It's almost four years later and I think I would feel different if it had been a traditional affair--I can understand love and attraction; I can understand human connection; to be sure that would have been extremely hurtful but maybe forgivable.
I have no idea if my input it wanted in this thread, but, I'll give you some insight into how I look at this and, having plenty of male friends who take part in this "service" what it looks like from the other side.
First to the quote above. I know you read about those kinds of affairs here. And I know that they do occur. But in all of the affairs except my WW's that I know about personally, the best analogy is a massage parlor without paying (and often without condoms). Love's got nothing to do with it. Yes, I think men often lie and claim they were in love because women understand that and can relate. But, it's just not a part of some, IMHO, most male affairs. It's sex, in the case of a "typical" A, it's "sex for free" or "sex for words", in the case of prostitutes and/or massage parlors, it's sex for cash. It's really not that different, there's no desire for human connection in these affairs. I can't count the number of times I've heard an AP's sexual skills bandied about over drinks, but I've literally NEVER heard the word "love" or even "give a shit about" used when discussing an AP. I follow this thread with some interest because, one of the questions I always think when I read it is "aren't all male affairs EI's"? Now, I know it's not "all" and maybe not even "most", but it's a lot of them. So much of it comes down to "did you get it for free or did you pay".
In a lot of ways, I see "getting it for free" as a lot worse. You're "stealing" with words, just like a slick salesman does. Yes, if you meet that mythical woman who's just DTF and that's all she wants, maybe it's mutually beneficial, but, if you read the WW stories, a lot of them have some/significant element of "paying for it" with sex. It's not much of a leap from "paying with words" to "paying with sex".
As far as the "gross" factor, well, I can't say I disagree with you. It's kind of nasty. It's a bad job, I wouldn't want it for my daughter, but, honestly, it's a LONG list of "bad jobs" that I wouldn't want her to do/have to do. Sex work is rather high on that list, but it's not at all the top of the list. The funny analogy I thought of is a proctologist, sticking his finger up men's butts all day. No, not for pleasure, and better paid and more respected position, but.. If you gave me the choice of masturbating women to orgasm or sticking my finger up their butts, well.. I'm going with "rather work in a massage parlor".
The final thing I'll say, in some circles, this is totally normal/accepted behavior (NOT good/correct or acceptable behavior, but common). If you travel to Asia, it's a common thing for men to do after dinner/drinks. I know, that doesn't make it any better, I guess the only reason I say that is because what your H did doesn't mean "he's sick", it means "he can't keep his word". I hate it when people turn this into a discussion about SA or some other "disease".. It's not, it's just the "common bullshit" syndrome that seems to afflict about every AP that has ever existed. In most of these situations, I think to myself that the real probably isn't that "he paid for sex", lots of men do that, one way or the other, throughout their lives. The real problem is the same as any other A, he's a liar and a cheat. I suppose one complication in an EA, it's so available, so, in some ways, it's more like a female A; my WW could have a line of guys around the block for sex with a post on the Internet, just like your H could have a line of girls around the block if he had the cash to pay them all. And that's scary as hell, I get it, and I sympathize with it. But don't let him spin this into "I'm sick", no.. You're just an asshole that can't keep his word. Pretty much like every other AP that's ever existed.