I don't want to be Mommy. I want a husband, not another kid.
IM, Shocked, All: count me in, too; I joined the Instant Mommy Club the day after our wedding, I do believe.
At the time, I blamed it on his actual mother and father, who insisted on rooming with us for a month after the wedding, insisted on spending 24 hours a day in our company or sleeping in our house, except for the actual night of the wedding, thanks Mom & Dad. Two weeks after the wedding, when we all went on a "honeymoon" trip across country, we checked into adjoining motel rooms, and his mother told me to keep the connecting door open, "so I can check on you two..." Hahahaha....YUCK!! That really made my stomach crawl, but my new hubby thought nothing of it. WTF?! I asked him if he didn't think that was some kind of sick joke? Nope, he thought she was just trying to be "cute."
By the time they left, six weeks after the wedding, I thought perhaps his whole subconscious Mommy had gotten permanently imprinted on his brain, because he started to change, right before my eyes, acting like he was his "Dad" or alternately like he was back home with them, and I was the Mom. It was weird, but I didn't understand....
Until after D-Day in October 2002, when I quizzed him for any memory of Childhood Sex Abuse (as 81% of sex addicts have reported CSA), I discovered that his mother had committed actual physical or emotional incest with him from his youngest days, right through high school. Also his grandfather. A messed up family, for sure. He left home as soon as he was eligible to join the service at 18, to get away from that environment. Of course, he never admitted that was one of the reasons; he left for more "opportunity." But I put it together that, by leaving when he did, he never had a "family" environment "at home," again, until they showed up for our wedding! All the years before we got together, he was a traveling man who visited prostitutes "from time to time." No living with a girlfriend, during those 18 years as a solo guy.
I also put this together, using Classical Conditioning theories (and not explaining them very well, apologies in advance to you who are better trained!):
Where do married couples usually share our sexual selves?
In "The Home."
"The Home" is also where "Mommy" was, when they were a child. So all men have to work through that paired association.
But in my SAWH's case, "Mommy" sexually exploited and abused him - in "The Home." Double whammy. Researchers have found that if Sexual Abuse occurred, it generally happened in "The Home." Incest perpetrators are most often close family members, by definition, not strangers. So I think this is how "The Home" could become paired with aversive memories of Sexual Abuse.
So IF sex with "Us" ("Not Mommy") has unfortunately become associated with "The Home" (now the conditioned stimulus), then when they walk into "The Home," and see "Us," their unconscious incest history may trigger a sort of parellel reaction to "Us" as if towards "Mommy Dearest," through a process called "Higher Order Conditioning"
It's probably harder yet for them to keep the focus on "Us" if we are ourselves Mothers (I had no children, and this still happened.) One example: not long after his parents went back home to their country, I suggested a sexy shower together, and he freaked out, looked so shocked and said "WE DON'T DO THAT!!!" WTF, again!? Well, it turned out his mother used to come into the bathroom and help him "clean his penis" (she said) while he took a bath - at age 5!!! So I think my SAWH had a lot of "ghosts" to put out of his mind....and I guess we got off to a bad start, as we had not lived together prior to getting married and having them within earshot...
I am not trying in any way to excuse this sick behavior, I'm just trying to shed whatever light I can for someone else, based on some of the crap I had to wade through after my marriage blew up!
Of course, this Mommy/Sexy woman split could be caused by a lot of things, maybe Borderline Personality Disorder, or something, but it seems to be a common theme with these men. Also, Google the term Covert Incest.