SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, i promise i will not say it to hurt her but i am sure it will and we have caused more than enough hurt to each other to last a life time.

This site has given me so much to think about, before and after i started posting, i am an agnostic but can i say bless you all, if Julie and i come out the other side of this shit show you guys will have a lot to do with putting my mind straight.

I need your advice, we have agreed to be totally honest and she will probably ask me about sex with Claire, if i am totally honest i will have to say it was the best i have ever had. I realise it was new relationship energy plus the illicit nature in a very romantic city but tbh it was wonderful.

What would you say.

If you've agreed to total honesty, you give total honesty. That doesn't mean you have to be tactless. If she asks how it was, you can say that while it's hard to admit it to her, it was physically very good for the reasons you've described above. The question doesn't demand a comparison. If she asks you to compare, you tell the truth, because if you're going to keep lying to each other, neither of you will be able to restore trust.

I hope you understand why you can't reconcile while staying in contact with "the best sex you ever had," especially when part of the reason you think it was so good was the thrill of fucking her while your wife was sobbing at home.

Thank you BSR, I intend to address the running club issue this weekend and if Julie says i have to quit then i will however the last thing i was thinking about whilst i was fucking Claire was my wife "sobbing at home" i was in an erotic fantasy but very real world.

It sounds to me like you're ready to take some really important steps towards healing. I'm happy for both of you.

Mondas,

Silver, which one are you referring to?

Each of these:

What about, say, "he's been ignoring me for years, even when I beg him to work on us and have tried everything to feel closer to him despite his distance, and I cheated to feel wanted/heard/acknowledged again"?

Or "he is emotionally/physically/financially abusive, and I cheated because I so desired a moment of kindness and comfort from someone else, solace in a storm, because I know he'll never let me leave him"?

Or "he's been flirting with other women for years and/or watching porn for years, even though he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset, and even though he hasn't crossed the line into physical or emotional cheating, I felt like I was being cheated as his wife"?

I am curious to know your opinions, and why.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:23 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

Buzzy,

You have to be true to yourself. If the running club is more important than your M, you need to choose the running club. (And if it's more important than your M because of your W's A, so be it.)

If your M is more important, then you need to quit - not for your W, but for you to get what you want.

Making your W choose gives her power she should not have. Also, it makes her the cop and your mom. And sex with one's mom isn't something I even want to think about.

Leaving the club because your W wants you to puts the burden on her. If you quit to 'make her happy,' when R gets tough, you're too likely to blame her for your choice.

IMO, you can't R while still in contact with Claire. You choose. Again, you are entirely free to choose the club. But don't put the responsibility on your W.

You need to take full responsibility for your own choices.

You need to take full responsibility for your own choices.

^ What sisoon said, for everyone, ALL DAY!

(I wish the Quotes thread wasn't closed.)

We all know that people handle being a BS differently. For some people it's a dealbreaker. Some people suffer silently. Some people blow the roof off. Some people immediately try to R. Some people can never get over the "injustice" of it, or the permanent inequality that remains in the marriage.

This was me after D-Day 1 and D-Day 2, but I was not the one who inflicted the first fatal blow. My RA was done in malice. My STBX's many A's were done in malice.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:07 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

(I wish the Quotes thread wasn't closed.)

I'll bet you could get a mod to pry it open for you.

Sisoon, i hear what you say be repectfully disagree, i will give Julie the power in regard to the running club because i want to show her her needs in this matter are greater than my needs. This is one hell of a volte face by me in a very short time but i dont see leaving it up to her as a sacrifice but rather a neccesity for her peace of mind.

TBH if i wanted to screw around i have every oppertunity to do so, i am one level below board level in a large company and have the freedom to come and go at will to a large extent and visit many other companies in the course of my work, hooking up with randomes would be relatively easy and i have had a few oppertunities but have always up until DD brushed them off.

i have had a few oppertunities but have always up until DD brushed them off.

Ummm... does this mean that since D-Day, you haven't been brushing them off?

You are putting the running club decision on her because you know she doesn’t feel she is in a position to tell you to quit and that’s wrong. Why do you think you are entitled to tell her to go NC but you are exempt from the same courtesy. What if sex with her AP was also fantastic ? I hope you are equally understanding.

Talk, communicate, answer all, but remember anything said to be hurtful can never be unheard.

Good luck to the both of you, but Claire should not be in the picture due to her knowingly going to Spain to bang you.

Good luck to both of you.

BSR, no i have not had any other affairs since Spain but I am very much more aware when of when flirting happens and tbh i enjoy it but it stays at flirting.

Thankgiving, i did not ask my wife to go nc i just scared the shit out of the om and informed his wife, me turning up on his doorstep was a real shock to his system.

My wife changing jobs was her choice we did not discuss it, at the time i was giving my wife a lot of do what you want vibes and cold shoulder.

If i have the truth of it they fucked three times and he may have been great in bed, i doubt it he was a flabby fucker and a coward to allow me to intimidate him with no response.

Anyway Julie is getting the kids ready for school and i am going to start packing after my shower.

Wish me luck.

Ok Julie is out now but she seemed pensive this morning, i asked her what was wrong and she said that when she tried to explain why she had her affair before but i was so angry i would not listen and she was worried i would be the same again, i have promised that i will listen and the weekend was to hopefully fully R not to get angry or score points.

good morning buzzy!

Just a couple of things.

1- WAY TO GO! Seriously. I’m so impressed with how much more alert you have become!!!! I think you are doing awesome. I think you’re doing all good things, as is your w. I’m very excited for your weekend together. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy each other. Make it easy by being authentic. By saying you don’t know when it comes up.

2- i do not think you should say the sex is the best you’ve ever had. Bc here’s why... it wasn’t. I thought we’d with my AP was the best I ever had. My body reacted to him in ways I never knew could be possible. But two years later, while I still remember the sex as amazing bc it fucking was, I now have a different level of amazing sex with my H and I so prefer sex with him. Truly. Now, I’m not saying I don’t have things stored in my spank bank or anything cause I do... but eff the spank bank. I want my H. My body reacts to him in a way now that it has never reacted for anyone. He’s somehow become every kind of sex partner I coukd as for. Sometimes it’s sweet and sensual. Sometimes there’s a bit of hair pulling. Sometimes it’s dirty talk. There’s just a new appreciation for him and our marriage that I never had before. We’ve worked hard to be compatible in bed and I’m so glad we have. After you overcome an ordeal with this, there is new love and level of appreciation for your spouse. All if this will make the sex so much more memorable than the sex with AP. It’s better on a different level.

So, when she asks about the sex, tell her you haven’t finished processing it yet and you’re not ready to talk about it. That is fair bc 1- your feelings that Claire is the best sex ever will likely change. 2- once you put that out there, she can never I hear it so you better be sure that’s something that you can live with bc she might not be able to. I wouldn’t. I hope that makes sense. I’m not encouraging you to lie. I just think you shoukd day you haven’t made that area ‘black or white’ in your head yet. It’s still gray.

To say that Buzzy always had it in him to cheat is BS.

His coping skills existed before the stimuli. So, IMO he always had it in him. Plenty of people that don't have RA in reaction to being cheated on.

And, as has also been vociferously pointed out, you are supposed to be perfect even in the face of soul-crushing imperfection in others.

I think all the WS that "get it and own it" would understand why and how. We most definetly would not excuse it. How could we? To excuse it would mean that we should be excused because after all, our own character flaws led us to cope that way too. Empathy and understanding. Not excusing or justifying. Cheating hurt him and he has admitted it. He is now tackling guilt due to choosing to do something wrong and hurtful. He feels guilt because the root of it was grounded in his hit to his ego and pride. He chose to hurt in order to get back up the ladder. He knows it was wrong. It certainly sounds like he doesn't want to be that way or driven by his pride. Sounds like he wants his pride to take a backseat and let compassion drive the bus.

I would tell your wife exactly what you wrote about the sex without the "best thing". With the observation that it was influenced with a new relationship and the environment. In a few months your opinion of the AP might change. You might come to see it has nothing to do with her. Just that someone was there as an object to instantly gratify you and build your hurt pride/ego and it was fun because it was new and different. Not the best. It was very destructive and unhealthy. So, how could it be the best? Your definition of best will change as you tackle your own inner demons. Demons that may have caused a breakdown of your intimacy and marriage with your wife.

Your wife is trying to change and know her whys. Work with her and talk to her about them. Give her observations of her character. Now is the time for you both to be vulnerable about your characters. Strengths and weaknesses.

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 10:00 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

Buzzy, I think you have and are handling the situation as well as can be expected. I may get pummeled here, but I don’t believe a cheating spouse can ever truly understand the pain and devastation that THEY caused.

I did not go the route of having a revenge affair, I went toward immediate filing for divorce and trying to go as little contact with cheating wife as possible. But I do see the rationale behind the revenge affair and telling her about it before it takes place, especially when her affair was relatively short. Now she too knows the pain, the devastation, the fearing of the future, etc.

I’m not sure which is worse, finding out after the fact that your wife slept with another man three times, but knowing there was a period of time when iit built up from a collegial relationship to flirting to kissing, to sex, or knowing your husband is driving off to the airport to be with another woman, especially a friend that is in shape, and not knowing if husband will return, and also knowing he is doing it because of her own actions.

I wish nothing but the best for you and the wife. If the marriage can be saved, that is great. but I think you both are in for a great deal of work. If cheating is a dealbreaker, then I hope for a quick and amicable divorce and the creation of a solid co-parenting relationship.

The soul searing pain does something to you. To say that Buzzy always had it in him to cheat is BS.

It is completely unfair, and complete minimization of the agony a Betrayed goes through on dday. The biggest excuse cheaters give, is that they are broken people. In this case it was Buzzy's wife cheating that broke him.

I've been seeing this all over the place lately and I cannot get behind the thinking here. At all.

The idea that there is something one spouse can do that makes cheating okay and justified is absolute bullshit.

There are plenty of other ways people feel soul crushing hurt, pain, and betrayal besides being cheated on.

What if one spouse is abused?

What if one spouse has an addiction?

What if one spouse is raped?

Do any of those circumstances justify cheating? Or is it JUST your spouse cheating on you that justifies it?

ETA: the other prevailing idea here is that if a BS cheats, it is the WS fault for cheating first.

Certainly I can agree that there is a cause and effect here.

But ultimately, as has been said on these forums over and over and over and over again: the cheating partner is responsible for their own actions. Nothing the other person did MADE them cheat.

Now it's suddenly okay to cheat and blame your spouse in SOME circumstances?

I fundamentally disagree.

Everyone owns their own choices.

If your spouse cheats on you and you have a RA, that is 100% your decision. Own it.

[This message edited by HeartBreaker11 at 11:38 AM, November 8th (Friday)]