hello Chrysalis123 and Bleep.
Great advice to be careful. And go slow. And see that behavior matches what they say.
This group I'd wise and I really value everyone's opinions and feedback.
I have been doing a lot of work in another group on healing myself and my femine energy. That group says this sort of thing is pretty powerful...being solid in who you are with good boundaries and healing your wounds. Don't get attached too early. Don't chase love. Make sure people are who they say they are and their values match yours. Let people show up for you and either accept or not who they are, but don't try to change them etc etc
I started to do the work when my husband was hiding his inappropriate behavior and withholding sex. I have kept doing it because if I did not heal myself from the damage from the betrayal, then the betrayal trauma would cost me my life.
I am just a bit blown away with how people are responding to me now tho. Especially since my missing spouse is going out of his way to blame me for absolutely everything ever wrong in our marriage and for his cheating.
Funny thing..no one is ASKING for money but I am sure being OFFERED a lot of things.
To clarify...A couple of pretty solid men have led with the fact that they are (verifiably) solid I including financially.
I was inclined to suggest THEY needed to be careful sharing that kind of information with people. And yes it is real. They verifiably own property and had or have businesses or are on the boards of things etc. A couple were widowed.
These same sorts of men are unsolicitedly offering to buy or do things for me. Not cars or anything lol but definitely dinner. Even a random man at the dollar store who had no idea I am recently separated told me I am beautiful and offered to buy me the marshmallows I was looking for in the isle they were in.
The men who gave me their cards were men I had semi or totally intellectual conversations with, but the inference was definitely on me calling their personal phones that they wrote on the card. None of these men were married (again verifiably) or set off my creep radar. One in particular asked a number of relatively casual questions about me and when he found out I had taken care of a parent (one reason I had not worked outside the home much in the past few years) he expressed appropriate EMPATHY for my loss. Wow.
One is in the same sort of field I used to work in and the other in a related field.
I have done a lot of work on myself in the other group in terms of my feminine energy, boundaries, and related things.
None of these behaviors were love bombing or instalove.
One of the guys was a widow who wants to date a woman with integrity and is very clear in an understated way that he was actually taking the time to get to know who I am. A friend who is an infidelity and physical abuse survivor actually pointed this out to shocked me. He asked me questions about what I like as in I LIKE to go to rummage sales and I LIKE to partner dancer I LIKE keeping a neat clean house and decorating it with vintage finds...not as in I LIKE to be tied up (I don't and we did not talk about stuff like that at all lol).
And two men stand out as taking turns talking WITH me for a semi long time (not monopolizing the conversation). That was new territory for me too.
Not a single one of men who asked me about myself blinked an eye at the fact I was a SAHM who focused on taking care of my family.
They were also not trolling for secrets about me that they could later throw up in my face and destroy me with. Been there done that and have the tshirt with my missing spouse.
WS learned that I had a me too story or two and CSA. When he wanted to hurt me after the affair he told me that I deserved it. He also told me that the fact this ruined me for him. So I am pretty vigilant about a man asking questions about me just to get things he can later hurt me with.
I would love to hear other people's thoughts. This is all kinda overwhelming for a nerd whose husband threw away their decades long marriage for internet strangers.
[This message edited by Shehawk at 7:43 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]