SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks to you all! Tough week put in perspective by those that know. It’s too awesome. Walk tall and be proud you’re a good person - I love it. I don’t mind the edge that this has given me either. I will always continue to be a good dude, because what else matters in the end, but not at my own expense anymore. Thanks!

For those who are working on reconciliation and/or reconciled, have you ever said the words, “I forgive you” to your WS?

When I thought we were reconciling, yes, I said those words. I guess add that as another reason he felt he should just continue then!

Nea- I have been in r for years now. I have never and will never tell my wh that I forgive hime. Because I don’t and never will.

I don’t feel the need to forgive him in order time or for any reason. I guess the closest to forgiveness I can get is to try to r.

What he did was unforgivable and I have no intention of forgiving him. I don’t worry about it it care about it. I try to think of him as pre the work and post doing the work. That sure doesn’t mean that I am over it either. I have loads of anger still.

No and I can't imagine ever saying it in the future. What he did was unforgivable. I am trying to accept it. As I tell him, I'm still here that should be enough. I want him to forgive himself though, so that he has the strength to really confront his actions, or rather lack of action and can show me that he has really changed the way he deals with life. I just need to do the same and forgive myself for being so stupid for all those years.

Also he remembers so little of it all especially the start that I feel I don't know enough to forgive him I don't know exactly what I would be forgiving him for.

Mine doesn’t remember enough either. He never will because he doesnt want to have to tell me.

I have forgiven him by my definition of forgiveness, which is to give up the notion of punishing him for his actions. I think his definition is different, forgive and forget. I will never forget, and since we can't go back in time, there is nothing he can do to make up for it. I don't worry about whether we will be together forever. I still have some issues to work through.

This experience has deepened my faith. This time of year always makes me introspective. He still doesn't like to talk about his assholery. And I accept that we don't, and may never again have the closeness we once had. And it's ok. Life is good.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 6:48 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Do you end up forgiving or simply accepting it happened?

I don't think

they

should ever forget either, doesn't that put them at risk of a repeat?

Maybe forgiveness shows up in what is learned, and what is changed on both sides.

Forgiveness means something different to everyone. For me, I can forgive my husband because it makes me happier to not be carrying around such anger and hate. That does not mean I do not still trigger and need to discuss the details and he damn sure better be willing. 🤷‍♀️ I have never said the words but as I have explained to him, every time I tell him I love him, go on a date, snuggle on the sofa, or have sex is me forgiving him. Life is much easier and happier during those times. There is a difference between “rug sweeping” and accepting something horrible was done to you yet choosing to “let it go” and enjoy the good in people and life. And for me, I don’t take his problem and what he did personally. Yes, it hurt me something fierce, but it had nothing to do with me. He was a broken, mentally unstable, confused, cowardly man. He missed out on so much in life while I lived. I have no regrets. He does. He needs to forgive himself.

For me forgiveness simply means the I leave his punishment up to God. Forgiveness is for me. I will probably never tell him that I have forgiven him. It has absolutely nothing to do with repairing/rebuilding the relationship.He has to earn that. I have chosen to grant him grace and mercy. Another cheat guarantees that I will walk away from the marriage. And he knows that.

I haven't been on here in months, but my story hasn't changed. The long term affair continues. I just wait.

I haven't been on here in months, but my story hasn't changed. The long term affair continues. I just wait.

I hope you are getting your affairs in order.

Forgiveness is a tricky subject for me too. At four months after DDay, after a rough night, I made a painful and conscious decision to put his alleged "long ago, months long" affair behind us and work on forgiving and building a marriage that mattered. We had a long talk that night, he thanked me for moving forward and promised he only wanted to be with me, and I considered it our start over date. I learned almost a year later that they made plans that same day to meet on his business trip. Three months after my forgiveness decision I learned they were still in contact and that long ago meant days not years, and it took seven more months to realize they continued to sleep together after I knew about their affair and to realize the true scope of their relationship. The time lag of my discovery and my continuing trust in the face of denial is embarrassing and disorienting. So forgiveness isn't something I can even comprehend at this point, if ever. I offered it graciously and it was accepted under false pretenses and abused, while he was scheming how to avoid getting caught again. If that isn't unforgivable, in the face of my pain, is anything?

Maybe forgiveness is irrelevant at this point in our relationship. I tell myself I'm only here as long as this works for me, and I'll not allow or forgive anything that hurts me again. I will just go. I have told him I can't forgive and he is frustrated with that, but I can't help him there. As ye sow, so shall ye reap....

I am more hung up on the injustice of my suffering at his hand and the hard work it has cost me to rebuild my life, and to have a life with meaning with him, knowing what he is capable of doing, while he and his AP suffered minimally in comparison. I want them to pay but I don't know how. I want to see him struggle as I have, but he is not built that way. So I cycle through my anger and indignation, my worst personality flaws preA, just amplified and focused. Ugh.

Vengeance and anger are issues I will need to continue to work on as I heal. My stalking of the OW is tapering, thank goodness for small blessings. I finally realized she is no longer a factor in my marriage, just the cancer I cut out. I scared her away real good. This is the icky chemo part I guess, to be sure we got it all. Patience for the process and prayers for no reoccurrence.

whatisloveanyway, I understand how you feel, having experienced false R. If you haven't already, I suggest IC for you.

Another thing that sucks is people talk about affair season. I have an affair decade. Every month every holiday every anniversary every family birthday or event it’s own hell.

Thanksgiving2016, I almost posted that same sentence. I have a decade - that I now know of - with September, October, February, April, July, January, and March extra awful. They celebrated their birthdays together every December so add that one in too. A Christmas card that blew their cover, so that's a fun trigger for the holiday season. It's relentless.

I understand why some BS give up after a long attempt to reconcile. They get used up and give up. My WH doesn't get it, I tried to explain that they care enough to keep trying, but the pain became too much, or they realized their WS was incapable of making them feel safe moving forward. Some people just can't get over the busted deal. I'm trying to convince myself that I can.

Harder for me to grasp or accept than the number of years he led a secret life are the shared events in our lives with both our kids growing up, graduating, college sports careers, years of travel and fun watching them compete, celebrating our empty nest, me a fool all the while with another woman lurking in the shadows, and my husband a mystery to me. That's why I made a photo album of the affair years without my WH in them, it's therapeutic to see I had a good, happy, loving life despite the lies and betrayal around me.

So yes, no affair season, just a pre, during and post affair life. It's disorienting. I keep waiting/hoping to feel more grounded and secure but wonder if I will be off kilter permanently.

Anyone else look back at the truth and wonder how you could have been so blind, so unable to protect yourself better? He fooled our MC so at least it wasn't just me. Our MC said our story made him afraid for his own marriage. I have so many regrets now about the last decade but my greatest one is that I didn't find the help and support available here in time to do a better job managing my WH's affair. Coulda shoulda woulda. At least I have all the right tools in my belt now and I'm eyes wide open.

Thanks to everyone here for sharing their stories.

Some people just can't get over the busted deal. I'm trying to convince myself that I can.

Stop trying to convince yourself.

Anyone else look back at the truth and wonder how you could have been so blind, so unable to protect yourself better?

I wondered briefly, but not anymore. We are not fools, our WHs are the fools.

I can't control what he does. What I have seen in him is a new level of humility. Unfortunately, with long term affairs, we will never know everything.

I don't have a decade but 4 years. Still, it's every month. During that time we did so many things, just the two of us, that are those precious memories to savour as we grew older. They are forever tainted because she was with him before we left and immediately back to him when we returned. What grieves me most is the things I think I should have seen, things I should have done but didn't. A lot of that is based on information I now have but didn't then.

I have to say, though, that none of it ties me in knots or takes me to the bottom like it did. The impact lessens but every once in a while it is more severe for some reason.

Don't have an A "season", I have the PA decade and the EA for the rest of our M. There are a few short years early on that he SAYS they weren't in communication. Unfortunately, his girlfriend says they were sleeping together during that window (dating, honeymoon, trying to conceive). Absent a poly, I doubt I'll never know. Tho if we D, I intend to take her deposition. Granted, any cheater is probably fine with lying under oath, but I still like the idea of her conflict avoidant self having to suffer through my lawyer's questions.

Forgive? He has to earn that, and looks like he doesn't have it in him.

Acceptance? I'm working on it. I think it's important to find that place of healing - for me. I subscribe to Janis Spring's concepts of forgiveness (earned) and acceptance (done w/o offending party).

He has blown off most of the "non negotiables" I listed in November to stay in the M (after the suicide), including no more lies & NC (he didn't respond to her, but he didn't tell me when AP#2 reached out to him and then lied to me when caught - said he "forgot" to tell me), a detailed timeline of his interaction with his girlfriend (another reason why the "I forgot" lie about NC was a pretty big setback), and some sort of group therapy (or regular posting on SI).

We are separating. I've asked him to move out. Guess it just took me this long to put my big girl panties on. He's putting his head in the sand - as usual (hasn't said a WORD about any apartment hunting). I didn't expect another round of grief/triggers after this step, yet they have arrived. Our day-to-day has always been good - even after dday. We've always enjoyed each other's company. We laugh a lot together. But I guess the more time goes by w/o any progress on his end, the more I feel the need to distance myself from his brokenness. Still love him. Would be thrilled if there was a way to build a new M. But I cannot do it alone.

So - cheers to the next chapter in this journey.

ETA:

I am more hung up on the injustice of my suffering at his hand and the hard work it has cost me to rebuild my life, and to have a life with meaning with him, knowing what he is capable of doing, while he and his AP suffered minimally in comparison. I want them to pay but I don't know how. I want to see him struggle as I have, but he is not built that way. So I cycle through my anger and indignation, my worst personality flaws preA, just amplified and focused. Ugh.

Vengeance and anger are issues I will need to continue to work on as I heal. My stalking of the OW is tapering, thank goodness for small blessings. I finally realized she is no longer a factor in my marriage, just the cancer I cut out. I scared her away real good. This is the icky chemo part I guess, to be sure we got it all. Patience for the process and prayers for no reoccurrence.

I have struggled with this too, A LOT (even my own mom used to say I had a "well defined sense of justice" ). It was very hard to get to a place of just accepting that there is NO justice. I suspect I didn't get there until after my WH attempted/committed suicide... realizing that even if he had died it would not provide any sense of "justice" to me or my children. There is no price they can pay. Even if I had an RA I don't think it would hit him with the same kaboom that his LTA hit me (and then there's the whole "I deserve it" pity party they'd have). Best fantasy on this front that I could come up with is to go have sex with someone else, but call him as it begins, so he can spend an entire night imagining what I'm doing with some other guy. Problem is that then just gives ME more cancer on top of the cancer I'm working to cut out. Was nice to think about for a minute, but I would never follow through with it. It's not the person I want to be (and about a year ago, I did find myself alone in a hotel room with another man trying to get into my panties. I could not do it, despite the rage and injustice, it's just not in my character, which I think is a good thing).

And I guess at the end of the day, that sense of "there is no justice" has carried over to my non-A life. I haven't decided if that's helpful/healthy or not, but I just don't see "justice" the same way as I did 18 months ago. I do believe part of this comes from our societal view of adultery.... we just don't (or can't?) seem to care about it, or call it out as the trauma that it really is. I dunno why, but that just seems to be the way it is. So with that in mind, I guess I've become kind of numb to the injustice that occurs every day (I guess yet another "gift" of adultery that keeps on giving). We can learn to live with it, try to change what we can, but when it's all said and done, nothing can really ever restore US. We can punish others, but is that REALLY "justice"? or more like vengeance?

And this:

I understand why some BS give up after a long attempt to reconcile. They get used up and give up. My WH doesn't get it, I tried to explain that they care enough to keep trying, but the pain became too much, or they realized their WS was incapable of making them feel safe moving forward.

Personally, it's not been about whether the A is a dealbreaker. It is. My M is O-V-E-R. Sad part is in my sitch, it kind of never even really existed (WH has lied about his girlfriend since before M - we were M 23 years at dday). For me, today, it's about if my WH is capable of ever being safe "enough" to stay in the M. So far, the answer has been a resounding NO. I know folks like to go on about LTA vs ONS, etc, but I've been in both and there IS a big difference for me. If he'd had a shorter A, I don't think the concept of honesty and safety would be nearly as difficult. Maybe it's rugsweeping, but I believe I could attribute it more to shitty coping in a bad situation. But carrying on for a decade, or lying for 25+ years, that is something very very different for me when it comes to safety. That's not shitty coping - it's character... a whole different ball game (doesn't help that he was a cheater with others before we met). There's a difference between being able to say "that was the summer my WH went batshit" and saying "that was the DECADE my WH was....[fill in blank]" or that a WH has lied for an entire M. Not in the same ballpark, IMO.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:21 PM, June 17th, 2019 (Monday)]