SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told him to stay the F#&* away from MY house and MY kids. I said that I have been nice up until now and he would not like if I am not in the future. I told him that I will be a big problem for him if he does not stay away from MY house and MY kids

I double the advice above to not say anything even remotely like this, ever. You have zero upside, and massive downside, like DV allegations, arrest, and even losing child custody. My strongest possible suggestion is to have no interaction of any sort with the POSOM.

Dear mrnicehockeyguy,

I’ve followed your story, and now I feel I have a need to post. Please remember, this is only my opinion. I’m speaking as a man and a father and nothing more. I concur with your decision to approach your wife’s AP. He came into your home and totally disrespected your kids and yourself by having sex in your home. He crossed every boundary in the world. In all due respect to any poster who might disagree with your decision to confront your AP, I would had done the same thing.

Best,

Bigheart

I want to be clear that her actions in bringing OM into the house are in extreme bad taste and I fully understand why you might feel a need to confront OM about it. You guys are divorcing. You are terminating the marriage-covenant. Manners, decency and good taste would dictate that you both show discretion in dating or establishing relationships with others until this process is over, but your wife has already shown you can’t make those expectations from her.

However…

A confrontation of this type can be extremely counterproductive from a legal viewpoint.

Legally this is her home. Her residence. There is IMMENSE legal protection for people in their legal abodes. Laws do not reach out to bad taste and decency. If your WW can prove to a police officer that you are threatening her guests or her or those that are legally visiting her she can file a case for domestic abuse and – once the D papers are filed and being dealt with – a motion for prime residence in the home.

In plain English: You could be escorted off the premises with a legal ban on being there.

Dear mrnicehockeyguy,

When it come to the rule of law, it can vary state to state. Some posters will give you there legal advice on many issues. I would advise you to consult your attorney on any legal situation I've render my legal decisions in many cases in the courtroom but would never give any legal advise here at SI. Consult your attorney.

Best,

Bigheart

Not trusting legal advice on SI is the best advice offered on this site.

True that the laws vary from state-to-state, but I am about 100% certain that the list with the states where my warning applies would be at least 5x longer than the list where it isn’t applicable. I would at the very least look into what your state has to say on these issues.

We have already established that your wife isn’t trustworthy. Don’t put it below her abilities to scheme for getting you removed from the home.

I reiterate my reiteration of Bigger's advice. Grey rock from this point forward. Act as if you dont ser them, even if you walk in on the humping like bunnies in the foyer.

Keep a diary of her actions and share it with your lawyer.

@Bigheart2018

Thanks for the message.

That is as far as I am going to go with any interaction with him. It was my 'shot across the bow'. (and as nervewracking as it was for me, I put on a mean front and could tell he was scared sh*tless.)

Also, I have already contacted my lawyer about possibly filing a TRO against WW and POSOM, as well as the likelihood of WW trying to file one against me to get me out of the house. She advised that there is no evidence to support either.

I will a total GREY ROCK for the next two days until I have a weeklong vacation away from her with MY children.

Also, upon the advice of my lawyer I will basically be NC with WW other than through text about kids.

And:

I finally called and talked to my MIL and SIL and both agree with me and said they will 'make sure' that WW doesn't screw me over. They both know her primary concerns are selfish = her job, her affair, her money, her living situation, her health insurance. Both realize WW is not concerned with me nor our children. And that she is crazy, alcoholic, etc...

The sooner she is out of MY house and NC the better for me!

I will just warn you to be careful what you say to WW's family. Obviously I know nothing of them, but they will likely talk to WW about things you discuss with them. Anything you don't want WW to hear, don't share with her family. It may not even be out of spite, but they will probably be looking to help her and protect her interests, not yours.

I am going to respectfully disagree a little bit. I think it is okay to confide in your in-laws using discretion of course. I think it is true tha5 the in-laws generally side with their offspring as blood is thicker than water. Your FIL is your boss. You work for him and have a close personal relationship with him. Both your MIL and FIL have supported you throughout this mess, and are disgusted what your WW’s actions. Also, since it appears your WW is willing to relinquish custody the in-laws desperately want t9 keep a connection with their GC. Although I would be circumspect, I think you are doing just fine.

You mentioned your WW is an alcoholic which also helps to explain a lot of things. This is another arrow in your quiver to use as you proceed through the D process. Again, you seem like a solid guy and Ibam sorry you are going through this. But believe it when people tell you, that you are doing very well. Cont8nue on and good luck.

I finally called and talked to my MIL and SIL and both agree with me and said they will 'make sure' that WW doesn't screw me over.

If this is the same sister who knew about the affair at DDay, I'd take that with a grain of salt. Your WW was already screwing you over, and she didn't tell you. Admittedly, that's a difficult position to be in, with loyalties divided between one's sibling and what's right. But if that's the same sister, she's already failed once to look out for your best interests. It's a nice, supportive offer, but blood is thicker than water. Better to keep any sensitive information close to the vest.

@ChamomileTea

To clarify, the SIL was referring to being supportive because she is a mother of two, and despite her ties to her sister, she have a lot of sympathy being a child of divorce herself for my two DD.

So she was referring to not letting WW screw me over in reference to co-parenting. But I am not too concerned with that since 1) we live in a 50/50 split county, and 2) I would hope that any custody judge would be able to view all the evidence available to be presented and would not rule in anything less for me than 50/50.

Well, that makes sense. Like I said earlier, it's got to be an excruciatingly difficult place to be in, caught between loyalty and what's right. I wouldn't like to walk in those shoes. Fortunately for me, my sister is practically a saint, who's never done ill to anyone in her life. lol

You've got a good head on your shoulders though. Just watch for your WW's attempts at image management. Most cheaters like to control the narrative.

Don’t give your wife the house , bc you will b giving her boyfriend a house. You put a down payment on it and payments all these years. In most instances the house has to b sold. Let OM figure out how to buy them a house.?

Recent developments:

My WW may be coming around to MY terms for separation and eventual D.

I will be staying in MY house.

She will be moving out into a townhouse that we both agree will be acceptable for our DD to visit.

I feel as though I am being more than fair in agreeing to split all marital assets (and debts) 50/50.

The timeline is as soon as closings can be scheduled.

And I am going to be very patient and thoughtful with who, when, how, why, and how much I will choose to share the reasons for this separation.

MY terms, MY decisions, MY life.

As long as you are satisfied with the terms, I hope they come to fruition. It certainly sounds reasonable. My guess is that your WW will be giving up a lot of her time with your dd to pursue her selfish ends. You are doing very well.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:53 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

How's it going?

The update is that I am in the middle of a weeklong vacation with my children.

Trying to do my best to stick with the 180.

The night I left, POSOM met my WW at my house and OBS went and confronted them. POSOM tried to get OBS to come into my house to talk. He is still lying and trying to have cake and it eat too.

Unbelievable.

Should be interesting when I return.

I have basically ghosted WW.

I will be staying in MY house.

She will be moving out into a townhouse that we both agree will be acceptable for our DD to visit.

I feel as though I am being more than fair in agreeing to split all marital assets (and debts) 50/50.

The timeline is as soon as closings can be scheduled.

I dunno. I think I'd tell her straight up that if she wants the polite deal you've outlined above, she'll keep that piece of shit out of your house. Otherwise, there's always divorce on grounds of adultery and a permanent record of both their perfidy since you'll be citing him in the complaint. That's still going to be your HOME when she vacates it. The last thing you need is any further psychologically damaging triggers or associations. Although I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of an explanation. I'd just tell her to keep him out or explain it to the judge in family court.

Mrhockey, from what you've written, the OBS is pretty much a push over denier. If she saw them having sex, shed probably accept the lie that he fell onto her fully naked. Its really no longer your concerned, you told her, helped her out and she just can't and won't accept the truth staring right into her face.

You should just move on, and concentrate on you and the kids. NC and get the D finalized. It'll be so much better once its done.