Hi, all. I'm newish and hope it's ok that I post here. But I'm heading into a tough time over the holidays and based on reading through this thread, this is the only place I wanted to hear from. Sorry but...I think this post might get long.
I'm separated from WH and haven't seen him since my birthday in August when he got on a plane, just over two months out from DDay. He's working overseas and the fam was supposed to accompany him...but that was before DDay. I elected not to leave our close family and friends and travel to aforeign country with someone who lied and betrayed me.
I quit our teleconference MC at the end of October because instead of remorse I was getting anger and blame, and it was dragging me down. He asked if I wanted D and I said yes. I still talk to him every weekend about kids, finances, etc. It's civil, even friendly, and fake. Now he's coming home for two weeks to spend the holidays with the kids. He flies in Friday night, his mom is picking him up, and then he's staying in our home from the second night on, probably on an air mattress.
So I'm a mess.
I've spent most of my paid time off taking care of the kids while he's been gone, so I won't be home except actual holidays/eves and weekends. This is good because I can stay away from him, but it really is creeping me out that he's going to be in my house, my space, with our kids and have free rein. NO idea how I'm going to concentrate and be productive at work.
He has covert narc tendencies, is very conflict avoidant, but I sense anger and contempt when I'm not meeting his expectations. it's uncomfortable to be around him. For the time he was here after DDay he would follow me around and "make" me hug him. He would say vaguely creepy things like, "I feel like I can't bring up any issues because it will just make things worse," like he has major secret issues with me (who knows). After he left he tried to force me and guilt me into doing generic positive marriage exercises with him, I assume to make me say nice things about him. Yes, he read "How to help your spouse heal" and "not just friends," and generally performed the actions and said the words they told him to. After he left the blame and entitlement crept back in. Now, I have no idea if it's going to be more of the same manipulative-seeming tactics (and who knows, it could all be sincere and I'm just paranoid)....or will it be the discard.
I'm no angel myself, got a few years of CoD resentment under my belt. But I'm getting better with the help of my IC.
I've 180'd pretty hard for about two months now but that's pretty easy when he's not here and there's an 8 hour time difference. Since I said I want to D, he seems like he's trying to 180 ME. Joining a softball team, being over involved with the church (all new stuff), no more daily emails about what he's doing. I think he may be trying to punish me but it's kind of just back to similar contact to what we've had throughout our marriage, so no pain here. Worrying about what he's planning though...doing lots of that.
This is getting so so long. So let's just see: what do you think I should do? I know I don't owe him anything, but should I reiterate to the father of my children what I would need to stay with him, and why I am moving to D? He acts like he doesn't get it, but do I even want to get into that fight? Should I just maintain the 180 and not answer his questions? Should I get him a polygraph for Christmas, or use the opportunity while he's here to try to get more information, or give him another chance to come clean? (note: he's been in IC I suspect at least one prior EA/PA and he has training that could help him beat a poly.) Should I call my attorney and have him served over the holiday, and risk exposing my kids to an ugly reaction? (note: I don't think he believes I will follow through, at least not so decisively.)
So many options, so little time. The only thing I've decided for sure is that I will send him an email the day before he arrives, saying to please not touch me or expect me to touch him. He will be mad but, tough cookies. I can't take any more creepy hugs. Oh and I've hidden my paper and electronic documents, valuables, and the kids' passports. Ok so maybe I'm a little paranoid.
Well nice to "meet" you amazing ladies, even if it's while I'm a bit of a nervous wreck. Hope all your holiday preparations or lack thereof are going beautifully. I put up all the lights we own, all over the front of the house. I'm pretty proud of it. Merry shitmas! It's gonna be a good one, I can just tell.