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Bahama,

I do wish you luck. But I have experienced what you are experiencing. I cannot warn you enough that I believe you are being played. Do not let your guard down.

Stay vigilant. I know how eager every BS becomes in the wake of such trauma for their WS to finally wake up. It's a form of rugsweeping.

The notion that a WS will suddenly have a change of heart is a fantasy. Just a couple days ago your WW was acting as cold, calculated and entitled as they come. Now, having been rejected by the OM, and realizing she has to settle for her Plan B or risk losing everything, she's now suddenly remorseful and asking for your forgiveness? Hogwash.

From my own experience my take is that they're both acting like kids that got caught with their hands in the cookie jar and will say and do anything until the dust settles. Then they will take it underground. Perhaps you know her better. But did you honestly ever believe she would cheat on you?

Do not slow down with the D process. Protect yourself and your kids first. If, over time, she truly has exhibited the appropriate R behavior then you can always call it off.

Stay strong.

Please consider talking to a divorce attorney. At least find out what your options are should you divorce - as a SAHD, you need to look out for yourself especially since she is the breadwinner.

As the breadwinner of my house, I *know* that should we divorce, I would have had to pony up spousal support, but after his A, I got a post nup - if he cheats, he gets a car and the clothes he owns only. My situation is different than yours however, bc it was my SAHD that cheated & not me. I always say Knowledge is power.

I can't help but feel she is playing you - her AP has cut her out of his life and now she is being remorseful? Don't trust it - go with it and just be watchful.

One question - is your wife still a member of the group where they met? If it was me, that would be the first thing that had to change (I can't remember if you discussed this or not)

Kudos on telling the OBS too btw!

Good luck Bahama. Not to be cynical, but do also consider how much of her present remorse is due to the fact that her meeting with the lawyer didn't go as well as she expected.

You must be honest to yourself whether that is something you are willing to accept, that her fog lifted not out of fear of losing you, but rather losing financial security. I say this only because a WW making a decision tree to leave her spouse and then suddenly does not want to leave her spouse because she loves him, doesn't inspire confidence. If you are planning on replying, would you mind telling was there any part of the decision tree that indicated she valued her marriage more?

Hoping to see you in the reconciliation forum.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:17 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Look at how LadyBugMaam handled the situation. She lit up her unfaithful husband and put him in check.

That's why your unfaithful wife sits before you ostensibly contrite today. Because of the other betrayed spouse's reaction.

You did a lot of the right things but you did not bring the right attitude and follow-through.

You told her how much she hurt you and how she needed to do better to save your marriage.

Way too nice! Above you wished luck to LadyBugMaam and the guy who was giving it to your wife - while looking you in the eye and shaking your hand.

I wish LadyBugMaam luck as well. The POSOM? He can go straight to hell.

You're too nice Bahama. And I know it is hard to turn off your feelings and treat her the way you need to.

Keep on spying. You'll find your anger. And you'll need it.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:58 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

It's easy to be uppity and ice cold when you don't have to face what you've done. When she doesn't have that false confidence that comes from sneaking around with a married man it allowed her to also see that it was you being her rock that made it possible to balance her high paying career with being a mom.

What Jsmart said...This is why I love the 180 and the D approach (I used to be on another site which actually encouraged a rear-kissing approach, which is plain terrible and dehumanizing) . The fence sitter needs to be shown what they are about to lose and then made to choose what is more valuable. Their new lover or their proverbial "rock" who actually made it possible to be carefree enough to love someone else. Pity that you'll not be able to find out if she actually chose to stop fence-sitting because the AP dropped her like hot coal. And that is why I am a bit wary that you have forgiven her quite soon.

Btw, I hope you ask her to sit with you and make a new decision tree with the affair in context and ask her to support you in finding out why to R or D. Do it mate. And tell us how it went

[This message edited by hadji at 5:02 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

I hope you see that the reason why she "collapsed" is because you followed some of the advice given here and were ready for the confrontation, you were prepared for the initial denial and then after admission, you were prepared for the blameshifting fireworks, you also exposed them to OBS and both your family and hers (she thought you were trying to "destroy" her), you destroyed their "romantic A tree" and threw a wrench at their plans, you and OBS destroyed their fantasy and she quickly learned that OM was not going to jump ship and that they would not run into the sunset together, even knowing that, she went to see a D attorney to see how much D would cost her, she was slapped in the face with the facts$$$ then quickly told you her attorney "told her" to try to work things out before she decides to cough out all that money for many years and since rich boyfriend didn't leave his wife for her, she possibly felt "trapped" with her plan B (YOU) who would also helped her keep the "doll house" appearance to outsiders at least for a while until rumors and gossip about the A dissipate. Had you not taken the great advice you received here, things could have played out very different, you tackled the A from a position of strength and did not show any signs of weakness (very unattractive btw), you didn't do the "pick me dance" (which never works), you demanded what you needed which included NC FOREVER with OM (deer in the headlights look), etc., all that has played a part of the so called "collapse".

You and OBS have seized control of the situation and appear to be driver's seat, do not lose control now and stay strong, yes in IMHO you said the "I forgive you" way too quickly but that's not unusual, you're still shocked by the betrayal, you never thought she was capable of cheating, yet she did it for months and was planning her exit strategy. Another thing, please don't minimize calling her DECISIONS "a mistake", a mistake is when you take a wrong turn on the highway that you DID NOT mean to take, she MEANT to cheat and have sex with him every single time she WILLINGLY took her clothes off, every sex act, every kiss, every text to OM behind your back was a VERY CONSCIOUS decision, her consult with a D attorney was a conscious decision, make sure you don't ever lose sight of that, she needs to undergo intense IC for a very long time to find out her "whys", you were in the same M and you didn't cheat.

I strongly recommend that you continue posting frequently at least during the initial phase, it's a critical phase and we've seen it played out THOUSANDS of times, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script and your WW actions after Dday have been text book reactions, it's healthy to take a break from SI from time to time, but make no mistake about it, we are NOT arm chair quarterbacks, we have played and been played, we've watched the infidelity game thousands of times here and other websites, I honestly believe this is the best place on the entire web for advice in such an awful situation.

Please follow the advice and consult your own attorney, she was ahead of you on this and didn't even tell you about it until the very last minute and after some pressure by you of the specifics of her "appointment", btw ask her what attorney she went to go see and get proof of payment if any and make sure this wasn't an appointment with OM and one last fuck.

So far she has not even sent the NC FOREVER letter to her boyfriend (at least you did not mention it) despite your very specific request to do so, I understand she told her coach she would not be training with AP, that's simply just not enough, she even mentioned she's considering stopping altogether, I think you need to make this a requirement, you have a lot of work ahead of you and she needs to devote all her free time and energy to you and her children, another trophy on the shelf should not be a priority and like I said before, if it was me, I would have told her to abandon that particular sport altogether (at least for a year) and focus on the family. Remember she needs to offer FULL on demand access to her phone and ALL electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked, Whatever you do, DO NOT RUGSWEEP this and just try to "move on", forget MC for now, way too early for that and have her go to IC first, I know some of the advice may seem harsh at times, but mostly it's sound advice with good intentions, the collective wisdom of SI could help you navigate during this difficult time, thousands have benefited from it.

Bahama, sounds like you have a path and a plan. We are here to help you achieve your goals. Some thoughts:

There are different kinds of forgiveness. There is transactional forgiveness, where you tell someone you no longer want to hold the past against, and there is the kind of forgiveness where you just don’t want to lug the past with you. For the second, you don’t have to tell them they are forgiven. You can forgive dead people, or the guy who cut you off in traffic who never even knew he offended you. That second kind of forgiveness is for you.

You gave your wife transactional forgiveness. You told her you wouldn’t keep bludgeoning her with the past. But that leaves for you the second kind of forgiveness, the one where you don’t carry the pain in your backpack 24/7. Expect to struggle with it.

Forgiveness is a statement about the past, but trust is about the future. I’d let her know that she has to earn your trust back. There is a lot of work to be done.

A lifetime’s worth of work.

Your situation and mine weren’t that far apart. To R at some point you have to take a leap of faith. You took yours early. There is also so much work to be done. Don’t let forgiveness short-circuit it, let it energize it.

Sending strength!

So much has happened! In just one week.

I strongly concur with faithfulman. Going on the warpath is unequivocally the best way to deal with a WS, and LadyBug is handling her situation like a champ because that's exactly what she's doing.

Frankly Bahama, I think your wife is playing you. She's only sad because she realizes that she's been painted into a corner where she no longer gets to have her AP because LadyBug wasn't afraid to show him who was in charge, but she also can't divorce you because of the massive financial hit she'd take. So what does she do? She brings out the waterworks and plays the part of the contrite WW and it works like a charm because you don't have it in you to let head rule heart and play hardball.

You're too nice, and it won't serve you well.

Bahama,

You did well and I want to echo the sentiments of manfromlamancha and numbanddumb. You followed your instincts. Good for you. You know your WW better than any of us internet strangers. It sounds like you had a genuine breakthrough with your WW. I hope it continues. Of course be vigilant. You can always file for D if she fails to follow through and show genuine empathy and remorse. Don’t take the negative comments to heart. There is no one way out of infidelity. It is your life and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions unlike the rest of us internet armchair quarterback. You have excellent instincts. You obviously have good self respect. Good luck and I hope your WW continues to follow through.

Sounds like an effective confrontation. so check the box on that one.

Now the NC letter....that box has not been checked.

Either has the time line....

FYI I'm going on 9 years of R so I'm pulling for you brother and I get it!

The sooner she learns the tools to affair proof the marriage the better....we already know the why.

You mentioned what you needed from her in a past post....re read that post and stick with it those are very much required in my book.

And don't forget..trust but verify...

I personally think it was a big step to give the coach/running club up to recommit to the M.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 5:07 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

I can't offer much more than the others here but I will say I think Guy123's post above is great.

Forgiveness is beautiful. Early expressions of it are often more a statement of intent and love than the deeper levels that come with time and healing. But always better to be on that journey than the road to bitterness.

We are rooting for you! And perhaps you can update us on your wife's actions over the next days and weeks. I am so wanting to hear that her remorse deepens and her actions demonstrate it. You have reinforced your love and intent. I really hope that is what she needed to be moved to true remorse combined with the energy and commitment to help you heal.

Bahama, go back to your good marriage and don’t constantly be on guard. That is no way to live. Your wife has been pushed to her limit by a drunken idiot and yet she told him off. Believe her.

Bahama, go back to your good marriage and don’t constantly be on guard. That is no way to live. Your wife has been pushed to her limit by a drunken idiot and yet she told him off. Believe her.

Wrong thread.

Thanks faithfulmam. Oops. Wrong thread.

I was watching the chase in Bullitt.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:26 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

I wish we had a polling mechanism so you could see just how many of us have experienced the same weepy entreaty from a newly discovered WS, complete with sobbed snot bubbles and self-pitying rationalizations. Then.. a few weeks later, broken NC again.

Not trying to make you paranoid, but the sad fact is that there hasn't been sufficient time for a) true remorse from your WW, and b) your rage and hurt to fully emerge.

"I have been so lonely for so long now." "I didn't think you loved me anymore." "I didn't feel appreciated." "I feel trapped." "I feel like I've become just a paycheck to you." "I work all the time and then when I am home you don't seem to want to spend time with me or love me." I understand that to her these are justifications for the A. I also understand that to her they were genuine feelings.

This is Cheaters 101 and total blameshifting. The vast majority of us have heard the exact same verbiage. But NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and lied to. Not you. Not me. At the minimum, what it tells you is that your WW has the coping competency of a teen-aged girl. Adults are self-fruitful in matters of inner satisfaction. They don't need other people to validate them or MAKE them feel better about themselves They're mature and competent at self-realization.

I really do hope it works out for you and that your WW is being sincere. But... I would also advise you to get your ducks in a row and not be caught flat-footed if it doesn't. You're going to need to really get in touch with your own personal boundaries (meaning what kind of treatment you're willing to tolerate in order to stay married), and you'll need to attend to practical matters (meaning how you'll support yourself and your children if things go to pot).

Strength to you. Remember that there's no agenda here at SI, save getting out of infidelity. No matter how passionately a point is made, everyone wants to see you succeed at whatever goals you've set.

It's entirely possible the attorney she saw told her to play nice,have you investigated in the meantime, and maybe she'll find something to use as leverage when it comes to a divorce settlement, and custody. Maybe she's getting her ducks in a row.

That's pretty much when she started to show "remorse"...right? After she spoke to the attorney?

She's had no problem lying to you,thousands of times, over the last year. You need to be really careful here.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:18 PM, March 1st (Friday)]

Also ask yourself - if you think there is a remote chance that she is contrite because she knows she was being played...just how does she know that for certain? If she’s in full remorse then she should be the one volunteering to take a poly to prove that they have not been in touch since d-day

I pray this works out for both of you, but be careful. An affair is an addiction that often doesn't end cold turkey.

I feel like I'm reading my story at the end of yours.

I pray I'm not right.

God bless you, Bahama.