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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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Tallgirl posted 4/5/2019 01:48 AM

Tonight has been a long night, still haven't slept and it is 2.30 am.

Why? I found some files that my WH had tucked away. (I was inspired to look by another event tonight because my trust in humanity was shaken - so I snooped).

Probably should not have listened to the audio recordings but I did. Despite hearing my WH telling the bitch whore AP that he loved her - which bothers me less than what I learned - he lied and omitted. I have been utterly clear, lie to me and we are done.

So, right now he's sick on the couch. I'm numb. Wasn't much fun hearing recordings of them planning on how to take money from me with their "shark" lawyer. (It was mostly her, but there was my idiot WH saying yah.)

disappointed in the...
Trust gone with the ...
who the fuck am I married to...
Sliver of hope, gone because of ...

Lying, cheating dumbass
Lying, cheating dumbass
Lying, cheating dumbass
Lying, cheating dumbass
Lying, cheating dumbass...

Tomorrow should be a hell of a day.

Starzen posted 4/5/2019 06:43 AM

I have been utterly clear, lie to me and we are done.

Are you done now? Are you ready to love yourself more than him/the marriage? Are you ready for peace?

Sending you a hug and strength.

Tallgirl posted 4/5/2019 07:34 AM

He's going to look for a place for next month. He was not sleeping last night so I raised it. I knew it was true because of the pausing.

I'm disappointed that he couldn't tell me the truth. I've asked multiple times, is there anything else, tell me now, etc.

The apt may be in her city, and I have no trust.

We are both very upset. I'm so sad, 25 years up in smoke because he can't tell the truth.

northeasternarea posted 4/5/2019 15:28 PM

I am sorry that he has continued to lie.

NorthernMSB posted 4/6/2019 09:11 AM

I am so sorry this has happened. I cannot fathom the continued lying at all. What is the point of that when the WS is then STILL rolling the dice on the relationship??

I am waiting minute by minute for the other shoe to drop. My WH seems to be 100% in and seems to be telling me everything he remembers but in my gut I feel there is something else lurking. Some detail, event, action etc. That has not been disclosed or remembered that will be that final straw. Maybe there is nothing...

I am so sorry everyone is here. I don’t know how everyone else is doing but I am drowning. Reconciling 22 years of deception is quite beyond my capability right now. The 6 week affair I discovered first was bad enough but 22 years with other OW is incomprehensible to me.

Tallgirl, I hope you find peace and a little oasis of calm and clarity now. That is what I wish for and wish it for you. And then happiness...

gmc94 posted 4/6/2019 10:50 AM

Oh ((((tallgirl)))). That sucks. Sometimes they just cannot stop lying.
I'm so damn sorry and angry for you.

Have you ever gotten the sense that he "gets it"? At nearly 15 months, it seems the glimmers of that are just now beginning to form. Of course, it's all relative, considering the hell these LTA WS put us through...

Today this quote (purportedly from Mark Wahlberg, but I never trust that) showed up on my FB feed:

you’ll end up real disappointed if you expect people to treat you as you treat them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
It totally resonated. We BS expect our WS - you know, the LOVES of our lives - to respect us, but seems like most of them just can't do it.

Giant hugs and positive vibes for you.

gmc94 posted 4/6/2019 10:54 AM

And NorthernMSB - I just read your early posts. My WH did the EXACT same thing, but did admit a 10-yr PA. Just want you to know that I understand what it feels like to realize that your M has been a 3-way since the beginning. It taints EVERYTHING for me - whether during the EA years or the PA years, it's pretty much all fucked.

I would do a poly asap if he's not admitting any PA (esp after that "sleepover" way back when). There is NO reason to keep those communications secret. There is zero question in my mind that the only reason my WH kept 27 years of communication secret is bc he wanted to f*ck her the entire time. Before we M, after we M, after DD was born, etc.

I'm so sorry our husbands are such jackasses.

ETA: And I'm right there with you on waiting for the other shoe to drop (kind of feels like the whole sky is full of 'em and eventually one will come tumbling down). I suspect he can't manage to find the strength to do an accurate (or detailed) timeline bc there is more to all of this. Honestly, I don't believe the LTA POSOW was the only one, but doubt he'd come clean until there is a poly.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:57 AM, April 6th, 2019 (Saturday)]

NorthernMSB posted 4/6/2019 12:15 PM

gmc94: Yes Exactly! Everything feels tainted and I have strung together life events and his phone/text history to create a rather unsightly situation. Initially he kept blaming me that it was whenever we fought he would contact her. But he now has to take that back because during many (MANY) wonderful moments he was calling or texting her. The worst part for me or one of them, how to quantify THAT in this situation! is that he rewrote our marriage history, made it 100% bad in his head and BELIEVED it. I literally had to go through boxes and boxes of pictures and detail events, celebrations, wonderful times for him to remember them. How unbelievably sad for HIM to have lost all that joy with me and the kids for some stupid shallow affair.

And YES there is a whole sky full of shoes waiting to drop on me. I literally JUST had a conversation with WH about 10 minutes ago about this impeding feeling of doom. He keeps saying if she does something that exposes him publicly she will look stupid. Well, yes...number one, that is not reassuring and not a true denial of anything else coming out. and two, HE will look worse I would think. Anyway, he maintains no sex, no touching of the body at all except hands on the waist during their make out sessions against my van and in her bed. Sure...I believe that. But I cannot prove otherwise.

At this point it would be an absolute relief of EPIC proportions to get something from him, her, a passing stranger, ANYONE that tells me they did have sex. I just want to know because every fibre of who I am is screaming that it makes no sense that they did not. SHE says why would she lie to me and say they didn't, HE says he "would never cross that line". I am drowning. Anyone have a lifejacket?

gmc94 posted 4/6/2019 13:57 PM

Sorry, no lifejacket, just well wishes.

My WH pulled the same shit about frequency of contact and when/where. I happened to get a few tidbits from old cellphone backups and it's perfectly clear they had no problem communicating on "our" time. She'd text and email evenings, weekends, during the dinner hour, etc. She'd nag him (like a wife) when he didn't return her contacts quickly. Still, every time he's seen "evidence" in the past he cannot put 2 + 2 together, cannot recognize his own cognitive dissonance, and cannot come clean. I suspect my WH won't recognize just how important stuff like this and his timeline are until he is served with divorce papers. It's amazingly sad to learn, to see, and try to accept, just how broken and hypocritical they are.

I try to just focus on me as, unfortunately, all I can do is assume the worst about him. He is making some extremely small baby steps, but he is nowhere near trustworthy. His shame and victim roles are just too powerful. But, today is a beautiful sunny day. We are going for a bike ride. I will enjoy myself regardless of what he does.

Sorry you are here.

NorthernMSB posted 4/6/2019 15:19 PM

Enjoy your bike ride. Everything is still buried in snow here, going to go on the treadmill and then work all evening.

WH at work all night. I find the times we are apart right now are the times I obsess and dwell on everything. No sleep again...

Tallgirl posted 4/6/2019 17:10 PM

Hi Northern,
Did I read a 22year affair with no sex. Given my experience 2 days ago, it is highly likely he is omitting and covering his tail with lies on top of lies.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is agonizing.

I hope you can find some peace soon...


NorthernMSB posted 4/6/2019 21:15 PM

Yes apparently no sex.

He cheated with his ex directly before me as well with same OW and DID have sex.

He and the OW were talking, texting etc so on every week for over 22 years, before we were married and ever since. He stopped and saw her a bunch of times when travelling to see his family etc without me and the kids. Made out with her,they exchanged vows of undying love, soul mates etc, he SLEPT over at her house when I was overseas on a business trip in her bed, cuddled, necked, planned their rainbow glitter dusted future but both of them say they never had sex. Her because Lordy he was married and she was not that kind of woman (could be IN MY MARRIAGE for 22 years but not f#$@ him) and him because he “couldn’t cross that line”.

I understand COMPLETELY that sex is really beside the point after 22 years of betrayal but for the Love of whatever God you believe in, just tell the truth! Okay, maybe they didn’t...but every bit of me thinks they did and just want the truth. Crazy!

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 9:16 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

Tallgirl posted 4/8/2019 06:18 AM

Thank you everyone for your support.

CaliforniaNative posted 4/13/2019 09:22 AM

Tall girl,

I divorced my now xh after the first time he broke no contact. The divorce was final one year ago, on July 7th. D day 1 was August 4 2017. D day 2 was Sept 1 2017. No more D Days.....I was done.

Today I can tell you this-
I am doing well financially
12 year old son is doing well - custody split 50/50
I met someone who is a much better man (outside and in) then my ex. I really like him.and it’s so much fun.
I am healed and that happened 1.2 years after D Day
I am extremely busy, but in a good place
I look at my ex now and just see a sad broken person. He has a new gf and I could care less. I have no interest in meeting her at all
I spend a lot more time with the people that are good to me - friends, family, new guy, my dog and caring coworkers.

I rarely post anymore because I have a lot going on and I am pretty happy most days. I wanted to say this because you shouldn’t fear D. You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 9:48 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

gmc94 posted 4/14/2019 21:19 PM

glad to hear from you CA Native. More glad to hear you are doing well.

Tallgirl posted 4/16/2019 07:16 AM

Thanks California, it's scary for me. I've never been alone.

I dropped my wall on Sunday, and we have had some good convo's - we mutually agreed that we need time and perspective, so we will trial separate so we can each move forward. For as much as I feel stressed and hurt, he feels guilty and ashamed, the two are not mixing well. After the trial, we'll decide if we done or not.

Feeling exhausted to my bones.

Chaos posted 4/24/2019 08:55 AM

California Native - excellent update! So glad to hear you are doing well.

CaliforniaNative posted 4/28/2019 21:22 PM

Thanks Chaos.

Tall girl, how are you doing?

Tallgirl posted 4/29/2019 17:09 PM

Hi California,
I'm tense and feel a little panic right now. but I will go through it. He moves out this week. We need to tell our youngest today/tomorrow. It will hurt him although I doubt it will be a surprise.

My WH and I have had good and rotten communication experiences recently. Yesterday was rotten, making me wish for the separation. Our interactions and communications reminded me of the anger I had pre and during the A. A well worn groove of negative emotion. It didn't take much to through me back.

He is moving out this week - think Wed/Tuesday. I do not regret moving forward with the break, I am struggling and need peace. Pain keeps sneaking in unexpectedly. I need calm to find my centre and I can't when he is in the house.

We talked about what the trial separation will look like. I basically said any lying, contact with the whore bitch AP or any inappropriate behavior period simply means the trial becomes permanent. This isn't a separation where he can take his ring off and play like he did before. I'd like to say I don't think he will, but he has lied for so long I can't really be confident saying that.

I have no way of monitoring him, but if I have any sense of this being abused, heaven help him.

My husband sent me a text just now, the reality - the crush - of separating has just hit him.

I don't know how to even respond. Still in a fantasy land where consequences are divorced from action/reality. I've been living in a crushed state for a long time.

I would tell him to come here to SI but I need my own space here. I need to feel safe to share.

Sometimes I wonder who I married.

I have been kind to him, I am glad reality is hitting - finally.

It's not a little spat. It is life altering.

I think exhaustion will set in again this week.

Marz posted 4/29/2019 23:24 PM

I basically said any lying, contact with the whore bitch AP or any inappropriate behavior period simply means the trial becomes permanent.

I think something a little more original would work better.

Like Rosie Rotten Crotch ?

But that's just me

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