This comes from a deeply empathetic place for waywards. I would say that empathy has made it possible for you to reconcile successfully. My husband also has that same feeling of empathy, and struggles with many of the same questions you are asking.
For me, I am familiar with most of the posters here. Any time one is attacking, I can use the same empathy towards them as you are using here for us. They aren't coping well in their situation. They are angry at the world. Often times, they really can't see it can get better.
They do not understand this concept:
Isn’t thinking low of oneself often part of what made them susceptible to decide to engage in an A? Shouldn’t they push back against that narrative whether it’s coming from the BS side or not if they are truly committed to seeing themselves as a person who has internal worth despite their atrocities in the past?
Because their own spouse has not reached redemption. And, 9 times out of 10 it's because their WS was a shitty person and spouse prior to their decisions to cheat.
I also think the Wayward wives are targeted more, but for three specific reasons. One, we post a lot more. I know myself, I can end up being the poster child, just on the fact my posts are everywhere. Two, we are the OW to many of the women. Three, we are the perpetrator to the men.
I think the men are not immune to getting their 2 by 4's by any stretch of the imagination when they post over in wayward, but they are left alone a lot more than the women are. But, there aren't a lot of men who are heavy posters, there is less being put out there to hate them over.
I can’t see how an environment where one is perpetually treated and perceived as the proverbial whipping boy for the actions of all waywards is going to continue to be conducive to waywards becoming, and remaining, healthy and whole persons who value themselves and their spouses.
So, I look at this a bit differently. But, I will admit it has taken a lot to get here, and there are days when I can see why my husband thinks there are some toxic tendencies of the forum. The viciousness really comes from a super small number of BS's. By and large, the BS on this site are awesome and supportive and I would not have gotten to where I am without them encouraging me to shed my shame and to fight for my marriage.
I have worked very hard to become whole again. I have worked on self compassion and self love. I have worked on being a better spouse for my H. So, when you have that you can give it to others, even when they are at their worst. I am not going to say I don't get fed up with it, or I don't have to vent sometimes when I feel like someone is being shitty to me. But, overall, it's a humbling reminder that this is a person in pain. Actions that I took caused that same amount of pain. Having humility isn't a bad thing, I think it's something most of us WS can benefit from. I try and remember that my problems are no more important than their problems.
I think the posts that get me the most is the ones that are blanketly directed about "ALL WS's" those bother me far more than the ones that are more pointedly about me. Probably because I too can look at it as hard for some of the other WS who are desperately struggling. Their pain is valid even if they are the ones who caused it. Those posts can be really triggering because they are so general, and a lot of the things they are saying all WS do, you can pick apart and say "no that one doesn't fit me". But, in many ways, it doesn't really matter in the end.
I guess what I am trying to say when you have both self-esteem and compassion/empathy for others, that sort of stuff starts rolling off your back a little easier.
My H though thinks a lot like you do. He feels that I don't deserve it, and often will speak up when it gets to a level he is uncomfortable with. We are trying to navigate it. I would quit right this minute if he said he wanted me to, and I think that day is coming. But, in other ways resistance builds muscles, right? That resistance may have played it's own part to my healing.