SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just read your story. Good job on filing for D. She obviously isn't snapping out of her fantasy rainbow unicorn land anytime soon. Yes, none of us wanted to file but sometimes it is the only choice, we had to. Continue to focus on you and your kids. I printed out the 180 as a reminder check list. You'll find the more distance you get from their bizarro world the fresher your mind will be. She is showing you who she is. It's a mind trip definitely but the further away you get, the better it gets. Keep strong, you've handled yourself nicely, keep it up!

Well there should be no doubt you made the right decision to file.

The reality is nothing should surprise you.

You are correct. Your best path is no contact except for kids, business text or email only.

Does your WW know she's busted? Honestly, I'd be on the phone with the attorney first thing Monday morning to find out how to keep that POS out of my house.

In the interim... install security cameras. Put in two of them, let her see you doing it, and then put in another one she doesn't know about. Make sure they've got battery back-up and that YOU are the one getting the feed. If she give you one iota of shit, look her right in the eye and tell her you don't mind changing the petition to "grounds of adultery" and issuing a subpoena to her POSOM so they can BOTH be on the public record as adulterers. Sometimes, the WS doesn't care if they're called to court themselves, but will back down when it comes to making trouble for their AP...... In your WW's case, I still think she's likely the pursuer in this, so maybe a threat like that will carry some heft. If you live in an "alienation of affections" state, even better.

I think there's something to be said for outlining the kind of behavior which is acceptable, particularly with your children in the home. Speak to your attorney about it, but honestly, if it were me, I'd email her an explicit directive that she NOT invite the AP into my home again, that I consider him to be unwelcome there, and that her extramarital affair is a perversion of the kind of morality you're attempting to exemplify for the children. Likely as not, there won't be anything much you can do to stop her, but at least you'd have a paper trail stating that you've got a problem with it, particularly from a parenting perspective.

ETA: Did the OBS happen to take photos of his car in your driveway?

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

@ChamomileTea

Thanks for the advice.

I did email the lawyer with instructions for her to notify my WW that if she agrees to MY terms for D, then file no-fault, but if she does not then I will file at-fault due to infidelity and make their A public record.

No, he parked his car down the street, not in my driveway.

Well, yesterday the primary feeling was ANGER.

After getting home and discovering more evidence that POSOM and WW had sex in MY house in the guest room I was increasingly MAD.

So, I went to the POSOM's house to confront him. The whole family was not their, but his MIL was. I talked to her briefly cordially.

Then I went for a motorcycle ride. Just by coincidence, guess who I notice driving behind me? The POSOM! So I let him pass me then I start honking and flashing my lights to get him to pull over. He drive to a public park so there were some people around, which was smart.

I tell that SOB I know where he was last night and what he did. I told him to stay the F#&* away from MY house and MY kids. I said that I have been nice up until now and he would not like if I am not in the future. I told him that I will be a big problem for him if he does not stay away from MY house and MY kids. I said I don't care if you F*&# that bitch.

He was so meek and scared! Ha!

That was a warning.

Then I immediately called the OBS and told her sorry. She still wants to catch them together. He is still lying to her and denying. She thinks she may not D unless she catches them together. Whatever.

I have to be concerned with myself. It has been a rough twenty four hours. Didn't really eat yesterday. Was able to sleep last night. Did get up this morning to exercise.

Haven't told the WW any of this, but I did tell her as she was leaving for work today to have a good day. Ha.

She still wants to catch them together. He is still lying to her and denying. She thinks she may not D unless she catches them together. Whatever.

Well, you have the VAR content. You have documentation of your WW's whereabouts. Put those and other evidence you have together for your final evidence kit for the OBS. The only question is WHEN to hand it to her. Talk to your attorney about this and see if doing so now will or have the potential to impact your own D process in any way. If it does, give it to her after your own D finalizes. Bottom line, you have to think about what is best for you and your kids first and foremost. If the OBS will not act, that is her prerogative. She may have her own reason but they are separate from your objective of kicking your own STBXW to the curb.

I will say the best outcome will be when your STBXW is served and the shit hits the fan at her workplace and the OBS to dangle to possibility of R to the OM so that he can kick your STBXW to the curb as his "out". Why? So that SOB will no longer be a part of your little girls' lives in the future. That should be your primary objective at this point along with getting as much as you are legally entitled to in the D and getting the hell out of infidelity. Since you you have filed might as well ask your attorney about filing TRO to keep the AP out of your marital home given your STBXW and the AP can't act like responsible adults with children around. When he gets served that TRO it should strike some more fear of consequences that will likely come his way. Something about getting served a court order with your name emblazoned upon it tends to make shit feel pretty fucking real, including that petition your STBXW is about to get.

Haven't told the WW any of this,

Definitely keep tight lipped about it. No point in helping her fill in the details of yesterday's events.

but I did tell her as she was leaving for work today to have a good day.

Nice touch. Keep it all civil and business like. Convert that anger in the fuel for the D train.

Did you include a morality clause in your divorce papers where OM cannot be around your kids on Overnight visits unless they are married?

Not sure where you are located at but I have a friend who did that to his wife. Really crimped her love life!

Next time you leave for the night, you really should pop in bc you forgot something...and invite the OM's spouse. Have your phone on ready for 911 though.

When will she be leaving your house?

@MamaDragon

Thanks for the tip about the morality clause. I will ask my lawyer about that.

I am taking my girls out of state to visit my mother. I asked WW in an email and got her okay in writing.

We will be gone a week.

Strangely, the POSOM told his wife he will be leaving for the same weekend I am gone and did not tell her where he will be going.

I am strongly considering hiring a PI to at least find out where they go together. I may also get two GPS and give one to OBS to hide in their cars.

As I want to help the OBS with getting what she needs, but also for my own piece of mind and more ammunition for my lawyer just in case.

@Jduff

Thanks for the comments.

Yeah, WW suggested last week that we separate, but don't officially divorce because she is worried about health insurance. To hell with that!! IDGAF

And yes, at the suggestion from my mother, I am trying to stay calm and civil to WW. She said being calm will make them even more upset. Ha!

Good idea on the PI and two GPS. Hard to believe they are not going to meet up.

Congratulations on standing up for yourself with OM. He didn't deny he was with your STBXWW? If not, might be something to tell OBS. Sounds like she has her head in the sand and will only believe it if she sees them actually having sex. If you show her photos, she'll say they might be photoshopped and she can still deny.

Does she say how you paying for her health insurance is going to benefit you? Or is she going to do something for you in exchange for that favor? I kept my XWW on my insurance for a few extra months, until the year ended, as she was waving any claims for alimony and was being reasonable. Give and take is ok. She just needs to understand you are not going to give, give, give.

From what I've seen trying to control OM's influence/contact around your kids, etc. sounds like a great idea but is extremely hard if not impossible to enforce. Unless he's got a criminal record or proved drug abuse.

You're better off to concentrate on your time (100% in your control) and limit contact with the X. Google grey rocking.

Yeah, WW suggested last week that we separate, but don't officially divorce because she is worried about health insurance.

Bwahahahaha, cake eating to the max. It's all about her.

Learn to ignore and cut her off

@Marz

Yeah, well he is still trying to lie his way out of lying because he did tell his OBS that I confronted him but that I'm crazy because he was at a party with a guy from his work. She smartly did not tell him that she drove by my house and saw his car parked down the street.

I told the OBS to ask for that persons phone number, call them immediately, and verify his story. When you find out that was just more lies, it is just more evidence of deceit.

I am trying to stick with the 180 so I do not want to be boring or uninteresting. However, in my interactions with WW, I will try to be a grey rock.

@Marz

And, my company health insurance for our family is excellent with minimal co-pays and no deductible.

She looked into it and her job would require about $200/month costs plus a $4k annual deductible.

Oh well for her. CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

WW suggested last week that we separate, but don't officially divorce because she is worried about health insurance.

The trend in health insurance these days is not to carry ex-spouses. You might want to check with your employer before making any agreements, because many don't allow it. $200. per month with a 4k deductible isn't a bad deal. If she was buying it out of pocket like self-employed people do, she'd be thinking that it's pretty sweet. Oh... and the absolute unmitigated gall of her to think you'd be willing to carry her insurance after she shit on you the way she has.

Good plan on the morality clause. Chance are, she still might get dumped by the AP since he's still lying to his BW and trying to keep his home deal going. I also think you'd do very well to go ahead and hire that PI. Sometimes you can negotiate a better deal with the threat looming of suing on grounds of adultery. They're both likely telling themselves that you don't have admissible proof. A good PI will get it for you. And who knows, it may actually come to that. I still think that it's your WW who's pursuing the affair. The OM might be up to his neck in it, that's true. But if push comes to shove with the OBS, he might still turn tail, leaving your STBXWW without either husband or AP. Just desserts if you ask me. But if that happens, she's likely to a good deal less cooperative settling your divorce.

I also think it's a good call at this point not to discuss the recent dust-up with the AP. They're in communication, so she already knows that you know he's been in the house. She's probably waiting for you to say something so she can start a big stinky fight over it. Talk with your attorney, because I still think it's wise to have your expectations clear. You don't want her saying later that she didn't think you'd have a problem with it. If possible, I'd have the attorney draw up a request to keep AP out of the home citing parenting concerns and have it delivered to her.

Maybe asked your lawyer to send a letter explaining that he (OM) doesn’t have your permission to go in your house and if your hidden camera catches him there, there will be lawsuit.

Aside from that, the opposite of love is indifference.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:22 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

My only advice on the health insurance is what my attorney advised me, and that is do not mess with it DURING the D process. After D is final then you can punt her sorry ass to the curb and tell her to google COBRA health plans, otherwise it's not your problem anymore!

I am strongly considering hiring a PI to at least find out where they go together

Why? You know what they are doing. Why learn the details or spend money on an endless, fruitless goose chase? It won't make one iota difference in the divorce or establishing custody.

Spend the money to have the lawyer file for an RO to keep him out of your house and away from your kids. Your kids should be your ONLY concern and priority right now. To hell with your skank WW and her OM. Let them rot with each other.

If you are determined to give the OBS info, if your WS is calling him, provide her with a copy of your phone bill, showing calls back and forth between them. She is in the land of denial, trying to grasp at straws that allow her to not realize her husband is a lying, cheating POS. It will come in time, she has to process this first.

You aren't obligated to bring her into the light, she's standing in darkness already, living with the burden of knowing her husband is living two lives. She has to bring herself into the light and put a stop to it, or suffer for the rest of her life.

I understand the drive behind catching them, and getting all the evidence you need to legally burn them at the stake so to speak. I completely get this part. I spent countless hours gathering evidence that would show what they were doing financially, so I could use that information in the settlement phase. I think for a time it was the only thing that kept me sane, was finding more and more dirt that would sink his ship, and knowing they provided it to me without knowing. I had access to many records that they didn't realize I was an administrator on. Everything was perfectly legal, and that made it even better. I didn't have to lower myself to their level, I just "played the player".

I told him to stay the F#&* away from MY house and MY kids. I said that I have been nice up until now and he would not like if I am not in the future. I told him that I will be a big problem for him if he does not stay away from MY house and MY kids

Be VERY careful about making ANY statements to him like the one above. He can say you were threatening him, and it might appear as a thinly veiled threat to a judge. Be very specific, that you will take legal action against him so no grey area can be used against you, implying physical harm. A claim that sticks no matter if it's truthful or not will impact your custody agreement, and could turn this circus into a fiasco. You don't want a RO on you or a PO preventing you from being around your own children. Your WS would instantly use it against you and then that POS would be in your house, with your wife and kids, and you'd be on the outside looking in. It's not fair, but I've heard of tactics like that to punish the BS. Just tread lightly, and make sure you have witnesses or video for any conversations between POS and you.

Sending you courage to face what comes, and peace of mind and heart. This will be one of the most difficult moments in your life, but when the rain passes, a rainbow will come. You're standing in the rain right now, but remember your rainbow is waiting in the wings for the storm to pass.

Once I got word from the courts that my D was done I called and got my X off the insurance. I couldn't do it before as permitted by law where I live. I also can't legally have her on my insurance since we aren't married anymore. I'm not sure what the law is where you are but it might not even be an option as far as negotiating during the D process. Only my kids, me and a legally married spouse are covered. She has to pay, oh well, welcome to reality!