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I would get the lawyer, Bahama, and file. Get ahead of the curve. As I previously said, filing is just the initial step. There's a lot of paper work and time after that. I don't know about where you live but here I think if the WS files the reason for D won't be adultery and that may affect divorce settlement. I'm not a lawyer and I don't live in an at fault state so I'm just guessing. Nonetheless, get ahead of the curve. Shake her tree.

You should NOT agree to MC at present. MC cannot succeed where one spouse is so broken that she decided an appropriate release for whatever pressure she was feeling was to sneak off and fuck the husband of her friend, secretly and repeatedly. She needs to fix herself first.

My friend, you are in irons. I realize you are probably gobsmacked and your emotions are running through a giant roller coaster. However, as an outside observer, I'm reminding you that you are in a cycle at present of telling her to do "X", then waiting. That cycle will get you nowhere, fast.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:14 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Yes, Bahama, your WW translator is working perfectly, and the translated message should be troubling to you. It begs the question of whether she would be willing to D if she wouldn’t take a financial hit. Was that part of the decision tree? Yuck. Add another item to the list of her priorities ahead of you and the girls...

You really need to separately hear what she heard today. Because there may come a time that you are sick of being an afterthought and want out. Knowledge is power, my friend.

As an aside, you and POSOM’s BS deserve better than these two ass clowns. I hope you begin to see that.

There is tremendous financial pressure in their relationship should it come to a D, so I think it's unlikely he's going to jump ship from her and try to connect with my WW.

My WW just called me from the store to check in and proactively told me "the lawyer basically said that we should try to work this out and that he suggested counseling and putting in some effort before considering D." Even in my shitty state right now I can translate that. Basically he told her "Given the situation if you go to divorce he's going to destroy you and everything you have." Does my translation sound about right?

Your translation sounds perfect to me, and I bet that's the same thing her boyfriend learned from his. Do not forget she went to see a D lawyer to well explore the D options, if the attorney would have told her it wouldn't be that bad for her, I think she would have filed, again at this point you are her "plan B", plan A was/is her boyfriend.

I would still have her served with D papers, based on what she's done she's still in the A, they are most likely coordinating all their moves and could be plotting to take the A underground, if you ultimately decide to give R a chance, you need to at least have her sign a postnup in your favor in case she cheats again (she's already a proven cheater and liar), talk to your attorney about a postnup.

Your first question to her tonight is have you contacted/seen POSOM since Dday ? if so, why ? you have a week to come up with a complete timeline of your A and huge betrayal, have you contacted my family to apologize yet ? By going to see a D lawyer your actions tell me I'm not your plan A and if there's even a chance to R you have to make me and your family your priority and make us plan A again, that means you have to give up your hobby FOREVER, I trusted you were training and instead you were fucking your trainer and planning to leave me for him, at this point your hobby is the last thing that should be on your mind, if you haven't noticed our M is on life support, it's one of the consequences of your A, you did this, you destroyed my trust. I will be contacting my own D lawyer to see what D looks like for ME and the children. I'm not going to any counseling yet, you need to go to IC to find out why you gave yourself permission to break your M vows and BECOME a CHEATER and a LIAR. Another thing is, just because she's not ready to file now after talking to her A, she now knows what it looks like and chance her mind later, you need to protect yourself.

My WW just called me from the store to check in and proactively told me "the lawyer basically said that we should try to work this out and that he suggested counseling and putting in some effort before considering D." Even in my shitty state right now I can translate that. Basically he told her "Given the situation if you go to divorce he's going to destroy you and everything you have." Does my translation sound about right?

Pretty much

I've only spoken to one attorney via a phone call a couple days ago at the time of the confrontation. He wasn't that helpful except to clear up that while TN is an at fault divorce state that infidelity is secondary to all other factors when it comes to alimony and has no bearing on child custody for the most part unless the children are in harms way. The education of each spouse, current income, earning ability, etc are the primary factors in alimony or any D settlement. I think the attorney she saw today told her this and that it would be bad for her financially.

Bad for her indeed.

I'd get your ducks in a row and get your consults in with some attorneys. Get a couple referrals because I am also of the opinion that you will need to get pit bull if it comes down to divorce (female preferably). Not one that will spend time and your money frivolously but one that is hard-nosed and will go after everything possible.

I am not sure about you, but I don't know if I could stay with a disrespectful "frumpy" woman whose main priority was just salvaging her finances. That would be a tough pill to swallow.

Anyway, her level of effort to save the M over the next weeks and months won't be hard to observe and evaluate IMO. Don't put too much credence in what she says because it is BS. Observe what she actually does.

Dear Bahama,

Please listen to the advice given by the posters. Your wife is not invested in you nor your family. She is only invested in her AP. Her sole purpose is to protect her assets by asking you to consider MC. It is my opinion if you decide to choose MC, that would be a mistake. She is not MC material!!! Get yourself a shark attorney and move forward. This is not the time to consider your WW.

Best,

Bigheart

Good advice from all.

And Bahama, when all of this is over and the dusts settles and you are divorced, make sure you never become a SAHD again...ever.

Women have no respect for SAHDs no matter how much they protest to the contrary.

We have to remember that though it is cheating, each case is different. The BS have different levels of tolerance and expectations. Also the feelings also depend on how good or bad their past together had been. So the cause of actions does not have to be same. It looks like at least in WW's mind, this has been an exit affair or at least she is infatuated. Post Dday POS may be feeding her just enough to keep her in tow. Because of her business like approach, post Dday, there is also the likelihood that even in successful R WW may not be in it for emotional reasons.

If BS is OK with that and WW make an honest effort and be fully open with BS, it can lead to R. But if BS want R WW has to be much more open than now and disclose everything. If BS like to R he must ask for all these steps (NC letter, access to phone etc, her whereabouts, the details of the affair etc) from WW.

Is talking to the POS and asking WTF he did and want a good thing?

[This message edited by goalong at 12:43 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Do you have any reason to think this is not her first rodeo?

To me it looks like an exit affair. they're both higher income and probably have an entitled attitude regarding you and OBS.

AP is telling his wife that your wife was just a sidepiece but your WW is going to see how divorce looks because she is either in love or on her way out. Maybe they are not in communication but I highly doubt that. Both want to protect their assets, which they may lose 1/2 of for a while.

You have the decision tree. In black and white. Give her what she wants., and her wants are the OP, her $$$, her family. In reality she may end up with no OP if he wants to keep his $$$ and BS, 1/2 her money and her family 1/2 the time

Try to get the sharkiest husband protecting attorney you can and work on being with the kids.

Advise the OBS to do the same. Take these to cheaters to the cleaners. They deserve each other.

File soon.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:54 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:14 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

I get that there are kids involved so it greatly complicates things but this is turning into a farce. The level of entitlement is shocking. Every thing has to be on her terms. And this is after meticulously planning an exit which leaves you in the dust high and dry. Her coldness and efficiency is almost impressive in a perverse way. Do you honestly believe that the marriage can be brought back from this? Think long and hard about it. Do not get dragged into any marital counselling. Look out for yourself. Your wife does not have your best interests in her mind.

sent you a PM on how to select an attorney

My WW just called me from the store to check in and proactively told me "the lawyer basically said that we should try to work this out and that he suggested counseling and putting in some effort before considering D." Even in my shitty state right now I can translate that. Basically he told her "Given the situation if you go to divorce he's going to destroy you and everything you have." Does my translation sound about right?

Yup. Because like I said, they aren't marriage counselors. Instead, that sounds exactly like the advice one would get if their projected outcome did not look too good in D.

However, her attorney saying you both should "try to work this out" is not a reason for YOU to stay in this M. Also, don't let her use her attorney's suggestion as an excuse to give things another go. She will half-ass the effort and not fully take ownership of her affair. She has to show you she wants you and the M, and can be a safe person for you again. Ask your you next few attorneys about the possibility of a postnup.

As an FYI do not jump right into MC. Have her start IC to figure out why she though cheating on her husband and kids was a good idea.

Lot's of times MC work on problems in the marriage and gloss over the affair. She is still in the fog.

Bahama,

IMO there are 2 points you must consider before deciding what yo do.

You offer your WW R since the beggining, when she hesitated your forced her dicision. She never asked to R. In fact she consulted a lawyer mainly to asses if D worthed and to start putting her ducks in a row.

Cheaters lie! She is just buying time telling you what you want to hear.I bet she is stil in contact with OM profesing her perfect love.

Would be a good idea to tell your wife that is better to D. That the lawyer told you that is for your own protection and It doesnt mean you dont want to R. Explain to her that in a fault state if you have sex after Dday the affair is not considered as IS forgiven. It may not be true but the idea IS to see if she wants to be with you out of love or finantial losses.

Good luck

HER lawyer told her what was best for HER financially. You need your own lawyer to tell YOU what is best for YOU financially.

What was she going to do if the lawyer said she would get out of this in good shape financially??

Bahama,

This is the “vibes” I get from your posts and again it’s all speculations.

I’m not surprised you brought the OBS here. I suspect you are the type of person who cares about others , sometimes more than yourself. Through this mess, you still manage to be worried about the OBS, and maybe even your WW that is taking wrong decisions after wrong decisions and basically self destructing. When you get out of infidelity, and you will, I wouldn’t be surprised if you start helping others here.

I’m also speculating that your WW is considering her options. It’s all about her right now. What follows is wayward thinking, don’t take it personally... “I’m the bread winner and he does nothing at home”. “All the stuff is mine, I can take my stuff, my kids and get rid of him”. So she’s thinking... What to chose? Keep the husband/babysitter? Divorce and get all my stuff? Go with the rich BF? Oups, divorce sucks more than I thought, I’ll have to do the MC thing, but at least I can blame him during those sessions.

My speculation is that it’s something along those lines. Everything you wrote so far (about her) is all “me me me”.

I also suspect that the AP will dump her, at least until the dust settles, because, waywards are selfish, and selfish people don’t want to lose their stuff, and he has a lot of stuff to lose. But who knows?

The most important part is that your WW considers you as “the chicken legs” in her buffet of options, and that won’t do. This is not a brothel and you are not door #6.

My suggestion: detach, see a lawyer, seek support from your family, detach (did I mention detach?), protect yourself and your daughter, and walk towards divorce for now.

I actually hope that your WW will wake up, but in the mean time... wishing you the best!

Checking in here.

We took our youngest to the doctor together around lunch time and found out she does have Flu A. Poor thing.

Still nothing but quiet avoidance from my WW. When we returned from the M.D. I told her I was taking a walk. And walk I did, probably ~5 miles or so in the rain. As I walked I checked in with the OBS.

She reported that her husband had been showing some effort to fix things. He was going to write a NC letter, and stayed up all night reading After the Affair. It sounds like he at least is coming out of the fog to a degree. I wish them luck and know the road ahead for them.

As for me. I keep hearing the same advice over and over so tomorrow will be lawyer day. Of the impressions you are sharing on here about the situation sound the same and deep down I know you are right. Tonight after the kids get down to sleep, I will be around and available for her to talk to me, but I absolutely will not begin any engagement. You are all right that I can't keep holding to false hope and need to detach. She's done zero work to address the issue. I can't trust her and I'm in a bad place.

[This message edited by Bahama at 6:03 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Keep in mind that you are not the one who cheated with a friend, you have integrity and are not broken like your WW is.

IF and that's a big if the AP is trying to fix his M, then your WW will soon find herself tossed under the bus by him and looking at D papers from you. That may snap her out of the fog at least a bit. She may decide what she wants, then it's up to you to decide if you want R or D.

You can download the divorce papers from your county website. You should do it so you are familiar with them. And you should look into an attorney. But working on the D papers may be an eye opener for you to see how it could end up. Ask her for help in filling them out...

Have y'all had STD tests yet?