Ok ladies. I have a ton I want to respond to for everyone.
I just have to quickly ask for advice re: my daughter. She came to me today and told me that she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her.
Now, I have been contemplating that this is a possibility for a while now based on some of the anecdotes she has divulged to me. But, I wanted to consider the possibility of projection considering what I’ve been through in the past year. He’s on his phone all the time, for example, but maybe he’s just a self centered asshole, who knows? I didn’t want to plant seeds of doubt in her head for no reason, so I addressed these concerns as, well if it’s bothering you, then you should communicate with him about how you would like to connect more with him and would appreciate if he spent less time on his phone, yada yada.
Then a few weeks ago she tells me that earlier this year she went on his phone and found a bunch of screenshots of women. At the time she didn’t go into too much detail, but it seemed by the way she was describing it like it was random nudes, like porn. This was about 10 months ago, she apparently confronted him about it then, and she has not seen anything or had any issues since. So when she told me about that, I let it be.
Today though she went into much more detail because of an incident last night and this morning. He ordered her food last night, and he fell asleep, so she used his phone to track the delivery through Uber eats, and this morning he asked how did you get your food? When she responded that she used his phone to call the driver, he flipped out on her and said I can’t believe you went through my phone you went through everything didn’t you? She then apparently said something to the effect of if you didn’t have anything to hide, It wouldn’t matter if I went through your phone. Is there something on there I need to see? Funny thing is, she had not even looked at anything else on his phone, even though she easily could have since he was asleep.
He denies any wrongdoing of course. I then asked her for more details re: the pictures earlier this year, how did she handle that, what if any resolution did they come to about how stuff like that was going to be handled moving forward? Basically she said she just told him I’d better not see that ever again, and that was that. But when I pressed for more details on the nature of the photos, she revealed that they were screenshots of girls on Snapchat in various states of undress some fully nude others in lingerie. Some were from before they were together, others were right alongside photos of her in his camera roll. And these were not cam girls, these were people he had met via dating apps like Tinder!
So of course I tell her, you know that was cheating right? You have every right to be upset and to be suspicious of him because he has broken your trust. That from now on his phone will always be a point of contention, and he needs to do everything he can to show you that you can trust him with that again, all the same stuff we usually point out to any newbie here on SI.
Well THEN she goes on to tell me about his female “friend,” who he’s been talking to a little too much lately. They were introduced in a friend’s group chat, but then apparently they started their own side conversation. That in and of itself is suspect. Then she tells me that he is talking to this girl for hours on end on the phone, even sometimes while my daughter is trying to spend time with him! And she’s sending him selfies with various filters on them - none of the ones DD has seen are sexual in nature, but still, who sends selfies to someone of the opposite sex? I guess he has shown her the messages a couple of times where this girl says things like “your girlfriend is so pretty!” And “I want to be friends with her!” Her BF has also tried to push the idea of them being friends, to which my daughter has said hell no, I’ve got my own friends. Now I’ve heard about him pushing this friend on her before, but never in the context of knowing that this girl is talking to her BF for hours on end.
Anyway, the final nail in the coffin for me is when my daughter tells me that this girl has apparently been describing to my daughters boyfriend in great detail how other men have been trying to lure her (other girl, not DD) away from her boyfriend, and how one almost succeeded. Ummmm, grooming much?? BF also tells DD that this girl is madly in love with her BF so there’s nothing to worry about. Oh HELL to the no. Red flag city and this asshole is the Fucking mayor!
There aren’t enough faces in the world!
She is asking for my advice and I honestly don’t even know what to say. I mean obviously I know all of the SI things to say, but I really don’t want to project my own baggage onto her.
I really want to tell her to run for the fucking hills, but she needs to come to that conclusion on her own. I know at 20 if my parents had told me not to date someone I would have laughed at them and carried right along.
Even in many non infidelity related ways he is a terrible partner for her. I could list all of the reasons why, but suffice to say it is that he is not much of a partner at all, but more like a man baby in need of a parent/secretary/assistant/someone to do his bidding. Sound like anyone else we know? Hint: it’s MethHead McSexAddict, my ex H, her father. And again, every time she tells me one of these stories, I take into account the possibility of my projection, and try to give her the most neutral advice I can. But fuck if this isn’t textbook FOO shit.
It’s really gotten to a point now where it’s glaring. How do I break it to her that this guy has got to go? I know it’s ultimately her decision, and given her age she’s likely to continue in a relationship with him for quite a while before she finally wises up. I guess just looking to hear from Ladies who have been there: what would you say to your daughter in the same situation? I'm trying to get her to see the light.
Hugs and a big FUCK MONDAYS to all!
Oh, and the kicker? This bitch has the same name as my husband’s mistress. Not a super common name. What are the fucking chances?? You just can’t make this shit up
When driving her home tonight, she added in the fun tidbit that when they were fighting this morning he said something to the effect of "Well I've got another girl anyway." He apparently calmed down, apologized and hugged her, but I'm sorry, there's no question now, right?
I emphasized to her that she is always welcome to come live with me, so having a place to stay should never be a reason to stay with him. That I know she probably feels an allegiance to him because he provided comfort and a place for her to be when shit hit the fan with her dad, but that she doesn't owe him anything. I know she would never want to go back to living with her dad, and I assured her that this wasn't her only option if she chose to leave. She said oh I know, that's what I told him when he told me "if we break up you'll be homeless." Ummmm, what motherfucker? Are you really trying to intimidate her into staying with you by insinuating that she has nowhere to go?? I said, don't listen to him, that's just his way of trying to control you, and then she told me about how they fought about something a few months ago and he told her he was going to "send her in an Uber to your Dad's house." Again, what in the actual fuck????? I said that is his way of trying to shut you up - he knows that you would never want to move back to your Dad's, so he's basically saying, stop making me angry, or else.
I told her look, I know you love this guy, but you really need to take a long hard look at everything that has been going on and ask yourself how much more of this are you willing to take? I said the best advice I could give her was to try to pull herself out of it, and look at the story of their relationship as if it was a movie - if you were watching the heroine going through all of this, what would you be screaming at the screen for her to do? I know what I would be screaming, but I don't control the heroine in this movie, only you do.
I also reminded her that she has a tendency to keep things to herself until it becomes a very big problem. She has always done this - waiting until she is failing to ask for my help to study, waiting until she doesn't have enough money to pay the tow truck fees to call me for help with her car. I know why she does this - her asshole dad would yell at her for every little thing, so she avoids conflict until it becomes too big to cover up anymore. I told her look, the fact that you're coming to me with this means to me that this is a very big deal, because you tend to avoid asking for help or advice until it is a larger than life problem. You also tend to let details trickle out, you rarely give the full truth on the first, second, or even third go around. So I'm anticipating that there will be more that you want to tell me, and I'm here to listen when you're ready to talk about it.
I am trying my damndest to fight all of my codependent tendencies that make me want to just show up, pack all of her stuff into my car and drive her over to my place. But at a certain point, where does this cross the line into abusive stuff where someone needs to step in?
I can't even imagine what she's going to spill the beans about tomorrow. If I don't reply tomorrow it'll be because I've been arrested for kicking this asshole in the nuts.
[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 12:11 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]