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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Menz Thread - Part 34

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WearingTheHorns ( Member #37916) posted at 3:46 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Hope you gents have been keeping safe and warm. Here in Texas we're experiencing winter in a way we're just not used to.

Anyway, a few weeks back I was out with a couple of buddies and I don't remember what prompted it, but I mentioned how WW really treated me like shit when she was cheating. One of the guys said there had been a time years ago he became convinced he had fallen in love with a co-worker. Nothing came of it, but his wife did call him out for how badly he had started treating her out of the blue. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism on a WS's part to justify what they're doing but it made me wonder if it was a common behavior.

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2012
id 8634127
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Notthevictem ( Member #44389) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

Common in my case.

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13360   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8634146
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gutpunch33 ( Member #36484) posted at 1:24 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Gentlemen, pitchers and catchers reported this week! And for the first time, my son is in big league training camp! I won't say what team, but he's going to be a big leaguer one day very soon. It's a very bittersweet occasion. I often wonder would he still have had the drive and desire that it takes had I D'd his mom when he was still growing up. Would he have taken his eye off the ball so to speak. It takes an enormous amount of hard work to get to where he is now. My gut tells me it would have negatively impacted him and severely hurt his drive. I sacrificed a great deal to protect my kids and give them the opportunity to succeed. I'm proud of that, but worry about what it's cost me in terms of happiness.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 8634442
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:03 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Wow! I wish your son the best! What an elite group to be in!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26030   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8634558
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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 3:29 PM on Sunday, February 21st, 2021

gutpunch33, you've given your son the best possible start in life and that's truly admirable.

What do you think it's costs you in terms of happiness?

WTH, if SI's members are to be believed, it's an extremely common behavior.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:31 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8634898
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gutpunch33 ( Member #36484) posted at 6:50 PM on Sunday, February 21st, 2021

Unhinged, it's like having a cataract. Even on those amazing days when I see him play, or hear an interview he did or just hear from him about how camp is going. I'm elated and so proud. And yet, there is a constant cloud or shadow present. The bitter shadow of how much of an idiot his mother is/was to put me in the position of having to protect all my kids from her stupidity.

I have made the analogy that she threw a hand grenade in to the room where we were sitting and I jumped on it to protect them. That analogy is a bit off. It wasn't a hand grenade. It was a radioactive dirty bomb and that cloud of radioactivity still persists to put a cloud over us.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 8634951
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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

The bitter shadow of how much of an idiot his mother is/was to put me in the position of having to protect all my kids from her stupidity.

Oh, I understand that sentiment all too well, brother. Our son was just 4yo when my wife decided to have her ONS while out-of-town at a trade-show. I took the hit for my son. Without him, or had he been older (I tell myself), I'd have divorced her. Infidelity has always been a deal-breaker for me, ever since my HS girlfriend--my first love with whom I lost my virginity-- screwed one of my best friends.

D-day was almost six years ago. And while we've reconciled and tried to rebuild and all that jazz... I think I'd have been happier D'd. I still think I'd be happier D'd. We're friends, for the most part, but the spark, the magic, the passion, is pretty much gone.

My now 10yo son is determined to become a YouTuber. He has his own channel, makes and edits his own videos, finds new tools to use and dreams of a million subscribers and a Lambo to go with it!

I hope he makes his dreams come true.

Which brings me back to your son and the extraordinary things he's accomplished. He's going to "The Show," bro, and a big part of that is having a father willing to go the distance for his son. If his future didn't look so bright, and he was on his way to jail rather the MLB, I'd say second-guessing yourself on that decision would be no-brainer.

Do you think there's something else going on there? A little jealousy? A pang of resentment? Chasing "what if" rabbits? Those furry little fuckers only lead us down the rabbit hole.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8635163
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gutpunch33 ( Member #36484) posted at 1:14 PM on Wednesday, February 24th, 2021

Unhinged, mine had a ONS at a convention. Very similar situations for us then. I too KNOW I'd be happier and more at peace had I D'd her. But, and it's a big but, I'm pretty sure the path for my 3 kids would have been much harder. So, I'm taking the hit for them.

We actually get along pretty well for the most part. We have sex pretty frequently as well. But there is definitely resentment towards her. I frequently roll my eyes at her, look at her like she has a 3rd eyeball or snicker when Karma strikes.

I think it's mostly the weight of bearing it all by myself. In working with an MC, we are discussing the notion of finally telling the kids. They are all over 18 now and it may help me to feel less like Atlas holding up the whole world on my own. It also may help the kids understand their old man better. She's not in favor, imagine that...

We shall see, last one is out of the house to college some August. Empty nest may be a game changer.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 8635834
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, February 24th, 2021

gutpunched, can you wait to tell the kids after the last one

graduates college?

Keep the cloud off of them while in college.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8635843
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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, February 24th, 2021

I think it's mostly the weight of bearing it all by myself. In working with an MC, we are discussing the notion of finally telling the kids. They are all over 18 now and it may help me to feel less like Atlas holding up the whole world on my own. It also may help the kids understand their old man better. She's not in favor, imagine that...

I think oldtruck has a good point about waiting a while. I don't know if telling them will help you or not. I'm pretty sure my father cheated on my mother. I've tried to bring it up, mentioning a few observations from childhood, but he tells me "that's very private." I'm not so sure it would change my opinion of him much (but that's a story in itself). I think my own son is too young to really remember the changes that occurred in me after d-day (he was only 4yo).

I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what to teach my son about fidelity when he starts dating or gets into a serious relationship. I don't know how much of my own experiences I'll share. I do believe that it will be worth it if it helps him to avoid infidelity.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8635920
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otto ( New Member #52042) posted at 8:56 PM on Wednesday, February 24th, 2021

So, here I am on the 5th anniversary of DDay. GP33, Unhinged, you two perfectly put into words what I feel.

I, too, decided to stay for the kids. As a child of divorce (my dad cheated and married his AP), I couldn't put my kids through it. My teen years were misery and I know I still bear the scars. My son was roughly the same age as me when my WW decided to blow up our marriage. So I took the hit. Overall, I'm glad I stayed because the kids are great. Both are fine young people who will do great things in life. I have had more time and memories with them than if I had partial custody. Sometimes, being a parent means you suffer so your kids don't have to.

For me, resentment is my biggest issue. WW has never been forthcoming with truth and I have given up asking. There's just no use anymore.

We get along OK, but as Unhinged said, the passion and love are gone. I feel no desire for her and often wonder just who she really is.

I have 2 years until my youngest goes off to college. I will re-evaluate the marriage then.

As for telling the kids? I don't know. Wait and see I guess.

The good news is that in the last 5 years, I have become more independent and less co-dependent. That's the benefit of not caring so much about the relationship anymore. I bought a small place in the mountains that I go to frequently which is cathartic and really "centers" me. Best thing I ever did. My career is excellent, finances are good, and I look forward to retiring in the next couple of years. It took me a long time to figure out that her affairs had nothing do to with me - she is just a broken person. That helped.

I do wish I had found SI before I confronted her with all the evidence. I wish I had followed the advice that was given so freely to me. And I wish I had understood just what infidelity would do to me as a person. It positively destroyed me. It took me a long, long time to come out of the funk I was in. Like 4 years. But it's getting better, incrementally.

So, even though I rarely post, I visit frequently. A big thanks to all you Menz that speak up and dispense such amazing wisdom for the rest of us. It is appreciated.

*Raises a beer to the next 5 years - whatever they bring*

posts: 22   ·   registered: Feb. 29th, 2016
id 8636000
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Brew3x ( Member #72052) posted at 4:58 AM on Friday, February 26th, 2021

Reading about everyone’s kids made me tear up a bit. For a longtime I thought it didn’t bother me that my WW couldn’t have children but it’s starting to hit me now. I guess I regret not having the opportunity to shape and teach a child.

posts: 233   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8636397
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tbkjcn ( Member #44744) posted at 1:13 AM on Saturday, February 27th, 2021

For a longtime I thought it didn’t bother me

Maybe not quite in the same boat, but at least the next one over. I knew going in that my exWW didn't want kids. And I convinced myself that I was fine with that, and probably even agreed with it. And at any rate I told myself that any input I had was in the minority as I wasn't the one who had to gestate said child. Now that I find I wasted 30 years of my life with her, I find myself seriously regretting that. It's much too late for me now, but I wonder the last couple years what my non-existent 25 year-old son would be like.

Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28

posts: 662   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: IL
id 8636794
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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 4:00 AM on Saturday, February 27th, 2021

Sorry, gents. I had no idea. And I don't know what to say other than I feel ya.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8636826
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Tred ( Member #34086) posted at 4:25 AM on Saturday, February 27th, 2021

Sorry, gents. I had no idea.

There's no sorry in Menz club. There are more permutations of situations than grains of sand in your crotch after sitting in the surf. They both chafe at you, but happen to everyone.

Married: 24 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5786   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 8636827
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 3:40 PM on Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It's much too late for me now, but I wonder the last couple years what my non-existent 25 year-old son would be like.

I thought pretty much the same getting divorced in my mid 40s. Now I have two adult step kids and a 15 year old. It's extended my retirement date out a bit but it's worth it.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8636907
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tbkjcn ( Member #44744) posted at 9:53 PM on Saturday, February 27th, 2021

Sorry, gents. I had no idea

No need to be sorry to me.... My regrets are my own. I just wonder sometimes how my life could have been different if I had taken a different road 9 years before D-Day, when I had my first suspicions and first proof when I assured myself I was mistaken. Instead, I spent another 9+ years in a marriage that I didn't know had already failed.

It's extended my retirement date out a bit but it's worth it.

I'm a bit older than you I think. I'm almost close enough to see retirement on the horizon. Assuming I started today, I'd start paying for college at about 75. These days I get my fill with cousin's children's children, and younger friends kids. That way I can give them back when they smell bad, or get loud

The job I applied for back in December, that got around to interviewing me in mid-January seems to have ghosted me. I got one reply to an email I sent about two weeks after the interview, but no replies to the two I've sent since, in spite of the manager assuring me that they'd let me know "one way or the other.". My contacts at that org report that no one new has started however, so I still hold out hope.

Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28

posts: 662   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: IL
id 8637890
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 1:53 AM on Sunday, February 28th, 2021

I assumed the ages in the profile was current. I was a year or two younger when I was Divorced. I think we're pretty close in age now. I started dating my current wife a year later. Her youngest was in first grade at the time. As long as he doesn't take the ten year plan in college, I can still retire at 60.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8637936
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tbkjcn ( Member #44744) posted at 3:32 AM on Sunday, February 28th, 2021

I assumed the ages in the profile was current.

No worries. I figured it was easier to keep it relative to d-day than to update it every year.

As long as he doesn't take the ten year plan in college, I can still retire at 60.

The way things are going the last 10 years, I'll be doing good to retire before that 75th birthday anyway....

I think one of the things that bothers me is as the only male child in my generation on my father's side of the family, the family name dies with me. That's kinda sad....

Oh, if anyone is interested, here's the latest project I started last week, now that it's not life-threatening to be outdoors all night.... At only 90 minutes total exposure time, it's still pretty early in the process. I want to add another hour or two maybe next week when the moon gets out of the way...

It's one of several targets in Orion I want to get before it goes away until next winter.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 9:42 PM, February 27th (Saturday)]

Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28

posts: 662   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: IL
id 8637952
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TheLostOne2020 ( Member #72463) posted at 12:51 PM on Monday, March 1st, 2021

WearingTheHorns

Anyway, a few weeks back I was out with a couple of buddies and I don't remember what prompted it, but I mentioned how WW really treated me like shit when she was cheating. One of the guys said there had been a time years ago he became convinced he had fallen in love with a co-worker. Nothing came of it, but his wife did call him out for how badly he had started treating her out of the blue. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism on a WS's part to justify what they're doing but it made me wonder if it was a common behavior.

Common in my case. Looking back, I recognize that my ex was doing the Gottman 4 horseman thing. She criticized nearly everything I did. From what lane I was driving in, to what I chose to clean in the house, to what I fed people. It's strange, I didn't realize it at the time. She treated me like absolute garbage.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8638177
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