I have not yet come through this thread but I have clearly missed some very helpful and relatable posts.
My WS was also pinned as ASD after dday. That diagnosis came after several months of observation by MC/IC and individual meetings with us both.
I will never forget sobbing to IC that I didn't get it because he had done this or that or another thing, things that were SO KIND that served him in no way, so it couldn't be NPD or other personality disorder, and yet, he betrayed me with dozens of women. It was just a few sessions after that when she sat us down and discussed ASD.
I read an article sometime later about ASD partners (it was called something like "When Narcissism Just Doesn’t Explain Your Partner’s Inability to Empathize") and it made so much sense. I'd highly recommend it to all of you ASD BSs.
Regarding therapy for adult-diagnosed men, IC/MC says that they CAN and DO develop more appropriate social skills (this really is an understatement for their deficits) and coping mechanisms.
Unfortunately for us, it is slow, slow progress. And there are many things that will never really change. One example in my marriage is his ability to say the most astoundingly hurtful, but often truthful, things. Several months ago, he made the observation that my breasts "sag." My God, how that stung after being betrayed! Was it true? Yes. I am not a spring chicken and I breastfed my children. Because it is true, he just doesn't understand why it hurts so much.
I have gone round and round with how infidelity and ASD person's alleged "loyalty to a fault" fit together. I have come to the conclusion that my WS WAS loyal, according to his definition. He has never "loved" another woman, and I doubt he ever would, even if I left. He just did not equate loyalty with sex. Yes, in some way, he understood that it was wrong. But his conception of the wrongness of it was because "the rules" said so. Not because it conflicted with his love. It didn't.
In a convoluted way, cheating sort of even comported with his loyalty to me. I was a very busy woman in college, then with babies, then work, then grad school. He "loved" me dearly. He did not want to be selfish with me. So it made twisted "sense" to him to go be a selfish pig elsewhere. Sex with me was giving, loving, generous. It was not quick, cheap, hit it and quit it. So he got his selfish quickies elsewhere instead of "bothering" me with them. And, if he had to break the rules to do that, no big deal, he was doing me a favor, and what you don't know, doesn't hurt, right?
Sex was also a coping mechanism, perhaps for chronic under/over stimulation, for my WS. This is not atypical for those on ASD. I've read a good bit since his diagnosis, and it appears that "deviance" of various types, including sex, is in the realm of "normal" for those on the spectrum, despite the consequences, as a coping mechanism. It is not uncommon for those on the spectrum to end up turning to drugs, petty crime, etc.
It may have also been my WS's special interest. Persons on the spectrum can have any number of odd special interests. I read of one man who was obsessed with trains to the point that he repeatedly violated major laws to get near them. If I recall correctly, he eventually hijacked a train. I've read case studies where people can also become objects of their special interests, so why not sex?
Peace to all of us.