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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

Topic is Sleeping.
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:51 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

Cheat on me and you lose hair. Karma

SOS, stop reading over there. It doesn't seem like you're getting anything positive out of it, so why do it?

Absolutely, yoga and meditation can't hurt (unless you try to force your body into something it can't do yet).

I really needed my yoga last night. We had an incident with my 15 year old at school. I had to pick him up. He is home again today while they investigate further. He may get suspended. He's a good kid who did an extremely stupid thing because of peer pressure. At least the admins at the school know this about him and are being very understanding.

Anyway, I canceled all my yoga class reservations because I thought I should stay home. My H told me to go. The teenager was asleep. He didn't need me home for anything. It would be good for me. So, I went to one class.

I almost cried several times during. I kind of wanted to, but the tears wouldn't flow. That's a problem I have. Things look better today.

ETA: Ellie, did you see my latest comments on my thread?

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:52 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8471110
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 3:15 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

You know why I read there? Because it makes me hate them.

Because if I stop hating them, I'm terrified I will call him. I want my old life back so fucking bad. It was, quite literally, the only time in my life I didn't feel completely alone.

Before him, I really never felt lonely. Like DD25 said, survival mode. I couldn't slow down long enough to feel lonely. There wasnt time.

I'm brutally lonely. Broken. I want to rug sweep this shit so bad I cant even begin to explain it. As long as I rug sweep, he is the perfect spouse. Compliments, cuddly. All the things I see so many wish their cheaters were.

And wanting that makes me hate myself. I feel weak. Stupid.

So, I guess that's why I read there. I don't have the truth. I am terrified that if I let go of that hate, if I get the truth, it will kill me. I hate being smart and crazy.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8471132
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:57 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

SOS - has your hate become your identity or just a security blanket?

Because I want you to know that your identity is so much more.

And you have us as a security blanket and safety net.

I think SOS is a sparkly bunch of awesome who is afraid to shine. Let us help you shine. In your own time.

You are neither stupid or weak. Please stop talking about my friend SOS that way.

Now - you opened up with us some great deep honesty there with raw emotion. That must have been hard. It sure was gutsy. That took some serious BALLZ.

Do something nice for yourself. Coffee, chocolate, something.

We have you SOS. Even when you are too hurt or exhausted to have yourself.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3269   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8471156
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 4:11 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

Oh Chaos. I wrap myself up in that hate security blanket, because if I don't I crumble. Because if I let it go, for just a minute, I spend hours on the phone with my buddies at the suicide hotline, staring at my girls.

It's not even just the cheater. It's my whole fucking life. It's super hard to figure out the point some days. Most days.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8471163
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 5:44 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

SOS, you are not weak or stupid! You are here, fighting. That makes unbelievably strong! And, you said yourself that you're smart, so...

Life is fucking hard! It can suck so bad that there doesn't seem to be a point. I've been there. I tried to end it because if that feeling. Connection is the antidote. You've got connection here with us. Lean on us. Like Chais said, we've got you.

I've got a novel idea. Maybe there doesn't need to be a point. Maybe we don't all need some lofty purpose to living. Maybe just being is enough. We don't have to do anything to deserve to be here, to be loved, to be content. We just have to be.

I like to make gratitude lists when I'm feeling like things are pointless, hopeless, useless. I may only have one thing on my list at any given moment, but it's enough for me.

Today, I'm grateful that my 15 year old son is not in jail.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8471212
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 6:09 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

You know why I read there? Because it makes me hate them.

Because if I stop hating them, I'm terrified I will call him. I want my old life back so fucking bad. It was, quite literally, the only time in my life I didn't feel completely alone.

You are heard SOS. I feel every word of this down to my bones.

And everything Chaos and Coco said, times a million.

Especially this:

We have you SOS. Even when you are too hurt or exhausted to have yourself.

And this:

Maybe there doesn't need to be a point. Maybe we don't all need some lofty purpose to living. Maybe just being is enough. We don't have to do anything to deserve to be here, to be loved, to be content. We just have to be.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8471224
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 6:30 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

Thanks y'all.

I guess the holidays are messing with me more than I thought they would. It's so hard to try to start "new traditions". How the fuck are they traditions if they are new?

Oy vey! Guess I'll go find something to clean!

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8471243
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 6:36 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

SOS I get it. On the flip side - how will they ever become traditions if you don't give them a try?

There's nothing like a mad clean. My shower tile never sparkles so bright like after it's been mad cleaned

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3269   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8471249
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 6:38 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

DaisyAnne in tune with the hair loss karma - I have a tale on that as well.

In the case of WH he starting going gray horribly during the A and after DDay it went even faster. Prior to the A beginning - not one drop of gray. Post DDays - 100% gray.

I say AP literally sucked the color right out of his hair.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3269   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8471251
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 6:39 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

How the fuck are they traditions if they are new?

Laughed really hard at this one because yes this is the kind of logic that gets me stuck in a super angry cycle sometimes. And then someone would point out to me, well how do you think traditions came about? Somebody had to start them, right? But I get it, it's still frustrating as hell.

I'm talking to DD now about starting some new traditions, and I'm realizing that a lot of my reluctance to start new ones comes from my bitterness that all of my old, comfortable habits (which is what traditions really are, just seasonal habits) are no longer comforting. They're all triggers now. I think there are going to have to be some things that I push through and "take back" for myself.

There were a lot of decorations that I left behind when I left, because I didn't want to take things away from the girls. We were just a couple months out from xmas, I didn't want their whole lives to be upended and then they go to open the Xmas box the day after thanksgiving and half of their stuff is gone. But I'm definitely mad at myself now for not grabbing our special ornaments etc.

I wish that the cleaning bug would take over for me. I've been too busy with work/in too much of a funk to do that lately and my house is a disaster as a result. I'm hoping to get some things done over the Thanksgiving break, but between having to use that time to finish up some long overdue accounting, as well as traveling to and from my parents' house, I doubt much will get done.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8471252
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 7:16 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

Oh the cleaning bug. Unfortunately, I think it never leaves me. I think it's a control thing. When everything else is in chaos, I clean. It's an ongoing joke in my family. We actually warn new people about me cleaning up after them. I usually dont even realize I'm doing it.

My kids also think I'm hilarious when I'm mad. Its honestly how my mad was always broken. Them laughing at me. Years ago I had a run in with our cable company. I was furious. I was trying valiantly not to cuss. I called the person on the other end an incompetent nincompoop. I turned around and cheater and the kids were all dying.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8471273
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:33 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

SOS,

I keep some hate fed and nourished since discovering WH had lied to me for 25 years about his first flush into infidelity.

He, and I rug swept to maintain the peace. No, it maintained the disillusionment.

So, yeah, I keep the fury at a low boil. I poke the bear, tell plenty of people what an absolute shit of a person he is.

I suspect this will be the last time I allow someone to defecate on my happiness and security

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8471287
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 9:10 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

(((SOS)))

I am so sorry that you are in that headspace - that sounds plumb awful for you. Totally understand it too.

Reiterating what everyone else said though - you aren't stupid or weak. And if you are then I for fuckin sure are too! I let the fucker false R me for 9 months, did the HB bullshit, and he got to say the D word cus I was too scared to (still so fuckin mad at me about that)... That doesn't make me weak or stupid tho. It makes me human. Just like you.

And I can't recall, how far out are you from S? Give yourself time to get your feet under you and you will eventually be able to put the hate blanket down. Because truly - hate hurts YOU way more than it hurts anyone else. And you very much deserve freedom from it.

C+5N - we all know women are the superior species... oy....

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8471324
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sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2019

My situation is super crazy. I guess I'm S. In a way. We communicate by text. Nothing more than basic bills or whatever. It's been this way for about a month.

I have no plans to D. I cant rock the boat too much. I need him financially. My sad reality is, I probably couldn't hold a part time job, never mind full time. I certainly couldn't support myself. I could only expect spousal support for 3 years.

So he will be here for Thanksgiving. We will get along just fine in front of the kids. Then he leaves again. Just to repeat it all at Christmas. That ought to be healing. Not.

It's better for my kids, too. After everything they, hell we, have been through, it gives them security. There is nothing I wouldn't do, no hell I wouldn't walk through for them.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8471349
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 1:35 AM on Friday, November 22nd, 2019

Fucking GRRRR.

I am on several forums for infidelity on SM. There was a post today from a guy saying how much he hates the AP in his situation. So many people have responded with the "the AP didn't make vows to you" bullshit.

OK, color me crazy, but while I do believe that the majority of the blame lies on a WS, the AP isn't some innocent little muffin in the A. Like.... I just don't EVEN buy that the AP has NO blame. If I knowingly pursue and have sexual relations with someone who I KNOW is married to another person... Yeahno, I carry some fuckin blame in that situation too.

Am I the crazy one here??

PS someone else referred to my xshitbag's AP as a 'whoragutang' and that might just be my new favorite.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8471436
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:21 AM on Friday, November 22nd, 2019

Am I the crazy one here??

Well....

No, you're not crazy. I don't like that saying, either. I understand what they are trying to say, but I don't think they're doing it the best way.

No, the MOW did not make vows to me, but she broke some codes. There's the humanity code, the sister code, and the marriage code. I mean, what's the point in getting married in front of everyone and wearing rings if other people aren't going to respect that? That is the point in all of that, so that society knows these two people are off the market.

The point of saying that is to try to get the BP to stop focusing so much on someone that 1) he can't do anything about, and 2) isn't a part of his life. Once the A is over, assuming it's over, and NC has been established the AP is of no consequence. Of course, you can't just flip a switch and turn off those feelings, but you can stop feeding them.

SOS, my house is always available for a good scrub down.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8471445
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:36 AM on Friday, November 22nd, 2019

DaisyAnne, are you pulling out your husband's hair when he is sleeping? This is my interpretation and it makes me giggle. Keep up the good work. hahaha

My husband's skin went to shit when he started cheating. I remember wondering what on earth happened to your face. Now I think, that's the face of a liar - ain't so pretty now!

SOS, we are all angry. We got duped, lied to, abused, betrayed in oh so many ways, and it hurts. The anger is justified. No one here is stupid, we all were simply cheated on, and lied to. Sadly, it's so common, we are here with 1000's of others.

I use my anger as a shield. It protects me, it gives me energy to do stuff, it helps me survive. It has disappeared for short periods, and when it is gone I find it hard. It reveals a sadness that is hard to bear, a disappointment that is so deep, it is hard to breath. At some point, anger will not be the standard state, it will be the occasional state. I'm not sure what state we will be in when it is gone, maybe resignation, maybe acceptance, maybe happiness. So use your anger to do what you need to do, to give you resolve...

honey, we all understand...

and we are here with you.

Boot shopping this weekend...

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8471450
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:44 AM on Friday, November 22nd, 2019

DaisyAnne,

Are you pulling out your husband's hair when he is sleeping?

Good job!

SOS,

You are not alone in your anger. I'm there with you. I use it as my shield, it helps me survive by giving me energy and power to not be accepting of bs, to demand respect, to keep going. Some days it disappears. Those days are hard. Right now when there is no anger, there is a deep sadness and disappointment. That part is hard. I feel like a loser, because this happened to me. I think someday, when the anger is gone, I will have more peace, but only if I accept that this happened. Not that this was ok, not forgiveness. But this happened, and I am still worthy, I am a valuable person that deserves kindness and happiness. I am still standing. I like me.

Getting to this better state is a journey through anger, hurt, acceptance, loss, grief, more pain, self realization and self love. It's a long damn journey.

For now my anger gives me some energy, some power to keep going and stand up every day.

You are doing amazing, and you have found a place here that you can share this pain, this anger, and we understand.

We are here with you, and you are with us.

Big hugs....

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8471454
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:48 AM on Friday, November 22nd, 2019

Am I the crazy one here??

Well....

OK I walked right in to that one...

No, I do get it. I do. But when people come here hating the AP in addition to their WS - yeah, that hate is perfectly justified and I won't ever tall them that "put the anger in the box" nonsense. And yes, totally said that like the Silence of the Lambs guy...

Now, if a BS comes here with little anger towards the WS and most of it towards the AP? Yeah, that's different.

Take moi for example. I want to rip xshitbag's dick off with a bbq fork. But I would also like to beat the snot out of his slut AP after doing so. See? Equality. Balance. Much zen, so hostile. Wow.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8471458
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:24 AM on Friday, November 22nd, 2019

Hey. I thought I lost my post now I have two. Cool

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8471475
Topic is Sleeping.
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