SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

T/J

These priorities miss the big picture. Our hero’s ONLY two jobs right now are:

1. Take care of the kids

2. Get out of Infidelity

He is not out of Infidelity. Until (if) the wife is in True Remorse than all of life’s priorities are meaningless. They mean nothing without a safe partner.

I don’t think what I listed misses the priorities provided above. As noted in my statement, if he highly doubts his wife will ever reprioritize her life so that Bahama comes first and the kids a close second (i.e., a safe partner), I stated he should file. Right away. In this instance, there’s no use expending anymore energy, and D is one path to get out of infidelity, correct?

On the other hand, if he thinks she might change, he can give her some time to reprioritize, and become a safe partner, then he can R. However, again as I stated, if he sees no change, then he should file, because he deserves to be her first priority, and the kids a close second (i.e., a safe partner).

Taking care of his kids is a given, either R or D.

End T/J

[This message edited by Drumstick at 8:00 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

I'm having a bad morning here guys. I guess the "roller coaster" ride has taken a turn. Just back to feeling overwhelmed. I get what everyone is saying and appreciate your non-emotional views from outside the situation.

I didn't speak to my WS last night. I just took some meds and went to bed before she got home. Our youngest daughter is sick with what may be the flu. She started running a fever last night and coughing. When it rains it pours I guess.

This morning my WS was just present. Helped deal with the kids and did her usual routine. I was staying out of the way and wasn't going to initiate any communication with her regarding the situation. If she is going to help she has to do the work. I get it. My impression of her is she is still in the fog. She doesn't seem to acknowledge how destroyed I am or she what she's done as wrong.

I'm in my office doing some work on the computer and she comes in and tells me she has to go out for an appointment at 9 but shouldn't be gone long. I ask what doctor she's going to see and for what and she replied it wasn't a doctors appointment but rather an initial consultation with an attorney. I was a little stunned but didn't show it. My thoughts immediately went to her dad whom she spoke with two days ago just after I had confronted her. As I mentioned yesterday, I met with her dad and we talked for nearly 3-hours about the situation and to clear up some misunderstandings she had given him that had made him furious with me according to her. These items were her assumption that I was looking to remortgage our home so I could take the equity money out and run and the issue with logging onto our bank accounts on a particular internet browser all of a sudden. She said she just wanted to talk to an attorney as a "fact finding mission" for what a divorce would entail and look like for us.

Just before she left I asked if she had spoken to her dad since yesterday morning. She said no. I suggested she check in with him. I also proactively told her that we had cleared up the financial misunderstandings. I asked if I could show her something and showed her the details about the refinance and how it was exactly to almost the dollar a plan to consolidate our other debt and I was not trying to take money from our equity. I also showed her the timeline for me working on that and how it was well before my D-Day. I then sat her down, opened my Firefox browser and went to our online bank account page. I clicked log-in and it auto-filled our user name and password. I asked her what our password was and she told me. I showed her as I retyped it in exactly as it's always been. I hit enter and it took me to the "system error" page just as she had encountered and assumed I'd changed the password to lock her out and take control of our money. I then turned off a VPN extension on the browser, did the log-in again and it opened right up. I showed her all the money was still in place and that I was not plotting to destroy her, take the money and run. I again gently suggested that she check in with her dad.

I then told her that she is her own person and she's free and in control to do whatever she'd like. I let her know I didn't care if she talked to an attorney.

I told her it wasn't exactly the kind of action I needed to see from her if she was going to try to heal me an us, but it was her choice. I told her it was evident to me that she still had no clue as to how much damage she had done to me and our home. I then told her to be safe on the roads in the rain and have a good day before returning to work in my office.

ShutterHappy: Your take on her thoughts progression sounds pretty spot on to me. She's absolutely not ready for R at this point. She's very much still in the fog.

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:26 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

This is what people who cheat are thinking about.....right now. They are not thinking passed their noses. Planning on a bike ride, going on a bike ride, celebrating a bike ride, is not a complete life. If the two of them divorce you and your counterpart and marry they still have the usual day-to-day stuff to deal with. They cannot live on bicycles. This is where the rubber meets the road. They might be in a honeymoon stage for a while but reality inevitabley comes back. They might be really compatible but I doubt it. You cannot make a deep and meaningful life on the top of a bicycle.

Have you hired a lawyer yet? Better do it ASAP. A WW seeing a lawyer is a pretty clear sign of her intention at present.

I told her it wasn't exactly the kind of action I needed to see from her if she was going to try to heal me an us, but it was her choice

.

Again, this is the bass-ackward approach. You cannot control her. You can only control you. Your demands risk morphing into whining at some point fairly soon.

Find your psychic space and prepare yourself to move on unless and until SHE comes to YOU and offers a plan to help you heal. I would remind you that, when she thought you weren't looking, she made a literally graphic statement of her intent:

The third was a photo of a "decision tree" that had been sketched out on paper and was being held by the AP. The drawing was labeled "The Affair" and went through the thought process of where they were taking it. It started with are we going to leave our spouses and become a couple

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:43 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

I second BFTG’s sentiment... hire a lawyer, quickly. In fact, see two or three good ones in the area to screen your wife from using them, and choose the best.

Yes. Retain a lawyer, ASAP. The best one that she can afford.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:13 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:30 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

Perhaps the advice is coming from the AP.

Prepare yourself, legally and psychologically, for the possibility that she and the AP are going to choose to be together. Don't forget their decision tree, which showed they were evaluating leaving their spouses. They may just decide to make that happen, so make sure you have seen an attorney and know your rights because if they do that, you are going to be at a significant disadvantage legally. He has money and resources whereas you are dependent on your WW.

I'd be willing to bet good money that her and OM are planning to be together. She would not be considering divorce so quickly unless she knew that he would be there for her.

I'm sorry to say, but from here on out, you can not confide in her family anymore. Blood is blood they will take her side.

Double post

[This message edited by whodidimarry at 9:12 AM, February 28th, 2019 (Thursday)]

Triple post. Darn browser

[This message edited by whodidimarry at 9:12 AM, February 28th, 2019 (Thursday)]

The OBS, your only potential ally in this mess, is ahead of you Bahama; both emotionally, because of her suspicions, and process wise. You need to go see a lawyer, too. Today! Take the kids, get a sitter, whatever it takes. Grant yourself permission to get angry. You've earned the right.

And, don't worry about taking the high road in your dealings with your wife. You need to be authentically you, but also realize there is only one road - your road. Your WW has been on another road for some time now. BTW, hers was not the high road. Her road may or may not ever join up with yours again and you have little (as in NO) control over that. What you thought you had is an illusion. It was irretrievably lost just before their first kiss.

Your WW may come out of the fog and decide to rejoin your team if she sees you reacting strongly to her actions. Its a long shot, but the only shot.

Whatever you do, even if you file today, hold your head high and rest assured you have done the right thing for yourself and your kids. Any negative consequences your wife - or anyone else - experiences are not your doing. Your WW is solely responsible for knocking over the first domino leading to this CF you find yourself in.

Watch out for her deciding not to divorce for economic reasons. She may not share that particular motivation with you.

[This message edited by ARock at 9:42 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

I wouldn't flip out too much because she is seeing an attorney but you should be seeing some as well ASAP if you have not already. If anyone can bring some "realities" into exploring that path, it would be that attorney. They aren't marriage counselors and they are going to give it to you straight regarding outcomes, especially very experienced ones that have helped many clients through many divorces. On top of that they will dispel any "myths" your WW's AP may have sold her about any double rainbow happy divorce endings.

Also, check your PM again, Bahama. I got a tip for you on seeing attorneys.

This whole thing about you pulling equity out of the house and running with it, that's a red herring. No lender is going to make a loan that she is not a co-borrower. However, refinancing the home to consolidate debt, that can sometimes be a sign of living over one's means.

Start interviewing lawyers, as many as you have time to talk to. She has a lot to lose financially and will be playing hardball in a divorce, so you'd be best to get a pit bull of a lawyer, even better if it's a female pit bull lawyer.

(edited due to acronym misreading, leading to useless advice)

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 10:53 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

I spoke on the phone to the OBS this morning and we both realize that more than anyone else on the planet we understand where the other one is right now. She shared a few more words from her WH about my WW that indicated that he's not going to get back with my WW and never really cared for her. She was just an entertainment item to him and he could "never love her because she's too frumpy." (?) There is tremendous financial pressure in their relationship should it come to a D, so I think it's unlikely he's going to jump ship from her and try to connect with my WW.

My WW just called me from the store to check in and proactively told me "the lawyer basically said that we should try to work this out and that he suggested counseling and putting in some effort before considering D."

[This message edited by Bahama at 8:32 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]

"Watch out for her deciding not to divorce for economic reasons. She may not share that particular motivation with you."

She's now seeing just how ****ed she is. She did it to herself, too.

You should talk to a lawyer for you to get up to speed on how ****ed she is.

I think you can regain all the power in this relationship. If she can associate that power with you as a person rather than associating it with money, and if she is self aware - or can become self aware enough - enough to accept all the blame for her bad decisions, there's your longshot.

Just don't give in too easy or too fast. Once you have demonstrated that the decision is up to you on whether you are willing to let her stay in the marriage, then she can undertake the hard - nearly impossibly hard - work it will take to rebuild.

[This message edited by ARock at 11:21 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

She said she just wanted to talk to an attorney as a "fact finding mission" for what a divorce would entail and look like for us.

The last thing a remorseful WW could be thinking about just after DD is to consult a D attorney, instead she should be on her knees begging for a 2nd chance, I hope you see this, I'm afraid but your WW is gone and has no intentions of ending her A, remember WATCH her actions, not her words, she's now resume to acting normal because most likely she talked to AP and he told her he's considering D, again you're her plan B, take that option from her, prepare for the fight of your life, at this point all bets are off, you need to see a pitbull D attorney TODAY, file for D and have her served at work without warning, D papers being served are at this point your only shot at shocking her back to reality, make sure adultery is mentioned in the D petition.

If she complains tell her you're getting out of infidelity one way or another, that if she still wants to have a chance to save the M she knows what to do and has to fight for it tooth and nail, you in the meantime will focus on your children and getting out of infidelity with or without her.