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I keep hearing the same advice over and over so tomorrow will be lawyer day and most likely filing for D.

I think you are doing great and this is a good plan. If you want to reconcile with your wife then I hope she snaps out of it and y'all can work that out. There are a LOT of people on this site that have been able to do just that. But for now you are heading down the path of taking control of your own life which is the logical and wise thing to do IMO. You can always stop the D later if she earns the opportunity.

I am sorry to hear your kiddo is sick.

Dear Bahama,

Learning that your spouse is not the person you thought is a terrible blow. We all share that.

Learning that a spouse will not take steps made very explicit by a BS to end the affair and be transparent is another, separate blow.

Maybe your WW will come out of the fog yet; if she does you will not have to guess about it, you will know.

Meanwhile you have your twin blows to deal with, plus navigate parenthood while handling those burdens. So give yourself a lot of credit, and be patient with yourself and take lots of those walks and treat yourself very well.

We are rooting for you.

Odonna

PS: your kindness to the OBS shows the kind of person you are. Bravo!

Bahama, you're getting lots of good advice here and I just want to add to the chorus.

Right now I'm betting that your head is at war with your heart. Your head recognizes the truth: that your wife is a liar, a cheater, is not at all remorseful, and who is only looking out for herself and neither respects nor loves you, nor cares about your family for that matter.

Yet despite what your head knows, your heart still loves her, still wants R, and hopes more than anything that she'll suddenly wake up to what she has done and the monster she has become and be filled with remorse and come back and be your loving wife again.

This is one of those times when your head must overrule your heart. Right now, your wife is cold, unrepentant, and cares very little for you. She's not on your team. You absolutely must treat her like a stranger who has robbed you and wants to keep what they've stolen. Act in your own self-interest without regard for hers. File for D, get yourself a lawyer who will go for the throat, and take her for everything you're legally able to. Don't stop until it's done.

If at some point down the road she starts to figure out what she's done, she'll understand that you deserved every cent and every asset you walked away with, and much more besides. If she doesn't, then who cares?

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:15 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Studies show that cheaters all share a similar personality profile: selfish, deceitful, entitled, and lacking in empathy. They have to be all these things in order to sneak around behind your back and violate basic human standards of decency.

This is not the women you married and you can't R (or MC) until she acknowledges this new personality - and fixes herself. It's up to her to decide that the cheater profile is not the person she wants to be.

In the interim you have to pursue 180 (including D) in order to be taken serious by her and to have any chance to save your marriage (if R is what you decide). Letting her snuggle up to you in your bed is not a good idea.

Bahama, you are getting a lot of very good advice here and you are wise to heed it.

But not this:

when all of this is over and the dusts settles and you are divorced, make sure you never become a SAHD again...ever.

Women have no respect for SAHDs no matter how much they protest to the contrary.

This is completely untrue, and an exceptionally shitty thing to say to a BH in pain.

I think the word we use here for this kind of nonsense is blame-shifting.

Your wife's A was in no way your fault. She cheated on you because she is a broken person, not because you made the courageous decision to defy arbitrary gender norms about who should act as the primary parent and who should be the breadwinner.

The vast majority of women have tremendous respect and admiration for men who have made the choice you did. More importantly, the ones who don't aren't worthy of your respect, much less your consideration as mates for M.

There are plenty of guys who come on here who are primary breadwinners and still get cheated on. Because it has nothing to do with that, or them. This is not about you or your choices, it's about your WS and hers.

Love yourself. Feel proud of the choices you've made. You've done nothing wrong. You are the prize. Don't you dare change who you are because of what she did.

It is common for a cheating spouse to re-write the history of the marriage to justify their actions. So your wife's casting of herself as the unhappy victim of your attempts to destroy her financially and emotionally are par for the course.

In her mental Twilight Zone, she made you Dick Dastardly, and her AP became Peter Perfect. To the point where she decided she was entitled to be with him and his money. Sorry, but she does seem a bit focused on finances.

For his part, the OM is more than likely just an opportunist with low morals. Why would he want to give half of his stuff to his wife in a divorce, just to run off with your wife? Maybe your wife believed he would, because it suited her delusional, entitled fantasies.

In reality, the vast majority of opportunistic cheats throw their affair partner under the proverbial bus when they get busted, and the reality of hard consequences burst their secret little bubble.

I think that your wife totally bought into her entitled fantasies, and her role in them, and it is going to take a while for her to realise that it was all just a temporary thing that meant nothing to her AP, not the foundation for a new life.

She seems to be fighting reality at the moment, but you are not, and you are getting great advice about how to take and keep control of your life by protecting yourself.

Keep your distance, doubt everything she says, and consult that attorney. It is not an ideal situation, but the best thing you can do is protect yourself and your girls from your wife's destructive delusions.

Is OM going to continue running?

If your wife does continue to go to over night races, sooner or latter she will meet up with him.

She's done zero work to address the issue. I can't trust her and I'm in a bad place.

You are correct.

It's rare to see a BS this early not in denial or hooked on hopium grasping at straws.

She's in the fog????? Nope, from what I see she is very coldly calculating her options (appointment with an attorney day after DDay).

All I see is her trying to take control of the situation and maybe buying some time. Sounds like she had already completed the decision chart.

Seems very entitled (except for a bit of shock from your exposure).

My WW just called me from the store to check in and proactively told me "the lawyer basically said that we should try to work this out and that he suggested counseling and putting in some effort before considering D.

Bullshit translator says:

It's cheaper to keep you, at least for now. You and the kids don't matter all that much. Pretty coldly calculating if you ask me.

__________________________________________________

You have some deep thinking to do.

PS: Your explanation of the mortgage sounded desperate. A place you don't want to put yourself in at this time.

You're doing great keep it up. At this time you have not much to work with. See an attorney to find out where you're at. Knowledge is power.

I would stay away from MC. They are notorious rugsweepers and may cause more harm by enabling her if you get a bad one. The chances of that are high. Better look hard before you leap into that.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:48 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

We took our youngest to the doctor together around lunch time and found out she does have Flu A. Poor thing.

Stress causes a very significant drop in immune responses. It is very likely your daughter has the flu because she understands something is wrong.

The doctor (if he is not already aware) should be told what is going on, with your daughter waiting outside, then the doctor can look at what else your daughter might need to deal with the situation.

You should also let her school counsellor know so that they can keep an eye on her at school.

She reported that her husband had been showing some effort to fix things. He was going to write a NC letter, and stayed up all night reading After the Affair. It sounds like he at least is coming out of the fog to a degree. I wish them luck and know the road ahead for them.

It's not unusual for the OW to get dumped after DDay. So far, it looks like that's what's happening to your WW. Between the "decision tree" you initially discovered and her trip to the attorney today, I'd say her preference would be to end the marriage, but it's likely contingent on whether or not she can get him to leave his wife. If so, her next move would be to exert some pressure to try to get the outcome she wants, which means she'll be trying to break NC. What OW's typically don't expect is what ends up fairly frequently... they often end up getting dumped by both the MM and the BH.

You've stated that you won't be bringing up any discussion this evening, but I think it might be wise to at least set a boundary on any future attempts at contact. It's important to let her know that you're not okay with any further shenanigans. Certainly, putting your foot down regarding NC doesn't mean you're agreeing to R. All it means is that you're still on the fence and haven't jumped immediately on the D train.

TBH, I don't believe in filing unless one is seriously intent upon divorce. Seeing an attorney, learning your rights and obligations, even drawing up some paperwork in case it's needed are all good things. But I wouldn't drop the hammer unless/until I was bent on following through. Your call though.

Did you let the OBS know your WW wasn't nearly as engaging with regards to fixing the M and to be cautious....cuz in the end you can not control your WW no matter how much you want both marriages to succeed, but your M is in fact heading south for now and to be aware of the possible false R on her end?

Filling for D is a smart move.....I hope in 6 months you can call it off before you finalize.

But for now you have no clue if OM is actually the only OM, or if she just has no desire to stay married no matter if she can keep the OM or be alone, maybe her job is what she truly loves????

IDK but if she ain't on her knees begging for you and this marriage.....you best served to bail and find a chick that digs you and your kids.

I get the impression you are married to an extremely narcissistic individual. It’s all about her. You are just collateral damage. I don’t normally post here as I am on blunt combat hardened jarhead. Your WW is a piece of work. I have one bit of advice for you as you need to drive home the point you are in control and that is have her served. Preferably at her job.

She sees herself as superior to you and beware. In my opinion she is in her mind figuring out how to regain control of the situation. If you do not file I have an acronym from my days in the Corps.BOHICA! Translation, bend over here it comes again. Do not let BOHICA materialize. Head it off at the pass by taking the lead.

I just do not see your WW as a candidate for R. She is sorry she was busted. That is it. Keep following the 180.”Charlie Mike”

Filling for D is a smart move.....I hope in 6 months you can call it off before you finalize.

Sorry to say, it’s the only move, if she isn’t willing to write a NC letter, you have nothing.

Actions not words. She can say she’ll go NC all she wants but it’s the action of writing that letter that demonstrates the willingness.

Actions not words. Instead of writing a NC letter this morning, she went and saw a lawyer. That says it all.

You have your own decision tree and it points straight to having her served.

Bahama,

You seem to be pretty cognizant of what's going on. You're her Plan B and she isn't even trying to hide that fact.

If I was you I would tell her that you are divorcing her ... period, and if after the divorce and the settlement she wants to try to win back your trust you may be willing to give that a try, to the extent of possibly living together just not married. The divorce and settlement are her consequences for cheating on you and lying about it for as long as she did. Odds are solid staying with you is just a way for her to rugsweep everything and keep her money and reputation, because after all if you stayed with her, what she did must not have been that bad.

Sooner or later she will leave you, with or without the OM. So let her go. It isn't really a big loss. Without real love, attempting to save this marriage is just a waste of time.

Take the filing seriously. Listen to your lawyer and follow instructions. Start looking for employment ASAP. Skip a few of those 5 stages of grief and go directly to the acceptance phase.

Accept it and walk away.

[This message edited by 66charger at 7:53 AM, March 1st (Friday)]

I’m glad you’re seeing a lawyer soon. Unfortunately I agree with others here that filing is the best move. Remember it doesn’t mean you’ll actually D but it’s the only way true R would be possible if you decide to go that route.

Right now her actions are all about her and protecting herself. Other than a few kind words, she’s really done next to nothing to truly acknowledge your pain and the tremendous damage she’s done. She couldn’t even immediately agree to a NC letter when you asked. Twice! It’s just shocking.

She’s weighing her options and putting you and your children second. At best. You’ve done a very good job. No, an amazing job. Much better than I did that’s for sure. I hope you won’t be lulled into inaction or grab on too strongly to false hope based on some occasional crumb your WW drops you here or there. She has a long way to go and her initial actions sadly have been weak tea at best.

Oh man, the flu is no joke this year. Both my kids had it (as well as half the school) and they were out for almost 2 weeks. Many of their classmates were hospitalized with subsequent pneumonia. Hope she's on Tamiflu and your other daughter stays healthy. You might want to consider taking Tamiflu prophylactically.

I wish you the best. I know that you are hoping that serving your wife with divorce papers will snap her out of it, but I don't think it will ( at least not right away). She is deep in the fog.

Start making plans for after filing, in-house separation, looking for work, child care. You have to keep moving forward.

Good luck today. We're here for you.

It's not unusual for the OW to get dumped after DDay. So far, it looks like that's what's happening to your WW. Between the "decision tree" you initially discovered and her trip to the attorney today, I'd say her preference would be to end the marriage, but it's likely contingent on whether or not she can get him to leave his wife.

^^ Sadly, this is what I think is happening too.

My heart breaks for you and I take no pleasure in writing what I say next but to me, she seems *very* cold and calculating.

It's *all* about her. She's got her own decision tree going on here. She's gone to see the attorney to see how bad it would be for her if you do file. She wants to know - how much of a 'threat' could you be to her future lifestyle plans? Does she have to keep you sweet until she knows for certain what OM is doing? How much would she have to lose to leave the marriage? If she can manage that loss and jumps ship first would OM follow? And importantly, can she cope on her own if he doesn't?

Even if she is in a fog about the OM, and she most probably still is - I also think she's in a fog about herself. That note she left you shows you that she doesn't see you as an equal partner at present but a hanger on to her coat tails. She's all caught up in her own greatness. This woman is in dire need of a reality check. She's chosen not to see that you've been the wind beneath her wings for all this time and she's heading for an almighty *crash* when she realises that without your support she won't be soaring with the eagles but trying to clear fences with a flock of chickens.

I'm sorry that I sound so horrible but her seeming blindness to your worth and reaction to your pain has made me enraged on your behalf.

Maybe she'll wake up, I don't know. But I do think that for now, you need to start thinking about what is the very best outcome for *you* and your daughters and working toward that. Go and see an attorney, find out your rights, what you can expect and go on from there. The 180 will be your friend from here on out.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that she could be shaken up from her one sided view of your marriage - but I fear she won't until she sees reality staring her in the face. And even if she does she'd still need to do a lot of work on her entitlement issues.