocked when you wake up one day mad enough to “throat punch the world” if you will. Lol hope you stay around here. It’s good to not feel alone, when that’s all you feel in real life.

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

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id 8546756
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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 2:52 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

OM not married. Basically a man child from what I know (details I did not share) I questioned it as well, until I looked, and while, sure, it could have been staged, there is no time for her to go anywhere and I now have GPS on the phone and car.

That can be circumvented I know...

I am hyperaware, any deviation will end it, she is well aware of this. She can't text or send any messages without me knowing if I choose to look. She's also willing to have these controls on her. Not a peep of resistance to the suggestions.

For the kids, one adult living with us and one teen.

She didn't come back to me for money or security, I am well off, I have built (and sold) a very successful business, she could have walked away from this without financial worry for at least a while. I actually offered her a 50/50 split that night, no fuss. So fear of being poor or having a hard time wasn't a consideration and she could have supported that asshat if she wanted to.

I don't see any valid reason for being with me other than it was a huge mistake and she's remorseful and loves me.

Thanks for responding.

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
id 8546757
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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 2:53 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

thank you Underserving

I do feel like one of these days I am going to go break a hand on a tree or something.

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 2:56 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Particle,

OK, first things first. Your post did not say a couple of things.

(1) who was the OM, work colleague or how she got involved with him. That matters. Workplace affairs are the hardest to stop and have the best chance to reignite if they see each other every day all day long.

(2) was OM married or single, which YOU need to confirm but probably know if you are a digital detective. If he is married it is very important you tell his wife for numerous reasons that others I am sure will elaborate on.

(3) this :friend" has to go completely out of her life, period. The e mail she sent does not indicate that.

Your wife should be being proactive not you having to dig out the details, so I will tell you what remorse looks like in my opinion.

My wife did NOT have a year long affair with one OM. She banged two different guys almost twenty years younger than her that she ran races with a total of seven times. I, like you had her leave when i caught her.

once I let her back in the house, she did the following

(1) gave me her journal going back years

(2) provided me with the passwords and e mail history of all of her accounts and social media. i did not have to ask for it.

(3) immediately gave up her running hobby that had put her through college and that she had done all of her life basically

(4) cancelled all girls trips and nights that she had committed to

(5) offered to take polygraph tests anytime and as many as I asked for, which I did a month later and she passed.

(6) like you never blamed me, admitted how it happened, why she did it, and took the blame.

Now your situation is a bit different because there obviously more attachment to this guy. You will be told I am sure if they work together that one of them has to leave. If that is not possible for whatever reason, exposing it to his spouse is your best action.

And do not for one minute believe that because he appeared to show no emotion because he realized she was caught, that at some point in the future he will not come "fishing" to see how its going. That is less likely to happen if he is fighting his ass off to save his marriage.

Others I am sure more experienced here will offer their thoughts. Good luck to you.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

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Okguy ( new member #74455) posted at 3:01 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Everyone deserves a second chance, everyone makes mistakes, get tested for STDs, possibly go to an escort for vindication. This let's the spouse know they are replaceable. Then work on regulation. Also make her pay back any money she spent on the affair.

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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

possibly go to an escort for vindication. This let's the spouse know they are replaceable.

Definitely don’t do this.

BW (32)
Found out 3 years post end of A
D-day 12-9-19
Meh-ing through R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

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id 8546763
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 3:16 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Your WW is showing all the things we look for in a possibility for R.

She got wrapped up in "this thing" that was fun and intriguing at first and she sounds like she kept going in it as it became a living hell. She probably has an incredible sense of relief that it's over.

It's a pain greater than any of us will ever have to endure aside from the death of a child. That, you have to deal with and live with. It will diminish over time.

Make sure you find out everything you want to know, the timeline and specifically what is she going to do to fix herself. This started somehow...an old friend, a kewl dude she met, someone who just hit on her... something was missing and she went for it. That has to be dealt with. There's a big difference between having passing fantasies and doing the dirty for a year.

I got through one of these myself. It's still with me, but I live with it. Winding it back, yeah, I'd go R again, all said and done.

She does sound very very real.

The toxic friend cheerleading her cheating and calling for the end your marriage has to be in the rear view mirror. That "friend" is completely ok that your M would be over and your WW would go off to nirvana land with dude and unicorns and life of love and joy into eternity. She has to go.

It's now about you trying to adjust to the new M you're in and living with this mess and it's about HER trying to understand what the ffff really happened here. How did it start, who said what, where they went, the details of the real progression to hell.

Good Luck.

I'm just about sure you're going to make it.

Edited to add... The worst advice you got on this thread, by far, is the suggestion of a revenge affair (RA). That would be the biggest mistake of your life.

[This message edited by rugswept at 9:17 AM, May 29th (Friday)]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

BeyondRage -

She got involved at school, she was finishing her degree. Not a work thing.

He is single, has a roommate, this is confirmed, roommate is a guy. I checked for just this reason because first, she would be lying again, second I would have told the spouse.

I cannot control, nor will I try to control, her friends. That said, I am going to watch it.

If this OM comes around, he's going to have a bad day and I am not being Mr. Internet Tough Guy, I was in the UFC when it started and I'm not at all out of shape or practice and that would be something I couldn't possibly control.

okguy -

I have been tested, I am in the clear. (she's also getting tested) I have no desire to sleep with anyone else. Sexual revenge just lessons the severity IMO. Tit for tat and all things now being equal is not what I am looking for. I cannot cheat on my wife, it's physically impossible for me. Our money is our money, she cannot technically pay me back. if something happens after all this, you can be sure she will be paying me back though.

I just want to say, this ordeal has opened my eyes to the kind of person I am, I always thought I was lacking, just ho hum, run of the mill. But I am starting to realize that I am not. I am good looking, tall, fit, successful, nice, funny, outgoing, loving and empathetic. I have quirks sure and clearly I gave my spouse the impression she couldn't communicate but I am a goddamn catch. I am going to work on my faults but celebrate my positives.

Just typing all this out helps so much, I am so thankful this website exists.

posts: 44   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2020
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Okokok ( member #56594) posted at 4:09 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Everyone deserves a second chance, everyone makes mistakes, get tested for STDs, possibly go to an escort for vindication. This let's the spouse know they are replaceable.

Glad to hear you're not following this advice. If you ever *do* decide you want to sleep with someone else, divorce your wife first.

I have to say, you sound like you're in a very good headspace to move forward from here. Way ahead of most people, myself included in the wake of DDay. Good for you.

So what do you need from here? Are you just taking time to decide what you want? How long ago was DDay?

I agree that your wife is doing everything "right" based on what you've shared. This can make reconciliation a solid possibility for you if that's what you want. You can of course get great support here no matter if you decide to reconcile or divorce. Just glad you're not staying in infidelity.

Erstwhile BH and BBF. Always healing.

Divorced dad with little kids.

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Massachusetts
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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 4:19 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Okokok -

What do I want from here? A voice, a place I can says things. I do not have any friends, that business I spoke of is something I put 7 long years into, and with family, no time for friendships.

The only other person I have told is my brother who is 100's of miles away and he talked me off a ledge that first day.

So, a voice to share to and a voice to listen? Someone to tell me it's ok to be upset, or not to be or just read what I have to say, other people...

That said, being ahead of others at this point is what I am most worried about, it seems I am not in the OMFG stage anymore and I feel I should be? I am a logical person but this is not logical at all.

[This message edited by particle at 10:20 AM, May 29th (Friday)]

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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 4:40 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Hi particle,

You are doing fine. Your WW has done most everything that everyone here says they need to see to call it remorse. You have a good shot at reconciliation I think if that is what you want. I think many might think that she spent the night away from you being turned down by the OM and that has a lot to do with her abrupt change of heart in the morning but if you are confident that you know that didn't happen then you'll be fine.

I do think your anger will come again as will some self-doubt. It comes in waves so even if you feel good now it is not necessarily a linear journey that will just progress every day and improve. You may go all the way back to go at some point. Anniversaries of things related to the A and your life over the past year have a way of doing that.

Have you asked your WW for a very detailed timeline, for everything she can remember about how it happened, what led to what, how often they met, what she told you? Etc.? Like when she was with him what did you think she was doing? What things did she skip to make this work? I do think a full timeline while this early stage is going on, written down and discussed, will be helpful because later triggers can really set you back. I remember for example that a few years after D-Day my WW and I went to a park that as far as I knew we had never been to. She knew exactly where to go in the park to get to the particular shelter that this party was in. I asked, "have we been here before? I don't remember this place." and all of a sudden we both realized this was one of the places she and the OM had met for sex. Somewhat ruined the day for me to say the least.

If I had known ahead of time I would have decided to not go or at least been prepared. She would have known to be looking for a trigger. It would have gone better. I don't know if you want all of the details of sex acts and the like, some do, but I do think a good outline of what happened and when would be really helpful to have,

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Okokok ( member #56594) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

What do I want from here? A voice, a place I can says things. I do not have any friends, that business I spoke of is something I put 7 long years into, and with family, no time for friendships.

Sorry, I worded that poorly. I meant to say something like: what do you want in your life/marriage as you move forward from here on out?

I'm very aware of what you want from this group! Which is a great group by the way, and I'm glad you've found us. We can absolutely be your sounding board, guiding light, shoulder to cry on, etc. We've all been there, one way or another, and we're all still here for a reason.

That said, being ahead of others at this point is what I am most worried about, it seems I am not in the OMFG stage anymore and I feel I should be? I am a logical person but this is not logical at all.

While 99% of the time, these things follow very predictable patterns, everyone's general timeline does tend to look a bit different.

I never had a remorseful wife, so I can't speak from much experience in the reconciliation department, but from what I've observed over the years, if a WS is doing *absolutely everything* to show remorse, it certainly quells *some* (not all) of the BS's anxieties. Doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing ahead, but from what you've shared your wife is doing a lot of "good" things right now, which on some level has probably put you on a fast track.

The general consensus is that healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years, and that reconciliation can be done in that timeframe with two hardworking partners who want it.

No guarantees, of course. You still have plenty of work to do, as does WW, and there will be many ups and downs along the way. But if the A is over and WW is putting the work in, it makes sense that you're not in the OMFG stage as much as you were on Day 1.

Erstwhile BH and BBF. Always healing.

Divorced dad with little kids.

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Massachusetts
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cannotforgive ( member #43367) posted at 4:50 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Particle, reconciliation is a roller coaster.You seem to be up at the moment, however, there will be days different from now.

You have not hit the rage stage yet. Tricke truth is horrible and hysterical bonding does not last long....

I suggest you find an IC for yourself and your wife does this too, which will help you process new feelings and deal with any future obstacles.

Wish you all the best.

BS

posts: 858   ·   registered: May. 8th, 2014   ·   location: Europe
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 4:58 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

Particle, my word for you is "time".

You have a lot of rollercoaster emotions to process in the next 2-5 years. Just let it play out- there's really no other way.

Also, she needs time as well to fully learn the "why" of all this. Plus, how will she make, and maintain, permanent change within herself. I maintain (based on an article years ago in Psychology Today) that most betrayals are habitual, similar to alcoholism. She may need counseling and a program for many, many years to come.

Also, don't rug sweep anything. 100% open and transparent communication is mandatory for a successful reconciliation.

Lastly, someone here once posted that to save a marriage, you have to risk losing it. It's a marathon and not a sprint. As time goes along, think of how you want your life to look like 3, 5, 10 years down the road. Is it with her? If so, work towards R if you can.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4455   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 5:06 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

beenthereinco -

Thank you.

What others think might have happened is really irrelevant, it only matters what I think. That said, there would be no reason for the OM to turn her down, they were literally on a sex date when I texted her to come home immediately. I caught her, she came home at my repeated instance and then she said hurtful things and I kicked her out while she was crying uncontrollably.

I left out the part when I systematically tore down her plans and her self told lies. So that definitely started the hyperventilating on her part. I can 100% see why the last person she would go to would be the OM in that situation, cheater or not. Plus she had no idea if I would follow her and she was under the impression, at least right then, that I knew everything and the other last thing she would want is me finding OM that night. She knows me. I would have gone to jail.

If anything OM would have tried to console her, but then, this is moot, I knew where she was at that point and she went exactly where she said she was going. (a different F friend than the one I posted about)

I guess I should have written a longer intro post, to save from speculation but I just didn't have the will to write it all down, it's a lot worse when it's in words. I have written it down, several times, just did not want to do it again.

I very much appreciate those telling me that I will experience pop up grief etc over time, that's going to help when the time comes. I already know what some triggers will be so hopefully I can work that.

She went to her friends last night for a short time to help her with her kid (who is a mess) and she called me from there, stayed there (I checked) and called me when she got there and before she left, but still she used the same words as before "I am going to Katie's, be back later babe" and as soon as she left, my heart rate skyrocketed. So yeah, there's going to be lots of triggers.

Other than the details of what made OM so attractive to her (physically and emotionally) I really do not want to know the nitty gritty, I already have movies playing in my head and I know how affairs start and how they progress. It's human nature. You flirt, you compliment, the wink and the nod, then just coffee to talk, then it's kissing in the car and the woman gives bj until she suggests a place to go for the night so she can get something out of it. That's my internal terror and I don't want it fueled by facts. I mean, hell now my heartrate is skyrocketing just typing it out. Geeshe.

I know what she told me, I remember all the "I gotta go here" stuff. Mixed in was some truth, but most of it false, all of it obvious to a blind goat now. So, again, lots of triggers.

I do believe I am in a good head space and I do believe her and the start of a new relationship, the only thing I cannot be sure of is if this is real, real for her, real for me. She swears it is and is doing everything to prove it, I feel it is but...

Uggggh

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 particle (original poster new member #74493) posted at 5:12 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

thatbpguy -

"Also, she needs time as well to fully learn the "why" of all this"

I agree, it's what I am really trying to get across, she needs to understand what brought her to do this and not just surface details, all of it. She's getting there but I won't be satisfied until I get it all. We made progress on that particular bit last night.

However, it's still all coming down to mostly "I (her) am an asshole and a bad person", which isn't helpful. She's not being coy or anything, I can see and hear the turmoil. I don't think she truly knows yet but I will be sure to mention it to her tonight that we need to find the root cause. (her root cause, not involving me)

Conversation is helping a LOT, thanks everyone.

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:16 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

If your wife’s actions over time are showing you she’s willing to work hard and make amends — then you can recover from The affair.

We were able to R as he told me that day he wanted a Divorce. Hours later he was begging me to R.

All I can say is 7 years later and he has worked hard to make amends. Every day. Consistent behavior.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:16 AM, May 29th (Friday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:28 PM on Friday, May 29th, 2020

I honestly think she won’t be able to fully analyze why she did what she did unless she works with a professional therapist that specializes in Infidelity. If you are not going to require anything else of her, that’s the one thing you should.

You come off as very confident and that is good in some ways but also could make you skip some steps if you don’t watch out.

For instance, your WW should want to end her relationship with the cheerleader friend, for you, Your marriage and yourself. And if she cannot make that decision then that should tell you something about her and her commitment to an honest life here on out.

There’s lots more, but to me the most important thing she can do is start working with an individual counselor. I hope you will at least require that.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

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