SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was asked by another BS who I admire greatly for his journey recently, if I felt I was healed. My response to him was to laugh.....

Just a few shorts weeks later (today) after leaving EMDR, I sat in the car and thought to myself; My God, I am almost healed from this shit storm. I sat stunned for a moment, cried a bit and drove home.

It's as though a steel band that has been keeping me in one place has snapped and I can finally move forward with this in my review mirror. Those who have gotten to this point, can relate...

Yes, I have a bit of clean up to do (regarding Desire, sex, etc) but these are all in relation to the new marriage and I how I view these aspects as a result not only of the affair but also my own past trauma's.

A wise WS told me, she felt I would get to the brink of being "ok" and then pull myself back and she is right. I do, do this and this is the last remaining affair related item I need to address.

How do I know I've healed?

I show empathy, compassion, grace and mercy to my wife both verbally and through thought. Instead of verbally expressing it, while mentally thinking something else. It is genuine.

I am able to look at her affair as an unfortunate trauma on both of our paths and know it no longer defines or controls us. We are forging ahead together.

I can view our future together without tinges of retribution, revenge or I shoulda (left/kicked her out, etc). I view it together, growing old, with our kids and future grandkids, retired on Lake Erie.

You get the jist, so I won't bore you with more. Just know those of you struggling, if you focus 100% on yourself, you can heal and come out on the other side stronger, wiser and a total bad ass!

It's been a long 31 months but I'm almost there and the future looks bright...

YESSSSSS...say it !!!

When BOTH spouses are ALL IN...R is wonderful !!! After I faced each hurdle...and conquered it...it was like I had a game plan and there was no turning back!!! I hope you keep on healing!!!

You know...this is a great post to put in the “Positive Reconciliation Stories” thread !!! A BH was asking about stories from other BH’s... and yours will be an awesome addition to that page!!!

Yesss!!! If you believe, it will come to you!

This too shall pass away!!!

With God nothing is impossible!!!!

You are healed.

Instead of verbally expressing it, while mentally thinking something else. It is genuine.

This is gold.

I so often don't say the things I'm thinking. I say what should be said to repair things and mutter nasty stuff in the back of my mind.

BUT I'm doing that less. And have realised that since reading your post.

It's still hard and those revenge thoughts etc are still there. But less.

I hope to get to your level soon! Thank you for posting that.

Want2be...

I'll say it just for you! I am almost healed! It is a freeing moment.

I don't know how to get this over to that part of the forum, sadly.

Endy,

Yes, with God all things are possible. My IC ensures I keep spirituality to the forefront and continues to remind me to give it over to the lord!

Bijou,

I completely agree. It is hard to get the snarky/ironic/hypocrisy comments out of our sub conscious. I am sure they will always surface from time to time. However, I think it's much like everything else. As we heal they diminish on their own, but I also think we have to be mindful of them and 'reprogram' our brain like we do with intrusive thoughts, triggers, etc.

Keep doing you and you'll get there!

I hope you are almost there, you have had an uphill battle and have had horrendous foo to heal to boot. But- I want to caution you- because there have been so many posts where you say “this one last thing is bothering me” you have said it in some questions months and months ago in I can relate that I specifically remember.

I am saying this because I think you are doing something a lot of us wayward do- it’s kind of the bargaining stage of grief I think. I know throughout the journey every time I feel the road has gotten straight again and we are almost in the clear, around comes another turn. We want to feel happy. We want our new normal to finally appear. We want for things to be good again. These things are natural. And I am so happy to see you feel celebratory as what you are saying is logical and sounds healthy. What I am cautioning you against is when the next turn happens then it feels like a sucker punch. And that can be so devastating after feeling so good.

I am just suggesting it might feel more authentic to you to say I am healing and I am so happy with our progress. So when the next thing hits you have perspective that healing is not linear and this is normal and what it looks like. I get this sense that every time something takes a turn for the worse emotionally you feel that it’s out of place or not normal. I think if you ever saw he drawing of healing there is a lot of chaos in the beginning and then times the lines are straight and they get curly and messy again and again. Each time it’s for a shorter period of time for the messy and longer for the straight road of progress.

This was a long winded way of saying -healing is not linear, celebrate your progress and recognize there really isn’t a finish line. Embrace the happy times when you can and be patient with your self through the struggling times.

I will celebrate with you- the month of August was a messy time for me. Give or take some time July and early September. Like you I am feeling strong and happy right now. But when the next messy time happens I am going to embrace it and ask it what it’s telling me. There are gifts to receive in that messy time just like there are gifts to receive in this peaceful and happy time. I wish you more and more peaceful and happy times.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:35 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

This is so amazing!!! Thank you for sharing! I am so happy for you both!!!

Brennan87,

My God, I am almost healed from this shit storm

I celebrate this mile stone with you but also caution you; neither of you are the people you will be a year from now, 5 years from now so the work must continue.

I was once told that while the wound is healed the physical therapy will last a lifetime.

Getting this post to that thread... I can definitely help with that .

Just highlight your original post...click “copy”... then go to the “Positive Reconciliation Stories” thread that is pinned to the top of this forum...click on page 24...go to the bottom of that page...click on “Post Reply to this Topic”...put your cursor into the reply box that pops up at the top...and click on “paste”. Easy peasy !!! I hope this helps .

I am able to look at her affair as an unfortunate trauma on both of our paths and know it no longer defines or controls us.

That's a pretty cool update.

My recovery really started once I understood infidelity doesn't define me or my life. And my wife had to get to a point where she wasn't going to let it define her as well.

Good, bad, great, horrible, flaws and all, we're the total sum of everything we do, and not one specific event or trauma on our timeline.

I hope you get to heal some more.

I am able to look at her affair as an unfortunate trauma on both of our paths and know it no longer defines or controls us.

What a fantastic perspective! Happy for you both Brennan!

Like HO says, there are likely hard days somewhere in the future, but you have moments like this to leverage- Ever forward!

Maise,

Thank you! I won't deny it's not been horrific to get here, but enjoying the spoils certainly is refreshing...…

Fooled,

I can't agree more. Improving ourselves is a life long journey. Thank you for the reminder of that!

Want2be....

Definitely helps and I'll copy it over there shortly.

Oldwounds,

I'm glad you too are able to see that one event (however long) doesn't define you. This is a huge revelation for all of us, in fact, any one that has suffered trauma.

JBWD,

Thank you! Upward and onward, thank you for the cautionary tale as well.

Great, Brennan!

I'm really happy for you, especially because your 'almost healed' is probably your core being declaring, 'and I'm not gonna stop!'

HO,

I was waiting for you...…:)

The actual name of my post was in reference to exactly what you have pointed out. Knowing I can go long in the tooth in my posts/responses I didn't want to bore anyone and detract from the positive by outlining all that it entails.

You are 100% spot on. In fact this week in counseling I even mentioned to the therapist that my inability to be completely vulnerable at times, creates a cycle. Hence if I announce I'm close to healing, when will I fall off the rails again. It's almost guaranteed. :)

With that being said. As you've pointed out, I so want it behind me that I have a case of Hopium to get past it. If I get these things checked off, I'll be good. The past two weeks between EMDR and counseling have really closed the loop on some outstanding items for me. Think chipping away at the list. Ironically, when I look at the list, I have little desire to complete the rest. I've come to the realization and acceptance that even as a linear thinker. There will always be things I need to address, achieve introspection on and may emotionally react too. Prior to the past several weeks I held the belief that if I did my "check list" once done. I'd never have another thought, emotional reaction, trigger, etc. That's not reality nor healthy. I will always be a work in progress.

So as far as I am almost healed, (in addition to what i initially posted) I also have found and have accepted my new normal. This topic is not the center of my universe any longer and very few situations or occurances does it influence my reactions and actions nor thoughts. Its it still there, yes. Will it always be, yes. Will I have moments of struggle yes. But my perspective is what has shifted. It's a part of my fabric, but it isn't the only thing in the fabric of my life. I lend it to other trauma's now such as the loss of my father. At the age of 14 I was devastated, lost, grieving, couldn't function. Today? I still think of him ever day, I even have days of "what if he had lived". I still cry at his grave site when I visit. But I don't blame him any more for leaving me. I don't wallow in that grief at some point I picked myself up and moved forward. This is how I view the affair in terms of healing.. I will still cry over it at times, I will still fall off the rails but I'm moving forward. I prefer to grab my wife's hand in the amusement park without realizing I've done it, versus watching my hand in slow motion reach out and my brain saying "what are you doing". This is where I am. As a linear thinker if I don't have that finality if "I am healed/almost healed", then I will never take that giant leap either and be all in. Thus I've taken that leap.....

Does that make more sense? I probably should have included that originally...….

Yes. It makes complete sense. I felt like I was being a Debbie downer with my post but I identify with you more than you may even realize. I have been able to point things out to you because I recognize it in my own experience. I have often thought I was further along then got hit when I found I wasn’t. And I had such a good stretch of time before another bad round for me hit later in July. I think I spiraled longer than I would have if I had realized I was gonna hit those times again. It was truly disconcerting and knocked me on my ass.

And then I came out of it saying the same thing you are saying. That’s a lot of what my living with it post was about -coming to terms with really embracing what people mean by healing is not linear and recognizing my destiny wasn’t in the future - it is my new normal. I find it fascinating really that I find my own reflections in your posts at times yet I am the ws and you are the bs. But we are all grieving something I suppose.

Anyway- I truly am happy for you. These times of good will stay longer and longer, and I think we have to know that we deserve it, regardless of the shame that was brought on from past abuse. In some ways maybe I just identify with you in that way, healing from past sexual abuse that we had tried to push down and lock up. Anyway, congrats! I truly do hope you get to stay in that happiness for as much of your life that is possible.

Brennan -

Really great to read this post. I celebrate ANY day where we feel closer to "healed".

This...

I prefer to grab my wife's hand in the amusement park without realizing I've done it, versus watching my hand in slow motion reach out and my brain saying "what are you doing". This is where I am.

is my favorite part. I would love to get there some day. I don't hold hands with my WH anymore. Or touch him really. The other night in bed my leg wandered over to his while I was sleeping. He told me the next day how happy that made him - and I knew the only reason my brain had allowed it was because it was not fully awake. How wonderful that your brain has stopped this kind of thinking.

Many good thoughts for continued forward progress!

HO,

No Debbie downer at all and I definitely didn't take it that way.

Thank you. I do think past abuse colors our view and our healing and makes it more difficult at times regardless of WS or BS.

I think the key you outlined is knowing, understanding and accepting that its not a once and done. I'm healed so nothing else is needed now, is a misnomer. Once we get to the understanding and acceptance there will be days and maybe weeks we'll still fall helps us get there!

TX1995

I'm glad you found some value out of it. The fact that you were half asleep (IMO) tells me that you do want that again with your WH but your mind just won't let you get there again. That's a much better position to be in than, you being half asleep and you not making the attempt. It's progress right. Reclaim yourself, this isn't really about the WS at this point. If he is doing everything else "right". It's you and your mind, I couldn't live another day knowing the one I profess to love with all my heart, I had to consciously think about touching, etc. No way to live for me. Once I made that decision, it all became that much easier!

I'm glad you feel so positive and healed.

I think it's normal to feel ok and pull yourself back. That is your brain and its warning system trying to keep you safe. There are also so many external factors that can set you back, but you are in control of your healing so you are also in control of any relapses. And I think each relapse takes you less backwards, and eventually the relapses are so far and few between there is little to no backwards movements. I see the true measurement of successful healing on how you bounce back from the relapses. To not expect any of them is probably unrealistic so the next best thing is to accept they can and might happen and be glad you have better coping and tools to deal with them and as a person you're stronger and better equipped. For me that's a massive part of healing.

But you should celebrate the victories when they come and feeling like you're no longer pinned by that band is really amazing and no small feat. It should be recognised as a significant and positive turning point.

Tent...

You raise a great point. How we face and address the relapses is critical. Not that we let our guard down for when these few and far betweens will occur, but how we own them, address them and move forward.

Thanks for your insight!