Incarnate posted 8/30/2019 01:40 AM

So, Tuesday night, I took off my tungsten wedding ring and looked it over.

When we first got together, STBEW and I were just kids. I was 17, and she was 19. I could only afford a $100 kMart bridal set. I didn't even have a ring for the longest time; we ended up getting me a small silver band for $11.00. I wore it until it broke.

For our 10th anniversary, I designed a ring that we had looked at that she had wanted when we first got together; a princess cut ruby with four marquis cut emerald chips to make it look like a rose, set in white gold. I took her original ring from her jewelry box (where it had been for two years since the band of the cheap gold had worn through) and had them pull the 10 1/25 kt diamonds from it and drill set them into the band. I hand picked the stones and worked directly with the stone setter for placement and setting. It's a beautiful ring. She wore it only a handful of times.

I, on the other hand, went out and picked my own tungsten band. She wasn't interested in coming with me or giving input; I figured she was just tired or stressed or whatever. For the second time, I took care of my own wedding ring. Should have been a sign.

We plan on selling off her ring and using the money to pay down our mutual debt before we finalize the divorce. That's fine for me. I paid $3700 for it in 2012, I don't know how much it'll be worth now. I know I won't get what I paid.

My tungsten ring was of little value; I think I paid $80 for it.

I was rolling it back and forth in my fingers, admiring how shiny it was; no scratches (because it's tungsten), heavy, solid... everything my marriage should have been but wasn't. My marriage was broken.

So I took it out into my workshop, I put it on the ground, and I smashed it with a hammer. It shattered like glass. I took my silverworking tools and some 20 gauge wire and I made myself a new ring out of silver chainmaille. It fits snugly onto my right ring finger, not the left. The left ring finger gets to stay bare now. She keeps wearing that fucking white gold and diamond starfish pendant they gave her as THEIR symbol of our shattered relationship, now I proudly wear my own.

She's noticed but hasn't said a word about it.

Whatever. When I look at the shattered pieces of the tungsten ring that I gathered up and left on my jewelry table, I am both incredibly sad, and at the same time, determined.

Fitting that I should replace a solid, brittle collar with a piece of shining silver armor.

I am going to do something that I haven't done since I started writing shortly after DDay1. I am going to sit in my chair in my freshly cleaned room and read; The Book of Five Rings, a martial and spiritual guide written by Miyamoto Musashi, the greatest swordsman to have ever lived in Japan.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 1:51 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Maudlin posted 8/30/2019 07:38 AM

I threw ours off the top of a mountain. He never commented.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 8/30/2019 10:20 AM

I just sold our rings. I will warn you now...don’t have ANY high expectations on getting much for them. They depreciate faster than cars!

EllieKMAS posted 8/30/2019 10:55 AM

Fitting that I should replace a solid, brittle collar with a piece of shining silver armor.

Yes sir! This is awesome.

I still have my wedding ring. I don't know yet what I want to do with it, so just hanging on to it for right now. But am considering taking it and having it melted down and making new ring out of it. I know for damn sure I can't ever wear it again.

hcsv posted 8/30/2019 11:42 AM

I live at the beach and there seems to be so many posts on the town facebook page. "I found a ring at the beach. call to identify".

I always wonder if it was a betrayed spouse who tossed it into the ocean, only to have it wash up and be found.

My first thought is to toss that sucker back.

J707 posted 8/30/2019 12:02 PM

Mines in the Pacific ocean. I did a solo camping trip in the coastal redwoods and on the ride home I stopped at a beach I love. I sat there, opened a beer and said my goodbyes looking like a crazy person. While I realized I held up to what it meant to me, it was worthless weight and a shame of a M. That was on a Saturday and to my surprise I got my paperwork back on Monday saying my D was final the day before I threw it half way to Hawaii I toyed with the idea of cutting it in half and giving it back to her but I liked my other idea better.

Cheatee posted 8/30/2019 12:47 PM

I gave mine to her, as a symbol I was done and since I had no use for it. What she did with it is of zero interest to me.

Brave30 posted 8/30/2019 13:22 PM

I sold my wedding band, along with all of the other jewelry my XH ever bought me, because I really needed the money to put towards my attorney's retainer. Your way sounds much more empowering, and I'm a bit envious. I wanted to do something far more symbolic and destroy my wedding band. But, practicality won out.

Instead, on the one year anti-versary of DDay #2, I burned our signature mat and engagement photo that we used as our wedding guestbook. Still one of the most cathartic moments of my life.

Strength to you as you continue to move forward.

Thumos posted 8/30/2019 13:43 PM

after D-day I stopped wearing my ring - the original gold band I'd been wearing all these years. I told her it made me sick to wear it, that I felt it was mocking me, and that it didn't fit anymore.

She's since gone on a buying flurry and bought me a number of flexible rubber rings for guys who are physically active. I admit I'm fairly careless with these and lose them regularly, not on purpose but just because I'm not paying all that much attention. If they meant something substantial to me, I'm sure I wouldn't lose them all the time.

I wear them sometimes for appearance's sake -- but not regularly. Most days I don't.

wildbananas posted 8/30/2019 14:11 PM

ex-asshat gave his ring (the one he only wore when he wanted R ) to our oldest and said he might want it because it might mean something to him someday (huh?). Oldest promptly sold it and pocketed the $40.

I honestly don't know what happened to my ring. The stone fell out years before we D and ex-asshat said I didn't need a replacement of any kind. I know it was in a box with some other stuff but it disappeared in a move. It didn't mean much to me anyway at that point. It was only $600 new, so I doubt I would have gotten much if I'd sold it.

Funny, the thought of any sort of ring on that finger now (gosh... a total of 18ish years later?) makes me twitchy. And that's even with my SO of 6+ years, who is a great guy. No thanks.

Xphyter posted 9/11/2019 21:49 PM

I stopped wearing my wedding band after DDay. I was going to throw it.But I didn't.It sits in my fathers gun safe, I looked at it for the first time in over a year. Just seeing it makes me trigger the slide show of memories...but it's only a inanimate object. I plan on giving it to my next love....my next custom built Shiloh Sharps rifle with gold inlay ;] Thanks for the gold ex-ww!!

Maudlin posted 9/11/2019 22:57 PM

I tossed his off a mountain, but I need to pawn mine and donate the money to something he hates. Don’t care if it’s only $20, it’s the idea. I’m back in the US this weekend, think I’ll do it then.

Now to choose a charity...

(I am fully owning the petty ass bitch I am, I kind of like her.)

LifeSong posted 9/12/2019 00:07 AM

I stopped wearing my ring after the shock wore off and when I began seriously suspecting that our R was false.

Yet, another "thing" that went from beautiful to disgusting and triggering.

On three separate occasions, I boxed up the ring inside an empty Girl Scout cookie box (because AP2 was so much younger and she had sent a text to asshat about me. She said that I should have backed off and let them have a relationship... that even though I'm old, should know about "girl code" which I had broken by interfering with their A). What the actual f*ck?

Each time I boxed up the ring, there was the ring and a note, wrapped in the Girl Scout cookie box - and addressed to her. I backed out each time. I thought doing such a thing was petty and probably no different than using the term "girl code" to describe devastating infidelity. I also had lingering hope that we could get to a healthy R. Nope.

I gave the ring back to X.

AbandonedGuy posted 9/12/2019 00:36 AM

My ex handing me back her engagement ring a week after DDay fucking killed me. I still have it and my own ring a year later. I'm going to Crater Lake soon and debated tossing those bastards in but my inner cheapskate probably won't let me.

jadedangel posted 9/12/2019 02:52 AM

I had 2 sets, one yellow gold and the other in white gold.

I ended up bartering my rings to my Aunt to pay for babysitting for my infant son at the time so that I could work.

Best use of the rings and I had months of babysitting paid.

sillyoldsod posted 9/12/2019 06:55 AM

..but my inner cheapskate probably won't let me.

20yrsagoBS posted 9/13/2019 09:48 AM

I bought a new set, with huge diamonds, in 2005. He didn’t get much choice in the matter since I was buying it.

His AP from 1996 DDay claimed he gave her my wedding band

CatsNTats posted 9/13/2019 12:17 PM

Incarnate,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Do you happen to know any jewelers personally?

I sold some on consignment from my first marriage through a family member of my now 2nd STBXWH's that owns a jewelry store. She cut me a deal on the percentage they keep (as all jewelers keep some percentage) as a family discount. What I had planned to do with the money originally never happened and I had almost forgotten it was even there. But when it was time to go for my own safety this Summer, I contacted her and cashed out and used the money to put down a deposit on a place to move out.

I think you would get more this way for hers over pawning it. That, or selling it personally on-line (E-bay? maybe), but honesty, who knows how long either could take.

-Cats

AbandonedGuy posted 9/13/2019 12:41 PM

How about we start an app where people can trade their old wedding and engagement rings of similar value. Anyone looking to make official a second (or 3rd or 4th etc.) wife/husband could use the app to trade their old expensive reminder of a shitty decision for someone's else's expensive reminder of a shitty decision. To a stranger, that other person's old ring is just another ring. And you pay a small fee to the app to make the trade.

Sounds like it could work as long as there are enough people who aren't superstitious about "failed" rings. And enough people who both kept the rings (instead of throwing them into the sewer) and also want to get remarried (instead of removing themselves from the marital pool once and for all). Honestly, not a bad idea, maybe I should delete this and get to coding...

Pinkypeach posted 9/13/2019 15:45 PM

Mine is in my jewellery box but I would LOVE to get it made in to armour - that is the best idea I have ever heard. You should always value that craftsmanship and its meaning - dont compare it to her starfish- that's a sign of lies and deceit