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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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Superesse posted 8/22/2019 14:03 PM

Echo, glad to know you are moving ahead. It is best not to get caught in the mind traps you will be put through, that precious mental and emotional energy we waste asking "WTF, why keep lying?" I spent oh, 5 years AFTER D-Day 1, getting lied to. I just told my story again over on the other ICR forum that deals with this kind of betrayal. If you can stand reading it, you will see what life is like for most of us who stay. Bless you, and keep posting!

outofsorts posted 8/22/2019 14:56 PM

Hi Echo,

I unfortunately don't have any helpful advise I just want you to know that you have been heard and I am so sorry that you are going through this. My dday was about 2 months after yours but our stories are very similar and I know how much this sucks. I also have no idea what to do and don't know how to trust myself or to decide.

DevastatedDee posted 8/22/2019 16:49 PM

Echo, you are doing great. Seriously. And I don't know why they must lie, but they do. My signature line about what my XWH did is likely a load of horseshit. That's what I could find out on my own. If it were truth, it would very likely be years worth of cheating. I don't know and I never will know. I do know that what I know he did was sufficient to trash our marriage and wreck me.

I lost love for my WH when I started to really see him for who he is instead of who he had been presenting himself as for years. The man I loved didn't actually exist. I had to mourn and bury that guy and leave the real man behind.

LongSigh posted 8/25/2019 00:40 AM

Hi all,

Itís been awhile since I posted here, but since this is my original tribe, and where I belong, I wanted to do an update.

I wonít go back into all my WHís bullshit, if youíre wondering you can find it in the threads Iíve posted. Suffice it to say it was bad, horribly, terrible bad. So much so for awhile I wondered if Iíd married an undercover sociopath.

2.5 yrs out were still trucking. Not doing great but not doing bad either. Heís had a few near misses and has seriously pissed me off a few times but no more cheating...yet. Anyone else feel like they live under an anvil? Anyways, heís still supposedly walking the walk and I havenít found any evidence to contradict him. So, on we go.

Now, the fun part, an update on me.
I was in school when d-day hit, and through the almost year of trickle truth. It was all I could do not to quit and maintain my grades. Well, I did graduate, with a perfect academic record. I pitched the no hitter, academically. All Aís, start to finish. Iím so proud of myself. You guys will understand how big that is. My world collapsed m, I didn't even know how I was going to face each day and I still managed to get my work done and to do it well.

Got recruited for a fantastic job before I even graduated. I love my job and the benefits are amazing. For as long as I work there my tuition for subsequent degrees is steeply discounted. So..... I decided to keep going. I have two more years for the doctorate. 🤞🏻

Life is looking up. I have more good days than bad, although the bad are still there too. Sometimes I just get in this deep funk at all that was taken from my marriage, and from me. My worldview is profoundly shifted, and it really wasnít for the better. But it is what it is I guess.

Overall, I know Iíll be okay. My marriage may fail one day but Iíll be okay if it does.

outofsorts posted 8/25/2019 20:48 PM


I was in school when d-day hit, and through the almost year of trickle truth. It was all I could do not to quit and maintain my grades. Well, I did graduate, with a perfect academic record. I pitched the no hitter, academically. All Aís, start to finish.

That is amazing!!!! Congratulations you should be really proud of yourself!

Perdita1 posted 8/26/2019 07:42 AM

LongSigh congratulations! Absolutely wonderful news about the degree and the job. I am so happy for you.

Itís been a while since Iíve been on here and Iím truly sorry for all of us who are going through so much pain. About 18 months out from d-day for me and Iím struggling in a low-level kind of way. The strange thing is that, over the past few months, I feel that I just donít want him anymore. I can manage (as long as the kids let me sleep!). Itíll be a strange, lonely life, and it will hurt seeing happy couples around me, and everyone around me will have their own lives to go back to and Iíll be stuck with no adult to talk to, but I think I could do it.

Did / does anyone else feel like that? I have no respect left for him. I donít love him. Is there any coming back from feeling like this, or is this finally it?

paripassu posted 8/26/2019 10:17 AM

I am still struggling. Husband is in recovery. He is taking mmpi this week to finally diagnose compulsive behavior and create a treatment plan with his shrink and start IC as well as marriage counseling.

I am on a sedative to handle the mind movies which intensify when i have to travel for work like right now.

Today's fixation for myself while on my flights..why didn't he do the compulsive sex with me? I am not one of those i have a headache wives. I am up for it pretty much any time. In fact when we were first dating he was compulsive with me. Anywhere all the time. I didn't recognize it as a sickness outpouring from anxiety then. As he fell in love with me he stopped acting out compulsively with me and secretly increased the acting out with sex workers and random women online. If it is about compulsion why couldn't he just be compulsive with me??

Anniek posted 8/26/2019 10:56 AM

Hi ladies, I'm new to this forum and hope it is okay of me to post here. I have been reading on SI and posting infrequently for about 6 months now. I will spare you all the details of my saga. My full story is in my profile, but I will give a brief overview. My husband of 22 years, cheated with prostitutes and visited massage parlors for the first 20 years of our marriage. Although he has been in treatment and not acted out in several years, I am still struggling. I'm in limbo regarding reconciliation. I see the changes in him, but some days it's just not enough. I have no one to talk with about this other then my therapist and one trusted friend, so I'm hoping this group may be a support system for me.

Paripassu, I too struggle with why my husband couldn't meet his compulsive needs with me. I feel as if I was in a competition with the prostitutes, and I lost. It is painful and humiliating. Our MC believes my husband suffered from a Madonna/whore complex, which while explaining the behavior, doesn't make me feel any better. I wish I could say something to help, but just know that I understand. Hugs to you!

DevastatedDee posted 8/26/2019 12:20 PM

If it is about compulsion why couldn't he just be compulsive with me??

Because for some damned reason that makes NO fucking sense they start seeing us as their mothers. My XWH could not have possibly married a woman more down for sex at any time than me and yet...prostitutes. I wasn't the least bit prudish either. I never could get an answer for "What in the hell could they possibly do with you that I wouldn't have??". He was quite vanilla with me even when the sex was frequent. I was the one pushing the envelope most of the time.

My XWH even said to me during his cheating time "You're like my mom. You'll always be there for me." I mean, clearly he didn't know me, lol, but I found that to be a weird statement at the time. I remember saying "I adore your mom, but that's not the sexiest thing to say to your wife.". That comment stuck in my head even though I had no idea what was going on. Part of me knew that a comment like that was big trouble.

DevastatedDee posted 8/26/2019 12:21 PM

Did / does anyone else feel like that? I have no respect left for him. I donít love him. Is there any coming back from feeling like this, or is this finally it?

Me, and I doubt I ever would have come back from that. I think it would have been a dealbreaker for me in any scenario.

Maybehurtforever posted 9/1/2019 18:37 PM

Ew. They think we are like their mothers? I didnít see this before you pointed it out but that is kind of true for me I think. We take care of them the way their mothers did. Thatís why they are so desperate after they are caught. It is like their mommy leaving them. Huh, that is something to think about.

LongSigh posted 9/3/2019 00:24 AM


Yeah, I went through that too. I donít remember when it started. I had this insane HB period and one day I realized it had flipped. I suddenly wasnít attracted to him anymore, emotionally, mentally, or physically. My husband was insanely attractive to me, especially mentally. The stranger I ended up with.... not so much.

I think itís caused by the damaged connection. I can feel ours fray a little more each day. In my case, itís cause Iím waiting for the full truth. Heís worthy enough for me to give him a chance. My husband has this deep fear of absolute honesty (foo I think) and is always trying to mitigate damage and manage my perception. Nothing short of baring his soul will save our marriage. Heíd probably claim that he has, but my soul recognizes that his is still clouded by deception. So Iím waiting it out. Iím waiting until our connection withers to nothingness before I leave. I want to give him every opportunity so Iím just waiting until thereís nothing left. Heís running out of time though, I will say that. As I get stronger, i see him differently.

Anyways, itís all about the connection you feel to your betrayer. The reason some people say itís the best thing that ever happened to their marriage (gag) is because the crisis of it actually brought them closer. Itís so rare though, for a wayward to have that kind of courage, and for both partners to be the types who can weather it and find unity or strength from the adversity. The rest of us just kind of have to deal until we settle for a new and less secure normal, or one day just realize it was a deal breaker.

Waywards by definition donít typically have the strength of character, courage, and foresight needed to see and follow the better path. Typically, they react to life instead of living it. Lying, gaslighting, hiding, cheating, etc... theyíre all reactions. I donít know about you but for me itís so hard to find respect for a man whoís pulled willy nilly by impulses, temptations, emotions, etc. Itís like being married to a teenager. Kinda hard to maintain a connection with someone like that.

So this long post basically to say, something is still holding you back from connecting to him again. Pain from the betrayal, fear heís still hiding shit, disgust in his weakness, or maybe a loss of mental attraction? It could be one, several, or all of those factors.


outofsorts posted 9/10/2019 10:47 AM

Has anyone else here had partners who had to face legal consequences for their behavior?

WH has been offered a plea deal for his solicitation charge. It's a good deal for him (6 months probation), except that they forgot to take into account that he lives in another state so that has to be worked out - and is taking forever.

I'm still having trouble believing my husband has been arrested for solicitation. It's horrifying and humiliating.

heartbroken3414 posted 9/11/2019 11:19 AM

outofsorts, my heart breaks for you. My WH never got caught and (I think) only myself and therapist is aware of what he did. I am so full of shame and disbelief. If it went public I am not sure I could handle it. You are a very strong person. There was a bust a few weeks ago of massage parlor close to where I live and some of the "clients" were arrested. I was so triggered and all I could think of was that I hope they do not have wives and children. It is rather small community where everyone knows pretty much everyone else. Not easy to hide.

outofsorts posted 9/11/2019 20:48 PM

Thank you so much heartbroken!

I confess that sometimes I feel bad for myself too (okay, often) . But I also know it could have been worse - in a sense I got lucky because even though WH's co-workers almost all know about it, only one of my friends / our mutual friends found out about this. It would have been much, much harder if more people I know had seen the news stories. I still worry that everyone will find out and I'm sure that worry will never go away - unless everyone does find out.

The public humiliation / threat of public humiliation is pretty horrible for all of the wives and children who did absolutely nothing. I think for at least a few weeks after my Dday that was harder to deal with than the cheating itself - or maybe just more overwhelming. I know there were 200 men charged in the same bust as my husband. Some of them must have had BWs. I think about them often and wonder how they are doing....

marji posted 9/12/2019 05:50 AM

outofsortsMine used the parlors for ten years twice weekly. No bust. No public humiliation. Im sure many if not most men who are busted have wives, gf, partners. I suspect most have children.

Ive been in an SANON group now for four years; several of the women had to deal with public humiliation--very public as in the story made the newspapers and tv--and local tv in NYC is very public news.

Some of the husbands are on probation--one for ten years for child porn-others for other stuff. Some are still waiting trial.

One woman wrote a play about her ordeal with her husband's very public arrest--it was a successful off-Broadway production.

The women I know dealing with this have very good ICs who they see at least weekly; they are in at least one support group.

The ones I know have children-newborns, elementary age, teenagers.

So yes, horrifying and humiliating. But you are definitely not alone. If you can find a good IC that can help enormously; if you can find a good IRL group that can also help. Great that you have found SI.

ElizabethC posted 9/14/2019 13:46 PM

Outofsorts, I'm sorry you're going through this. My WH also didn't get busted, but I have acquaintances locally whose husbands did, and it was all over the news. IC has helped me - I hope you'll look into it if you haven't already. This is a journey none of us wanted to be on.

outofsorts posted 9/15/2019 12:30 PM

Thank you so much Elizabeth and Marji! I am not in IC, but we have a very good MC. I would love to have a support group to talk to but haven't been able to find one locally and I think I would feel out of place at a SANON group since WH is not an addict - unless he is really lying to me which I don't believe he is but am aware that it is possible.

I am really happy to have found SI, although I am mainly a lurker I really appreciate hearing what everyone has to say. And it is so nice to find someone who understands.

heartbroken83 posted 9/15/2019 15:01 PM

I am not sure if this is the right spot to post this but I'm gonna see how it goes.

My husband has been having an ongoing affair with the same woman for our whole marriage (we just had our second wedding anniversary). He claims that he does not have any feeling for her and they never did anything together except have sex. She claims that she is in-love with him and has been for the last 3 years.

My question is, is it really possible to have sex with someone for that long and not care about them. This is the part I am struggling with. I think he is not willing to admit he did in fact have feelings for her. He may love me more (and I use love loosely because if he did he wouldn't have done this), and choose me over her but I highly doubt he has no feelings towards her.

[This message edited by heartbroken83 at 3:07 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]

marji posted 9/15/2019 15:38 PM

heartbroken. Yes, you are in the right place. There are who have sex with women they care nothing about. Not all men are capable or willing to be involved in such a relationship but many men are. So yes, it is possible that your husband is one of those men.

There is an SI member here whose H had relations with an employee for 15 years. He had no problem ending the relationship when his wife found out. He obviously enjoyed the sex but no, he had no feeling for the woman and no problem living without her. Another member's husband would just go regularly to visit a woman who was in their social circle; he had not emotional attachment-just an afternoon's recreation. Guess variety.

Your questions, is it possible to have sex with someone for two years and not care? Yes, it's possible. Does that make things any better? Does it make such a person more honest? more sensitive? does it make for a better marriage? My H had sex with prostititutes for ten years twice weekly. He had not feelings for them. Doesn't make me like or respect him; doesn't make me feel loved and respected-doesn't suggest Im living with a man who honors me and the relationship.

Yes, some men can have a sexual relationship with the same person and not care about them. I wonder if such men are the ones we women should care about.

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