“Welcome" to 19. No one wants to be here. But there is help, kindness and common cause in these pages. Please feel free to express your needs. The resources on this page are specifically for people in the unique situation you’ve found yourself in. This information comes from the real-world experiences of spouses of Sex Addicts. We are not professionals and are only sharing what has worked (or hasn’t) in our lives. There are members here who have been dealing with this a long time and know people who have been in active recovery for 10, 15, 20 years. Read other’s stories and share your own.
It is possible to have a viable marriage after exposure. It’s hard work but possible. It’s also possible to have that same kind of happiness and fulfillment if you separate. For some people this is a deal breaker. Both outcomes are okay and a personal decision based on your own circumstances. Take your time to learn as much as possible and explore your options before making a decision – there is no need to rush.
List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA:
This is the advice and list of resources compiled from past and current posters on this thread dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. Educate yourself about SA and codependency. (More on codependency in the second post.) Focusing on yourself and your own recovery will strengthen you to deal with the SA and the impact on your life, whether you choose to stay with your SA or not.
The SA must (generally accepted advice) seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist). The SA must work their recovery on their own. Even if the SA doesn’t get help, the spouse needs to get counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. Be sure that the therapists are CSATs and/or trained in sex addiction and trauma. If you are in a remote area, many CSATs will skype their sessions. Contact some through online searches. Post here if you see someone you like. Maybe you can get recommendations through private messaging.
12 step meetings should be considered mandatory for SAs. They are also highly recommended for spouses. The IRL support of others going through the same process is invaluable. They are also a great resource for finding CSATS to work with. There are other avenues to recovery but 12 step programs are the most accessible and typically recommended. Real recovery work is HARD and isn't an excuse. An addict working the steps is digging deep into their own self.
Podcast Recommendations for partners of SA:
Marnie Breecker really gets it and was a spotlight in the dark for some of our members:
Part 1 (25 min): http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-21-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker/
Part 2 (42 min): http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-22-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker-part-2/
Another good podcast: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/betrayalrecoveryradio
Book recommendations compiled over time and suggested by members:
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. (An essential read regarding trauma of spouses.)
2. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness. (Primer for SA education for both SA and spouse. Great first book.)
3. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness. (Nice explanation of how the process of recovery ideally works with practical advice)
4. Silently Seduced, Kenneth M. Adams, deals with Covert Incest – when parents make their children partners. Excellent insight into childhood issues resulting in SA adult.
4. Facing Heartbreak, by Stefanie Carnes and Anthony Rodriguez. This is a workbook for partners of SAs. (workbook)
5. Intimate Treason, Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction, by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi. (workbook)
6. The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick Carnes. (Very good book for anyone in a dysfunctional relationship.)
7. Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts, by Stefanie Carnes. This could be considered the "bible." It has some info that may not be pertinent to your situation but each chapter is stand alone, so to speak.
8.
Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets, by Claudia Black PhD.
9. Intimacy Anorexia, by Douglas Weiss. (Just the book for both SAs and spouses suffering from Intimacy and Sexual Anorexia.)
10. Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes.
11. The Storm of Sex Addiction by Connie Lofgreen- a newer book but highly recommended by recent members
12. Sex Addiction by Robert Weiss. Is recommended as a book for clinicians but comes highly recommended by a spouse here.
13. Real Hope, True Freedom, by Milton Magness and Marsha, primarily for partners. While there really isn't any "new" information, it is extremely useful, much of the format is Q&A. They cover many of the questions we all have and ask here. Comes strongly recommended.
14. The Body Keeps Score by Dr. Bessel Van Kolk, this details the trauma your body has been through.
15. Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective, by Paula Hall
16. Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal: The Essential Tools for Healing, by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner
17. The Porn Addicts Wife: Surviving Betrayal and Taking Your Life Back, by Sandy Brown
18. After a Good Man Cheats: How to Rebuild Trust and Intimacy with your Wife, by Caroline Madden
19. The Porn Pandemic: A Simple Guide to Understanding and Ending Pornography Addiction- Andrew Ferebee
Online Resources for Spouses/Partners (meetings online or in person):
S-Anon (for the spouses/partners of SAs): http://www.sanon.org
Link for meetings in AUS. http://www.sanon.org/meetings/meetingsaustralia.html
Link for meetings in the UK
http://www.sanon.org/meetings/meetingsuk.html
Link for meetings in the US (by state)
http://www.sanon.org/meetings/meetingsus.html
All other areas
http://www.sanon.org/meetings/meetinglocations.html
SANON isn't for everyone, they aren't perfect, but at least there is the company of others who have BTDT. And they are often an excellent resource for information about CSATs in your area, those who are good, those who accept insurance, etc. 12 step work is just good common sense and a way to interact with people in a healthy way. Especially for spouses.
COSA (spouses/partners/children of SAs) http://www.cosa-recovery.org
It's likely that you will not immediately find a meeting date and location online. You have to make a phone call which will be returned by a volunteer who will provide you with information. This is for security, to weed out crazies who want to come to meetings.
Omar Minwalla's Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) Among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction©. It will come up in a web search. This is also highly recommended.
The websites of Dr. Milton Magness and Marsha Means are very helpful. Dr. Magness has YouTube videos, also. He is very clear on the need to alleviate the trauma of the spouses. Marsha Means has a whole online support program.
Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center - POSARC
www.posarc.com. This site is up to date on new findings, research and current events.
A website with good info on boundaries for dealing with an SA is:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
Finding a Counselor or Therapist:
Look for one that is CSAT certified or specializes in trauma. Recognize that a poor therapist can actually hinder your healing if they do not have these qualifications. (some without may be good for you but many are not and you do not need to add therapy trauma to your issues).
To find a CSAT (Certified Sex Addict Therapist), look for one that specializes in dealing with spouses and trauma. http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists
www.sexhelp.com (Patrick Carnes main site, the founding expert of SA, there are many resources and info on SA)
- APSATS: The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, advocates for the ethical care and relational healing for all those impacted by sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Lists of providers that are CCPS (Certified Clinical Partner Specialists) and CPC (Certified Partner Coaches) who subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction.
Websites/Articles:
Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center - POSARC
www.posarc.com. This site is up to date on new findings, research and current events.
The websites of Dr. Milton Magness and Marsha Means are very helpful. Dr. Magness has YouTube videos, also. He is very clear on the need to alleviate the trauma of the spouses. Marsha Means has a whole online support program.
http://www.recoverynation.com: An online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT and going to SA meetings for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)
Omar Minwalla's Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) Among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addictionhttps://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/thirteen-dimensions-of-sex-addiction-induced-trauma-sait-among-partners-and-spouses-impacted-by-sex-addiction/
12 steps for S-Anon: (COSA is very similar)
1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Humanist version for AA, can be modified for SA:
http://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2009/05/06/12-steps-humanist-version/
Not everyone is a believer in a higher power. This version works for them.
For SAs:
The SA must seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist]
12 step meetings are mandatory for SAs as generally recommended by CSATS.
Online resources for SAs:
Find a CSAT: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists
Sexaholics Anonymous: (Recommended by most CSATS, more stringent definition of healthy sexual behavior) At this site there is information for the SA and spouse that may be helpful. http://www.sa.org/
SAA:
http://saa-recovery.org/
SLAA: http://www.slaafws.org/ (for sex and love addicts)
Recovery Nation is an online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.) http://www.recoverynation.com
http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on the porn aspect of SA.
There is often mental illness associated with SA. Consider that a psychiatric evaluation be a part of the diagnosis, NOT to excuse the behavior but to facilitate recovery. Bipolar disorder and its similar counterpart bipolar 2 often have a hypersexuality component that drive an addiction. This link is a broad overview. It has links for further investigation.
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/hypersex/a/aa_hypersex.htm
We spouses have been betrayed in the worst way possible. Repeatedly. This is TRAUMA. Seek help from an IC who can help with this. (See recommended book, The Body Keeps Score by Dr. Bessel Van Kolk).
Many people will tell you that there is no such thing as sex addiction. They cite the omission of SA in the DSM-4. This is the same publication that claimed autism was caused by the mother being unable to bond with their child. The label serves to direct the TREATMENT, and whether this is a “disease” or compulsivity. If the label enables the extinction of the behavior, go for it. Just don't allow yourself to make excuses for a spouse who is “sick.” No truly recovered addict will ever tell you they don't own the behavior. There is “hope and freedom” from SA. Whether you stay in the relationship or not.
These recommendations lean heavily toward 12 step work because it’s been seen to work. Other paths may have equal success. But 12 steps have the benefit of being free and widely available, if only online or by phone.