SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m hoping this is just a speed bump.

Here’s the shortest version I can do, and please know that you’re missing a lot of details!

G5 verbalized that he doesn’t like 2/3 of my (adult) kids. Stated that he doesn’t look forward to getting together with them because they “treat him like shit”.

I was absolutely stunned that he had this perception of them. I asked for details and he cited several events, all of which seemed menial to me, misperceptions, misunderstandings etc. I thought perhaps my radar was off on this so ran it across my BFFs at work and the response was “those things are petty BS that in reality probably had nothing to do with him, he’s just choosing to perceive it that way.”.

I had said almost the exact same thing to G5 - that he was viewing all of these thing through a filter he created himself of deciding the kids don’t like him. I’m pretty sure he decided that before he even met them.

Second issue: he does not want me to say anything to the kids, nor does he plan to. So he’s basically just going to hold this against them without giving them the opportunity to explain or discuss.

Third issue: one of my BFFs said the exact thing that I said to him without any prompting from me. It’s like he wants to keep him and I isolated together, insulated from the rest of our lives. so - a bubble where G5 and I exist, a bubble with me and my kids, a bubble with G5 and his kids. The bubbles do not mix or touch. As my other BFF said - it’s like a permanent fling. You never truly mesh your lives together.

Issue 3.5: When I brought this issue up, he said “this is starting to feel like games and drama and I don’t like it. It has made me feel like I can’t speak up when I have an issue, and god forbid I bring THIS issue up again, as I’m sure he thinks it’s settled. (Clarification on that at the end)

Fourth issue: the above is the one and only issue. I love this man deeply and we have discussed and are planning as if we are spending the rest of our lives together. We are wonderful friends, we enjoy the same things, we travel well together, we stay home well together. Very compatible on many levels. But this is a big deal. Am I wrong in that? Is his version of how things should be the norm?

Current state: the conversation ended with him saying that he is not ruling out ever feeling differently about my kids, but he doesn’t know either. He said we are never going to have one big happy blended family and he has no desire to be a stepdad to my kids and is not looking for a stepmom for his (also adult) sons. I dated my kids have a dad and I’m not looking to be his kids mom. Btw - despite my expressing several times that I want to get to know his son, I have seen him twice in 3 years of dating. G5 sees him weekly.

I do want to give credit where credit is due. We had a nice Christmas at my house with my kids and thanksgiving was here too, and G5 was present for these events. He was very helpful at my daughters wedding this past fall. I invited his son to come to my house for xmas (which is how I met him the year prior), but he was not able to come and G5 did not try to schedule any other get together. G5 and my son were at the house together alone for a bit and G5 did ask him to play cards (because it was “so fucking awkward just sitting there not talking” - but I’ll take it!). G5 and my dad get along splendidly.

This all started because G5 didn’t come to a family get together this past weekend. He did have a legitimate reason, but circumstances changed which I thought would allow him to come, and he chose not to. I was really disappointed and further discussion about it led to his verbalizing all this stuff about my kids.

Any insight, experience, what has worked for you, etc is appreciated.

Side note: I’m having anxiety about talking to him because of the backlash that I know will come (being accused of playing games and creating drama), and that is a dynamic that I loved with for far too long with the ex. G5 is so loving and caring in every other way and on every other topic. I cannot figure out why this is an issue for us.

This all sounds strange to me. There must be more to the story. You can all hang out together without parenting each other's kids. Especially since they are all adults... how much parenting is needed at family events??

Did you ask him why he wants to have everything/everyone stay separate?

He does like one of your kids. What's different there? Because she's a girl?

this is starting to feel like games and drama and I don’t like it

Him saying this also seems strange to me.

Sorry, I don't have any experience. My H was happy to spend time with my kids since day 1. I guess you have to figure out how important it is to you that G5 is present at family events and to accept that you won't be a part of his kids' lives.

I don't know. It seems to me there are more conversations to be had about this.

This does seem strange.

Before SO and I started dating, I laid down hard rules. I would not blend families. I would not even consider cohabitation until all children were up and out, and maybe not even then. Neither of us would parent the other's kids. He had zero problem with any of that and felt the same.

Even so (or maybe because of it), our kids still all got to know each other and get along well. Everyone likes everyone. We hang out together on holidays and such (all but one are adults and they're scattered all over the place, so it isn't super frequent) with no issue.

I really don't like how he said your concerns feel like "drama" and you feel like you can't talk to him about this. And he isn't giving you much to go on here. Your observations from your BFFs are telling, too. I've learned that they always see things we don't.

This wouldn't set right with me at all. You definitely need to have some more conversations with him, and you have to decide if you can live with this long term.

Thanks turtle and bananas.

G5 has told me his DS could *never* meet all 3 of my kids at once. It would be too overwhelming. He also feels confident that my DS isn’t his son’s type and that he won’t like him and will be uncomfortable. As far as he is concerned there will never be a time when they are all together for a holiday, etc

BFFs and I were talking further today and it’s almost as if G5 is looking for reasons not to like them. Afraid of becoming attached? Idk

G5 def has FOO issues, and maybe that’s coming in to play now.

Thing is, I brought this up early on in the relationship. I specifically stated that my expectation is that if we stay together his family becomes my family and vice-versa. He said, “I don’t need any of that.” I said that I get that, but asked if he had any objections to it and he said No.

But then has done nothing to facilitate a coming together. In the first several months, totally understandable. But once it was clear we were becoming serious, my expectation was to be introduced to his DS etc.

I feel like him declaring that the kids don’t like him based on these specific instances he has cited are what is creating drama.

I’ll give an example:

I was not home yet from work. G5 had been traveling for work and arrived at my house before me. He was chilling on my couch. My DD and Her DH were coming to stay that weekend and were stopping by to drop off their stuff before going to the ex’s house. They apparently swooped through in a whirlwind, dropped their stuff off real quick and headed out again without saying anything to G5. (Nor did he say anything to them)

My take on this is they assumed we were both gone since my car was gone, and didn’t see him sitting there on the couch. His take is that they were giving him the cold shoulder and ignoring him intentionally.

Neither my daughter or her husband would be rude in that manner. Never. G5 does not want me to say anything to them, nor is he going to say anything to them to get clarification, allow an apology if needed, etc. But he’s going to let it sit in his mind as the kids treating him like shit. Interestingly, he noted he wouldn’t mind hanging out with my son in law, because he’s “a nice guy”. But he is the DH in the above scenario and is not being lumped into the “kids treating me like shit” category.

Idk.

I hate the thought of this being a deal breaker. It’s not just the issue of not wanting to do stuff with my family. It’s the attitude toward my kids, and now the knowledge that even if there is an issue I may not ever be told about it yet he’s holding me accountable. I also don’t like that just because I’m bringing up a topic that I’m feeling upset about that I’m being told I’m creating drama.

He said to me that our conversation brought up bad memories for him and he was not going to tolerate fighting in his house ever again. I pointed out that I wansnt angry. No one was yelling. No one was being unkind or name calling.

He also frequently cited “I never ask you to do anything you don’t want to do, because I just don’t care.”. If you don’t want to meet my kids or spend time with them that’s fine. I really don’t care.”.

I’m so confused. But what I’m starting to see is some signs that he is emotionally unhealthy in some areas.

Uuuggggghhhh.

Honestly, it sounds like HE doesn't like YOUR kids, not the other way around. Also, if he's not willing to talk about what's going on, how exactly can you two work this out? (Or any OTHER issues since he "won't tolerate fighting in his house". He sounds immature and it seems he's looking for a way out of the relationship to me.

Ark -

My BFFs asked about whether or not he could be looking for an out. I don’t think he is. He is actively looking for a job in my town so we can be closer to each other. We are planning a vacay that is several months away. He cites that he likes me just the way I am and would never ask me to change. You know, like I’m asking him to change.

In a way he IS asking me to change. He is asking me to let go of my idea of us being able to function as a family.

I’ve been trying to think of a constructive way to bring this up. I’m becoming very deeply emotionally invested here, and if there is no hope of ever being on the same page on this, I’m afraid it’s a deal breaker.

Makes me sick just to say that out loud.

G5 sounds like someone whose anticonfrontational. Is that the case Nekorb?

Take this for what its worth. I'm a man, and I too feel like just let it go. Sometimes the females in life are always wanting to talk. The last thing anyone of us guys wants to hear is this line "lets talk, we need to talk...". It sends shivers down our spine. Its like getting served!! Here a piece of advice for you when speaking to him. Just talk!! No need to announce that you're going to have a serious talk, just talk!!! He already knows you're talking, no need to side step A to B, by going to D and D. I tell my girlfriend this too. Just speak up about what you want, and we will address it.

As for him not liking your kids. It may be that they remind him of your EX, or maybe they have a good relationship with your EX and that irks him b/c of what your Ex did. Have you ever thought of that? Look at it this way. He knows your past, but your kids come into the house, don't say anything to him to rush to see your EX who betrayed both you and them, but he seems to get more respect than your BF.

Heres the other thing about Men. We sometimes are just happy with the way things are going. We don't need them to progress. Women often on the other hand from the get go have to have timelines and things progressing. Sounds like he told you from the get go that he's not into the blended happy family thing.

Thing is, I brought this up early on in the relationship. I specifically stated that my expectation is that if we stay together his family becomes my family and vice-versa. He said, “I don’t need any of that.” I said that I get that, but asked if he had any objections to it and he said No.

He told you what he was thinking and wanted. You are pushing for it and hoping to change his mind. Listen, I'm not saying youre to blame, or that he is to blame. He certainly sounds like someone whose a bit stubborn and anticonfrontational, and its hard to communicate with a partner like that, but he's been telling you and showing you all along how he would like the relationship to go. Maybe listen to the guy. If this is a deal breaker I'm sorry, but its not likely that he will change, and if you get him to change he will end up resenting it. I promise.

Halftime - thanks for chiming in! Always good to hear from the Menz , because we definitely approach things differently!

To be clear, he said he didn’t “need” for us to function as one big family, but he also didn’t object to it.

He definitely doesn’t like my ex (not that I do!Lol), and is weirdly fixated on him sometimes. My daughters wedding is an example. My ex barely pinged my radar unless he was standing in front of me, but G5 was aware of his every move. My ex is NPD, and does take some practice to ignore him. G5 is also still very engaged in hating his own ex.

We’ve never had an argument, primarily because there’s nothing to argue about. He’s never expressed his opinion about my kids until now. It doesn’t seem to be constructive or productive to hold something against someone and not give them the opportunity to explain or make it right.

In a way, I feel like giving this exact topic a rest (He did say he would try - not sure what that looks like), but still addressing that i now feel like I can’t talk to him if I have a concern about something.

I will definitely take your advice about not giving any sort of heads up about a “talk”! I’ll just say it.

Nekorb, I would advise against telling the kids about what G5 said or did for now. Maybe from G5's point of view, he doesnt want that to cause your kids to dislike him. Maybe in his mind, he was already thinking that they don't like him, and if you were to bring something up to the kids, it might at least in G5s mind, make them like him even less and cause issues.

Good luck to you. Relationships are hard. It sounds like G5 is a nice man. He may have some issues (communication style), but we all have issues. After being thru what we've been thru, look deep to see if this is a deal breaker. Only you will know.

At the end of the day, with grown kids, its going to be mostly you and G5 90% of the time. Good luck to you however it lands

Halftime,

He IS a good man, and that is part of what makes this attitude from him so puzzling to me.

I totally get why he wouldn’t want me to say something to the kids. But if he isn’t going to address it with them and is holding it against them, that’s doesn’t seem right. If he was willing to let everyone start at ground zero again, in a neutral position from his POV, that would be a little different.

My BFF and I think very similar on this topic: these are my kids, you see my relationship with my kids, they are important to me, I am important to you, therefore they should be important to you. To me, that’s just how relationships work.

Half time hit upon exactly what I was thinking in reading this. That G5 resents your ex and that is translating to your (your ex's) kids. I think many of us also worry that a SO's kids will resent the new person in their parents' life.

I hope he can be open to the possibility that he misinterpreted their way of interacting with him. I know after my so met my 33yo daughter he seemed very interested (worried?) as to whether or not she liked him.

It seems no matter how old our kids are its hard to "do the blend".

Just a couple thoughts. First, if you ever want truly objective relationship feedback, the last place you should go is your BFFs. Second, as a stepparent myself for >25 years, there can be dynamics with the kids (adult or otherwise) that you don't see. Your children are going to interact with you in a whole different way, so your experience and knowledge of them is going to be different, too. My own view is the goal is to interact well and comfortably, but not try to go for the "big happy family" pot of gold. I'd suggest talking with a LMFT, and not assume the problem is 100% with G5.

Thanks hardtimes. Seeing the kids as an extension of my ex may be a thing. Although, he cites often that he doesn’t care if they like him or not, because he isn’t dating them. He said the same about his kids and liking/not liking me, although he hasn’t given me the opportunity to get to know his son at all.

It has occurred to me that there is a double standard in place. He cited my kids being “oblivious” to other people’s feelings because they have discussed some things related to their college funds in front of him. Yet, he has said, “kids are a pain in the ass”, in front of my children and myself on multiple occasions. He frequently refers to his sons as his “daughters” when he talks to me - and we all know that isn’t meant to be a term of endearment. No one has called him out about this and accepted him as he is. Does he not think my kids are bothered by that? Or perhaps his own? I have never viewed my children as a burden. Ever. I was a SAHM and I’m thankful I’m retired from that job, but I loved it. Yesterday he was telling me a story about a convo at work that he thought was pretty funny and I did not find funny at all because he was using derogatory language about a gay person. I have never heard him talk like that and don’t get what’s happening. That point aside (which is a HUGE point), how does he know his audience doesn’t have someone they love who is LGBTQ?

I’m dreading having a convo about this. It feels the way it did with my ex, and this is not ok. I shouldn’t have fear about a conversation. I also feel like anything I say will fall on deaf ears as he ha stated that he’s x number of years old and he is how he is, and that’s unlikely to change. Again - double standard. He’s stating he isn’t going to change. He often states he doesn’t ask me to do anything I don’t want to do, he likes me the way I am and doesn’t ask me to change anything about myself. However, he’s asking me to change my expectations that I was clear about from the beginning. That we would be a family, and that even sans the legalities my expectation is that the relationship will function as a true marriage does.

I have literally been ill about this all week. I bought he was coming Saturday and we would be able to talk then found out he isn’t coming until Sunday afternoon and will be going out of town Monday.

I will be devastated and heartbroken if this ends (and would survive!), and I feel like he’d say “whatever, I don’t care”, add me to the both list and walk away.

Sad -

We posted at the same time. :)

I like the idea of well and comfortably and that’s fine. I’m not asking him to donate an organ or make them beneficiaries on his life insurance. I’m asking him to not be biased against them, to be aware of any biases he may have put in place prior to meeting them, and to be open to the idea that he might actually start to care for them and that’s ok.

I’m also asking to get to know his son, and I’ve been asking about that for 2.5 years.

Counseling will never be a thing. He wouldn’t go for one thing, and he’s stated it’s unlikely he will ever change.

I know BFFs are always going to be biased in some way. I am trying not to place blame 100% on G5, but am trying to stay solution focused. He was very stand-off-ish with the kids when they first met, and did acknowledge that he set up the dynamic to begin with.

Idk.

My experience with SO and my adult children has been ok. I told him up front when we started dating that they are very important to me - I had been D for 6 years and dated some real duds. I think I used the phrase "men come and go, but family is forever." It may have been the wrong thing, but it was how I felt at the time. I basically told him to not ever make me choose between him and them because it wouldn't come out well for him.

Now SO and I have been together 10 years and are cohabitating. He gets on well with my adult sons. He really dislikes my oldest son's wife. And to be honest, I haven't always gotten along with her as well as I would like - we are totally different. But, as I told him, she has been in my family for 16 years and is the gate-keeper to my grandchildren. My son loves her. She is family.

So sometimes when there is a function with that part of my family, SO skips it. Not all the time. And I am fine with it. He is polite and cordial to DIL, but they will never be friendly. He tries to be friendly with my sons and other DIL. He likes them all and I believe they like him.

I guess my point is that I never expected us to be a big family together. And I'm fine with going to family functions by myself (not all the time). After all, they are not his children and he's only known them for a few years as adults. He doesn't have, nor could he have, the bond that comes from watching children grow up and being in their lives from the beginning.

Managing these relationships is not something we ever thought we'd have to do, but we all do the best we can.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Thanks NL.

It sounds like what you have is my goal. I don’t expect him to be best friends with them, but I expect him to care about them because they are important to me. Probably how you care about your DIL because she’s important to your son. I also want to be given the opportunity to get to know his son, and he is stonewalling that.

I’m going to address the most pressing issues for me this weekend: feeling like I can’t talk to him because I’m going to be accused of playing games or creating drama; the perceived double standard between his expectations for the kids and some of the hurtful comments he makes I’m front of mine. (“Kids are a pain in the ass”).

I thought about letting it go for another week, but I’ve literally been nauseated over this all week, and I can’t go another week like that.

I want the conversation to be constructive. Any suggestions on best ways to accomplish that are appreciated. And of course, any other observations about the subject at hand. I do know that my BFFs are biased, which is why I came here. :)

He said .....

He said we are never going to have one big happy blended family and he has no desire to be a stepdad to my kids and is not looking for a stepmom for his (also adult) sons.

That would be enough for me to say goodbye. I'm the ''love me, love my kid' type ... and I'd return the gesture if he had kids.

I too join with others as finding his attitude strange.

Hi, nekorb, sorry that your SO would come out with a derogatory comment about kids being a PITA right in front of yours. That sounds possibly connected with anger he has towards his son, since he has called him one of his daughters. Do you think maybe his son has been experimenting with gender identity and Dad can't handle that, but isn't ready to be open about it? Seems likely to me.

I basically told him to not ever make me choose between him and them because it wouldn't come out well for him.

^^^ My kids will come before anyone.

While I haven't ventured into dating yet and have no experience with the complexities of blending the families I couldn't deal with hearing some of the things he has said like...

He said we are never going to have one big happy blended family and he has no desire to be a stepdad to my kids and is not looking for a stepmom for his (also adult) sons.

this is starting to feel like games and drama and I don’t like it

I never ask you to do anything you don’t want to do, because I just don’t care.

he has said, “kids are a pain in the ass”, in front of my children and myself on multiple occasions.

Crazy - I know.

I don’t want to do what I did with my ex and rug sweep bad behavior because I love other things about him.

This feeling is awful.

I think what I’m really afraid of is that he’s just going to walk away. No discussion or compromise. Just walk away. I guess if he does that, I don’t want to be with someone like that anyway that can’t have a discussion and work things out.