rebplay, thanks for saying you can see the Asperger's element in my WH's behaviors, after I tried hard to find a real-life example of the kind of behaviors that hinder our "peaceful co-existence." (I don't consider us in R.)
Of course, the other half of that problem is me; I don't think I am a good "fit" for a man who always thinks his approach is "better than" whatever I might really want from him. I am not a "whatever" kinda person. He knows that about me. It would be easier if I truly were indifferent. With people who do not have a clue, he is in his element. They trust him to fix their one-of-a-kind cars, and he never lets them down, even if he has to make a replacement part for a car that was built in 1913. I hand him an empty plastic jug out of the recycle bin, after I size a hole for my brush, and I get my applicator brush back smaller, for the sake of a throw-away jug? I must be too difficult a "customer" for this guy!
I do give him positive reinforcement anyway, but I expect him to consider I usually have reasons for what I ask for. It amazes me how he always presumes I've screwed something up, and that whatever I express concern about, is frivolous.
It all goes back to R.E.S.P.E.C.T. It pains this man to respect any request made by someone he sees as "less than." And he has that going on with me, for whatever reason.
As newlyweds, our first disagreement was when I asked for help digging out a (smallish) tree root for a new garden I wanted to put in. I thought my manly hubby would be so happy to show me his physical strength, like many men would, right? But no! He seemed really annoyed to help me, even though he is a big, strong guy. "What's up with that?" I asked him. He said "Oh, this is just like my mother back home, she always asked me to do garden work!" He was annoyed! I had triggered his anger against that Mum of his.
So perhaps there is a clue as to where his quirky unwillingness to "go with the flow" might have come from....and could even be why he doesn't mind if I do get annoyed.
burn, I found it interesting how you, too, didn't notice your WH's lack of insight and ability to consider outcomes, until after D-Day. I look back over the years when I thought we were good, and wonder how I missed this about my WH, too. Today, my WH readily admits he has a blind spot in the planning and anticipating department.
For years, he wasn't sure where he wanted to live, he seemed to have no long-term goals, and was content to live week-to-week with his job and our relationship. In hindsight, that seems like a red flag I missed. I think I was in a similar place when we met, like we all can be when single, and so I told myself it was something that would resolve.
I am sorry that you always tended to blame yourself for his reactions! I think it is understandable that we want things to be good, and if we think the problem is "us," well, we can change that, but if "they" are the cause of our problems, we are helpless to change it. And that is scary.
Have you gotten any explanation(s) from him about his deliberate lie? Believe it or not, my WH used to think that a lie was only a spoken untruth; he apparently didn't "get" that there are very damaging lies of omission. So his choosing not to tell me a material fact wasn't what he considered a "lie." That concrete thinking of a young child, again. 🙁
Hope all are doing better! Hi, kaygem!