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Ok guys..this is a depressing week for me. Divorce settlement is ready, which means we’re about a week or two away from it being final.

So. In my depression, I signed up for 6mo on match! Very impulsively. And I have NO idea what I’m doing!

I’ve gotten 50 likes or so, and a dozen messages. Most of the messages are basic, with little effort out into them. Just “hi” or “how was your day?”

How on earth does this work? Am I supposed to go through and like some of my likes back?? Is it worth responding to the messages with no effort?

How quickly should I respond? How does this usually go?

Help!

Hi Sickandafraid,

You shouldn't be depressed which I know is silly to say but your whole life is now ahead of you. You get to take all the crap you learned going through the betrayal and start over with a new guy that you won't make the same mistakes with. It's a good thing, your past is your past, you have your future waiting for you.

Welcome to the world of dating.

You are a female based on your profile so you are in the drivers seat.

Being a dude I will tell you how I do it.

I look through profiles of what match sends me, I am very specific on what I am looking for so whatever your criteria is start there.

I created a customer search with my criteria as well and check that from time to time.

If I find a women I am interested in I like her, If she likes me back I send her a message.

I get lots of messages from women that I have zero interest in. I don't respond to them.

As far as timeliness of responding that is up to you and your schedule. I tend to respond quickly but I am on the guy side, women are well, women, if I am talking to one and she starts taking longer and longer to reply I match her response time but I would say respond when you want, you have a life outside of dating.

It's a numbers game from a man's side from the female side you have the vagina so you make the rules.

If you see a man that is handsome to you check out his profile. Read what he wrote about himself and what he is looking for, if its boring or bland pass. If you like it look at his pictures.

Most pictures are old, if there isn't a full body shot expect him to be over weight. Most will have a dog in the picture because women are more trusting of men that like animals so beware.

If he passes all of those like him back and see what he sends as a message.

Don't message them first.

You will get overwhelmed with messages and likes, be selective.

Talk to them for a few days on the messenger and if it goes well they will ask for your number to text.

I prefer texting but some women are uncomfortable with giving out that number. It's up to you.

Take it slow and ask the questions you want to know the answers to, be careful here though, the questions you ask will tell a lot about you and your previous relationships. You don't want to ask obvious stuff, are you loyal, have you ever cheated, do you like to lie, be vague but try and get to the heart of what you want.

Don't make the dude ask all the questions, if you don't ask any questions you won't seem to be interested in him so he will stop sending them after a while.

Meet for coffee for the first "date" so you can see if there is a connection.

Don't talk about your exe ever, well not ever but not for a while. If they ask why you are single just say something generic. Yeah I was married, we grew apart, no details not yet. It is tough and often times you find someone that is not ready to date and you end up just reliving your crappy relationships with a stranger, it's not healthy.

You can pm me for any other questions if you want. But I will try and check back here if you have any followups.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 7:34 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

Sorry for everything-

Thank you!!! So what do you do if you get in a conversation with someone who’s a dud?! Meaning- they ask you no questions in their responses .. not much of a personality.

How do you politely end the conversation?

Sick,

I’m fairly new to match and OKcupid and guessing that I am quite a bit older than you too.

Do u have a paid membership? Listen to the match talks where your profile is. basic but a good place to start.

Do not get into long email exchanges, it is recommended coffee or wine within a week or move on. I politely tell someone I really do not have the bandwidth for the cryptic back/forth. It honestly feels like passing notes in jr high school!

Download a free app that lets you get a second telephone number. You can also use *67 to call and it will block your number but it does not work w texting if I recall.

Be very skeptical of profiles w a single pic and very few details. And just the opposite. Be skeptical of the profile of a very handsome guy that has wayyyy too many details and sounds like his profile was written by a woman. It likely was and they are both probably fake profiles.

Finally, this could be an age thing for 50+ men but I have NEVER seen so many widowers. Again, I’m skeptical.

Say you don’t feel like we would be a match, good luck with your search. If they come back with anything except take care, you too.... block them immediately.

Good luck, again I’m older, financially stable, fit, no children and I thought I was reasonably attractive. I can’t get a date to save my life...unless I want someone 60+!!

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 9:40 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

Most of the messages are basic, with little effort out into them. Just “hi” or “how was your day?”

Can someone explain to me how I'm supposed to open a conversation with someone I've never met, and know very little about...who may/may not respond back?

I've seen this often - the opening statement was weak.

What exactly are we supposed to say?

OP - what would you open with?

What exactly are we supposed to say?

If the person has written nothing of interest (creative, funny, etc.) to you in their profile or has no pictures that you can make an appropriate comment on other than their appearance... are they really that interesting to you?

I mention I love hockey...but also have a picture of me in a gown on opening night of the Opera. Pretty wide topics for discussion.

I mention I enjoy live music venues. Ask me which bands I’ve heard there. Most famous person I’ve met? Mohammed Ali.

I’ve been told and can see this by my own profile... most men do not even open my profile before they like me. It is a numbers game. Click click click. If I like them back....then they will open my profile. That is not 100% of the time, but close.

I’m methodical. I’ve kinda got this game figured out in a very short time. It is cheap entertainment and I’m not putting a lot of emotion into it.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 9:39 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

I am pretty transparent when it comes to duds. If I am asking all the questions and they aren't offering any I just say.

Hey,

It was great chatting with you but you don't seem to be very interested in learning about me so I will say it was nice to meet you but I don't think there is really a spark here. I wish you the best of luck in your search.

And then just delete the messages and don't respond if they send you another one.

I am a one and done, there are too many options to waste time with someone that isn't going to turn into anything.

I will say that most men want to focus on keeping the conversation light and make you laugh, you know the way to nudity is laughter, or maybe that is just what I read somewhere, I waffle between keeping it funny and light with some questions but I am probably different than most of the men on Match, or at least I have been told that.

My profile is pretty long, I can post it if you want to see it but I wrote it, not women involved, but maybe it's bad. I don't know.

Worndown, ooops, saw you were a dude, but still I figured I would keep the advice up.

Most of my messages are always a Hi, I don't want to invest a lot of effort into a message of some length if the chances of a reply are slim. all you have to do is reply Hi and then I will write a longer message, or maybe a how's your day, blah blah, the open rate is so low for men since there are way more guys on match than women. Plus as I said, women are in the drivers seat so they can sort through them, and from what I have heard you tend to get way more than I do. For every message I get from a woman you probably get 20 or 30 from men.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 9:52 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

double post

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 9:41 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

This is just all so mind blowing.

You’re saying there’s more men than women on these sites? Crazy. Also... the whole concept is so .. crazy..

And - how many people do you typically “work with” at any give time?? The whole thing feels so off doesn’t it? Chatting with multiple people and having those balls in the air. It’s hard to keep track already and I just started!

And how soon should you like someone who liked you??

I imagine this is how our waywards felt and lived!!!!

It is VERY overwhelming at first!!! I did OLD off and on for a few years.

First tip - just remember you are not committed to anything just because you signed up. When it became 'too much' I would take down my profile for a while and regroup.

I am concerned about the timing of you signing up. Meaning, you said you are feeling depressed right now. Broken will attract broken - so if you feel you are not ready, give yourself whatever time you need.

You will get esteem boosts on OLD right now that is VERY powerful when you are right at the end of your D process. Be watchful of that because many of us (ME) enter into a new relationship and overlook some yellow flags because of that high.

Ok - now that I am done with all my disclaimers ….

And - how many people do you typically “work with” at any give time??

Once I actually met the person; I was strictly a one-person at a time person. That is just what I was comfortable with.

The whole thing feels so off doesn’t it? Chatting with multiple people and having those balls in the air. It’s hard to keep track already and I just started!

This is going to sound funny - but my cousin actually kept a notebook. It sounds like overkill right now but as you go through this and sort out the potentials, it will help you. Cause...sure enough...someone will circle back to you 3 years from now and you will want to remember why you wrote them off prior.

And how soon should you like someone who liked you??

If you checked out their profile and it is someone you are interested in, then as soon as you want. Many ppl are glued to their phones and get instant updates so it is not unusual to get an instant response.

Is it worth responding to the messages with no effort?

Depends. Look at their profile. If they look interesting, then I would do a reply and see what you get back. If it still lacks effort; then I would stop. I didn't really write off someone for a first message being simplistic. Now if their profile was equally as bland, then yes.

How do you politely end the conversation?

If they are not asking you any questions back, then just don't reply and see what happens.

If you are not interested and they keep messaging you then I would send a very basic message like "Nice chatting with you, good luck on your endeavors".

Give yourself time to navigate it. It can be tremendously fun when you have the right mindset.

I would defer to the females on the site to answer most of your questions but from my perspective I normally am talking to 5 women on line and then a few in real life, it's fishing for me since I won't settle again so there is a lot of sorting.

It is hard at times to keep all the stories straight and most of the time I just follow the same pattern telling the same stories over and over again depending on where I am in the interaction process.

Once I get a comfort level built I usually go for a IRL meeting. I try to do that within a week to keep the momentum going.

It is different for men since we have to find the right balance and as I have said women are pretty much in control during most all of this.

I cut ties pretty quickly if I see a red flag.

I have been on match for a little over a month. It might be too soon for me as well but I feel that at least I am getting practice since I have been off the market for 7 years.

I might come across as the worst to the women on the site but that really isn't my intention. I am just telling you how I go about it.

Both women I met in real life turned out to be super nice but there was zero chemistry. That could be because I am not ready but it could just be that they aren't what I am looking for.

Like everyone said, it really is up to you what you do with it. Most guys fish a lot because we have to, women come and go and get distracted so if we truly want someone to hang out with it takes a lot of sifting.

I mixed metaphors there, maybe I should fix that, nah.

From my side the rejection is the hardest part because it tends to poke my wound but I don't know if you will have the same sting as I get.

I think it's good you are on there because at the very least you are seeing that you are still attractive and desirable to men, which is a good reminder that even though we had shitty partners with our last relationship we aren't damaged or broken toys that no one wants to play with.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 7:53 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

Ok guys..this is a depressing week for me. Divorce settlement is ready, which means we’re about a week or two away from it being final.

So. In my depression, I signed up for 6mo on match! Very impulsively. And I have NO idea what I’m doing!

Hi Sickandafraid. Just a friendly thought but you're not even divorced and yet despite being depressed you've impulsively signed up to a dating site. That doesn't make for a great start to finding a good partner imo. How would you feel about stepping away from dating until you're feeling less depressed and impulsive? Sorry to put a dampener on things but jumping into a new relationship to simply fill a void isn't the best way to go and also makes you vulnerable to predators. How do I know? Because I've been there!

Best wishes.

It's a numbers game from a man's side from the female side you have the vagina so you make the rules.

this is.... disheartening.

this is.... disheartening.

Indeed.

I suppose but seems odd that speaking the truth would be frowned upon.

OLD can be a stage in your journey. I healed a lot during that time which means I wasn't good relationship material. And the good advice I got was that "like attracts like" and I can definitely see the stages of that by who I dated. Very nice women, but similarly wounded. Now I notice that a bit sooner during a coffee and know that I'm not going to "fit" with someone much more quickly.

So be careful of love bombing and go slow. If you aren't in IC, it is a good adjunct to navigating your feelings, needs and avoiding pitfalls. Posting on SI is always good.

Have fun, be safe. Trust your gut.

this is.... disheartening.

Just out of curiosity, why?

Just out of curiosity, why?

To put it crudely, apparently women are just wet holes for men to stick their things into. Men cast a wide net, hoping just one willing vagina responds. All you need is a vagina and you hold all the cards. Your personality, your accomplishments, empathy, kindness, work ethic, character, etc, none of it matters. You have a vagina!!

I hope I didn't offend anyone. That was not my intention. But this is how I translate that statement. Disheartening indeed.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:42 PM, March 6th (Friday)]

Yeah I guess that's one way to look at it.

The truth is that women are the selectors and men are the pursuers. Sure there are exceptions the statement is based on fact.

I message more women than message me. I end up going out with women who I message and they respond.

I don't go out with women who I message and they don't respond to me.

Most women that message me, I don't respond to because I am very specific in what I am looking for, but they still have to chose to pick me.

I have dated plenty on Match, this time and 8 years ago when I was still single.

The ration's hold up.

Stating the obvious seems to be frowned upon by you but I guess I could have said, it's up to you and you can do what you want but I prefer the honest assessment which is the information that was asked for.

How on earth does this work? Am I supposed to go through and like some of my likes back?? Is it worth responding to the messages with no effort?

How quickly should I respond? How does this usually go?

Help!

All those questions boil down to, it's your choice what you do, you are in the drivers seat because you are a woman.

Men don't have that luxury or I would be having a lot more conversations.

Facts are facts, my experience might vary from you but as I said in my first point, this is my point of view, nothing more.

The point of starting the conversation is to suss out all the other qualities that men are looking for. Ignoring the fact that sexual selection is usually at the top of everyone's list doesn't discount that I want a women that is funny, witty, intelligent, well read, likes to laugh, etc doesn't change the fact that if they aren't interested in me or I them, it's pointless to waste time trying to see the real person behind the screen because attraction is attraction.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 9:58 PM, March 6th (Friday)]

what whothebleep said.

I guess all men want is a vagina. THAT is disheartening.