Don't have an A "season", I have the PA decade and the EA for the rest of our M. There are a few short years early on that he SAYS they weren't in communication. Unfortunately, his girlfriend says they were sleeping together during that window (dating, honeymoon, trying to conceive). Absent a poly, I doubt I'll never know. Tho if we D, I intend to take her deposition. Granted, any cheater is probably fine with lying under oath, but I still like the idea of her conflict avoidant self having to suffer through my lawyer's questions.
Forgive? He has to earn that, and looks like he doesn't have it in him.
Acceptance? I'm working on it. I think it's important to find that place of healing - for me. I subscribe to Janis Spring's concepts of forgiveness (earned) and acceptance (done w/o offending party).
He has blown off most of the "non negotiables" I listed in November to stay in the M (after the suicide), including no more lies & NC (he didn't respond to her, but he didn't tell me when AP#2 reached out to him and then lied to me when caught - said he "forgot" to tell me), a detailed timeline of his interaction with his girlfriend (another reason why the "I forgot" lie about NC was a pretty big setback), and some sort of group therapy (or regular posting on SI).
We are separating. I've asked him to move out. Guess it just took me this long to put my big girl panties on. He's putting his head in the sand - as usual (hasn't said a WORD about any apartment hunting). I didn't expect another round of grief/triggers after this step, yet they have arrived. Our day-to-day has always been good - even after dday. We've always enjoyed each other's company. We laugh a lot together. But I guess the more time goes by w/o any progress on his end, the more I feel the need to distance myself from his brokenness. Still love him. Would be thrilled if there was a way to build a new M. But I cannot do it alone.
So - cheers to the next chapter in this journey.
I am more hung up on the injustice of my suffering at his hand and the hard work it has cost me to rebuild my life, and to have a life with meaning with him, knowing what he is capable of doing, while he and his AP suffered minimally in comparison. I want them to pay but I don't know how. I want to see him struggle as I have, but he is not built that way. So I cycle through my anger and indignation, my worst personality flaws preA, just amplified and focused. Ugh.
Vengeance and anger are issues I will need to continue to work on as I heal. My stalking of the OW is tapering, thank goodness for small blessings. I finally realized she is no longer a factor in my marriage, just the cancer I cut out. I scared her away real good. This is the icky chemo part I guess, to be sure we got it all. Patience for the process and prayers for no reoccurrence.
I have struggled with this too, A LOT (even my own mom used to say I had a "well defined sense of justice" ). It was very hard to get to a place of just accepting that there is NO justice. I suspect I didn't get there until after my WH attempted/committed suicide... realizing that even if he had died it would not provide any sense of "justice" to me or my children. There is no price they can pay. Even if I had an RA I don't think it would hit him with the same kaboom that his LTA hit me (and then there's the whole "I deserve it" pity party they'd have). Best fantasy on this front that I could come up with is to go have sex with someone else, but call him as it begins, so he can spend an entire night imagining what I'm doing with some other guy. Problem is that then just gives ME more cancer on top of the cancer I'm working to cut out. Was nice to think about for a minute, but I would never follow through with it. It's not the person I want to be (and about a year ago, I did find myself alone in a hotel room with another man trying to get into my panties. I could not do it, despite the rage and injustice, it's just not in my character, which I think is a good thing).
And I guess at the end of the day, that sense of "there is no justice" has carried over to my non-A life. I haven't decided if that's helpful/healthy or not, but I just don't see "justice" the same way as I did 18 months ago. I do believe part of this comes from our societal view of adultery.... we just don't (or can't?) seem to care about it, or call it out as the trauma that it really is. I dunno why, but that just seems to be the way it is. So with that in mind, I guess I've become kind of numb to the injustice that occurs every day (I guess yet another "gift" of adultery that keeps on giving). We can learn to live with it, try to change what we can, but when it's all said and done, nothing can really ever restore US. We can punish others, but is that REALLY "justice"? or more like vengeance?
I understand why some BS give up after a long attempt to reconcile. They get used up and give up. My WH doesn't get it, I tried to explain that they care enough to keep trying, but the pain became too much, or they realized their WS was incapable of making them feel safe moving forward.
Personally, it's not been about whether the A is a dealbreaker. It is. My M is O-V-E-R. Sad part is in my sitch, it kind of never even really existed (WH has lied about his girlfriend since before M - we were M 23 years at dday). For me, today, it's about if my WH is capable of ever being safe "enough" to stay in the M. So far, the answer has been a resounding NO. I know folks like to go on about LTA vs ONS, etc, but I've been in both and there IS a big difference for me. If he'd had a shorter A, I don't think the concept of honesty and safety would be nearly as difficult. Maybe it's rugsweeping, but I believe I could attribute it more to shitty coping in a bad situation. But carrying on for a decade, or lying for 25+ years, that is something very very different for me when it comes to safety. That's not shitty coping - it's character... a whole different ball game (doesn't help that he was a cheater with others before we met). There's a difference between being able to say "that was the summer my WH went batshit" and saying "that was the DECADE my WH was....[fill in blank]" or that a WH has lied for an entire M. Not in the same ballpark, IMO.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:21 PM, June 17th, 2019 (Monday)]