SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I destroyed my husband, our marriage, and our life together. Never in a million years did I ever think I would have an affair. I know, we all say that. My husband found out about my awful choices 13 days ago. I set off a nuclear bomb in his world. The only person I've ever truly loved, I basically killed.

Our nightmare:

I am a teacher and had an affair with a parent at the school. Around December I was asked if I wanted to head up our new chess club with some dad that I didn't know. I wanted to look good to my new principal, so I said yes. In January we started texting about the club, how we will get it started and pick the students. Our texts in the beginning were solely about chess and school. We both were annoyed with similar teachers and things, so we would bitch about those. For the first two months, that's what our conversations we're about, complaining about school and things our school should start doing. Our conversations then turned more personal. We shared things from our past, things about ourselves, our likes and dislikes. It was easy to talk to him because it seemed like we a had a lot in common. He didn't come off as if he judged me for my past/opinions. I should have kept it only to chess/school. I shouldn't have let it go any further. He started telling me how much he liked me. We texted every day. I would drive his daughter to and from school and sometimes he would go to. In the beginning of March, he kissed me and I unfortunately didn't push him away. Later that month he told me he loved me and I said it back because I thought I loved him too. I didn't. It wasn't love that I felt, but I said it. My husband knows I said it, and he will never forget that never forgive for me that and he has every right not to.

I want to say around April my husband came to me and told me that he was afraid he was losing me to another man. I told him he was crazy to think that and that I wasn't cheating on him. I remember sitting there during that conversation and having an outer body experience. I looked down at myself saying "what the fuck are you saying??? You're lying to your husband. You're doing the things he fears. Stop doing it all." I didn't stop. I continued to be selfish.

I continued to talk to him and see him. We would hang out in his garage, talk, and fool around sometimes. We had sex one time in July. I felt awkward and stopped it, but it was too late. I wanted to stop things, but hadn't yet. About a week later, he asked me if I could watch his girls for the day. I asked my husband if it was ok because I would be bringing our daughter to watch them. That's when I placed the bomb in him. He came home that day and again told me his concerns. He felt that something was going on between the guy and me. Again, I told him there was nothing. He said we were different and he thought I wasn't happy in our marriage. I don't remember how I brought it up, but I mentioned to him that I wasn't sure if he was in love with because of things he said to me years ago. He felt horrible. I could see it in his eyes. I watched the girls the next day and when I came home he started asking me questions. He had come home early because he was in souch pain. He had looked up my text records and saw how much I was texting the guy. He cross referenced times I sent him pictures and I sent the guy pictures. He took his ring off. The bomb exploded. He drove us to confront the guy. He made him call his wife right there and tell her what we had been doing. He then beat the crap out of the guy and drove off.

He left the next day and spent 5 days at an Airbnb while looking for apartments. He's told me his emotions are all over the place and doesn't know what he needs to do. I've seen him cry and scream and be in anguish. Friday he came home and I left to go to my dad's. I've been there since. I would rather he be home then stay at some shady place or get an apartment to quickly. I come home in the mornings to be with our daughter.

I don't blame my husband for anything I did. This was my mistake, my choice. I now have to live with what I've done to him, to our daughter, and to our life together. I want nothing more then to go back in time and take it all back, but I know that's impossible. I want my husband to allow me back in his life so that I can prove to him how much he means to me. I want to show him that I will do everything to make him happy again and not hurt and to able to trust me again one day. I've told him that I will fight for our marriage. I will wait for him. I just hope he's willing to let me.

LifeDestroyer:

As a BS I must say I admire your courage. To come here and bare your life in your first post if scary. But you did it.

As a BS I can tell you that your husband is not completely destroyed. Yes, his world has been blown up. This was caused by your behavior, but the pain is also derived from the way he viewed you and the person he thought you were.

When a spouse cheats it is devastating. Our spouse is not just our partner but has become part of us. When cheated on a BS feels ripped apart.

The good news is that you are taking ownership of your betrayal and there is hope. You should take the time to help your spouse heal. Your focus should be on him, not yourself.

How old are you two?

How long married?

Who else knows?

Do your BS and your AP ever cross paths?

Did you provide a detailed timeline and answer all questions honesty?

In addition to his pain from your betrayal, he no longer believes what you say including your tears etc. Suggest he join us here. Focus on your actions vs what he sees as empty words.

I suggest you develop a plan to make yourself a safe partner (IC and share your progress, read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair, remove anything from your life that reminds your BS).

36years I know I've destroyed the person he was married to. He's told me that. He's told me I took his best friend away, the person he would confide in, the person he trusted more than anyone.

LifeDestroyer,

You've come to the right place.

I think the best thing for you would be to buy a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. These two books will help you to begin to understand what you've done and how to move forward.

McDonald's book will help you to see the steps you need to take to help yourself and your family through this trauma.

Glass's book will help you understand why people have affairs and how to create good, solid boundaries so that you can avoid affairs in the future.

Buckle up for a few years of the roller coaster. It won't be easy.

Robert, sorry I don't know how to specifically reply to a certain response yet. We are both 35 and we would be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary on the 15th, together 17 years. My dad, his sister and some friends/coworkers, one of our mutual friends, my coworker, secretary and principal knows. They never crossed paths and there is a possibility they will since I am still at the school. I don't know if the OM will ever come up to the school again. My principal made it clear that the OM's participation at school will change. I'm actually waiting for a meeting to see if I can get out of my contract and find a job somewhere else. If I can't, I will be doing everything possible to avoid seeing the OM if he comes up to the school. I've told my husband the steps I will take to make sure that doesn't happen and will let him should I see him or he tries to talk to me. I am also in the process of writing my timeline for my husband so he will know everything. He is a member here. He actually sent me the link to this site to read the Just Found Out stories to try to understand what he is feeling. He also suggested that I join and make a post here. I have started going to IC and have that book on its way.

Are you NC with AP? Because honestly, you should not be working at the school his kids attend. You should not be near him in any capacity - even via his children or their mother.

Does your administration know? Because this could get ugly quickly - particularly if his wife makes noise [I sure would].

What are you doing to better yourself? No 2x4s allowed but you knew you crossed a boundary and continued to cross it - even after confrontations and lies. You need to figure out why. Because R or D - you need to figure out you. You need to become a safe partner for yourself and for whomever is in your future.

I strongly recommend you take a polygraph. You can Google reputable administrators in your area,and your husband can work with the administrator so he can work out what questions to ask.

Sex "just once," and "I stopped on the middle of it " are incredibly common lies freshly caught WS tell their BS.

Your husband deserves to know what he is healing from.

Chaos, I am NC with the AP. My husband had me call him the Friday after to say goodbye. He quickly hung up on me, so I sent him a text saying it. My principal does know. I had a meeting with him last week to tell him what I had done. He said it wasn't grounds for firing, but I should have asked to be transferred that day like my husband wanted. I spoke with my principal last night asking if I can get a transfer. He told me it was too late for that and I am held in to my contract for the year. He is waiting to hear from his boss about a meeting with me to see what can be done. I don't know what a "2x4" is, I'm sorry. I am in therapy now and will continue to stay in it so that I can fix what's broken inside of me. It's something I should have been in a long time ago, but was too ashamed to call. I will do whatever my husband needs me to do.

36years I know I've destroyed the person he was married to. He's told me that. He's told me I took his best friend away, the person he would confide in, the person he trusted more than anyone.

That is likely true. When my wife cheated it shook my universe. It took away the person I thought she was and replaced her with someone I didn't want to know.

He cheating made me not only question her, but question myself. Was my judgment so bad that I couldn't detect this in her? Was I wrong for choosing her. My trust was wasted and I began to question everything.

In my experience this is normal. Knowing it's normal doesn't make it less painful, but can help in dealing with it.

LD, understand that your old marriage is dead.

You can build a new one if both you and your BS are willing but it will take years.

It's even possible to come out at the end with a stronger, better marriage. If you want it bad enough.

Hello LD:

First, you are brave for posting here like this, without a stop sign. To be clear, I'm a BH.

Second, your relationship with your BH will never be like it was before. That doesn't necessarily mean you won't one day have a good relationship. The A will be a permanent component of your relationship going forward, but whether it will be a prominent component, or fade into the background, depends a lot on what you do.

First, look into your heart and examine it to figure out whether you would like an opportunity to R. Sometimes, a spouse has an A because he or she actually wants out of the marriage. R only works if you really want it. So you ought to be sure of your heart on that point.

Second, if you want R, be 100% bluntly and frankly honest with your BH about the A. This includes any and all of the "dirty details" if he asks. Look him in the eye and tell him straight up, bluntly. As a BH I can assure you that, no matter how painful those details are to hear, what is way more painful is a WW who minimizes and patronizes. Being honest with him gives him agency to decide for himself what he wants.

To that end, I caution you about the passive tense. Your OP mentions that "our conversations the turned more personal". Passive tense. Your BH will find this infuriating. You made conscious decisions to engage in these personal conversations. It is more honest to say: "I began to share more of my personal feelings with him."

One of the two prongs of R is you figuring out why you made these choices. You need to figure that out so you can fix whatever was broken in your moral compass, so that you are a safe spouse.

The other prong is that ephemeral matter of the heart. In some way, you will need to convince your BH that your desire for him is true. For that to work, it must be the case. Look into your heart. Why did you share at a personal level with another man? Where was your desire for your BH at that time? Where is it now? He will be obsessively focused on this in the weeks to come.

Finally, find patience. This process could and likely will take years. During the first 4-12 months your BH's emotions will be all over the place. He may ask for divorce, more than once. He may call you awful names or tell you that you make him sick. He will likely ask you the same questions over and over and over.

In year 2, he may become withdrawn, flat, and emotionless. Like a zombie. Be ready for this.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:33 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

LifeDestroyer

I will do whatever my husband needs me to do

I understand you say this because you are new and don't know what to do but you can't rely on your BH to tell you what to do because he is new to this too and doesn't know what to do. He is going to be all over the place for a while.

We shared things from our past, things about ourselves, our likes and dislikes. It was easy to talk to him because it seemed like we a had a lot in common. He didn't come off as if he judged me for my past/opinions

You are going to come into contact with other men who may have the same things in common with you. How are you going to prevent yourself from falling into this same situation with another man?

I should have kept it only to chess/school

This is called a boundary. How are you going to make sure this boundary is never going to be crossed again?

If you lied to your BH about anything he might not believe a word you say now. I would recommend that you be where you say you are going to be, when you are going to be there and make sure you do what you say you're going to do.

I know the marriage we had is dead. If he chooses to give me a second chance, we will hopefully build a new marriage. I absolutely want to reconcile and recommit. I know that I want to be with my husband. I took him and our marriage for granted. I will be honest with him about my timeline. He asked me to do several things (write a truthful timeline, write out what steps I plan on taking to fix our marriage, and explain to him why I choose him after choosing another man all those months. I have already written him a letter explaining why I choose him. I have started to write down what steps I plan on taking. Tonight, I will start to write out my timeline.

LD,

you wrote He made him call his wife right there and tell her what we had been doing. He then beat the crap out of the guy and drove off.

When I read that it makes me think you have a good shot at recovery. Since many OM often get away without consequences and the BHs feel an eternal injustice. Bonus if OMW divorces him.

LD,

I think you are making a good start by being so open, and by taking responsibility for your own actions. You would be amazed how many wayward partners blame anything and everyone but themselves for their choices.

One factor that underpins reconciliation is perseverance, aka 'stick-to-it-ness'. From what you have written, it sounds like you are committed to trying to help your husband, and to repair the marriage if that is possible. That commitment needs to be paired with perseverance if it is going to be effective.

Everyone wishes they had a re-wind button in life to undo decisions that had disastrous results, but the reality is that they don't exist. All we can do is work with what is left in the aftermath, and see what can be built from it.

Be prepared for a bumpy ride. There may be times where your husband seems to be coming out of his low, and being more affectionate and communicative, and then he will suddenly hit a trigger and relapse back to where he was.

His moods may change on a regular basis. He may say some unpleasant things. Those things are not being said to hurt you, but because when the pain hits him, it seems like a way to vent it, and by venting it, to decrease it. Very similar to hitting your thumb with a hammer and releasing a few choice expletives.

And there will be times where all you can do is soak that up, and remind yourself that he is not being abusive; he is being tossed around emotionally like a ship on a stormy sea.

If there are times when it gets too much, take a break, go to your Dad's place, and come back the next day.

What many wayward spouses cannot fully understand is the internal struggle that people can go through when the thing they love the most is also the thing that hurt them the most.

They can end up sitting on a pendulum that keeps swinging back and forth. When the pain and the anger send them swinging away from you, the love they feel for you stops the swing and brings them back towards you. When they get back close to you, the pain and the hurt make them swing away again.

Back and forth, back and forth.

It can be hard to watch it happen, and exhausting for the person to whom it is happening. And it can seem hopeless at first, but it does change with time.

What I can see from your husband's thread is that he does love you, because if he didn't, he would have already filed for divorce and would probably not be talking to you at all.

He is just struggling with loving you, and struggling to figure out who you are. If you are truly committed to remaining with him, it will be up to you to prove to him that there is more to you than the woman who had the affair and told another man she loved him.

Hopefully the individual counseling will help you get a handle on why you slipped into the twilight world of lies and betrayal with a man who was clearly not a nice or genuine person at all. Chances are that you knew that, but because he flattered you, you chose not to think about his shortcomings too hard.

One thing that a lot of wayward wives say after their affairs is that they loved the way their affair partners made them feel, rather than loving their affair partners for who they were as people.

The relationship is sometimes likened to that between a drug pusher and an addict, in which an addict can build a relationship with a total and utter lowlife for the sake of the drug hit they provide.

What you need to do is figure out why you needed that hit so badly, and how to fix the cause of that craving so you no longer need it in future. If you do not, you may get involved with the next emotional drug peddler who comes along and identifies you as a soft target in the same way that your affair partner did.

One thing that is often said to people in reconciliation is, "Do not try to control the outcome". It is wise advice. It means, if he needs space, give him space. However, let him know that as soon as he feels ready, you want to be with him.

That can be hard to do if you are panicking about the ending of the relationship, but honestly, it is the best way to play it.

Reconciliation is a journey that consists of several stages, and you need to pass through each of them in sequence. You cannot jump from the beginning to the end without passing through the middle.

At the moment, you are at the beginning of that journey, so there is no point to focus on the end. Instead, put your energy into trying to reassure your husband and being open with him.

Right now he may feel the ground moving beneath his feet several times a day, as everything he once counted on suddenly feels like it is built on sand and not anchored down. Repeated reassurance, whether in words or actions (particularly the latter) will help to make the earthquakes reduce, both in frequency, and in their power.

The simple perseverance of remaining there for him through all of his mood swings will help him far more than it appears.

Stick with it, LD. There are several very wise ex-wayward wives who post a lot of useful advise to others in the same boat. Hopefully they will be along shortly, to give you the benefit of their experiences and thoughts.

He then beat the crap out of the guy and drove off.

Good!

... that is all.

M1965

I really appreciate your comment. If you're commenting on his thread, then I hope your words help him too. I am committed to fixing what I broke in our marriage. I am ready to hear any words he may have for me, good or bad. I caused his pain and I will be there, if he allows me, to listen to him. I've told him several times that I can only imagine the feelings he is experiencing right now. Reading threads on here and books is helping me understand more and more some of the things he is feeling and it kills me to know that I caused it. I never wanted to hurt him. Again, I know cheaters say that. I do love him. He is the man that I want to be with. I know I have to prove that to him, and I will over and over again if he will let me.

I agree with you on what you said about how we love the way the AP made us feel and not actually the person. I thought I loved the OM, but I'm realizing that it was how he tricked me into feeling that I loved. I didn't really love him. He is not the one that I miss. He is not the one that I want to make happy. He is not the one I yearn to be with. He is not the one that I will do anything for. My husband is.

I am in IC and will continue to go to it. I hope that I can truly figure out why I did this. I want to steady the ground for my husband. I want him to feel safe and secure again. It's hard to not worry about the end like you said.

I thought I loved the OM, but I'm realizing that it was how he tricked me into feeling that I loved.

I think you’re referring to limerence and don’t really mean that the AP tricked you into anything? Seems like you participated willingly.

It sounds like you’re taking some good first steps but based on my own reaction, I can tell you that likely nothing you do right now will be enough for your BH. The pain is too fresh. You’ll have to work and work for a long time to show him that you’re capable of being a safe partner for him again. Even if he decides to part ways, you will still need to work at it for a long time. For yourself and for your kid.

He just came to pick up our daughter and told me that he will probably have me take a polygraph. I told him I am writing my timeline out like he asked me to.