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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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northeasternarea posted 8/1/2019 08:12 AM

TX1995, touching his penis was something I recoiled from for a long time. Still no oral for him; my mind canít get past it. And condoms are a must. And I am so sorry that he lied to you for so long.

cocoplus5nuts posted 8/1/2019 12:09 PM

Tallgirl, you make me laugh.

Having sex after a PA. I cried afterward every time for months during HB. That was before I knew it was a PA, but I was pretty sure it had been.

I don't really remember after he finally admitted to sex. I remember rage. That's all.

I am becoming, too. I think that has more to do with my age and stage of life than my fch or his A. My kids are older. I have more time for myself. I'm having a good time rediscovering myself.

Chaos posted 8/1/2019 12:18 PM

cocoplus5nuts - you bring up a point I forgot.

I cried a lot afterward, alone and in private.

I had afterglow and then aftergrief.

That hasn't subsided. So if the aftergrief will happen anyway the afterglow better damn sure be worth it.

I too am rediscovering myself. I'd done the Mom thing for decades. I'm almost an empty nester with my only one at home an upperclassman in high school. I'm enjoying my time.

I enjoy going on dates with WH [hard to do with kids, carpools, responsibilities]. I also enjoy going out with girlfriends. And I really enjoy taking myself on dates to lunch or for coffee or shopping.

WH sees this. He asked recently if it was the result of his A. I thought long and hard about that. And I told him that most of it was not. Most of it was a natural progression of life - kids moving on with their lives thus I had the time to move on with mine. My life is now getting more exciting because I don't have to neglect responsibility to have said excitement. I am learning new things because I have the time. I am cultivating new friendships because I have the time. I'm taking time for me because I have it. I've always put my family first. I still do. But they are evolving and so am I. He can join me for the ride or not.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 8/1/2019 14:23 PM

Having a particularly hard day today.

I'm back to work at one of my independent contractor jobs that comes back around every summer. Our 3 year anniversary just passed, and thank god I didn't have to be at work that day, as XH used it as an opportunity to ask me to agree to file for an annulment rather than a divorce, essentially invalidating any relationship we had as if it was nothing.

I was at this same job last summer when we were trying to get pregnant. Every bathroom in this building now reminds me of peeing on ovulation sticks every 4-6 hours. How excited I would get when it would turn that undeniable positive! I would text XH a pic and say, it's on tonight! He would check in on me to see what time I was off of work, and he would say things like "come home baby maker!"

My boss was pregnant last year at this time, and the main focus of all conversation at work was her and the baby. Every client meeting, every lunch hour, every break. And every month when my tests would come back negative I would cry and ask the universe what the hell is wrong with me? But I would have my day or 2 of grief, and then start back up again, peeing on the sticks, temping etc. So hopeful.

I was also at this job when XH bought me the Best Wife Ever t-shirts that he vehemently denied buying when I screamed about them on DDay. I remember showing pictures of them to my coworkers, and for the first time in my life I didn't feel like the lame girl bragging about her SO. I felt so secure and happy that I was excited to show them off and talk about how sweet my husband was.

Then the end of September, XH tells me he doesn't want to have anymore kids. After all that work, years saving up for his vasectomy reversal, years of talking about our future with children, hopefully at least one son, a little mini-me for him that he had been so looking forward to. We had a gender neutral name picked out since about year 3 or 4. We had talked about where we would live, making sure we were in a good school district. I can't even count how many times he had said something to the effect of, "I can't wait to have a baby with you! It's going to be so different raising a child with someone like you. You're such a good mother already, I can't wait to watch you with our own kids." How could he just up and change his mind like that?

Then came November, DDay. It all makes sense now. But at the same time, nothing makes sense anymore. I finished up the jobs I absolutely had to, then took 2 whole months off. Getting out of bed was an achievement.

I'm a lot better now. I have therapy to thank for that. I'm back at work, I'm setting better boundaries with work so that I'm not completely exhausted all of the time.

But I'm realizing more and more that since my career developed and built right alongside my relationship with my XH, I'm really not sure if I'm going to be able to keep at it anymore. Every time we start a new job in a new venue, there's a whole new batch of triggers. I try to identify what they are going to be before we start the new gig, to try to anticipate it and ward it off. But they come on just the same.

I feel like such a fool now. While all of my coworkers are busy going about their days, I am tearing up regularly. I am using my lunch break to write here, because I cannot relate to anyone else around me. I feel weak, broken, incapable. Not words I ever thought I would use to describe myself.

Lo and behold, my boss is pregnant again now, 2 months along, completely by accident, again. She didn't even have to try. It's all she talks about, again. And while I am supportive, and happy for her, and I listen to all of the discussion over how much bigger her belly is this time around, how this time feels different, how she can't wait to find out the gender etc. etc., this time around I am morose in a completely different way than last time.

Last summer I was trying. Every month I got to try again. Now I am childless and abandoned. My step children were ripped from me. I've been denied any contact with the younger one, and the older I get to see every once in a while, but she is busy being a 20-something with a boyfriend and not wanting to hang out with her step mom. I had anticipated the empty-nesting aspect due to older step D's age, but to have that happen alongside relationship abandonment as well as having younger step D ripped from my life, I am reeling.

Children of my own aren't even on the horizon. Neither is a relationship. And while I know the main focus for a BS after infidelity is to try to focus on yourself and what you want, what I want is inextricably linked to relationships. I have the utmost respect for single parents. But I absolutely do not want to intentionally become one. I always wanted to do this as a co-captain of a team, not as a solo leader who is just barely making ends meet. I won't get approved for adoption, and I don't have the money for artificial insemination. And even if I did, I don't have the money to support myself through a maternity leave, nor can I afford child care if I were to go back to work immediately.

I've been disenchanted with this job for years. And had for a long time been researching and building plans for a job that allowed me to work from home so that I could be there with my young children. XH was on board with this too, and was one of the people helping me make these plans. But that type of work was dependent on a dual income. There's no way I could afford to do that now. So now I'm stuck in my job that I had been planning to drop, just because I need the money to survive. And after working 60 hour weeks, I don't have the energy to do anything but hang out with my cats, veg out to some TV, lurk on SI, and sleep.

IC has given me homework this week. I am supposed to write out the things I want in my life, and the corresponding behaviors/activities that I took on, often in response to my XH's inability to regulate his own emotions, that prevented me from having those things. The goal is to create a working list of my own behaviors and reactions, so we can know what my knee-jerk reaction is, and then work to reprogram so that I avoid those pitfalls in the future with other relationships. Knowing that the only person I can control is myself, so I need to get better at accepting poor behavior for what it is and moving on from the relationship, rather than trying to make it work.

Keeping up with weekly therapy has been my number one goal in self care, and I have managed that, even though it feels incredibly indulgent. I rearrange my work schedule around it, and everyone knows not to even ask me to miss it. IC and I have been discussing the need to focus on myself, what I want and need. But I find it so very difficult to "focus on myself" when the one thing I want for myself I can't have. All the self care in the world isn't healing this wound.

I know it's a good thing we didn't have kids together, especially after everything I learned post DDay about his sustained meth use and all sorts of other problematic behaviors. But even though I know it is the best thing intellectually, I'm still feeling so lost and sad. So I post here, because you're the only ones who will get it. '

ETA: No intention of this being a threadjack. I started out with just a few lines, but as usual, I don't seem to know how to write anything unless it's a multi-paragraph thesis.

I hope everyone else is doing well!

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 2:37 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 8/1/2019 19:32 PM

((Hugs)), HHADL.

You will get through this. You will find yourself again. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. You can't really take care of anyone or anything else until you take care of yourself. That's not indulgence. It's what everyone needs.

Tallgirl posted 8/2/2019 06:00 AM


Hey honey we all have low days. Do not apologize for that.. It comes with infidelity.

I am sorry you are having such a difficult go. You really have been through a rough time. I think you are very smart to continue IC and work on yourself. If you are not healthy, you will never be happy, so good for you.

While it is not easy, self reflection is a really important part of recovery. You are doing a lot of that.

I hope you have a better day today. Hugs.

Chaos posted 8/2/2019 07:25 AM

Hugs HeHadADoubleLife

Don't apologize for throwing it all out there. That's what we are all here for. You got it off your chest and out of your system. Good for you.

I want to hear 3 kind things you are doing for yourself today. 3. Can be more. Must be no less than 3. They can be simple things [savoring a nice cup of coffee, getting your favorite snack, a few minutes sitting in the sun] or they can be more indulgent [mani/pedi, massage]. But 3 things. Just for YOU.

One thing I learned on my journey - Self Care is NOT Selfish.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 8/2/2019 12:09 PM

Thanks for the support ladies.

I'm such an introvert, that self care often just looks like watching a new TV show that someone has recommended while hanging out with my cats.

I swear, it's like my XH's cat knows that he was a douche, because he is extra attentive and loving nowadays. Never in my life have I seen any cat be this affectionate. He can't stop rubbing his little face and body on me, wants to be right up next to me when I'm in bed, and even if I turn over he lays down and pushes himself right up against my back.

Today I am going to:
1. Eat lunch by myself so I don't have to hear all the baby talk. Side benefit, I'll eat outside so I can be in the sun.
2. Take a shower - I know that is super basic, but considering how scarred I am by showers due to finding my underwear shoved in the corners etc., even taking one is an accomplishment
3. Order dinner in so I don't have to cook

TX1995 posted 8/3/2019 09:55 AM

Chaos - I like your all about e attitude. You deserve to have that after doing the think about others thing for so long. Perhaps thatís what I will have to do as well. (If I ever let him get near me again.) I am trying to focus on myself mire in general. Starting to take some classes, so more hobbies, etc. funny though, my WH said he told himself we were great roommates pre-A. Well, thatís what he HAS now. Roommate with no benefits. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

NEA - Thanks. The lying is the killer I think. I just donít trust him or myself anymore. Itís got me stuck. And Iím guessing the only way weíll know if it can get better is time.

Coco - I can identify with that grief afterwards. Itís kind of nice to have just a moment where you forget and then BAM. Reality hits you in the face. (And makes you want to hit WH.)

((HHADL)) Iím so sorry you are having a hard period. Those triggers by association are so difficult. Iím glad you found three things. I hope this day is better..

cocoplus5nuts posted 8/3/2019 13:47 PM

HHADL, those sound like 3 wonderful things to do for yourself. I'm an introvert, too. I prefer to sit by myself and knit or crochet in quiet.

Showers can be hard. The other day I told my 15yo son I had a lot to do. He asked what. I said, "First, I have to take a shower." He laughed at that, saying that showers are usually things people enjoy after a long day or something, while I made it sound like a chore. Well, showering does feel like a chore to me most of the time.

My adult son posted a meme on Facebook that said something like, "May you attract someone who speaks your language so you don't have to spend a lifetime explaining your soul." That's how I feel about my fch. He accepts me for the nonconformist hippie (sans drugs) that I am, but he doesn't get me. I have to explain why things matter to me, or why I like something or someone. It's nice to be accepted. It would be so much nicer to be understood.

gmc94 posted 8/3/2019 20:49 PM

It's nice to be accepted. It would be so much nicer to be understood.
Ain't that the truth, sister.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 8/5/2019 21:27 PM

Showers can be hard. The other day I told my 15yo son I had a lot to do. He asked what. I said, "First, I have to take a shower." He laughed at that, saying that showers are usually things people enjoy after a long day or something, while I made it sound like a chore. Well, showering does feel like a chore to me most of the time.
My thoughts exactly! I can enjoy it once I get in there, and I'm always happy after I'm done, but it's getting myself to actually do it that's hard.

I think partially because I have hair to my waist that requires a lot of detangling if I actually want to be able to get it clean. Too bad I hate the way I look with short hair

cocoplus5nuts posted 8/6/2019 07:51 AM

I think my hair is the issue, too, and all the shaving. I've stopped washing my hair and shaving anything other than my pits every time I shower. It's a lot easier when I put my hair up, jump in, run soap over my body, and jump out. My fch takes longer showers than I do now.

On a more serious note, normal, every day tasks becoming so difficult to do is a symptom of depression. If this and your other issues have been going on for more than 2 weeks, you should probably talk to your doctor.

Where is SisterMilkshake?

Tallgirl posted 8/6/2019 19:23 PM

I am a bear tonight, no posting. I just spilled red wine on my carpet, after cooking and a 12 hour work day that isn't done.

I scared my son.

I need a holiday.

Or I will kill someone.

I think I have just maxed myself out.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:23 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Chaos posted 8/7/2019 08:05 AM

Tallgirl - hold the phone. You spilled wine. That's a waste of damn good wine. You are obviously overloaded.

Forget killing somebody - you murdered a glass of wine. You are on overload. STOP.

Few things.

First and Foremost - get yourself another glass of wine ASAP. Drink it. Pour another [open another damn bottle if you have to]. Drink that too. Albeit a bit more slowly than glass one.

Pour seltzer on the carpet stain and put a towel over that. You can always scrub it later.

Take a Holiday. Even if it is a staycation of sorts. Take a day to have a date with yourself. Go to your favorite places, eat your favorite foods, read your favorite book/magazine. Everything else can wait.

And for goodness sake - please...stop being so mean to the wine

If you need help - I promise to help you. In fact we should all have a glass in solidarity. We shall raise our glasses [no judgement on what size they may be] and toast you.


Tallgirl posted 8/7/2019 21:24 PM

Spilling a desperately needed glass of wine was more than I could handle.

Ok as I have no social life, shall we arrange to sip or guzzle, A large wine or a treat drink of our choice on Friday night say 8 pm. We can post our toasts here. Bottoms up = oh yah.

Today my boss complained about hot flashes sucking. First time. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Hope I have a job tomorrow.

I submitted 4 business cases today, completed an innovation ideation outline and had tooooooo many meetings. Occasionally I kick ass. Oh and I told several people to go away nicely.

I just have to do that in other aspects of my life.

Chaos posted 8/8/2019 12:08 PM

Friday night at 8. Got it.

No judgement [as long as no driving] on size of glass or sip vs guzzle.

gmc94 posted 8/8/2019 16:19 PM

Well frack. It's hot here. I get googoo eyed over nice reds, not so much the whites.
So, super pressing questions come to mind:

1. Is a margarita substitute ok?
2. What about martinis? It's been AGES since I had a nice one. And I do have a bottle of a small batch distillery's gin with a hint of a pepper in the botanical mix. Now that DD is on the wagon and my booze is locked up, maybe THAT'S the splurge when she's at work on Friday?
3. A DO have a nice sparkling Rose leftover from New Years Eve - which DOES need to be drank soon. Maybe that will work.
4. Shall I get a pedicure beforehand? I really need one and think I'll feel super awesome if me toes are sparkly for the "toast"
5. Attire... hmmm. This could be tough. In honor of Chaos, I promise to find my FANCIEST pair of knickers. Even if the rest of me is a bathrobe and flip flops (with a new pedicure, mind you).
6. Face. I think I'll opt for au naturale here. Lipgloss only. Because I'm flipping awesome and beautiful without that shit. Wrinkles, pores, saggy boobs and all.
7. Chow. Is this a baked brie kind of thing? Or will pork rinds dipped directly into the container of sour cream suffice?

Thanks for a moment of fun, ladies. Until Friday, cheers!

Tallgirl posted 8/8/2019 19:54 PM

Well now, I feel like I should dress up tomorrow.

I have been going make-up-less for days (too busy), but tomorrow night, is the night for mascara.

Food - brie is yummy but doesn't like me as much as I like it... maybe I put the calories into a second glass!!!

My mouth is watering thinking about margarita's - what does that say about me? (GET A DAMN MARGARITA!!) And martini's - oh my - I haven't seen one in a long time. I have some really yummy gin - G&T is lovely!

Knickers - I'm wearing my granny panties (not kidding - they could also be used as a parachute). Wait --- do men read this thread? yes? BIG ASSED FLOWERED GRANNY PANTIES -

I may do a warmup pre 8pm with the Fitness Marshall - Look him up. He will help you limber up for the toast - don't want to strain a muscle as I guzz...sip my drink.

My 20 yr old son loves drinking. Oinker. I will have to hide my drink or I will have to share.

So, ladies, panties, makeup, fancy dress and bottoms up... tomorrow 8pm

TX1995 posted 8/8/2019 21:02 PM

Ah ladies, after my day, week and entire summer, I'm in for an 8 o clock toast tomorrow. WH is out of town on business and I haven't hit the Hendrick's in a while. I'm partial to a gin, soda, mint, cucumber and basil cocktail this summer. Light and refreshing. Especially since I've been drinking a ton of IPAs lately and need a break! (Plus mint and basil are the only things not dead yet from neglect in my garden - it was looking amazing until my stupid husband told me he slept with the cOWhore.) I've been snacking on this smoked gouda spread from Murray's cheese shop - it's ridiculously bad for you, but at this point, I don't care!

I've been in a crap place the past week. It was my birthday on Monday and I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone. I even ignored my mom's call. Birthdays are triggers for me now and after spending 39 years celebrating the two weeks before and after my bday, I hate that I now want to skip it. I just read the Elizabeth Smart biography, and in it, she said that her mom told her 9 months of her life had been stolen, and he (her kidnapper) shouldn't be allowed to steal one more day. She said she hasn't been to therapy, but has taken that to heart. I wish I was able to live in the present like that. Instead I just ruminate and trigger and want to throw something at my WH. Then I cry and feel disconnected from myself, my kids, my life and the world. Infidelity sucks.

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